Found this somewhere as I was surfing the web this morning. Really liked it and thought I'd pass it along.
Bless the darkness around you.
That’s why you’re a poet.
As the night presses inward
you radiate beams of light.
Voznesekií
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Unsatisfied
I went to a concert last night at a local café. A band I know a little was playing – Jacob and Lily out of Winnipeg. My baby brother came with me, and we left, just as they were beginning their second set, because Tim and I both had to leave for work early this morning. (Who starts a concert on a Wednesday night at 9pm anyway? Doesn’t anyone I know have jobs with normal hours?)
I enjoyed it. I really did. Listening to Karla and Caleb play was great. Visiting with friends I hadn’t seen in a while was great, too. I even got a couple of hugs. I place a high premium on hugs these days.
But I came home entirely unsatisfied with my life. It wasn’t really something new, just something that’s been growing for a long time, and was underscored by friends who are living their dreams.
I don’t want to be in Calgary any more. I don’t want to be so tied to the realities of full-time work. I want to be in ministry, but don’t know how to go about it. I want to be some sort of monastic (though I think I’d be bad at it), or some sort of gypsy. I want to see the world, and meet Jesus in crazy places. I want to collect stories that make me laugh and stories that make me cry.
I fell asleep wondering how to communicate to my parents that their most conventional, most set in her ways child wants to find adventure in life. How to make my parents who are big on responsibility, on setting and meeting goals, that I just want to wander. That I have things (you could even call them goals) that I want to do with my life, but at present I’m more interested in the journey to those things, than in the ultimate achievement of them.
The thing is, I’m no musician, so I can’t make a living as a bohemian that way. I have absolutely no idea how to support this kind of lifestyle. And, here’s a confession. I’m awfully attached to the comforts of life. I could live simply, but I really like having things, having disposable income, having lots of clothes, lots of books, the ability to eat out regularly, hi-speed internet, and so on. I am increasingly convicted of a sort of selfishness, a me first mentality within myself that I am not happy with.
And the dreams?
Well, I fell asleep on the thought that I want to change the world. I want to hang out with broken women, and see healing and wholeness. I want to write. I want to be happy. I want to live somewhere with sunshine, where I can wear skirts the whole year round, without worrying that my legs will get frostbitten. Skirts are who I am. I’ve spent years denying the girlyness within me. I want to wear skirts. They suit my figure, they make me happy.
I enjoyed it. I really did. Listening to Karla and Caleb play was great. Visiting with friends I hadn’t seen in a while was great, too. I even got a couple of hugs. I place a high premium on hugs these days.
But I came home entirely unsatisfied with my life. It wasn’t really something new, just something that’s been growing for a long time, and was underscored by friends who are living their dreams.
I don’t want to be in Calgary any more. I don’t want to be so tied to the realities of full-time work. I want to be in ministry, but don’t know how to go about it. I want to be some sort of monastic (though I think I’d be bad at it), or some sort of gypsy. I want to see the world, and meet Jesus in crazy places. I want to collect stories that make me laugh and stories that make me cry.
I fell asleep wondering how to communicate to my parents that their most conventional, most set in her ways child wants to find adventure in life. How to make my parents who are big on responsibility, on setting and meeting goals, that I just want to wander. That I have things (you could even call them goals) that I want to do with my life, but at present I’m more interested in the journey to those things, than in the ultimate achievement of them.
The thing is, I’m no musician, so I can’t make a living as a bohemian that way. I have absolutely no idea how to support this kind of lifestyle. And, here’s a confession. I’m awfully attached to the comforts of life. I could live simply, but I really like having things, having disposable income, having lots of clothes, lots of books, the ability to eat out regularly, hi-speed internet, and so on. I am increasingly convicted of a sort of selfishness, a me first mentality within myself that I am not happy with.
And the dreams?
