Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 193

Today's Daily 5:

1. Being finished with midterms
2. an unplanned lunch in the campus pub - hamburgers - drowning our midterm pain in carbs
3. an unplanned, unexpected chance for a shower (a big deal given my current living situation)
4. rich, tasty Italian food
5. sharing a meal and laughing with a long-time friend

Whimsical Wednesday, February 29, 2012

It's a Leap Year edition of Whimsical Wednesday!  As always, I'd love to hear your favorites, or any thoughts that these images stir for you.  Or, just for a change of pace, if you feel like it, I'd love to hear why you think some of these images spoke to me, and grabbed my attention!

Source: corporatefineart.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: thehappyfamilymovement.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: sparkpeople.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: truefail.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: polyvore.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: allthingslovely.typepad.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 192

Today's Daily 5:

1. a straightforward in-class paper topic
2. seeing some friends from class after a week away
3. finally getting my student loans for the semester mostly straightened out
4. pouring out my heart in some future posts (I love when my heart works and words flow)
5. practicing taking blood pressure, and feeling like I'm slowly getting the hang of what it is that I'm listening to/for

Tuesday Anticipations, February 28, 2012

This week I'm anticipating:

• The continuing chance to write about my journey with my body and food
• The conversations that are springing from writing about that journey
• many, many quiet evenings
• the return to having house church after a week off
• the end of midterms for this semester
• a spiritual direction session
• the chance to devote a bit of time to creative endeavours like knitting and maybe art journaling
• the return to the routine of classes (though don't get me wrong, I loved the time off!)

What are you looking forward to this week?

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 191

Today's Daily 5:

1. A quiet day spent studying and resting
2. stepping into something that made me uncomfortable, but that I knew was right
3. string cheese
4. hugging a friend
5. listening to Ian Cron's Chasing Francis
6. anticipated landmine moments that ended up not being explosive
7. listening to Jason Upton preach - I filled three pages of my journal with tiny print of the quotes, and am hoping and praying that the message gets podcasted so I can revisit it over and over again
8. awesome comments and beginnings of conversation on the idea of our bodies, food and spirituality
9. enjoying one last day of reading break
10. curling into a cozy bed at the end of the night

A Temple? (Some Thoughts on the Body)

                        Source: tonedcurves.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

I have for quite some time now been staring at a tab with the above image displayed on it in my web browser.  The tab has been open for days, weeks even, as I ponder the words in the image, and ponder the way they relate to how my heart is being shaped in this season.  It has been open, and I've stared at it as I pondered how on earth to broach this topic in this space, and if I even would.  This topic feels like a risk.

It seems funny to say that talking about my relationship with my body and food seems like a risk.  In this space I've spoken openly about my journey with mental illness, spirituality and other very personal things.  Things that are in some ways nearer and dearer to my heart, more personal in many ways than the topic of my body and food.  But talking about this feels risky.

And yet, I don't believe it's an option to NOT talk about it.  This is something new, something that is being outworked in my life, something Jesus is drawing my attention to.  For a couple of months now, I've been quietly paying attention to it, noticing it, dialoging about it in select trusted circles.  And now, quietly, though I by no means have it all sorted out, I'm going to start talking about it here in this space where I share the ways my life is being shaped, moulded, and changed.  I imagine it will take more posts than just this one and that this, like mental illness and spirituality and all those other personal things I share in this space, is a journey that will be an ongoing topic of discussion.  But, for a little while, I'll probably talk about it regularly as I explore in writing these things that are surfacing within me and demanding my attention.

"The food you eat can either be the safest and most powerful form or medicine or the slowest form of poison." (Ann Wigmore)

This quote hit a raw and poignant place when I read it for the first time a month or so ago.  I was about a month into a new habit of paying very close attention to what I eat and noticing how it affects my body.

This whole thing started sometime in mid-November, when I tried on a dress I hadn't worn in a while - a  dress I was planning to wear to an engagement party being held for my brother and his fiancee.  It didn't fit.  It should have fit.  I was convinced that it had been shrunken accidentally in the laundry by the last person who wore it - a friend I'd loaned it to - one who usually wore slightly larger clothing than me.  I was frustrated that my dress didn't fit, but didn't connect it to my body.  Over the next month, a few other encounters with clothes from my closet that fit differently than I expected them to led me to dragging out the bathroom scale sometime around the beginning of the new year.

Twenty-five pounds.

Twenty-five pounds.  I'd never in my life worried about weight or what I ate, but it seemed that the combination of a medication I began taking about eight months earlier to treat anxiety and depression, and the appetite that I had for the first time in a decade as a result of the medication had taken their toll.  I'd gained twenty-five pounds.

The number registering on the scale ushered in a new season of life in my body.  Suddenly, this thing that I never acknowledged unless it somehow failed me, was demanding my attention.  It was calling for me to notice it, to notice my habits surrounding it, to be open to them, and to letting Jesus share with me how he sees me in a new way.  I've explored how Jesus sees me quite a lot the last few years, and fallen in love with him more deeply along the way, but I don't think we've ever talked about my body.  Why would we?  My body was utilitarian, and I preferred to ignore it, rather than acknowledge it.  I was afraid of it too - afraid of it failing me, afraid of acknowledging that I couldn't control it at times, afraid of acknowledging that I failed it.

Around the same time as the numbers registered on the scale began to signal that there was something I needed to pay attention to, my friend Christianne began to write about her own journey with her body.  I found in Christianne's words the comfort that comes from realizing that a journey that seemed strange and odd to me was perhaps not quite so strange and odd, and was not one that is being walked alone, but one that was and is walked out continually by people all over the face of the planet.

And so with the awareness of the scale and the comfort of knowing that this was not a journey that I was the first or only one to walk, I began to walk.  I made plans silently as the new year began, starting with setting the goal of losing those twenty-five pounds over the next six months to a year.  I explored ways and means to help me achieve that goal, and I began to listen to my body more closely.  I began to prayerfully put this new awareness in front of Jesus, and wait to see where he would guide.  I became aware of the others who were talking about caring for their body, consuming food in a mindful way, discussing the fact that our bodies are holy.

I've never had to think about weight or the food I consumed - my physical response to my emotional and mental state took care of that.  I would gain a little weight when times were good and I felt stable, but I never worried about those pounds, because the one thing I knew about my body was that it consistently failed me.  That times would get bad again thanks to the battles I fought with depression and anxiety, and those pounds would melt away along with my appetite, and sometimes my ability to keep food down.

I'm going to talk more about my relationship with food in the future, but I want to highlight this - the only thing that I trusted about my body was that it would fail me.  I had learned that this was it's one consistent behavior.  My brain chemistry would get wonky, the hard times would come, and my appetite would disappear.  I didn't notice or acknowledge my body except to berate it.  To be frustrated with it. To wonder why it continually let me down.

