What about rain?

This quiz made me chuckle.  Some of it is true of me, some of it isn't.  I don't handle grey rainy days really well, but I do enjoy the quiet of them.

Rain Makes You Happy

You tend to move slowly, but you still get a lot done. You are steady. You tend to have your head in the clouds. You are a bit absent minded, and you're often lost in your thoughts. You are naturally content and happy. You can adapt to your environment easily. You prefer to be around people who are familiar and trusted. Your best friends are your oldest friends. You find peace when you are able to slow down. When you can just be, your life clarifies itself.

The Rainy Day Test

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 47

Today's Daily 5:

1. Google Reader - it really has revolutionized my blog reading, and I'm still loving it
2. finding a Henri Nouwen devotional type book I'd never seen before on the clearance rack at the bookstore
3. hanging out with my friend J - one of my longest standing friends - we've known each other since tenth grade
4. watching the movie "The Social Network" - fascinating movie, and very well done
5. giggling over some really horrible dresses in a very high end designer store.  Nothing like a polyester dress in a fabric that resembles one of those wind-breaker jackets from the eighties that costs $1500.
6. great dinner and conversation

Not Mine to Own

"Not 'if' you get in, but when.  We're going to say when.  I have a good feeling about this."

Her words were well-meaning, and I was trying to smile graciously, and look like I was thankful for her attempt at encouragement, but inside I was cringing.

In my head, she wasn't encouraging, she was just adding another layer of pressure.  Another standard to meet.

She was referring to the question of whether or not I'll be admitted to the nursing program that I've applied for.  It's a question that remains very much up in the air, and one that rather haunts my days right now.  A lot rides on that question, and it's answer.  A lot of my life remains very much up in the air until an answer comes - likely towards the end of October, but maybe even longer.

I have this performance mentality that is deeply ingrained within me.  This need to meet expectations, and the well meaning words I quoted just didn't help things.

She was trying to offer hope, a positive outlook, encouragement.

What I heard was, "It'll be such a disappointment if you don't get accepted.  Acceptance is the standard by which your worth is measured."

I was thinking about those words last night as I sat on a bus on my way to house church.

About that mentality that wants to minimize expectations, and thus minimize the sense of failure, and of disappointing others.  The mentality that is almost afraid to hope, afraid of what happens if that hope is dashed.

And as I sat on the bus pondering this insane need to meet invisible standards, a whisper echoed through my thoughts.

"That isn't yours to own."

huh.

God is doing a lot of crazy things in my life right now.

Changing mindsets and thought patterns.

Showing me things that are unhealthy.

And showing me a perspective that's different.

It's not mine to own.  My well meaning relative didn't know she was adding a layer of pressure to my already smothered in performance expectations, needing to please self.  But even if she'd known, her perspective, her perceptions, her expectations are not mine to own.

I'm responsible for me, and for God.

I'm reminding myself that I put the best effort I had into the courses I took, and that right now I have a choice.

I can wait in fear, or I can wait in hope.

I can fear rejection, or I can hope for admittance.

And I can choose to acknowledge that if I am not accepted, I will be disappointed.  I will ache, and likely cry.  I will probably fight the long standing battle of feeling like a failure.  And then, then I will pick up the pieces and pray some more, and apply for the next session.  And I can remember that the only person whose expectations I'm responsible for are mine.  And that I'm ultimately accountable to Jesus.

And all that other stuff?

The thoughts and expectations of other people - real or perceived?

It's not mine to own.

I might have to be reminded of that over and over and over again.

But it's not mine to own.

Daily Affirmations

I know, I know.  Two youtube videos in one week.  And not even new videos.  This one has been floating around for a while too, but it still makes me laugh.  I came across it again as I was waiting for my flight home from California last week, and it made me smile.  I'm needing a whole lot of reminders to simply affirm myself these days, and this little girl made me laugh.  I watched it several times in a row and flagged it to find again later.  And to share here!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 46

Today's Daily 5:

1. a bright blue horseshoe shaped neck pillow that I picked up while engaging in retail therapy at the dollar store late last week.  seriously, this thing is really helpful when you spend as much time propped in bed working on the computer as I do - it's really helping, especially since I continue to have neck problems from the car accidents and stress.
2. starting my day by spending nearly 2 hours on the phone with my former roommate, L, currently located in the UK, working.
3. giggling for a good portion of those two hours as we talked about all sorts of things both important and truly ridiculous
4. being reintroduced to all the "kiwi" terms I lived with for years.  words like "jandals" which just totally made me smile
5. a perfect, sunny fall day
6. taking back some ground
7. wearing a special Tibetan top that I probably hadn't worn in two years
8. marking some necessary but long procrastinated chores off of my to do list
9. getting a package of free product samples (including some stuff I'll totally use and had wanted to try) in the mail
10. actually buckling down and applying for some jobs
11. making progress catching up on emails
12. pausing and hearing God speak in the oddest of moments