They're Trying to Kill Me But They'll Never Succeed

I wrote a term paper until 3:30 this morning. A sociology term paper. On the extremely mundane topic of the effects of European colonization on the First Nations peoples of Canada. Because that isn't a topic that hasn't been overdone. But it was the assigned topic, so I wrote about it - ad infinitum it seems.

I have a cold in full glory at the moment. I'm hacking and coughing, blowing my nose every ten seconds, and my voice is still rather deep and gravelly - it cracks all the time, and sometimes all I can do is whisper. Let me just say how pleasant it was to wake up to all of that after only 4 and a half hours of sleep last night. I'm a little brain dead today to say the least.

But, as I sat at my computer, and 2 am had come and gone, I kept telling myself that I have only one more term paper to write this semester (and it will be a much better topic). Then five final exams over a week and a half or so. And after that, no one can make me write about anything I don't want to write about for at least a year. Because December 20th is freedom day baby! On December 20th I write my last final exam of my undergraduate degree, and I will be done!

And let me tell you - I have some good ideas of stuff to write about once I don't have people making me write about overdone topics like how negatively colonization affected the First Nations peoples. Good stuff to come people. Good stuff to come.

Something Changed... or I Just Showed Up For My Own Life

If any of you happen to be Sara Groves fans, you'll recognize where I got the title for this post. There have been two albums that have been particularly speaking to me in the month or so since I started having some crazy God experiences. One of those albums is a new one from Sara Groves titled "Add to the Beauty." The other is the newest album from the David Crowder Band titled "A Collision."

As promised yesterday, I want to share some of the lyrics from these albums here, and explain a little why they're catching parts of my heart at the moment. Starting with: "Something Changed" off the Sara Groves album.

Something changed inside me broke wide open all spilled out
Till I had no doubt that something changed
Never would have believed it till I felt it in my own heart
In the deepest part the healing came
And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine
Something so amazing in a heart so dark and dim
When the walls fall down and the light comes in
And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine.

The night I sat in a car with my friend several weeks back, talking and praying for hours, when stuff happened. This is kind of what it felt like - these words from Sara Groves. I have no doubt that something in my life changed that night. I couldn't tell you what it was for the life of me, but I have this weird confidence in my gut (despite circumstances which would seem to defy it) that God is good, and that He is present, and that He is working. And I can't fake it, but it's here, and it's mine and some healing began to happen that night.

The next song is from David Crowder Band and is titled "Come Awake".
Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say...
Come awake, from sleep arise.
You were dead, become alive.
Wake up, wake up, open your eyes.
Climb from your grave into the light

I love this section of this song. I feel like this is the refrain of God's voice in my life over the last weeks. Come awake, you were dead, come alive, come from death into light. Every time I hear the song, I feel God speaking so clearly these words over my life.

The David Crowder Band has another song entitled "Rescue is Coming" that has been speaking something very similar to me. I have been hearing the idea that God is actually coming, he is present, and he will rescue my life, and that blows my mind every time. I love to lay in the dark, put these two David Crowder songs on, and let them flow over me, refreshing my heart.
"Rescue is Coming"
There's darkness in my skin.
My cover's wearing thin, I believe.
I'd love to start again, go back to innocent, and never leave.
Don't give up now.
A break in the clouds.
We could be found.
There's nothing wrong with me.
It's just that I believe things could get better.
And there's nothing wrong with love.
I think it's just enough to believe.
Rescue is coming. Rescue is coming.
Rescue is coming. Rescue is coming.
And there's nothing wrong with you and nothing left to do,
but believe in something bigger.
And there's nothing wrong with love.
I know it's just enough to believe.
Don't give up now.
A break in the clouds.
We will be found.
Rescue is coming now.

The final song honors for the day belong once again to Sara Groves. This one I'm going to comment on after each stanza, for it has a great deal of resonance with my life.

"Just Showed Up For My Own Life"
Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the hole in the shiny veneer

I can tell you with a great deal of honesty how closely this describes my life of the last couple years or more. I did a lot of talking, and said very little. I mostly hoped that if I hung around the right people long enough, and adapted some of what they were saying, that I would suddenly change on more than a surface level. As a pastor's kid, one of my earliest learned survival techniques was to make sure my life appeared "right". I learned early that as long as I projected the right image, few people would see past that veneer to the turmoil and ugliness that truly existed inside of me.

There are so many ways to hide

There are so many ways not to feel

There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired

Look for the holy in the common place

Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed

I'm going to feel all my emotions

I'm going to look you in the eyes

I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide

There are so many ways not to feel

There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright.

Oh the Glory of God is man fully alive.

Oh the Glory of God is man fully alive...

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright.

I feel like I'm just starting to show up for my own life. Like God is calling me to come alive, and it's overwhelming the beauty that can be found - even in the midst of the craziness and darkness that has marked so much of my last week or so. I'm going to be grateful for the "real emotions" my friend prayed for - even when they overwhelm me, even when they're so strong I can't handle them, and wish that I had never let him pray for me. I'm looking for God more - and expecting to actually see and hear from him at least some of the time. I'm going to enjoy this sense of amazement that healing is finally happening in my life. I'm going to work on not hiding behind my spotless veneer. "I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes my life... And I just showed up for my own life, and I'm standing here taking it in, and it sure looks bright."