In Christianne's first post in her series on the body, she shared a question she asked Jesus, "Help me to learn how you view my body, and help me learn how you want me to care for it."

She posted that question about a week after I'd really begun in earnest to notice my body, to try to treat it differently, and in that question I found words for the things rolling around in my head and heart.  As I began to ask Jesus how he saw my body, and what he wanted me to know about it, the first thing that sprang to mind was a passage of scripture that talks about our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit.

My love of all things liturgical caused that phrase to conjure up an incredible set of memories and images.  Images of beauty, of holiness.  Memories of the first Catholic mass I attended at St. Mary's Cathedral here in Calgary, and of the churches I sat and prayed in in Rome and Malta.  Thoughts of the four and a half years I spent studying to obtain a degree in church history, and the feeling of setting foot in some of those places several years later when I travelled to Europe for the first time.  Memories of being a small child, and having my first "job" helping my grandparents who worked as church custodians - cleaning bathrooms, watering plants, cleaning glass, and carefully dusting the pews each week.  Mental images from childhood of watching pilgrims prayerfully ascend the steps to St. Joseph's Oratory in Montreal, and more recent ones of the moment I stood before a priest in St. Peter's Basillica in Rome, to receive the ashes in the last mass of the day on Ash Wednesday, of the feeling of the ashes on my head as I stood in the center of that magnificent church.

I thought about temples as I read through Leviticus in my daily scripture readings, encountering the strict commands that God gave to his people about the construction of this place of worship - about the beauty and awe it should generate.  I thought about temples as I considered the churches, cathedrals, and sacred spaces that I've visited all over North America and during my time in Europe.  I thought about how these are the places that have been made sacred, set apart for God to dwell in, to meet with his people in.  And I thought about the maintenance devoted to these spaces - how their sacred nature demands care.  And then I returned again to the passage of Scripture that seemed to be Jesus' immediate answer to my question.

Eugene Peterson translates the passage like this:

Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.  (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 The Message)

As I explored the context of these verses and the passages that surround them, I came across others in the same chapter:


You know the old saying, "First you eat to live, and then you live to eat"? Well, it may be true that the body is only a temporary thing, but that's no excuse for stuffing your body with food, or indulging it with sex. Since the Master honors you with a body, honor him with your body!


God honored the Master's body by raising it from the grave. He'll treat yours with the same resurrection power. Until that time, remember that your bodies are created with the same dignity as the Master's body. You wouldn't take the Master's body off to a whorehouse, would you? I should hope not. (1 Corinthians 6:13-15 The Message)

Three things became strikingly clear to me, and are the things that I continue to ponder daily.

First, my body is a temple.  It is a sacred space, set aside for God to reside in, and for Him to meet with me.  The implications of that stun me.  I've heard the passage in context of arguments for not smoking, not consuming excessive amounts of alcohol, and even the need for regular exercise.  All of these were arguments that meant little to me.  But hearing Jesus remind me that I am his temple?  That was a different story, and I find myself pondering the implications of being a temple, given my associations of temples with sacred space, holiness and deep beauty.  I find myself pondering the fact that a temple is designed to display the glory of God, and maintained to continue that display for ages to come.  It leaves me with questions about my own display of God's glory.  Questions about the teaching I grew up with that it is the inner beauty that displays the glory of God, and the inner beauty only.  Questions about how it is that I care for this temple - how I maintain it so that it continues to display God's glory.

Second, this phrase in Peterson's rendering of these verses jumped out at me: "Since the Master honors you with a body, honor him with your body!"  My body is an honor given to me by Christ.  That's a thought that is going to require some further meditation and conversation with Jesus.

And finally, my body is created with the same dignity as Christ's body.  Hello!  Did you catch that in the passages I quoted?  It stopped me in my tracks.  Peterson's version reads, "...remember that your bodies are created with the same dignity as the Master's body. You wouldn't take the Master's body off to a whorehouse, would you? I should hope not."  It's a rather striking image, this age old question of "Would I take Jesus there or subject Him to that, and if not, why am I taking myself there, or subjecting myself to it?"  I have a thousand arguments to answer those questions and justify various things in my life or the life of others around me, but it boils down to this: when this is a personal question, when I am talking with Jesus and he is asking me if I am treating my own body and how I see it in the way I would treat and see his body, I need to stop and think a bit.


And so I'm pondering, and asking questions, and listening, and implementing new habits and practices.  And I'm going to talk about those things here.  I set out to write one post about the changing way in which I am relating to my body, and my history with my body, and as I wrote I discovered that I have stories to tell.   For the next while I will share these stories and ponderings and questions in this space, and I'd like to invite you to journey with me as I talk about food, about my body, about being a temple, about weight and eating, about health and self-image, and coming into myself more fully.  You're welcome to come along, and I'd definitely love to hear your thoughts and interact with you about this.  Feel free to leave a comment, or to email me at the address in my profile.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 190

Today's Daily 5:

1. Sleeping in
2. Shoveling snow in the quiet morning
3. Rye toast with butter and jam on one slice, and peanut butter on the other
4. listening to the audio book "Chasing Francis" (seriously, you all need to read this book! I'm ordering a paper copy ASAP so that I can highlight and read and re-read.)
5. Big purple bruises on my leg that are making me laugh and reminding me of adventures carrying sheets of drywall with my brother yesterday
6. finding a wealth of awesome audiobooks during a library visit
7. A giant mug of tea
8. making good progress on the school work necessary for the week ahead
9. watching The West Wing again from the beginning on DVD
10. taking the time to sit and begin to write some things I've never shared before

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 188 & 189

Yesterday's Daily 5:

1. one more lazy, indulgent morning
2. accomplishing an errand that has been on my list for several weeks
3. roasted baby potatoes
4. chicken with salsa and black beans
5. chocolate

Today's Daily 5:

1. Tim Horton's Breakfast sandwich
2. A Harvey's Burger
3. That the lumber store we went to has an old school movie theatre popcorn maker, and gives out free popcorn to it's customers
4. Laughing with my baby brother
5. really bad jokes
6. That T's foot wasn't hurt too bad when he stepped on a rusty nail at the dump today, and that I had the fun of doing some basic first aid and helping him clean up the wound
7. a lumber store that loaded the wood and drywall for us
8. a day of random adventures: The dump (twice!), Princess Auto, a lumber store, doing first aid on a puncture wound
9. a long hot shower after working outdoors in the cold and getting majorly chilled
10. yogurt mango candies

Friday Reflections, February 24, 2012

Today's reflection comes from Henri Nouwen once again, and explores the power of words:


Words That Create

Words, words, words. Our society is full of words: on billboards, on television screens, in newspapers and books. Words whispered, shouted, and sung. Words that move, dance, and change in size and color. Words that say, "Taste me, smell me, eat me, drink me, sleep with me," but most of all, "buy me." With so many words around us, we quickly say: "Well, they're just words." Thus, words have lost much of their power.

