The Questions I Would Ask...

I don’t have a “mentor” figure in my life right now. At least not one in the same city as me – not one I can call up and ask if they’d like to have coffee. Not one where I can easily pick their brains. I’m blessed with fantastic friends, who are teaching me about the new things I have begun to walk into, but I find myself longing for someone a little further along the journey, someone who can answer questions, and give wisdom, and assure me that I haven’t gone insane!

If I had that mentor figure, these are the things I would ask right now (in no apparent order):

• Does this ever get easier? I mean, I’ve been consciously trying to pursue God’s calling on my life since November 1st. That’s just about 3 months now. Yes, I did it in fits and starts at various times over the years, but there’s something different this time, something I can’t quite put my finger on. And it’s difficult – I’ve lost sleep, I’ve changed plans dozens of times to respond to crises, I’ve been stretched beyond my limits and my wisdom more times than anyone could count, and I’m wondering if it get easier to hear God and follow that calling?
• How do I create boundaries in my relationship with the friend that God has called me to care for? How do you create boundaries in a relationship where it has taken months of around the clock availability for her to begin to believe that I care and won’t abandon her like so many others have? When the trust is that tenuous, how do I create space to protect my own heart and mind?
• How do I reconcile my very conservative church girl past with the charismatic experiences I’ve had over the past months – with the dreams, with seeing things, and hearing things? I didn’t even really believe these things existed a few months ago, and now they’re part of the reality of my life and story, and I just don’t quite know what to do with them. I don’t know how to take the person I always thought I was, and integrate her with the person I seem to be becoming.
• How do I know what is God, and what is me? How do I know when the words coming from my lips are his, or when it’s me? How do I know if that sense that I have something to speak – to add to a conversation is just my need to be noticed, or if it’s God prompting my heart.
• How do I handle the woundedness in my own life, while caring for others with far greater wounds? Because I’m hurting – and those wounds were a large part of what left me struggling with depression for the last several years. Where do I look for healing?
  How do I overcome the fear that has dogged my steps for so many years?
• Does it get easier to hear the voice of God?
• Can God use an introvert? Because the only charismatic people I seem to know are not introverts – they’re all outgoing, comfortable speaking and sharing what God has laid on their hearts.
• How do I know the specifics of what God is calling me to? Should I become a pastor, or a counsellor? How do I make that decision as I begin to check into options for further schooling?
• And last but not least… should I even bother looking for answers to some of these questions? Is my need to answer these things normal? Or should I just live with the mystery or some such “spiritual” description?

Integrating

I wrote a really great post this morning, about this topic, and then my computer betrayed me, and internet explorer had an error, and I lost it all. Nasty.

I woke up this morning with the realization that this has not been a good week for the integration of my spiritual life with the realities of day to day living. Some weeks that process seems to go quite smoothly - to flow naturally. This has not been one of those weeks. I've felt like I'm living in a million tiny spheres of life, and trying to protect each sphere from infringing on the others.

Lack of integration for me means avoidance. This week has been about avoidance. I wanted to avoid the anger at my friend's decision to endanger her life by getting in a car driven by a drunk driver. I wanted to avoid the grief of knowing a beautiful three year old named Rachel died of malaria unexpectedly. I wanted to avoid the fear of cutbacks surrounding my work situation. I wanted to avoid my own exhaustion and frustration with a number of situations in my personal life.

Because if I avoided the anger, then I didn't have to make a decision on the next step to take in caring for my friend. I didn't have to face the fact that I am living out the calling of God on my life, and it seems to make very little difference in the life of the person He has called me to care for. If I avoided the grief, then I didn't have to think about the thousands of children who die every day from starvation, lack of clean water and so on. I didn't have to think about how huge an issue it is, and how futile the tiny little steps I have taken seemed to be. If I avoided the fear, I didn't have to make decisions about my job. If I avoided the exhaustion and frustration I didn't have to admit how messy my life has become again.

And so, I have purposely avoided integrating the various aspects of life. And it has left me more tired and frustrated, not less. And I woke with the realization this morning that this strategy was not only not working, it was not true to the commitments I've made to set my life before God with open hands, to serve with open hands, to allow Him to work in whatever way He chooses.

I woke with the following lyric by Heather Clark running through my head, softly, like a breathy reminder of the presence of the God I have tried to avoid this week, and particularly the lines that I have made bold played over - an invitation to God, asking Him to bring restoration.

I have come to greet the King
I’ve come to give myself in total abandonment
I’ve come to lay down all that holds me back from You
I’ve come to lay down all that holds You back from me
So come in come in
King of Glory
Come in come in
We welcome You this day
Come in come in
King of Glory
Come in come in
We welcome You this day

Quick Thoughts

• I love the movie "School of Rock." It was exactly the kind of thing I needed to watch today.
• My hours are cut at work this week, so I'm hanging out with friends, and doing stuff that needs to be done around my house.
• Fruitopia's Raspberry Kiwi Karma is a fantastic beverage.
• I had fun walking all over downtown while shopping with a friend this afternoon.
• I'm going to do some errands (likely with the same friend) again tomorrow. (Library, bookstore, drugstore...)
• I'm out of comfy clean socks - which I guess means that laundry is on my list for tomorrow too!

The things I need to say...

It's been an interesting day. And I think my heart is being shattered by the infinite reality of what it means to love some of the people that God has called me to love. By the reality that a life can become so devalued that a decision like getting in a car with a drunk driver seems logical. By the reality that I have no control over her decisions. That all I can offer is a listening ear and a promise that my love for her will not change.

