Thoughts on Consumption

I headed out to a huge new mega mall that was recently built just outside the city with two friends this morning.  I had Christmas money and a government tax cheque to burn, and it turns out that all of the city locations of my favorite store ship their clearance items to the new mega store in the new mega mall.  In the interests of getting the most for money, that was where I went.

I was glad, when I woke up, to have those plans for today.  I've been incredibly unsettled the last few days, and this morning I was tired of the constant wrestling.  I wanted to laugh and be with friends, and forget for a little while.  And that's what I did.

I shopped.  I tried buying happyness.  Not really I guess, but sometimes new things help to shift my mood - mostly I think it's probably that being out with friends helps with that.

I rarely buy in large quantities.  I rarely have large quantities of guilt-free, budget exempt money to do large quantity shopping.  Today I shopped in large quantities, thanks to the gifts from some family members at Christmas, and the convenient arrival of a GST refund cheque last night.

To be honest, while I'm pleased with my purchases (three tops, a bracelet, three pairs of jeans), their versatility (will work for work or play - well except the jeans, and even those will work on Fridays), and the fact that all of them suit me well and really did have that little bit of personal "wow" that is the only thing that will convince me to buy clothes these days, I felt a little sick spending all of that money at once.  I couldn't help thinking what I could have done with that money.  About starving children, and others in need.  It's an odd sort of wrestle - my work wardrobe did need a bit of help, and my jeans were old and ratty and no longer fit properly (thanks to the changes in weight due to health problems the last few years.)  I need to dress to a certain standard of professionalism for work, and the all of the clothes I bought were marked down, and are high quality items that should last quite some time.  I certainly won't be buying clothes again anytime soon, and I've purged and repurged my wardrobe over the last few weeks and months (including a few more items today.)  But despite the fact that I know that my purchases weren't irresponsible, and that I turned down several other deals that I would have found irresistible in the past, I still felt a little sick.

It was some combination of my own spending, and the simply massive size of consumption and selfishness that a mall of that scale represents that made me sick, I think.  It definitely won't be a place I visit regularly, if, for no other reason than it takes a good forty minutes to drive to from my home, and there is a mall that I can walk to within twenty minutes from where I live with most of the same stores, just not big and new and flashy.  (I'm trying not to even think of the environmental impact, and the huge fight over water rights that went on with the building of this mall.)  I rarely react to my own spending, partly because I know I now budget and spend carefully and wisely (and because I'm paying the debt accrued from times of not budgeting and spending carefully and wisely).  I'm as guilty as anyone of being a consumer, and over purchasing (the list of unread books I've purchased is now nearly 150 titles long - a list I hope to pare down this year), but more and more I find myself drawn to simplicity.  Thinking thoughts like "I like that, but I've been existing just fine without it.  I sure don't need it now."  Something about the immense size - a lingerie shop nearly as large as a department store in a regular mall - 6 different "zoned" decorating schemes, that sort of thing just made me cringe.  It made me cringe enough that rather than heading to pick up take out of some sort for my lunch and supper for today (a fairly regular occurrence for me on weekends, and one I look forward to - treating myself to some favorites after a week of cooking), I came home and pulled meat out of the freezer for my supper, and heated up a delicious frozen Italian wedding soup for my lunch.

There was actually one item at the mall that I nearly purchased but didn't.  A jewellry rack of sorts.  I've been hunting for a way to display my multiple dangly earrings so that I can easily find them and wear them more consistently.  I loved this item, but there were a few things I would change about it.  Instead of purchasing, consuming, and making do with something that wasn't quite righ, just for the sake of having it, I took a photo of it with my cell phone, and headed to my parent's house after completing another errand near their home.  Turns out that I rightly guessed that this was something my dad could help me make quite easily with his welding tools.  So, I'll get something more suited to my needs, get to spend time with my dad, and, who knows, maybe I'll even get him to teach me basic welding - that'd be a cool skill to add to my list!

And now, I'm home, I've put my purchases away in my closet (well, except for one pair of jeans, which I put on).  I know I spent wisely, and yet... 

I think this is going to be a year of simplifying even further.  Of paring down.  Of evaluating my own consumer habits.  Of a quest to be "greener", healthier, less selfish, and less of a consumer.  Less demanding of instant gratification, and more willing to wait and work for my satisfaction.  It's going to be a unique year.  I'll give it that!

Daily 5 - Day 149

Today's Daily 5:

1. GST refund cheque - love when money from the government arrives the night before a planned shopping trip to refurbish one's wardrobe
2. Got to have the house to myself tonight
3. Thankful for Friday, a smooth day at work, and wearing jeans
4. A treatment from mom to hopefully help the ongoing pain from my fall earlier this week
5. knowing I am loved
   

Mish Mash, Part 2 - From Henri Nouwen

Quite a number of great thoughts from Henri Nouwen have been collecting in my inbox, and I thought I'd share them all in one mega mish-mash post of Henri's writing goodness!