Still, the word has the power to create. When God speaks, God creates. When God says, "Let there be light" (Genesis 1:3), light is. God speaks light. For God, speaking and creating are the same. It is this creative power of the word we need to reclaim. What we say is very important. When we say, "I love you," and say it from the heart, we can give another person new life, new hope, new courage. When we say, "I hate you," we can destroy another person. Let's watch our words.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 187

Today's Daily 5:

1. a lazy, lazy morning (hello indulgence of staying in bed and resting until noon!)
2. Cozy, comfy clothes to wear around the house
3. a banana with peanut butter
4. a day with absolutely no pressures or demands
5. 24-7 Prayer Spaces Lenten video podcast (love that it's not quite so morose, but far more pointing towards Jesus than some Lenten resources)
6. a really encouraging appointment
7. a random chat with a stranger on the bus
8. oatmeal-raisin cookies
9. bumping into someone I know at Starbucks
10. coming home to curl up and watch a couple of episodes of The West Wing on DVD again

Learning to Juggle

Most days, I wake up grouchy at the alarm that dared wake me at 5:30 am, a full 3 hours before there will be daylight in these winter months.  By the time I make it to the bus, though, it has usually hit me that I am up at this rather unholy hour because I am finally in nursing school.  Eight weeks into the program, that still amazes me almost every day.

It has not, by any means, been a bump free transition from the year and a half of working and waiting, and the month off over the Christmas holidays, to the daily schedule of student life.  If you ask me to describe the more, umm, creative learning activities, I'll preface them with a statement that begins, "I think we were supposed to learn..."  The fact that I am paying thousands of dollars each semester in tuition and must preface my descriptions of learning activities in such a manner is, well, a point of tension in my life to say the least.  The fact that these activities regularly resemble junior high social studies class?  Well that's definitely the icing on the cake.

Most days, though, if I stop for a few minutes, and sit quietly on the bus at the end of the day, I go back to the amazement that marked my mornings.  The slightly stunned feeling that after a year and a half of waiting, of risking my heart hurting by longing for this, it's happening!  I am learning things like administering vaccinations, and taking blood pressure readings.  Granted, the method of learning might sometimes include a slightly twisted version of charades (read: my idea of hell), but I'm learning!

I've been thinking about all of this this week, while I'm at home, reading, doing homework, and preparing to dive back in to the second half of the semester.  I've been thinking about all sorts of things that deserve (and will eventually get) posts of their own.  Things like longing and fulfilment, like coming into my own skin, like this odd new voice that sometimes leaps out from inside of me and begins to speak.

But this week I'm particularly thinking about school, and about my one word for the year, still.  I'm thinking about how I sometimes feel resentment about my school schedule, and the demands that it places on my introverted self.  How I resent the decisions and prioritizing that it forces.

I was thinking about it yesterday as I contemplated the merits of silence, versus the desire to catch up on some favorite television shows.  I thought about it as I pondered sitting in stillness versus doing some homework, and doing that homework versus catching up on my friends in bloggyland, whose writing I've fallen hopelessly behind on once again.  I was thinking about it as I pondered the dozens of times I've had to consider whether or not I could say yes to an invitation from close friends, knowing that I need to conserve the energy that time with people requires of me, so that I can make it through a week of classes and the hours and hours of group work each day.

I don't like being forced to choose, to prioritize.  I want it all.  I want to be in school, but still have ample time for quiet and stillness.  I want to have the stillness, but stay caught up on my favorite blogs and television shows.  I want to be with my closest friends unfettered, without having to consider that saying no to them just might be the way I make it through to Friday without melting into a puddle of tears at the end of the day.

It's fascinating to me how different it is to live in the reality of something, rather than my idealized expectations of it.  I didn't think about the demands that nursing school would place on me.  I just followed my heart into the direction it felt Jesus leading.  I didn't think about the challenge of the word "still" as I headed into a year where my schedule would be more full than it has been in the last five years, I just followed that Jesus voice inside me again.  And reality is different than ideal.  It's more explored, and it comes with tensions and tradeoffs.  It comes with its own beauties, and its own raw places.

And so it was that yesterday I juggled.  I watched a little bit of TV, did some homework, and sat for a bit in quiet.  I lit a few candles and tried to let my heart lead the way, asking myself and Jesus continuously what it was that I needed in that moment.  Did I need to write?  Could I do that with something playing in the background, or did my heart crave silence?  Could I head out to see some extra people, or do some errands, or did I need to sit quietly at home?  It's new to me, this juggling, this sitting in this particular tension that comes between the reality of two callings in my heart - one to the demands of school, and one to my word and to stillness.  And so I juggle, and I learn the importance of checking in regularly with myself and with Jesus.  And slowly, oh so slowly, even when sometimes it looks like acknowledging that I feel just a bit resentful over these forced choices, I am making my way forward.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 186

Today's Daily 5:

1. a walk near the river with a friend from school and her two dogs.  walking is such an awesome way to have conversations
2. an afternoon of beginning to tackle some homework
3. simple meals
4. chocolate with hazelnuts
5. curling up under a warm blanket

Whimsical Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Another eclectic Whimsical Wednesday collection.  As always, I'd love to hear what image sticks out to you.

Source: luellajune.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: bellamumma.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: sn110w.snt110.mail.live.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: nerdquirks.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: 25.media.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: bippityboppityboo.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 185

Today's Daily 5:

1. Time catching up with a dear friend
2. Watching a child's wonder at the zoo - checking out the animals from her level
3. enjoying the spectacular creativity exhibited in the exotic animals at the zoo
4. bubble gum
5. the Noise Trade website for awesome free music
6. an afternoon of quiet
7. string cheese
8. chocolate
9. the accomplishment of painting a room with 14 foot walls mostly on my own
10. settling into a bed with freshly washed sheets, wearing freshly washed pajamas

Tuesday Anticipations, February 21, 2012

This week I'm anticipating:

• The chance to visit the zoo with the closest friend I have who still lives in Calgary, and her daughter
• delivering a first birthday gift for her daughter, which has been sitting in my room for almost two months, since I forgot to take it with me to her birthday party
• the likelihood of visiting the brand new penguin exhibit at our zoo, that opened only a few days ago
• the chance to head home after a weekend of staying at mom and dad's and be back in my own bed
• tackling a to do list that has gotten a bit out of control between school, and being away from my own space for the weekend
• sitting in quiet
• taking a long walk in a favorite park with a friend from school and her two dogs
• an appointment with a trusted advisor
• Getting to hear Jason Upton at a church service
• spending some time knitting
• a bit more time with family
• beginning to prepare and study the book of Romans for our next house church study
• doing some writing that's been stirring in me lately
• catching up on a bunch of blog reading

What are you looking forward to in the next week?

