It hurts to grow...

I just watched the season 4 premiere of Grey's Anatomy on the internet. I get mocked, and even feel a little guilty sometimes for enjoying this show so much. It's basically a soap opera in prime-time.

But here's the thing - time and time again, the writers, in the midst of all the extraneous sex, the ridiculous, never happen in real life medical stuff, manage to communicate deep truths that grab at my heart in ways I just never expected.

And today, one of the lines is summing up some of the things I'm thinking about coming away from a fantastic and incredibly stretching weekend, and finding myself flat on my back all day with a stomach bug. The line?

It hurts to grow. Anyone who tells you it doesn't is lying.

A million miles an hour...

My brain and body are going a million miles an hour today. I've managed to secure the full day off on Friday, instead of the half day I'd planned, and that means that there is much to accomplish in the next two work days. Tomorrow could be worse. A major mailout needs to be on it's way to the post office before I leave tomorrow, and two of the documents that need to be included won't have final approval for me to print them until first thing tomorrow morning. It doesn't help that both of them are multi-page documents, and will require at least a couple hours to complete all the printing and photocopying. I may be working a bit late tomorrow...

I'm sort of amped up today - adrenaline maybe? It's really the only thing that makes sense given that I slept very poorly again last night...

And with that, I'm off... things to finish before my lunch break, and dozens of things to do before the end of the afternoon... church leadership meeting at mom and dad's tonight, over dinner, and then I'm going home to do laundry, and crash on my couch for an hour to watch the new Grey's Anatomy spin-off "Private Practice"

See you around!

Another great bit from Henri Nouwen

Meditation

When Jesus says: "Sky and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away" (Luke 21:33), he shows us a direct way to eternal life. The words of Jesus have the power to transform our hearts and minds and lead us into the Kingdom of God. "The words I have spoken to you," Jesus says, "are spirit and they are life" (John 6:63).

Through meditation we can let the words of Jesus descend from our minds into our hearts and create there a dwelling place for the Spirit. Whatever we do and wherever we go, let us stay close to the words of Jesus. They are words of eternal life.

Unsettling

I'm feeling edgy and unsettled today.

In the last week and a half I've had two dreams that seem related to an event happening very soon that I'm attending. A significant event that I and a number of other people have been anticipating. In both dreams, however, things were wrong. People were behaving in ways that I know they don't. There were themes of illness through both. This theme of breath (or lack thereof) keeps appearing. I woke up out of the second dream this morning, and it's left me a bit edgy.

I'm meeting someone tonight who has had some major changes that can either be positive or negative in her life (they seem undecided at this point) since the last time I saw her. The meeting is also weighing heavily on my mind.

I slept very poorly last night, despite a relaxed mind, body and spirit.

I wonder sometimes, if the way I experience spiritual opposition has to do with my emotional and physical energy simply becoming drained from my very being.

I am taking part in something that I believe will be significant this weekend, and knew, going into the week, that opposition could step up again. I think I'm feeling it, and today, it feels like I'm losing.

Praying for peace, for a quiet heart. Working to listen, and be willing to hear, act and speak if necessary.

Feeling unsettled, and seeing a toll in my physical body. Exhaustion, stomach issues, tight muscles that are causing pain.

Praying for peace. Listening to David Crowder Band's "A Collision". A good soundtrack for this sort of mood. Feeling like death and darkness will win, and fighting with everything I have to remember the victory is already won.

Washed out...

I feel kind of washed out and colorless tonight. It wasn't a terrible day, it was just one of those days where you come home kind of tired and drained.

It was a straight to sweat pants kind of evening. A grilled cheese and carrots and jello for dinner kind of evening.

Just at this moment I'm indulging a secret passion for cheesy television.

I was thinking as I walked home from the bus tonight about how often I can tend to want to play Savior. How there are people I want to step in and pluck right out of Jesus' hands. I want to fix, and I want to heal, and I sometimes forget that I can't actually do that. I'm recognizing that tendency in regards to someone I know who faces a number of very rough times ahead.

I'm tired. Later maybe a bath, and serious reading, but for now, Ellen Degeneres on tv, and stretching out on the couch.