Being Safe Places for Others

When we are free from the need to judge or condemn, we can become safe places for people to meet in vulnerability and take down the walls that separate them. Being deeply rooted in the love of God, we cannot help but invite people to love one another. When people realise that we have no hidden agendas or unspoken intentions, that we are not trying to gain any profit for ourselves, and that our only desire is for peace and reconciliation, they may find the inner freedom and courage to leave their guns at the door and enter into conversation with their enemies.

Many times this happens even without our planning. Our ministry of reconciliation most often takes place when we ourselves are least aware of it. Our simple, nonjudgmental presence does it.

Letting Go of Old Hurts

One of the hardest things in life is to let go of old hurts. We often say, or at least think: "What you did to me and my family, my ancestors, or my friends I cannot forget or forgive. ... One day you will have to pay for it." Sometimes our memories are decades, even centuries, old and keep asking for revenge.

Holding people's faults against them often creates an impenetrable wall. But listen to Paul: "For anyone who is in Christ, there is a new creation: the old order is gone and a new being is there to see. It is all God's work" (2 Corinthians 5:17-18). Indeed, we cannot let go of old hurts, but God can. Paul says: "God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not holding anyone's fault against them" (2 Corinthians 5:19). It is God's work, but we are God's ministers, because the God who reconciled the world to God entrusted to us "the message of reconciliation" (2 Corinthians 5:19). This message calls us to let go of old hurts in the Name of God. It is the message our world most needs to hear.

Expecting a Surprise

Each day holds a surprise. But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel it when it comes to us. Let's not be afraid to receive each day's surprise, whether it comes to us as sorrow or as joy. It will open a new place in our hearts, a place where we can welcome new friends and celebrate more fully our shared humanity.

Our Spiritual Parents

Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth.

Fruits That Grow in Vulnerability

There is a great difference between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and respectability. A successful person has the energy to create something, to keep control over its development, and to make it available in large quantities. Success brings many rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. And fruits are unique. A child is the fruit conceived in vulnerability, community is the fruit born through shared brokenness, and intimacy is the fruit that grows through touching one another's wounds. Let's remind one another that what brings us true joy is not successfulness but fruitfulness.

Living the Moment to the Fullest

Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.

Spiritual Choices

Choices. Choices make the difference. Two people are in the same accident and severely wounded. They did not choose to be in the accident. It happened to them. But one of them chose to live the experience in bitterness, the other in gratitude. These choices radically influenced their lives and the lives of their families and friends. We have very little control over what happens in our lives, but we have a lot of control over how we integrate and remember what happens. It is precisely these spiritual choices that determine whether we live our lives with dignity.

The Gift of Friendship

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends.

Enough Light for the Next Step

Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away.

Mish Mash, Part 1

Various bits and pieces have been collecting in my email inboxes over the last while that I've been wanting to share.  In the interests of cleaning up my inbox a bit, and sharing these various things that are fascinating or challenging me or even just amusing me, you can expect a number of mish mash type posts over the next little while.

This article in the newspaper caught my attention this morning.  Turtle Mountain and the Frank Slide have been on my radar for a while, and I spent a memorable day walking and praying and taking photos in the slide field last summer.

I loved Dana's thoughts on healing from depression at Of Wool and Water today.  Reminds me to be grateful for my own healing.

A few different people have posted this "Fat Map" and accompanying text this morning, but I saw it first at Brian's "Curious in Ibiza".

Still in that space

I'm still in that space of discomfort, and discontent that I described late last night.

In the midst of that space, I'm making the choice to be thankful.

Thankful that in my workplace, jokingly nicknamed by my roommate "the soap opera", it's been an incredibly calm and boring week.  No explosions.  People in good moods despite being busy.  Tasks on my list that I've really enjoyed.  A full week like that is an incredibly rare occurrence, and I'm thankful for it.

Thankful for the colors of sunrise lighting the sky outside my office window.  Moments like that, the simple things, remind me in the midst of discontent that God is never changing.  The sun will rise, day after day, with new starts, and God's creative hand guiding the day.

Thankful that it's Friday, that the weekend is coming, and that I'm wearing jeans at the office.

Thankful for little things that signify healing.  The scarf I'm wearing today took a long time for me to be able to wear after it was gifted to me.  It was a symbol of shattered relationships.  I've worn it several times recently, and realized just last night that it is no longer so bittersweet a gift.  It, like so many of my scarves, is now simply a reminder to pray - for the friend who gifted it to me, and for the country and continent in which it originated.  (Many of my scarves come from different spots all over the world...)

Thankful for some fun plans for the weekend.

I'm still in that funny, odd, discontent space, but today I'm going to try to choose to be thankful.

Thankful that God is working in my heart and has me in this funny, odd, discontent space.