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 184

Today's Daily 5:

1. Errands with my baby brother, before going back to working on their house
2. chatting with my middle brother, when he joined us for an afternoon of work
3. Painting my first ever ceiling (a tiny closet one, but still, I felt accomplished!)
4. Coming home and taking a long hot bath and washing out my hair after a dusty, dirty day of work
5. angel food cake with vanilla ice cream, fresh blueberries, and fresh strawberries

Reading Break Monday

It's the Monday of reading break.  A holiday Monday here in Alberta - Family Day.

I'm spending it much as I've spent the majority of the last two days - doing demolition, clean-up, prep work and painting at the house my brother and sister-in-law bought.  There's a bunch of work to be done there before they can move in in about six weeks, and so today, while a bunch of family and friends are available, we're tackling as much as we can get underway.  Mostly that's going to look like painting and cleaning, and maybe starting to lay just a bit of laminate flooring.

The rest of this reading break is shaping up in similar ways.  Working at their house.  Doing homework.  Spending time with friends that I don't get to see as much as I would like.  Working ahead on some school projects.  Resting.

I have some awesome posts planned for the next week or so.  Some stuff I've been sitting with for a while now, and want to share here.  But they'll have to wait for a day when I'm not painting walls.  It's a different kind of creativity, this physical work - this chance to help some people I love.  But it's a good kind.  And so that's what I'm doing on Family Day, Reading Break Monday.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 183

Today's Daily 5:

1. a long and restful morning in bed
2. the aching of muscles that declare I worked hard yesterday
3. an afternoon of chatting with my sister-in-law, and listening to music as we worked on stripping wallpaper together
4. settling in to watch a funny movie with mom and dad
5. angel food cake, fresh berries, and just a bit of vanilla ice cream

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 182

Today's Daily 5:

1. Sleeping in
2. Catching up on Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice
3. My sister-in-law's triumphant "Ya we did" exclamation punctuating the various, not usually done by girls tasks we tackled together today, while the guys did the really heavy lifting.
4. microwave popcorn
5. a long hot bubble bath

Some Thoughts on Grief, and a Project You Can Support

I haven't talked about it a lot here, because none of the stories are mine to tell, but I've been an observer of grief quite a lot over the last year.  Several friends lost parents to cancer, others have children who have been terminally ill, or who face lives that won't play out in an "american dream" kind of way.  On a personal level, I've walked through the process of grieving changes in living circumstances, relationships, and many other things.  These days it seems like every week brings news of a new death, or someone else who is battling for life, or facing dramatic changes in circumstance that must be grieved.  At times the onslaught of news has been overwhelming and left me struggling to process and understand the pain I was experiencing and that people I care deeply for are walking out.

All of these experiences combined made my heart leap when my friend Karla Adolphe sent out an email indicating that the next album she was planning to record was aiming to be a resource for those walking through the process of grief.  More than that, her desire is to have this album be a free resource - not an album for sale, but one that she can give away to those who are grieving.

I was with Karla at a worship gathering where she led recently, and was reminded all over again of the power of her voice, and the way Jesus uses it.  I'm so excited to see the way God will work through this new album, not only because of the topic, but because of Karla's unique ability to invite the hearts of her audience to connect with Jesus.

This is a clip of one of the songs that will be on the album, played publicly for the first time recently, at a concert in Colorado:



The exciting part about this project for me is the chance that we have to support it. Maybe you remember a year or so ago, when the Blue Like Jazz movie went viral with it's Kickstarter fundraising campaign? Well, Karla is doing something similar to raise funds for this album. You can go to THIS site to participate. I've borrowed the following, explaining just a bit more about the heart of the album, from the fundraising site:

About a year ago Karla was privileged to be at the hospital when a dear family said goodbye to their daughter. In the midst of that beautiful and heart-wrenching day Karla witnessed music play an important role in the early stages of grief.


The goal is to create a resource to help people through the process of grief, and because of this Karla will not recoup any of her $9800 budget with cd sales. The goal is to raise at least $7500 by April 1, 2012 to cover the costs of recording, producing, mixing and mastering and marketing the album.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the topic of grief, and I'd love to hear if you were able to support Karla in this project.  As always, leave me a comment!

CHECK OUT THE FUNDRAISING SITE HERE!

Daily 5 - Year 3, Days 180 & 181

It occurred to me as I sat down just now to make today's daily 5 list, that making a list for yesterday completely slipped my mind in the time and space between when I arrived home last night, and when I fell into a rather exhausted stupor and eventually sleep.

So, first, here's yesterday's Daily 5:

1. gorgeous orange sunrise
2. Vietnamese noodle bowl
3. Chinese food with house church friends
4. the laughter and joyful conversation that always comes on the nights we share a meal together at house church
5. a hug and kiss goodnight from my favorite little man as I left house church last night - I always love the moments when he comes to offer affection.

And, here's today's Daily 5:

1. Making my way through Ian Cron's memoir "Jesus, My Father, the CIA and Me" via audiobook.  I've lacked the energy to do much "traditional" extracurricular reading since school started, but this book (which, by the way, you should all read or listen to!) has been an awesome way to meet my need for words that don't have anything to do with the nursing process and do have everything to do with the value of story, the process of healing, and a love of Jesus.
2. Vietnamese noodle bowl, second day in a row!
3. A quiet lunch hour, shared with a friend.
4. that a necessary (if somewhat frustrating) errand went quickly and smoothly on my way home from school tonight
5. Loving a quiet Friday evening at home.  They've become almost sacred, this time where I clean, sort, decompress from my week, eat simple meals, and ease myself into the weekend and catching up on things like the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy.  Tonight has been particularly lovely, since it is the beginning of reading break, so I am ushering in a week with a different schedule, and lots of time to rest.  It's also been lovely in that a particular activity, which was once sacred, and then needed to be separated from my sacred life in order for me to heal, was able to be a bit sacred again tonight, but sacred in a way that wasn't marked by painful memories, but the joy instead of sitting with it, and knowing that I was choosing to let it be sacred and not feeling forced into it.

