a restless soul

"Be still my soul and know that He is Lord."

I'm working on it. I am very unsettled this morning. Several days of waking from odd dreams... a lost wallet, a childlike woman fighting for her freedom, the appearance of several people I know and know of in my dreams.

Does anyone know someone gifted in interpreting dreams?

I couldn't stomach modern worship songs on my commute this morning. I couldn't handle the songs that talk and talk and talk about what I'm going to do for God. I'm too tired to "do" this morning. I needed to just sit and soak in age old truths about his unfailing grace and mercy, his redemption, his promises of strength for the weary. So I listened to an album of hymns. And then I listened to Michael Card's recordings of some ancient Celtic hymns, and my soul was slightly soothed.

I am restless. Wondering what some things mean, and wondering over steps for the future. Life is beautiful, I am depression free, but I am not "a soul at rest from itself."

Praying, and continuing to try and soak in the midst of my workday, which is somewhat tense and stressful today as well.

And while it sounds flip, glib, and perhaps even slightly blasphemous, I am praying that age old prayer this morning. "Thank God it's Friday."

Pascal

Came across a quote from Blaise Pascal this morning, and thought I'd pass it on...

“There is nothing that we can see on earth which does not either show the wretchedness of man or the mercy of God. One either sees the powerlessness of man without God, or the strength of man with God.”
— Blaise Pascal

kingdom musings?

So I’m sitting here at my desk, and I’ve just read Kirk’s latest blog post, about his recent kingdom connections, and the things God is putting before him, and thoughts are beginning rather suddenly to churn in my head. Around and around, swirling through things that have been inescapable this week, and that are continually developing.

I’m sitting at my desk, nibbling on dried mango, on the third floor of a small building in one of Calgary’s most racially diverse neighborhoods. On the lower floors are Mennonite Central Committee, and a large thrift shop. On one side of our building is a strip club, always occupied with clientele, judging from the parking lot that our staff room window overlooks. On the other a small furniture store.

I’m working for a small insurance company run by Mennonites. Kingdom work in a field that isn’t typically known for such a cause. Our company donates about $100,000 a year to kingdom causes – mostly through organizations like Mennonite Central Committee, focusing on issues of justice, but also on a lower level through needs identified by the churches and policy holders we work with.

I filled out an alumni survey for U of C the other day. I’ve only officially been alumni for six months, and they’re already surveying me! It asked if I’m working in the field I graduated from. I’m not.

I’m working with the results of the field I graduated from. I spent four years studying post-reformation era Europe, focusing primarily on groups like the Anabaptists and Moravians. Groups with a tradition of moving continents to escape persecution, and taking with them Biblical values of justice, peace, and love.

Spreading the kingdom of God in salt and light tiny ways.

As far as I know, my ancestors didn’t come from Europe fleeing religious persecution. They came from Europe like so many others, hoping to create a better life in Canada or in the United States. They came from similar parts of Europe to the Mennonites – Russia, Germany, Ukraine.

But now, I work for this group of people. And they fascinate me. Worrying about prisoners that society has forgotten, and immigrants that Canada, despite her professed “mosaic multi-culturalism” would prefer not to deal with.

They sell fair trade handicrafts from the developing world, supporting children and families, and women and schools. You can buy your family members a goat for Christmas from these people.

They are farmers, and lawyers, and financial planners, and together they are working to bring the kingdom. Some dress very traditionally, with the women in skirts and headcoverings, and some are more modern than I.

I would imagine that it’s somewhat idealistic, but I am caught by the fact that answering phones, sorting mail, emptying a dishwasher, calling office equipment repair people, and making labels are somehow part of kingdom work. That I sit here and pick up phone calls, and because I answer phones, our company, somewhere down the line makes a profit, and the profit is directed towards kingdom causes.

And I wonder at the encounters I have here… the conversations, the friends I’m making, and I’m grateful for the chance to watch the kingdom unfold in this tiny little corner of Calgary.

I am captivated by the idea of justice… and yet, I don’t quite understand…

Quote from Nouwen

Found this quote from Henri Nouwen on the web this morning, and thought I'd pass it on:

“Our life is full of brokenness - broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God's faithful presence in our lives.”
— Henri Nouwen

Bubbling over...and celebrating!

Psalm 9:1-2 (The Message)

I'm thanking you, God, from a full heart,

I'm writing the book on your wonders.

I'm whistling, laughing, and jumping for joy;

I'm singing your song, High God.

Today is a special day. It marks one year, depression free. At this time last year, I was getting out of bed, heading to school, and about to have my day hijacked by God. You can't probably imagine how amazing it is to me that it's been a year. The year has been tumultous, filled with crazy happenings, highs, some lows, but nothing could possibly explain the joy that tumbles inside of me as I sit here and think that I have been depression free for an entire year.

I'm going out for dinner tonight with a bunch of friends to celebrate. To celebrate the fact that a year ago today, God stepped into my life in this crazy, overwhelming, completely unexplainable way, and drew me from death into life.

It's been a year since I was begging God to simply let me die, because there was no reason to continue living, no reason to get out of bed in the mornings. A year marked by grace. And I'm so incredibly grateful.

I'm thinking, this morning, and praying for some people I know who are still living in the midst of pain. I'm praying God's freedom, His healing over their lives as well. I hope that everyone I know, experiences at least once, the kind of joy I feel day, and the sensation I felt a year ago of God taking over in completely unexplainable ways.

The passage at the top, and one last one also from Peterson's translation of the Psalms came to mind as I woke this morning.

Psalm 13:5-6 (The Message)

I've thrown myself headlong into your arms -

I'm celebrating your rescue.

I'm singing at the top of my lungs,

I'm so full of answered prayers.