Well, I fell asleep on the thought that I want to change the world. I want to hang out with broken women, and see healing and wholeness. I want to write. I want to be happy. I want to live somewhere with sunshine, where I can wear skirts the whole year round, without worrying that my legs will get frostbitten. Skirts are who I am. I’ve spent years denying the girlyness within me. I want to wear skirts. They suit my figure, they make me happy.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
A Melancholy Happiness
I finished writing a long journal entry a few minutes ago, ranting and musing. Not one for public consumption, but just for me, working through all the questions and issues floating through my brain tonight. Basically, if I don’t take the time to do that every once in a while, I don’t sleep! I’ve found these last few months that it helps a great deal to take the time to write down the things that are weighing heavy on my mind, that it brings perspective, and sometimes even peace.
The days feel long lately. I haven’t been feeling that well physically, and I find myself dreaming constantly of being elsewhere. There continues to be something deeply unsatisfied within myself, a desire to see and experience the world, to meet God in crazy new places and ways, to have less sameness and more adventure.
I am feeling tentative as I plan and begin to really immerse myself into working with youth this month and next. This has been an area where I have felt such a strong sense of spiritual opposition, and so very little covering and support. I wonder if I am up for the challenge of working with teenagers again. I was immensely bad at even being a teenager, how the heck am I supposed to connect with them? And it is something that I sensed a rightness about when I agreed to become involved all those months ago.
I am wondering what comes next with my grandma. She is doing well, but remains in hospital. Her heartbeat continues to be irregular, despite attempts to medicate it into regularity. They have, as yet, failed to find the cause. She is waiting for an MRI, hopefully sometime this week, to provide the doctors with further information. Is it selfish to hope that this resolves, and she remains on this for a very long time to come? Is it selfish to not want to go through the process of grief right now, the long drawn out illness that my grandpa had with congestive heart failure, the watching him slowly weaken, the eventual death and all that that then entails?
I have been deeply lonely at intervals over the last while – not the sort of lonely where I never see people, because I do, but the lonely that comes from the lack of deep heart connect – the friends with whom you can be silent, or speak a thousand words. The ones who can look at your face and read your heart. Mine are all quite distant – my best friend in Pakistan, and others scattered around, and I find myself generally unwilling to begin yet again to develop those deeper sorts of relationships.
So, that’s the update. Sigur Ros is playing on my laptop, and I am well, though it may not sound it. There are deep things going on in my heart, and that always excites me, though it hurts like the dickens just presently.
The days feel long lately. I haven’t been feeling that well physically, and I find myself dreaming constantly of being elsewhere. There continues to be something deeply unsatisfied within myself, a desire to see and experience the world, to meet God in crazy new places and ways, to have less sameness and more adventure.
I am feeling tentative as I plan and begin to really immerse myself into working with youth this month and next. This has been an area where I have felt such a strong sense of spiritual opposition, and so very little covering and support. I wonder if I am up for the challenge of working with teenagers again. I was immensely bad at even being a teenager, how the heck am I supposed to connect with them? And it is something that I sensed a rightness about when I agreed to become involved all those months ago.
I am wondering what comes next with my grandma. She is doing well, but remains in hospital. Her heartbeat continues to be irregular, despite attempts to medicate it into regularity. They have, as yet, failed to find the cause. She is waiting for an MRI, hopefully sometime this week, to provide the doctors with further information. Is it selfish to hope that this resolves, and she remains on this for a very long time to come? Is it selfish to not want to go through the process of grief right now, the long drawn out illness that my grandpa had with congestive heart failure, the watching him slowly weaken, the eventual death and all that that then entails?
I have been deeply lonely at intervals over the last while – not the sort of lonely where I never see people, because I do, but the lonely that comes from the lack of deep heart connect – the friends with whom you can be silent, or speak a thousand words. The ones who can look at your face and read your heart. Mine are all quite distant – my best friend in Pakistan, and others scattered around, and I find myself generally unwilling to begin yet again to develop those deeper sorts of relationships.
So, that’s the update. Sigur Ros is playing on my laptop, and I am well, though it may not sound it. There are deep things going on in my heart, and that always excites me, though it hurts like the dickens just presently.
Monday, January 08, 2007
One of those days
I think it's going to be one of those days.