Friday Reflections, February 17, 2012

Today's Friday Reflection comes from a daily email written by Richard Rohr.  His words on prayer challenged me earlier this week, and I wanted to share them with you today:


DISCOVERING YOUR TRUE SELF THROUGH PRAYER

“Everything exposed to the light itself becomes light,” says Ephesians 5:13. In prayer, we merely keep returning the divine gaze and we become its reflection, almost in spite of ourselves (2 Corinthians 3:18). The word “prayer” has often been trivialized by making it into a way of getting what we want. But I use “prayer” as the umbrella word for any interior journeys or practices that allow you to experience faith, hope, and love within yourself. It is not a technique for getting things, a pious exercise that somehow makes God happy, or a requirement for entry into heaven. It is much more like practicing heaven now.


Such prayer, such seeing, takes away your anxiety for figuring it all out fully for yourself, or needing to be right about your formulations. At this point, God becomes more a verb than a noun, more a process than a conclusion, more an experience than a dogma, more a personal relationship than an idea. There is Someone dancing with you, and you are not afraid of making mistakes.


From The Naked Now: Learning to See as the Mystics See, pp. 22-23

Present Even With This

The moments when the exhaustion and sadness hit seem odd sometimes.

This week they came at the end of two days that were truly good.  One day in which I embraced silence and created space for my soul to breathe, and one in which new things went well, and some old things were resolved.

And yet, at the end of each of those days, I found myself wondering as the feeling that sometimes precedes tears came upon me.  I found myself questioning the sudden appearance of sadness.

It was (and is) tempting in those moments to argue with myself, to shame and scold myself.  To tell myself that the days have been good, the weeks have been good, that all things considered, even life has been good.  To scold myself for feeling sad, and work to talk myself out of it.

Instead, this week I tried to be present, even with the sadness.

To acknowledge it.  To allow it to exist without shame.  To ask some questions of myself, of it.

I'm not so good at this being present with pain.  My preference is to avoid it - the partial topic of a long and lovely conversation I had this week, and most likely of a post in the future.  Mindful of that conversation I have tried to sit in the presence of the sadness and the exhaustion and allow it to be present.

And in sitting, this week, I noticed some things.  I noticed that last week was full of hard things, things where I can say with pride that I handled them well, that I was able to walk through them in a way I wouldn't have been able to a year ago.  I noticed that embracing the quiet space that my soul was craving gave time for my feelings to surface more truly.  I noticed that though some of the ongoing challenges of my living space have been tempered lately, the questions and the pain of the situation, the grief that goes with it, those remain, and when I am quiet they have space for expression.  I noticed that some of what I was feeling was exhausted relief, as bits and pieces of last weeks challenges came full circle to their resolution.

And in pausing to be present with those things, to notice them, I discovered that the urge to cry from sheer exhaustion was passing.  That instead of anger and frustration, I was feeling grace for myself, grace for the things I was experiencing.  The sort of grace I've always been able to offer freely and deeply to others, but have rarely managed to extend inward towards myself.

And so, I choose to be present even with this.  Even when being present doesn't look like joy.  Because I am learning to understand that I am loved, by Jesus, and by friends, and that I need to offer love to myself.  And I am learning that when I am able to be present with myself in the painful moments, I am more able to allow Jesus to be present in them as well.  And that being present with myself, and accepting Jesus' presence brings deep peace, even amidst the pain.  And since my heart cries out for that peace, I will choose to be present with myself, even when it hurts.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 179

Today's Daily 5:

1. a rather fascinating guest lecturer (he talked about the importance of empathy - particularly fascinating when you know his entire story, including the fact that he had a laryngectomy, and speaks using esophageal speech.)
2. getting some necessary on campus errands accomplished at lunch
3. half-way through the week now
4. the generosity of my parents in helping to temporarily cover off some financial issues that came up last week
5. curling up in bed early with plans for a really quiet, restful evening

Whimsical Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Today's Whimsical Wednesday is full of words that are speaking to my soul right now.  As always, I'd love to hear if one of these images or quotes jumps out at you or speaks to your heart.

Source: wildwendes.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: crittyjoy.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: lollipops-and-roses.blogspot.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: pearls-curlsandasoutherngirl.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: weheartit.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: flickr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: thingsweforget.blogspot.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 178

Today's Daily 5:

1. String cheese
2. a friend who made sure that a group meeting didn't wallow in unproductivity
3. still really loving turkey and cranberry sandwiches on Winnipeg Rye Bread
4. at least a partial solution to one of the big problems that popped up last week
5. the laughter that came with our first attempts to find heart rates and blood pressure readings.  We're pretty sure we were all "dead" at quite a number of points, thanks to our lack of skills in locating those important indicators of life.

Tuesday Anticipations, February 14, 2012

I stare at my calendar as I write these posts each week, and take a moment to reflect on the things that are coming.  Sometimes it is hard to find things to anticipate, and sometimes it's easier, but I've found taking a moment to pause and anticipate the coming joys and moments to be a discipline worth practicing, one that creates space in my heart.

And so, this week I am anticipating:

• Beginning to learn to take vital signs later today in class. There is something about finally donning my stethoscope that makes this nursing adventure all the more real, and worth celebrating and basking in.
• Hearing the stories of how my married and dating friends and family celebrate the feast of St. Valentine.  I love to hear the creative ways they find to let their partners know that they are deeply loved.  I may not be much for the "Hallmark" style holidays, but I think that anything that takes a moment or two to celebrate the deep love two people share, whether that celebration is simple or extravagant, is worth participating in.
• The Thursday night house church gathering that happens once a month or so where the only thing on our agenda is to eat together.  Sometimes we cook and have a potluck, but with two pregnant ladies in our midst, these days we show up and order pizza or chinese or something else entirely, and spend the evening laughing, talking, and sharing life together.  We have the gift of eating at our house church - it's one of the things we do best, and I love the chance to gather around a table with these friends.
• The fruit of a day spent quietly on Monday.  I embraced silence for much of the day - none of the usual background soundtrack - and the thoughts and prayers that surfaced were lovely.  They showed me places that Jesus is at work, and spilled over into writing ideas.  The fruit of that day will no doubt shape my week, and I look forward to it.
• A girls afternoon out  for tea, with my sister-in-law, mom and sister-in-law to be.  It was a Christmas present from my brother and his wife, this girl's afternoon together, and I am looking forward to spending the time with them.
• The arrival of reading break!  Next week is reading break!  No classes! Lots of time to move more slowly through my days, and catch up on some things that need doing.
• A zoo date with one of my best friends and her daughter.  Nothing like some of my favorite people, combined with one of my favorite places.

What are you anticipating this week?

