Present Even With This

The moments when the exhaustion and sadness hit seem odd sometimes.

This week they came at the end of two days that were truly good.  One day in which I embraced silence and created space for my soul to breathe, and one in which new things went well, and some old things were resolved.

And yet, at the end of each of those days, I found myself wondering as the feeling that sometimes precedes tears came upon me.  I found myself questioning the sudden appearance of sadness.

It was (and is) tempting in those moments to argue with myself, to shame and scold myself.  To tell myself that the days have been good, the weeks have been good, that all things considered, even life has been good.  To scold myself for feeling sad, and work to talk myself out of it.

Instead, this week I tried to be present, even with the sadness.

To acknowledge it.  To allow it to exist without shame.  To ask some questions of myself, of it.

I'm not so good at this being present with pain.  My preference is to avoid it - the partial topic of a long and lovely conversation I had this week, and most likely of a post in the future.  Mindful of that conversation I have tried to sit in the presence of the sadness and the exhaustion and allow it to be present.

And in sitting, this week, I noticed some things.  I noticed that last week was full of hard things, things where I can say with pride that I handled them well, that I was able to walk through them in a way I wouldn't have been able to a year ago.  I noticed that embracing the quiet space that my soul was craving gave time for my feelings to surface more truly.  I noticed that though some of the ongoing challenges of my living space have been tempered lately, the questions and the pain of the situation, the grief that goes with it, those remain, and when I am quiet they have space for expression.  I noticed that some of what I was feeling was exhausted relief, as bits and pieces of last weeks challenges came full circle to their resolution.

And in pausing to be present with those things, to notice them, I discovered that the urge to cry from sheer exhaustion was passing.  That instead of anger and frustration, I was feeling grace for myself, grace for the things I was experiencing.  The sort of grace I've always been able to offer freely and deeply to others, but have rarely managed to extend inward towards myself.

And so, I choose to be present even with this.  Even when being present doesn't look like joy.  Because I am learning to understand that I am loved, by Jesus, and by friends, and that I need to offer love to myself.  And I am learning that when I am able to be present with myself in the painful moments, I am more able to allow Jesus to be present in them as well.  And that being present with myself, and accepting Jesus' presence brings deep peace, even amidst the pain.  And since my heart cries out for that peace, I will choose to be present with myself, even when it hurts.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 179

Today's Daily 5:

1. a rather fascinating guest lecturer (he talked about the importance of empathy - particularly fascinating when you know his entire story, including the fact that he had a laryngectomy, and speaks using esophageal speech.)
2. getting some necessary on campus errands accomplished at lunch
3. half-way through the week now
4. the generosity of my parents in helping to temporarily cover off some financial issues that came up last week
5. curling up in bed early with plans for a really quiet, restful evening

Whimsical Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Today's Whimsical Wednesday is full of words that are speaking to my soul right now.  As always, I'd love to hear if one of these images or quotes jumps out at you or speaks to your heart.

Source: wildwendes.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: crittyjoy.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: lollipops-and-roses.blogspot.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: pearls-curlsandasoutherngirl.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: weheartit.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: flickr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: thingsweforget.blogspot.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 178

Today's Daily 5:

1. String cheese
2. a friend who made sure that a group meeting didn't wallow in unproductivity
3. still really loving turkey and cranberry sandwiches on Winnipeg Rye Bread
4. at least a partial solution to one of the big problems that popped up last week
5. the laughter that came with our first attempts to find heart rates and blood pressure readings.  We're pretty sure we were all "dead" at quite a number of points, thanks to our lack of skills in locating those important indicators of life.

Tuesday Anticipations, February 14, 2012

I stare at my calendar as I write these posts each week, and take a moment to reflect on the things that are coming.  Sometimes it is hard to find things to anticipate, and sometimes it's easier, but I've found taking a moment to pause and anticipate the coming joys and moments to be a discipline worth practicing, one that creates space in my heart.

And so, this week I am anticipating:

• Beginning to learn to take vital signs later today in class. There is something about finally donning my stethoscope that makes this nursing adventure all the more real, and worth celebrating and basking in.
• Hearing the stories of how my married and dating friends and family celebrate the feast of St. Valentine.  I love to hear the creative ways they find to let their partners know that they are deeply loved.  I may not be much for the "Hallmark" style holidays, but I think that anything that takes a moment or two to celebrate the deep love two people share, whether that celebration is simple or extravagant, is worth participating in.
• The Thursday night house church gathering that happens once a month or so where the only thing on our agenda is to eat together.  Sometimes we cook and have a potluck, but with two pregnant ladies in our midst, these days we show up and order pizza or chinese or something else entirely, and spend the evening laughing, talking, and sharing life together.  We have the gift of eating at our house church - it's one of the things we do best, and I love the chance to gather around a table with these friends.
• The fruit of a day spent quietly on Monday.  I embraced silence for much of the day - none of the usual background soundtrack - and the thoughts and prayers that surfaced were lovely.  They showed me places that Jesus is at work, and spilled over into writing ideas.  The fruit of that day will no doubt shape my week, and I look forward to it.
• A girls afternoon out  for tea, with my sister-in-law, mom and sister-in-law to be.  It was a Christmas present from my brother and his wife, this girl's afternoon together, and I am looking forward to spending the time with them.
• The arrival of reading break!  Next week is reading break!  No classes! Lots of time to move more slowly through my days, and catch up on some things that need doing.
• A zoo date with one of my best friends and her daughter.  Nothing like some of my favorite people, combined with one of my favorite places.

What are you anticipating this week?