Quick Random Thoughts

• I can't quite seem to manage to spend concentrated time writing coherent blog posts. It may have something to do with how busy my life has been lately, or it may be that my computer is STILL not back in the privacy of my bedroom, or it may just be that my thoughts haven't been all that coherent lately, so how would I possibly write coherently?
• I'm writing this at school. I should be studying for my last midterm (for which I am completely unprepared) which begins in just over an hour. I'm not all that interested in devoting the next hour to studying developmental psychology.
• I've been blessed lately by posts on a variety of blogs that I read. (check out the links on the sidebar - those are the ones I read the most faithfully.) I've particularly enjoyed James', Renee's, Cathy's and a few others that I still need to link to.
• I still have no voice. In fact, it may even be worse than yesterday - I can barely even whisper today. It's a weird thing to not be able to communicate.
• When you sound as bad as I do, everyone feels sorry for you. This is fun - you get great sympathy offers. Especially since I only sound awful, I feel pretty normal. (Okay, it's a little hard to breathe, and my chest is a little tight, but as long as you don't ask me to run or something, I'm good.)
• I have a sense of growing hope right now. The last weeks (and months and years) of my life have been a little crazy, but I have such a sense of God's presence and hand. I feel a growing confidence that He is working and that I am emerging into a new place with Him.
• I'm feeling blessed by the friends in my life right now. I am learning so much from them. And they are keeping me sane which is always a bonus. It's nice to be in a place where you know that if you need something there is a friend you can call or email, and they'll try and come through. Especially in those moments when I need them to pray as I walk into various crises in friends lives.
• If I can find the time sometime today, I'm going to post a number of song lyrics that have been particularly meaningful lately - through the crazy journey of my last couple weeks, and I'm going to tell you why they've been important.
• Okay, I'm off to the bank machine. Then lunch. Then studying. Then the midterm, and 45 minutes on the bus to get home. When I get home, I may post again, or it may have to wait for tomorrow. House church is tonight. If you ride with me normally, and need a ride tonight just call and leave a message. You can't hear me on the phone - this no voice thing sucks that way. I'll pick you up at the usual time and place. But leave the message so I know who I'm waiting for!

If my head wasn't attached I'd lose it...

I've been a little scattered the past several days. The ongoing stress of life, combined with several major school deadlines, caring for friends, and combating the cold that has now silenced my voice has made my mind take leave. For example, I know for a fact that I purchased a drink with my dinner the other night at work, but the lady never gave it to me, and by the time I remembered, I no longer had a receipt or time to go back and get it. Then yesterday after work I purchased cough drops. I walked all the way to the other end of the mall before realizing that I'd forgotten to grab the bag on my way out of the store. Whoops... Like I said, if my head wasn't attached these days... I finished my term paper at 3:30 this afternoon and drove up to the university to drop it off. I unwittingly pulled into a "service vehicles only" parking spot, which a gentleman was nice enough to point out to me. Unfortunately, when I tried to start my vehicle so I could move, it wouldn't start. The same gentleman was nice enough to try boosting it, and a number of other things, and eventually got it to start. Now I'm in a quandry. I still need to hand my paper in. I'm still parked illegally, and I can't turn my vehicle off. Gross. So, I chose to trust a nice lady, who, when I asked if she would mind watching my vehicle, offered to take my paper in with her. I hope it made it. Picture the scene though, in your head for a minute... I have no voice, I'm tired from spending all day writing this paper, and I'm trying to communicate with the man fixing my car and the lady offering to turn in my paper for me... Gong show would be a good description. Then picture me trying to explain the situation to my parents when I got home..."my car broke down, somebody fixed it, someone else handed in my paper..." they were a little baffled, and my pragmatic mother simply commented, "I'm glad God was looking after you again." What is it about my life that magnetically attracts calamity? If anyone knows, I'd love to hear...

I'm sitting here printing pages and pages of powerpoint slides to review for a midterm tomorrow. Lets just say tomorrow may not be a very good day class attendance as I haven't prepared yet for this exam, and I've missed several of the lectures. Great. Just what I need - to miss more class! Oh well, maybe on Thursday I'll make it to all of them! I'm still trying to figure out how school is going to work with having no voice tomorrow anyway...let's just say that my participation grades won't be getting any help tomorrow!

And with that, my printing is done, and so is this latest installment in what has been a rather bizarre life of late! I'm off to do a bit of studying, a bit of reading, a bit of relaxing, and then some sleeping. An evening off - YES! A rare treat worth savouring - even at the expense of my midterm grade in developmental psychology tomorrow.

lost voice

I've lost my voice. In more ways than one it seems. It seemed to slowly be dieing on Saturday night - the results of the third cold I've had in five weeks. I figured it was just because I was talking a lot while I hung out with friends that night. But, I woke up yesterday morning, and all I could muster was a low rumble paired with the occasional whisper. I went to work anyway, came home, went to church, hung out some more. It got progressively worse through the day - only a sort of higher-pitched squeak by the end of the night.

I woke up this morning, and there is no pitch at all. I can whisper, and if I really muster all my strength, can make a slightly more audible cracking, squeaky sound.

The funny thing is, I usually don't really worry about not being able to be heard. A lot of the time I'm content to listen, to just hear what others have to say, and make the occasional comment. But, now that I can't be heard, I resent it. What if I suddenly had something to say? I had to have a friend order my drink and food last night - the waiter wouldn't have heard me over the crowd of 15 or so of us hanging out at the pub. My friend called this morning for our daily conversation, and she couldn't really hear or understand what I was saying.

And I've been trying to get this term paper done. I seem to have lost my mental voice as well. It's not going well. I'm at something like 700 words. It feels unfocused, and I need to hand it in sometime today. Nasty. So, I'm here, blogging instead. I've worked on the paper off and on for the the last three hours, and made little headway. I'm going back to this method where I set the timer on my watch for 20 minutes, and I have to work for those whole 20 minutes, and then I can take a break. Only something like 1200 words to go! Alright - back at it!