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 177

Today's Daily 5:

1. cozy slippers, lined with sheepskin.  a gift from a dear friend, carried across an ocean at my request.
2. waking up to a quick email from the same dear friend, detailing the beginning of her experiences as a "mature student" - an experience we will laughingly commiserate about, though an ocean separates our physical experience of it.
3. a simple lunch of soup and crackers
4. an hour spent in conversation about Jesus with a new friend
5. embracing quiet for the day, recognizing that this was what my soul was longing for, and being able to meet that need
6. candles lit all around my space, providing warmth, ambience and light
7. texting with a collection of friends from school - questions about a quiz that comes early tomorrow, laughing, chatting about weekends, hoping for luck with registration and group assignments for the next semester
8. emerging into the outside world at dusk, and walking through a gentle snowfall to the the grocery store
9. listening to a new audiobook that immediately demanded my involvement in the life and words of the story-teller
10. finishing the school demands for the day and week ahead before dinner, knowing that would give me an evening to rest, and separating the day from the evening with my walk in the snow
11. Breaking the day's silence with the audiobook I already mentioned, and with the beginning of another trip through The West Wing on dvd.
12. Remembering just how much I appreciated the intelligent, sarcastic wit of the writers on The West Wing
13. Being thankful that when I cut my finger while washing out a container from lunch, it was a minor wound, easily staunched with a band-aid
14. recognizing moments of grace when the tendency to hear the accusations and feel overwhelmed grew strong
15. new thoughts emerging as I embraced silence today, whispers of Jesus speaking to parts of the journey that I am continually pondering, feeling words begin to form around those places in my heart

Rambling Thoughts

It's Monday morning and I've been awake for half an hour or so.

Usually I write these Monday posts at some point on the weekend, so they're all ready to go, long before I wake.

I was too tired last night to accomplish that.  It was the last thing on my list, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

So I'm writing now, propped on pillows, still semi-reclined in bed.

This is one of those Monday's when I don't have anything burning to say.  No story from the deep internal moments of my life.  No half rant, half exposition of my thoughts on something I've learned at school, and why I can't quite agree with it.  Today there's just my slightly sleepy ramblings.

I'm thinking about how much I appreciated the quiet of the weekend.  How much I enjoyed the silent spaces that I sat in, even when I filled those silent spaces with work.

I'm thinking about my body, and long-term health goals.  About the moments when I see little bits of progress towards those goals.  About the ways that I am working to change my thinking, to make these goals long term habits, and not about short term gain.

I'm thinking about the fact that life threw major bumps at me last week, all in twenty-four hours.  Major financial challenges, the emergency hospitalization of a couple people very close to me, all while I was battling illness.  I'm thinking that I'm proud of how I handled those 24 hours.  That I'm thankful for the friend who let me rant a bit in the midst of them, and the friends who hugged me and prayed with me at house church.  I'm thinking about how the way I would have weathered this a year ago would have been different, and how I see immense healing and growth in the way I handled it now.  And I'm proud of that, and thankful for it.  I'm thinking about how it reflects my word for last year "heal" and my word for this year "still" in that I see healing in my response, and I was able to hold onto that internal peace and stillness even amidst the tossing of life's waves.

I'm thinking that there is always something to think about, and that I'm thankful for a Monday ahead of me with very few scheduled commitments, and lots of space - even space from school work, since I accomplished most of the homework and reading for this week already, and don't have to devote more than an hour or two of today to it.

I'm thinking that slightly sleep thankfulness and exploring rambling thoughts feels like the perfect way to begin this day.  And so, I'm off to crawl out of bed and begin it in earnest!

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 176

Today's Daily 5:

1. Sleeping in
2. an email inbox at zero
3. baking muffins (love having time alone in the kitchen - tried a new low calorie banana chocolate chip recipe and they taste great)
4. a new USB hub for my laptop, that works great, and supports the peripherals I need when I'm working at home
5. a turkey and cranberry sandwich on rye
6. the combination of chocolate and hazelnut
7. the Starbucks cup with a straw that I bought a while back, and use for drinking water when I'm working at home
8. plowing through large chunks of the assigned readings for the coming week, and studying for a quiz that's happening on Tuesday
9. seeing a bit more progress in a goal to move towards greater health
10. being able to watch television shows for free online

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 175

Today's Daily 5:

1. sleeping in
2. fruit bread
3. a long hot bath
4. making a bit of progress on homework for next week
5. a turkey and havarti pannini with cranberry sauce

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 174

Today's Daily 5:

1. slightly better news about some challenging financial situations
2. a midterm that went quite smoothly
3. bus drivers who turn the heat on (especially after experiencing one who didn't again)
4. a room to do group work in that had the necessary technology AND windows with a view, rather than the usual claustrophobic, cement walled, windowless rooms
5. news that mom was released from the hospital
6. coming home to a quiet evening
7. encouraging texts from a couple of classmates, assuring me they're praying for some of the crazy that has shown up in my life the last 24 hours or so
8. chocolate
9. the smell and feel of freshly washed sheets
10. catching a bit of a concert my friend Karla was playing on a livestream online

Friday Reflections, February 10, 2012

Today's Friday Reflection comes from The Brave Girls Club, which sends out (almost) daily emails that are so encouraging.  When I opened this email this morning, I knew it would be the perfect thing to share with you here today:


Dear Extraordinary Girl,


Something wonderful that happens to us as we are paying more attention to our souls...and that might not seem like such a wonderful thing.....is the day that we get flat out, undeniably SICK AND TIRED of the way things are.


If you find yourself in this place, lovely friend, take heart and know that this is the catalyst for deep and meaningful change and for the resolve it will take to get from where you don't want to be to exactly where you want to be, and never go back.


There must come a day when ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, when all of the excuses finally lose their power. There must come a day when things are so far from the path that feels like yours that you will do anything to get on the right path. THIS is a very good day, a day that deserves a thankful heart and serious consideration, attention and some of your undivided time.


So if you are sick and tired of the way things are, this is the doorway to the way things are meant to be. We must step out of what we don't want to be able to step into what we do want. It is SO WORTH IT.


Keep going, beautiful girl. You are going to get there. You are going to be ok. Everything is going to work out and this will be worth every tear you cry, every mile you walk, every hurdle you overcome.


You are so very loved.
xoxo




A message from your friends at the Brave Girls Club - www.bravegirlsclub.com

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 173

Today's Daily 5:

1. a beautiful moon
2. the colors of sunrise
3. an extra hour of sleep (I forgot last night in my cold medicated haze that I could sleep later this morning, so when my alarm went off at the usual time, I had the distinct pleasure of rolling over, resetting it, and grabbing another full hour of sleep)
4. laughter with friends and finishing our house church study of Mark
5. a kiss and hug goodnight from my favorite little guy

Wine-Stained Hands

I've been thinking a lot this week about one of the most powerful encounters with Jesus that I've ever had.  I've shared in this space before about my story of healing (I share it every year on the anniversary, November 1st), and that is a pivotal moment.  But, there is one other pivotal moment.  One that I've carried inside my heart for quite a few years, choosing not to share it publicly, to protect it, and process it, and let it make itself truly at home within me.

