"Real" Emotions

So, I'm sitting with a friend on Sunday night, and he's praying for me, listening to God, and praying about the stuff we'd been talking about. I'm half-way paying attention, half-way distracted by everything going on around us, and all of a sudden he says, "God, give Lisa real emotions." Then, he turns to me, grins, and goes, "P.S. I don't know what that means." His way of saying it was a God prayer, and not a him prayer.

I'd already started laughing. I had a pretty good idea what it meant. It was something I'd been thinking about recently. What has been at least two and a half years of depression has done a number on my emotional health. I have mostly been deadened, bombarded by so much pain, and depression that my emotions began to shut down. They stopped allowing me to experience things as deeply. I would put on a emotion in the same way I put on clothes. It's time to be happy now, sad etc. I would especially do it in church services - okay, the worship needs me to be excited, longing, happy, etc. Not a problem, because the emotions were never deep - they were there to mask whatever was really going on. It was a coping mechanism that has allowed me to survive the last couple years.

Recently, I'd become very aware of my limited emotional span. I can't cry - that was the biggest indicator, because I've always been a person who cries easily. And so, my friend prayed that I would feel "real emotion."

I wish he hadn't.

Let me rephrase. I don't wish he hadn't, but, when I started getting hit with emotion tonight at house church. There was no putting on the "right" emotion for worship. All I could do was sink into the couch, close my eyes and let the music and singing flow around me. I was/am exhausted, and I would guess that it showed. I don't know if some of the other emotions were playing across my face - the sudden sadness, the confusion over this place in my life, the insecurity, the sense of isolation while being surrounded by people. Wow. It was tough. All I could think was "I want to get out of here, but I can't leave because I drove 5 other girls, and it would disturb everyone, not to mention make them angry if I needed to leave in the middle of the study."

I think I may have taken some of the emotion out on others, and for that I'm truly sorry. I was VERY cranky. The combination of the last couple weeks, the emotions of tonight, hormones, frustration, lack of sleep, major school stress this week, and "real" emotion was more than I could cope with gracefully. I was feeling bitter and angry at what I was experiencing, believing God was in it, but not wanting this - not knowing what to do with it, and mostly just wanting to go home and crawl into bed and bawl my eyes out with the tears and release that never comes.

So, if you're thinking about me in the next couple days, pray that I survive. I have a couple of very intense days at school, followed by work, and a couple more intense school days. Pray that I will find release, that my mind will remain functional and clear even in the midst of emotional turmoil, and that God will continue to release things in my life - because that is my greatest desire at the moment - to be released from the things that hold my life so tightly in the grip of fear and depression - to be free.

Stiff

My back and neck are protesting my very existence today, and my eyes are fighting to stay open, even in the classes I'm most interested in. I spent something like nine hours yesterday starting the process of moving back into my bedroom. I carried umpteen boxes of books, clothes, odds and ends, etc, etc. up the stairs from the basement. I'm mostly there.

My computer isn't back in my space yet, so it will still be a little while before the "serious" writing begins again. Plus, I have two midterms and a paper due on Thursday this week. (Here's hoping I get the extension on the paper that I've requested!) But soon - I have lots to hash out in writing, and can't wait for the release of curling up at my desk, in my own bedroom, and writing my little brain out!

In other news, nothing much came of my uneasiness on the weekend. I talked with one friend about it - we prayed together, and he said the sense he had was that it was my own emotions - not a God thing, not an attack. Okay. Still not a great thing that my emotions can get that out of whack, but okay. I was so distracted. It got worse through the whole day. I had such a hard time concentrating at church on Sunday night - which sucks, because Sheri preached a great message, and I just couldn't focus or respond the way I would have liked. But, I'm thankful for friends with greater discernment than me. Friends that I can grab, and throw something like this overwhelming sense of uneasiness or fear in their lap, and know that they will catch it, pray with me, and help me deal with whatever's going on.

I must be off. I need to go to one more class, and then I'm ditching my last class to go home early, start studying, and maybe catch a nap before house church tonight. My head aches. My next class is boring - world history - but material I've covered a zillion times. I'm hoping to get some reading for one of my midterms done while the prof lectures, and if that doesn't work, then I'll pretend to make notes while really journalling, or outlining my paper.

