Things to say

I had so much to tell all of you. I was collecting the thoughts that were overflowing all day, and I was going to write a nice long post about a whole selection of things I've been thinking about lately.

But they all seem paled at the moment.

My heart aches a bit, and I am concerned.

My grandma was admitted to hospital tonight. She is suffering from an irregular heartbeat and fluid on the lungs, and they want to do tests to find out why. They're using the phrase "congestive heart failure." This is a scary phrase to me. It's what killed my grandpa when I was in the eleventh grade. We're waiting to see what comes next.

If you pray, please lift my grandma, and our family before Jesus these next days.

Maybe I'll be able to write all the other things tomorrow.

Quiet Day...

Today was the kind of quiet day I dearly love.

Slept in a bit. Did some baking. Did a lot of reading, relaxing. Did some cleaning and organizing. Exercised some creativity - made a really fun scrapbook page. Got an email from my best friend, and read another inspiring post on her blog about her Christmas in Pakistan (babies... lots of babies!).

Hung out with the extended family for a while tonight over a chili dinner at my grandma's.

And tomorrow I go back to work. Which is kind of an icky thought, really. It's been a bit tense there lately, and there's likely quite a pile of stuff on my desk waiting for me to return, which could make for a bit of an interesting day...

Things to "look forward" to this month...

• paying my first ever traffic ticket (a remnant from the accident)
• A visit to Marty and Kari for a weekend.
  
• scrapbooking - feeling inspired again lately. I may even go out and shoot some photos that aren't of people.
• Reconnecting with an MK that I've known for years who is moving to Calgary to work for six months or so.
• Sorting out finances for the future.
• Continuing the attempt at learning to drive standard.
• using my new laptop bag to pack up my computer and find cozy coffee shops to curl up in and hopefully get some writing done.
• Starting a bible study for the high school girls.
• Dreaming and planning the future (and more particularly the next year or so of my life!)

meh

So, the trip's off. Sketchy roads, only one driver. Neither one of us was completely comfortable with it, so we called it off. Gross. She's going to fly there and back a couple of times. These are the things you can do when you work for an airline - it's actually affordable!

And work is kind of sucking right now. We've got some people problems because of a messy situation in which a girl quit last week. A girl who was a friend, and widely liked and good at her job. So people are overworked, some problems we had before she left are magnified because she was filling a gap, and the job is generally frustration inducing.

Finances are tight, and I'm trying to figure out how to put money away for the future (car purchase, travel, internship) while still paying a student loan, rent, computer payment, etc.

And I'm lonely again. That's what really bites about calling off the trip. I was going to get to spend five days with a close friend. Now I'm going to spend possibly a couple hours with her. Gross.

I miss the soul connections with the people who are far away. I miss my best friend, and I'm even a little jealous of her - off having adventures in Pakistan while I'm here with work problems, and car problems and money problems and no friends in town.

I have to say, too, that I really hate New Year's. It is officially my least favorite holiday. I think I've spent it alone or with my parents every year for the last five. Usually while a wide variety of people I know and love are off having adventures and truly awesome good times.

Okay, with all that out of my system, I'm off to sit in a bathtub I think. See you tomorrow!

(p.s. at least I have a day off tomorrow - since I took it off for the trip I'm going to hang on to it.)

Last Minute

Anyone want to make a superfast road trip to Vancouver this weekend. Leaving Friday, probably back Tuesday, maybe Monday?

I'm helping Rae move out there, and we never found another driver, so I'm doing all the driving. But if any of you are up for a quick trip, give me a call or pop me an email. I'd love you forever!

In anticipation of a new year...

I feel things shifting in me again. In a way I really can’t even begin to describe or understand. What are you trying to say to me, Lord?

Is this is? Is this coming year the one for adventure, for transition, for new things? Is it the one we’ve been talking about for the last six months?

You keep drawing me lower, drawing my heart to places I never expected. You are breeding things in me that I don’t understand.

Last year at this time I was waiting with a friend for her mom to die. I asked you what to pray, and you said, pray “Hallelujah.” I was a month out of a five year span of depression, a month separated from wanting my life to end. I was waiting for a death, and watching a friend engage in self-destruction. And you said, “pray hallelujah.”

I didn’t even know what the word meant. I had to look it up. “Hallelujah – glory to God.” So many times over the course of this wild and crazy year I asked you again what to pray, and you just kept speaking that word – hallelujah.

You taught me to search for the hallelujah in the midst of darkness. You walked with me through my own trials, and the trials of those you called me to. And you kept speaking hallelujah.

Sometimes you added the word “Immanuel.” You said pray, “hallelujah, Immanuel.” Glory to God. God with us.

And now, we’re seven days from a new year. And things are shifting again. I’m being pulled lower, pulled deeper, pulled further in. And I don’t understand, and I can’t quite explain. You’re still whispering “hallelujah” in my ears, but it’s different. Something is changing. Something I can’t quite put my finger on.

I’m here, Lord. I’m waiting for Your voice, your direction. What will you speak this year? What will you lead me into?

A year ago my plan was to become settled. Today, there are things within me that rebel at the very idea of being settled. There is this awakening desire to see your kingdom in forms spread across the globe. To love on the broken – the desire grows ever deeper. To meet you during pilgrimages. To spend months dedicated to you – internships, or traveling. I want to meet you. To meet you in the homeless man in the parking lot like a couple weeks ago, to meet you in the eyes of a baby, to meet you in broken women, to meet you in youth kids at church, to meet you in dreams and visions, to meet you in places I’d never dreamed of finding myself.

My heart is set on the journey. You are drawing me deeper, but outward. You are broadening the spaces in my heart and soul.
And I’m waiting here for your voice, for your words, for your hands.

Next steps aren’t clear, but I know they’re coming.

And in the meantime, I’m going to keep searching for, to keep speaking, to keep attempting to live a hallelujah.