This week I realized that I might not ever be fully at home with this experience.  That it is an experience that will probably shape me for the rest of my life.  And as I realized that, I discovered that I am ready to share it.

It feels risky, sharing this here.  I prefer to talk in generalities in this space about my life with Jesus - to talk in quiet tones about the ongoing dance that I do between the conservative church upbringing that shaped me, and the charismatic experiences that have defined the last ten years of my life or so.  It's easier to talk in generalities than to be specific about realities.  It's easier to talk in generalities that it is to risk judgement, confusion, or misunderstanding.  And yet, this week, as I reflect on that moment, and on things that have flowed from it in my life, I can't help but feel it demand to be expressed.  And so, I'm going to try.

It's no secret to those who know me even a little that I have an active dream life (waking, but particularly sleeping).  Dreams have been a part of my reality for as long as I can remember, from the earliest nightmares as a child, to the dark, earth-shattering dreams I experienced at the height of my battle with depression, to the dreams that are oddly close to reality.  When I first encountered the idea taught by charismatics that dreams are still a primary way that God speaks to his people, I was horrified.  At the time, in the throes of depression, I slept minimally, and what little sleep I had was marked by nightmares so vivid that I would wake and lay in the dark, wondering why my bed was shaking until it would hit me that the bed was shaking because of the trembling of my body due to residual fear and adrenaline.  With this as my primary experience of the dream world, I couldn't imagine why anyone would actually pray, asking God to cause them to dream!  (In fact, I remember  agreeing to pray that for one friend, since it was her specific desire, while at the same time only quasi-jokingly informing her that I thought this was an absolutely crazy request!)

And then, then God stepped in.  My moment of healing happened, and that night was marked by the first time in years where I managed six straight hours of sleep uninterrupted by either waking or nightmares.  I assumed that my years of dreaming were about to give way to years of peaceful sleep, free from dreams of any sort.

I assumed wrong.

By the fall of 2007, I was coming to a grudging acknowledgement (acceptance was still far away) that dreams, this time falling into four categories, were going to be a long-term part of my life.  I developed four categories, "god dreams," "bad pizza dreams," "processing dreams," and (for lack of a better descriptor) "demonic nightmares."  The vast majority of the dreams I was experiencing still fell into the latter three categories, and I was choosing to simply be thankful that the last category was rarer than it ever had been in my life.  I was definitely not asking Jesus for an increase of dreams of any sort, and I continued to be highly skeptical of those who celebrated their dreams as encounters with a living God.

And then, one night, that fall, in the midst of a season in which I was experiencing a myriad of new things in my walk with Jesus, I went to sleep.

You knew that was where this was going, right?  I mean, could it be going anywhere else?

I went to sleep, and dreamed the following:

I entered a room, set for a formal banquet with snowy white table linens, gorgeous china, and sparkling crystal.  People milled around, finding seats at the table, but I held back, shy - afraid even.  The only one in the room that I recognized was Jesus and I would have done anything to escape his notice.  Slowly it dawned on me that everyone was now seated, and the only seat left at the table was in the center, directly across from Jesus.  It was the opposite of the invisibility I craved.  But, knowing everyone was watching, and desperate to have their attention turn elsewhere, I quietly made my way to my seat, keeping my eyes down.  Once seated, I refused to look up, but again somehow knew that I was being watched.  This time, it was Jesus watching me.  He was clearly waiting for something, for a blessing of sorts, I thought.  Instinctively, still never looking up, I knew how to respond. I rested my elbows on the edge of the table, and tilted my wrists towards him, cupping my hands over the center of the table, and burying my face quietly against my wrists.  He took a carafe of red wine, and poured it over my hands, until it pooled and spilled over, contrasting against the sparking white linens.

And then I woke.

There's something else I should mention.  At that stage in my life I'd never tasted wine.  I feared alcohol, having seen it's affects on the lives of some I loved.  And knowing that my own personality tended to extremes, and to addiction, in fear I'd made a choice to abstain.  It was beyond odd that wine would be a defining characteristic in my dream.

When I woke, I felt baffled.  I was astounded to have encountered Jesus in a dream (something that has never happened before or since), but was confused by the sequence of events, by the wine.

As the day went on, I puzzled over the dream, wondering at it's meaning.  A few lines from a song recorded by Steve Bell stood out in my heart and played through my thoughts:

Come back to me

with all your heart

Don't let fear keep us apart...

long have I waited for

your coming home to me

and living deeply our new life

I puzzled over the connection of the song to what I had dreamed.  Years later I see the lyrics as a description of the invitation being offered to me as I settled into my place across from Jesus.

That same day, as was often the case, I was listening to a sermon as I walked home from the train.  On that particular day, I wasn't paying very close attention as I walked, thinking instead about the dream, and the events of the day.  It suddenly occurred to me that the pastor speaking (I think it was Rob Bell) was talking about wine!  Odd, and timely.  I started paying attention just in time to hear the pastor speak the following:  "Wine is about the shalom of God, the wholeness of God, the healing of God."

I tuned the sermon back out as I began talking to Jesus, my words spilling over each other in their haste.  "Did you pour your shalom over my hands last night?  Did you pour your wholeness and healing over me, until it overflowed?"

Years later, that is the question I'm still asking.  Months after the dream, while I was in Malta, I asked someone to pour wine over my hands in reality, needing to experience in waking what I had known in sleeping.  That moment in Malta was four years ago this week, and both the dream and that time in a Maltese field have continued to work on my heart.

A view of Maltese fields taken from the walls of Mdina

When I read this post about healing earlier this week, I found myself again pondering that dream that I've quietly held all these years, telling very few, and pondering the ways it has worked in my heart since then.  I found myself thinking again in new ways about what it means that one night, in a dream, Jesus invited me out of fear, and blessed me, pouring his shalom over my hands until they overflowed.  I still ask that question of Jesus, "what does it mean that you poured this out on me?"  And I still find different answers on a regular basis.  I find partial answers in the moments when my heart travels as I pray, and in the moments my hands begin to burn as I lay them on someone and ask for healing.  I keep walking, journeying, asking questions.  I study healing, and sometimes I despair, finding it hard to believe that it is something Jesus desires.  And yet, in those moments, I close my eyes and feel the wine in the dreaming, splashing onto my hands.  I picture the color of the wine staining my skin as it overflowed my hands in Malta, spilling onto the soft, dark dirt on which I stood.  And I am reminded that however it looks, this is a moment that changed and will continue to change me, and that Jesus is constantly pouring out his shalom, his healing, his wholeness on this earth, and simply asking me to be a vessel for that, to notice and point it out.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 172

Today's Daily 5:

1. a full moon
2. Vietnamese noodle bowl
3. knowing the fruit of being prepared
4. finishing early today, a blessing since I'm battling a cold and wanted nothing so much as to be in bed
5. a helpful group study time for an upcoming midterm

Whimsical Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Today's Whimsical Wednesday feels entirely random.  I scrolled through my most recent pins and picked the ones that immediately caught my eye to share with you today.  You'll have to let me know if any of them move you in the way they grabbed me.