You know, the kind where you wake up and can't get warm, despite several layers of clothing. Where you open a carton of juice and it squirts everywhere on your desk. Where being a female is just right on up there with death. Where your body aches, and your brain feels fuzzy, and you just generally wish for the day to end.
Yep. It's gonna be one of those days. And a Monday to boot!
You know, the kind where you wake up and can't get warm, despite several layers of clothing. Where you open a carton of juice and it squirts everywhere on your desk. Where being a female is just right on up there with death. Where your body aches, and your brain feels fuzzy, and you just generally wish for the day to end.
Yep. It's gonna be one of those days. And a Monday to boot!
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Am I Depressed?
There have been lots of moments lately where I’ve had to pause and evaluate the state of my emotions. I’ve stopped a lot to ask myself the question, “Am I depressed?” If you’ve known me long, you know that this is a loaded question. You see, for nearly five years of my life I suffered from severe depression, though I worked to conceal it from most people. Then, just over a year ago, I had an intense encounter with the healing love of Jesus. I haven’t been depressed since.
But, it has been a year of loaded emotions, with some very high highs, and some very low lows. These last few months have been quite low. The last month in particular.
So, I’ve found myself stopping to ask, “Am I depressed?”
The answer, right now, is no.
The thing is, there’s been lots of hard things in my life the last while, lots of changes, lots of new things, lots of stressors. And it is very easy for me to see only the negative things. I quite literally have to stop and remind myself to look for the beautiful things.
So, here’s a list of some of the things that have made me smile lately:
• Neon pink crocs – maybe the most comfy (if incredibly ugly!) footwear I’ve ever had. A Christmas gift from my brothers.
• Two completed scrapbook pages in the last week. One titled “Me” and one titled “Twins?”
• Compliments on the Christmas cards I made this year.
• A laptop computer that lets me watch movies in bed, and write while curled up on the couch.
• Being in the midst of one favorite series of novels, while knowing that a second favorite series is sitting on my bedroom floor, just waiting for the first series to be finished.
• Passion tea every morning.
• A baby shower this afternoon.
• Hugs from lots of friends today.
• The chance to simply sit and chat with friends I haven’t seen in a while.
• An email from Megs telling me about Christmas in Pakistan, and all the babies they delivered on Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
• A candle lit on my dresser, flickering and adding atmosphere.
• Rewatching “Elizabethtown” while curled up in a favorite chair.
I think there are probably other things, but these are the ones that come to mind at the moment. I’m thankful for the things that are beautiful in life, amidst the things that are painful.
But, it has been a year of loaded emotions, with some very high highs, and some very low lows. These last few months have been quite low. The last month in particular.
So, I’ve found myself stopping to ask, “Am I depressed?”
The answer, right now, is no.
The thing is, there’s been lots of hard things in my life the last while, lots of changes, lots of new things, lots of stressors. And it is very easy for me to see only the negative things. I quite literally have to stop and remind myself to look for the beautiful things.
So, here’s a list of some of the things that have made me smile lately:
• Neon pink crocs – maybe the most comfy (if incredibly ugly!) footwear I’ve ever had. A Christmas gift from my brothers.
• Two completed scrapbook pages in the last week. One titled “Me” and one titled “Twins?”
• Compliments on the Christmas cards I made this year.
• A laptop computer that lets me watch movies in bed, and write while curled up on the couch.
• Being in the midst of one favorite series of novels, while knowing that a second favorite series is sitting on my bedroom floor, just waiting for the first series to be finished.
• Passion tea every morning.
• A baby shower this afternoon.
• Hugs from lots of friends today.
• The chance to simply sit and chat with friends I haven’t seen in a while.
• An email from Megs telling me about Christmas in Pakistan, and all the babies they delivered on Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
• A candle lit on my dresser, flickering and adding atmosphere.
• Rewatching “Elizabethtown” while curled up in a favorite chair.
I think there are probably other things, but these are the ones that come to mind at the moment. I’m thankful for the things that are beautiful in life, amidst the things that are painful.
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