There was the phone call this morning that I wrote about in my last post. Then I was listening to the incredible story of the way God orchestrated circumstances and miracles in the ministry of a friend of our family who was a missionary to a tribe in Malawi. (I have this on CD - and you should all email me and ask me to mail you a copy - because it is truly incredible!) Then my dad informed me that a Ghanaian pastor friend of his lost his beautiful little three year old daughter to malaria last night. I am caught by the fragility of life, and the seemingly random circumstances of God's interventions. After the phone conversation, I got an email from that same friend, and it scared me all over again - the level of oppression and of fear of healing in her life astounds me. And I can't help but wonder why God did such incredible things for this man's ministry in Malawi, but this tiny little girl in Ghana was allowed to die. Why God so carefully orchestrated things for this man's ministry twenty years before he ever ended up in Malawi, before he was even a believer, but the orchestration of my friend's life allowed for the abuse, neglect, and evil, that are such challenges to overcome all these years later.

I wrote an email to my friend - one that I'm not sure yet that I'll send, but it has a lot of things in it that I need to say, somewhere, even if it's only here. It's one of those things that refused to not be written, and to not be shared, but that I am not sure should be shared with her yet. Maybe it's just for me and God, and for those of you who have been listening in on my conversations with God lately via this blog. I'm going to put it here, with a few changes to identifying details, in order to protect her privacy. The email she sent to me, that I was replying to, had a number of comments that disturbed me, including an intention to cut herself off from the world for a time - to avoid me in order to avoid having to pray through some issues (something I would and could never make her do.) It also included some discussion of her weekend plans - which may or may not be somewhat foolhardy.

Friend,
Getting an email like this from you scares me. Because it makes me wonder how honest you really were when you told me on the phone as we finished our conversation that you were fine. Because if you're not going to talk to me until next month sometime, you weren't fine.

You already know what I'm going to say about going out this weekend. Be smart about it please. For my sake, okay? You don't have to avoid (another friend) and I - neither one of us is going to force prayer or anything else on you. If you don't know that by now, I'm really sorry. Maybe we've been pushy in the past, who knows...

Here's the deal. I love you. I care about you as much as I care for myself. And I'd love to see you make some really wise and healthy choices. Call the counselor. Pray - by yourself or with us - I don't care. Don't endanger your life by getting into a vehicle with that man when he's had too much to drink. Don't party too hard in an effort to escape the reality of your life right now.

I want you to know how often you're on my mind and heart. I want you to know how many whispered prayers I've prayed on your behalf. I want you to know that I'm still going to be there, even if you make a really bad decision. I'll be there if you get hurt because he was drunk and you got in a car with him. Yes, I'll be angry that you were in that position. I'm angry now that he puts you in the position of making that choice. And I'm angry that you continue to choose to get in that vehicle. I'm angry that you've grown up in such a way that there is so little for you to value in your own life. I'm hurting because a beautiful little three-year-old African girl named Rachel that my family knows died of malaria last night, and it wasn't preventable. But your choice to take your life into your hands by getting in his car is preventable. And it makes me angry that there is so little that says that you must value your life. Because life is the greatest gift ever, and yours is infinitely valuable. My anger doesn't change the fact that I love and care about you - in fact, it's because I love and care about you.

So, yes, I'll be there even in the consequences of the bad decisions. But, here's the deal. I'm not going anywhere, but neither will my conscience allow me to be silent when you make those decisions. I have to speak the truth that rests in my mind and heart. And I am painfully aware of how fragile your trust in me is, and every time I open my mouth to speak truth to you, I do it with the awareness that what I'm going to say could very easily damage the trust I've worked for you to build in me. And yet, my heart will not allow me to stay quiet. Because it hurts me when I watch you hurt yourself in these ways.

I think that's it. I mostly wanted to say again that I care. A lot. That I'm not going anywhere. That I'm sorry if I've hurt you, but not sorry that I've challenged you on some things. That I'm praying for you and everyone else affected by this time. But especially for you. That my heart is crying for you, that I wish there was something really practical and tangible I could do, instead of just watching your pain. That I wish I could have given you a real hug this morning instead of a "phone hug." That I love you, and Jesus does too, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Lisa

Grrrr...

I spent the last 28 minutes talking very loudly into my phone. With a lot of vehemence, annoyance, and frustration.

You see, someone I know is consistently making a very dumb decision - choosing to get in a vehicle with a drunk driver. This person has lost friends to drunk driving, and yet continually chooses to get in a vehicle driven by someone consistently drunk. Furthermore, the person is defending the decision that she recognizes as stupid. And it makes me crazy.

Because I've been walking with her through life for quite a while now, and there is a complete lack of logical intelligence to this though pattern. The idea that this is the only dumb decision that's been made in the last three weeks just isn't cutting it. Yes, there are all kinds of other issues tied up in the situation, but none of them seem to be important enough for my friend to consistently risk her life in this manner. And no matter what I say, that isn't getting through.

And I am beyond my ability. At least she doesn't mind when I get really loud and blunt. Because that's how I was today. She likes that part of me - which I think is crazy - I'm not even sure I always like that "how can you be so blind" mentality that occasionally erupts from me. In some weird way, it amused this friend, and it often cuts through the issue and gets truth through to her. It didn't today. Apparantly we have to agree to disagree. What is that anyway - why should I agree to disagree with her, and thereby allow her to continue doing something stupid? Maybe that's what really ticks me off - that I didn't get through - that sometime in the next three days, she will be in a vehicle driven by a drunk driver. And I'm scared.

Jesus, protect her. Put your guards around her life and body. Can you do that even when she's knowingly endangering herself? Would you do that? Please? And could you continue to give me wisdom to handle this friendship? Teach me what to speak as I walk through this difficult time in her life. I am Yours - my hands are open and I desire to be used by you.