Source: streetbutterfly.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: bookmania.me via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: someecards.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: lacedinweddings.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: kindawonderful.typepad.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: wickedgoodblog.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 171

Today's Daily 5:

1. a gorgeous view of the full moon early this morning
2. seeing my breath in the cold air, and remembering how fun it was to see it as a kid
3. finding a quiet spot to rest and study with a friend over lunch break
4. tylenol cold and sinus and advil cold and sinus (please don't tell anyone I'm mixing OTC meds!)
5. dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in ages

Tuesday Anticipations, February 7, 2012

This week I'm anticipating:

• sharing a meal with an old friend
• the chance to write about some things that have moved me or are challenging me
• quiet mornings on the bus, completing some lectio divinas, and carving out a space to meet with Jesus
• Being a week closer to reading break
• finishing the book study of Mark that our house church has been working through for months
• hugs from a few good friends
• A spiritual direction session
• finishing school a bit earlier than usual on Friday

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 170

Today's Daily 5:

1. A much needed third day in a row of sleeping in
2. Oatmeal (apple and cinnamon) for breakfast
3. watching last night's second season debut episode of The Voice
4. iMessage and the free and easy texting it provides
5. a really productive day
6. writing out parts of my heart for the first time
7. encouraging blog comments
8. listening to my body
9. a mid-afternoon walk
10. just a bit of chocolate to end the night

Feminism, Nursing Classes, and Jesus

I've found myself thinking a lot about feminism over the last week or so.  I suppose it's a bit of an inevitable topic when you're enrolled in a program that has a student body that is something like 90% female.  Particularly when you have to sit through lectures that emphasize that the most important part of nursing is not the care we give to our patients, but the specific scientific education and skills that we bring to the table.

Can I whisper a secret to you?

I don't identify myself as a feminist.

Whew.  I'm glad I got that off my chest.  Are you still with me? Still breathing?  Not going to attack me?

Early in the days of my first university degree, I shared that secret with a classmate as we rode the bus together.  She attacked me.  "Well then why are you in university?"

"Excuse me?"

"You wouldn't be able to get a higher education if it wasn't for feminism!"

Sigh.

As someone who is currently embarking on the journey to a second university degree and a professional designation, let me say that I'm thankful for those who blazed the way for me to participate in educational opportunities.  As someone who is headed into a profession that has been predominantly the field of women for the last couple of centuries, I'm grateful for the women who paved the way and established themselves as respected leaders in the field.

But I still don't identify as a feminist.

I texted a friend during a particularly feminist in slant class last week, and commented, "I'm all for equality of men and women, but I sure don't subscribe to the view that women are better, and I don't think that women should rule the world."

We laughed, since she is trained in a female dominated profession, but currently working in a male dominated profession, and just that morning had completed a task that she would have been more than happy to pass off to a man.

Can I tell you another secret?

I think men and women are different, and that there are things that women generally do better than men, and things that men generally do better than women.

I'm not actually all that into traditional gender roles. And I'm not really going to talk about them in this post.

What I actually wanted to talk about is the fact that I feel like a failure, sometimes, as a woman, by not identifying with feminism.  By not picking the female candidate for a job or in an election, just because she's a woman.  For believing that things like jobs and elections need to be about skills, giftings, education and qualifications, and not about gender.

The class that stirred this quagmire within me carried on, and the professor mentioned several times that the thing responsible for this incredible subjugation of women is "European Christianity".

Sigh.

My already tumultuous insides began to ache in earnest.  As a historian, I can tell you that this is an unbalanced opinion.  That yes, at times Christianity has been responsible for the subjugation of women, but that it has also empowered women throughout history in incredible ways.  And more than that, the Jesus I've fallen more and more in love with over the last couple years, well, he loved and empowered women.

I found myself thinking again of a poem titled "The Woman's Creed" written in 1978 by Rachel Conrad Wahlberg that I've shared here before.  As I pondered feminism, nursing classes and Jesus this week, I felt it worth reposting Walhberg's poem, because it so beautifully reflects the Jesus I've come to know, and his heart towards me as a woman.


I believe in God
who created woman and man in God's own image
who created the world
and gave both sexes
the care of the earth.

I believe in Jesus
child of God
chosen of God
born of the woman Mary
who listened to women and liked them
who stayed in their homes
who discussed the Kingdom with them
who was followed and financed
by women disciples.

I believe in Jesus
who discussed theology with a woman at a well
and first confided in her
his messiahship
who motivated her to go and tell
her great news to the city.

I believe in Jesus who received anointing
from a woman at Simon's house
who rebuked the men guests who scorned her
I believe in Jesus
who said this woman will be remembered
for what she did -
minister to Jesus.

I believe in Jesus
who acted boldly
to reject the blood taboo
of ancient societies
by healing the audacious woman who touched him.

I believe in Jesus who healed a woman
on the sabbath
and made her straight
because she was
a human being.

I believe in Jesus
who spoke of God
as a woman seeking the lost coin
as a woman who swept
seeking the lost.

I believe in Jesus
who thought of pregnancy and birth
with reverence
not as punishment - but
as wrenching event
a metaphor for transformation
born again
anguish-into-joy.

I believe in Jesus
who spoke of himself
as a mother hen
who would gather her chicks
under her wings.

I believe in Jesus who appeared
first to Mary Magdalene
who sent her with the bursting message
GO AND TELL...

I believe in the wholeness
of the Savior
in whom there is neither
Jew nor Greek
slave nor free
male nor female
for we are all one
in salvation.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
as she moves over the waters
of creation
and over the earth.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
as she yearns within us
to pray for those things
too deep for words.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
the woman spirit of God*
who like a hen
created us
and gave us birth
and covers us
with her wings.

*the Hebrew word for Spirit is feminine

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 169

Today's Daily 5:

1. A quiet Sunday
2. a restful sleep last night
3. playing on pinterest
4. a Harvey's burger and fries with dad
5. coming home, cleaning, and enjoying quiet space