Off Days

I'm having a weird couple of days. I woke up yesterday morning after a great night with friends Friday night, and everything was just "off." I couldn't peg it, but it played out in some ugly bursts of temper and tears, unfairly directed at people around me. It played out in laziness, too. In short, I acted something like a five year old who didn't get her way.

I went out again last night - saw Blue Like Jazz Live again with a different friend. (Still fantastic by the way!) We hung out for a while, hooked up with some other friends, and I was doing okay.

They dropped me off, and I tried to sleep. (I'm leaving for work in ten minutes). I knew I needed to be at least semi-alert this morning. But, again, something was so "off." I lay there, feeling uneasy, and upset - my stomach thudding around in the way that happens when I'm stressed. I prayed - "God, what's going on here... reveal the source of my unease... etc." Nothing. Finally I slept. Sort of. If you consider tossing and turning true sleep, and if you consider waking up at least four times in the six and a half hours I was in bed true sleep.

I'm still feeling "off" this morning. Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. Some silent, uncomfortable sense of foreboding - of forthcoming bad things. I have a full day planned. Work, then dinner with a friend and her boyfriend, then church, and probably hanging out after church. If you find this today, say a prayer for me. When this kind of thing settles on me, things start spiraling downward - the depression kicks up, I spend time confused, and over analyzing because I'm trying to peg what's going on. Pray for clarity, or peace, or something...

And, with that I'm off to work... cranky brides, here I come!

Blue Like Jazz Live

Christian drama can either be really good, or really really bad. That's a statement of fact. When you decided to attend a dramatic event that is "Christian" you have to hedge your bets and keep your expectations low, because there are far more of the really really bad than the really good.

I started seeing posters around campus on my university a couple weeks back for a performance entitled "Blue Like Jazz Live". I read the posters pretty carefully, wondering if it had anything to do with the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller, which I had recently read and loved. It did. I was definitely interested, but afraid the performance would be one of the really really bad variety, and would ruin what was a fantastic book.

Then, a couple people I trust to have decent taste reccommended the play. Okay, so I'll check it out. I watched the trailer on the internet (here) and talked some friends into coming with me. Last night we drove to a church that was just outside the city, and bought tickets and sat down to wait.

It was really really GOOD. I mean it. If you ever have a chance to see Jason Hildebrand do this performance, jump at it. It was brilliant. We laughed until we nearly cried. And then we got hit by the truth so carefully crafted into Donald Miller's stories. After it was over, we headed out to a pub. We needed to sit and talk. We talked about a wide variety of things, but our conversation was peppered with quotes from the play.

I was driving home with a friend, and the only thing that disappointed us was the "come to our church" message that the pastor of the church finished with. We talked about whether or not we would bring non-believers to this one - we would. We would hope that the pastor wouldn't do that sort of message, but my friend aptly commented that he thought that any smart person would catch that this kind of proselytization speech was exactly the kind of thing that the play addressed and debunked.

For those of you in Calgary, who read this today. Go see the play tonight. And call me if you go, because I'd love to see it again. It was worth every penny. If you're not in Calgary, but you're going to be at the Nashville YS convention next week, watch for the play there. That will be it's American debut. Or, if you're in Calgary, you could contact me in a couple of weeks, and borrow the DVD of the performance that I ordered. I guarantee it won't be as good as watching it live, but it's worth it to see it anyway. I just have to wait for it to be mailed to me.

Remember.

In honor of Remembrance Day, and the soldiers who both gave their lives to our country's freedom, or fought and survived the battle, I proudly wear a poppy, and present to you two poems - the classic "Flander's Fields" seen everywhere in Canada at this time of year, but still so poignant, and another favorite war poem of mine.

In Flanders Fields
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it hight.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
(Robert McCrae)

An Irish Airman Foresees His Death
I know that I shall meet my fate
Somewhere among the clouds above;
Those that I fight I do not hate,
Those that I guard I do not love;
My country is Kiltartan Cross,
My countrymen Kiltartan's poor,
No likely end could bring them loss
Or leave them happier tahn before.
Nor law, nor duty bade me fight,
Nor public men, nor cheering crowds,
A lonely impulse of delight
Drove to this tumult in the clouds;
I balanced all, brought all to mind,
The years to come seemed waste of breath,
A waste of breath the years behind
In balance with this life, this death.
(W.B. Yeats)


We Remember.