Having Difficulties

I am having problems with blogger still. The only way for me to post is through a previously set up publishing add-on in my web browser (thanks Marty for showing it to me back in November).



I am basically locked out of my account, which does not make me happy!



I am pursuing solutions with blogger support, but it seems to be slow in happening.



So, what I'm saying is it may be a while before I can post anything really good.

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Testing

Trying to see if this is working... blast blogger and it's darned new version!

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Technical Difficulties.

Having a few problems with blogger and making the switch, so if I suddenly become silent, you'll know that I haven't disappeared, just can't access my account.

Two Things - Opposite and Concurrent

There are two major things developing in my life somewhat concurrently at the moment, and I feel as if I’m living between the two things, being pulled in opposing directions.

The first thing is a growing deep knowledge of my status as beloved daughter of God. I remember quite distinctly writing an email to a friend a number of years ago and asking her if she knew that God loved her – not knew in a head sort of way, but knew in a deep heart knowledge sort of way. I guess it would have been four or five years ago, in one of my first years of university. Back when the depression was just starting to set in and I was railing against it and God, full of questions that never seemed to have answers. Questions about the existence of God, about what his involvement was in the world, and was it really true that this seemingly all-powerful being could love me deeply, when no one on earth seemed to, and I could hardly even love myself.

I suppose that over the years, as the depression got deeper, I simply stopped asking. The question rose again when my depression was so suddenly and miraculously healed in November 2005. Suddenly I had to acknowledge that there must be something about me God liked, to intervene in my life in so powerful a way.

A year or so ago, I listened to Brennan Manning preach a sermon. Very little of what he said stuck with me, but I recall him mentioning that praying the simple prayer, “Abba, I belong to you” was perhaps the most powerful prayer he had ever prayed. Manning went on to encourage his audience to meditate on these words.

I don’t know when exactly it was, but sometime in the fall, when I was practicing a discipline of jotting down a few lines of prayer each night before I fell asleep, I started closing each night by jotting down that line.

What surprises me oh so greatly is what has happened in my heart over the course of several months of praying that prayer. I have come to actually believe it. To know deep within me that I am beloved of God. Kari spoke something of this sort over me at one point, and I have to confess to being somewhat skeptical and disappointed by the words – not believing that it was possible for anyone to understand this about themselves. And yet, in the last month or so, I have found such incredible peace, such joy, such rest in that truth that worms itself ever deeper into my heart.

The other thing that has developed is both a long-time thing, and a newly emerging thing. It is somewhat less easy to live with.

Since I agreed to become involved in youth ministry at Hope For Life, and particularly since I had the car accident on December 16th I’ve experienced a strong sense of spiritual attack.

Fear has been an issue in my life for as long as I can remember, but in the last month it has intensified greatly. I have felt manipulated by it, and constantly at war with it. Consequently, I have been physically and emotionally exhausted. Every time behind the wheel of a car is a challenge. Every time a less than savory person gets too close to me on public transit I cringe and begin to plan my route of escape – scream, run, hope that someone nearby will come to my rescue. I’ve questioned my ability to do simple tasks, questioned my self-worth, and questioned the leading of God as I’ve prepped myself for growing involvement with the youth.

I can readily identify the lies, but am having great difficulty combating them. I worry about stepping back into ministry in such a state. It was at this time last year that I was rapidly approaching burn-out from caring for two high needs young women with little or no support network and spiritual covering. I have wondered if I am stepping back into this sort of situation.

The fears have once again affected my sleeping patterns, adding physical exhaustion to the mix.

This is a new thing, to live between the knowledge of myself as beloved of God, and the heavy attack being leveled on my life by the enemy. I confess to being uncertain as to how to handle this. How to combat the fear, or if I should even bother. I wonder how these two things can coexist. How I can know the love and fatherly protection of God with such certainty, and yet feel so very vulnerable, attacked and exposed.

I guess I just keep walking?

Reading on the agenda

A full update tonight. I wrote it last night, but didn't have the time to put it up here.

Also on my agenda for tonight, a trip to the library to pick up the titles I've put on hold. Books by and about Frederick Buechner, Oscar Romero, Ernesto "Che" Guevara, Dorothy Day, Simone Weil, and others.

And, at least an hour of studying the book of Mark - Saturday is coming quickly, and I need to start developing cohesive thoughts and some idea of where I would like to begin studying with the girls.

One thing I do know. We're going to pray. As much as possible. About anything and everything. We're going to invite God to show up and teach us.

Out

(everytime I see the word out on it's own, I think of that line from Shakespeare - can't remember which play, Macbeth or Hamlet, I think, high school english is kind of blurry... anyway, the line I always think of is "out damn spot!")

With that rabbit trail aside, let me first tell you that you will hopefully get a properly developed, not written on the fly, reflection of what I'm currently thinking about later today.

But, in the meantime...

I had a conversation with my youngest brother last night. Turns out we are at the moment of the same sentiment regarding Calgary. We both desperately need some time away from the city. We have some of the same reasons, and some reasons personal to each of us, but we are in agreement, it has become an almost desperate longing to get away from Calgary for at least a few days. He's going to Edmonton this weekend for a school choir concert (but since he hates choir, that's not so much a break!) I on the other hand, have no immediate plans for escape, but am hoping something irresistible will come up sometime soon.

See you later today, I hope!

Pastor's Kid Evening (even when you're not a kid anymore!)

I’m doing errands tonight. My parents are involved in some sort of counseling situation that requires privacy, and since the church office is in our home, that’s also where this type of meeting takes place.

If I don’t go out for the evening, I’m basically stuck confined to my bedroom for as long as their meeting lasts.

I always hated this part of being a pastor’s kid as a teenager – having to give up freedom in my own house because of dad’s job.

I can’t say that I’m all that much more crazy about it now, but at least I have a driver’s license, and access to a car tonight. I can escape the in-home prison. I’m off to a local Christian bookstore to look for study guides on Mark, to a computer shop to buy an adapter that will allow my laptop to plug into the church’s data projector for the next youth event, to the library, to return books and pick up some others, and possibly to a coffee shop to do some writing if I still need to kill time after the first set of errands are accomplished.

Resources on the book of Mark?

(this should probably be titled "random thoughts" but I thought I'd use the title to highlight the most important question on my mind at the moment!)

I'm rather cranky just at the moment.

My favorite mood music playlist is running in itunes, but it's not helping yet.

I want to do something, anything, but I don't know what, and frankly, I'm not all that motivated to pick something and actually engage in doing it.

I'm wishing for friends to hang out with again.

I am wondering about this deep thing within me that I have felt shifting. I am learning what it means to know deep within what it is to be beloved of the king.

I am thinking about a conversation I had yesterday at lunch, about broken people within the church, and within missionary communities around the world. I was talking with an MK newly arrived from Thailand, and our shared stories, mine from Canada and hers from overseas touched the longing places in my heart, restirring dreams long planted by God.

I am postponing the beginning of prep for a bible study I start leading this coming Saturday. I feel rather inadequate, and as such unmotivated to really dig in and start studying the scripture I've chosen to work through with these girls.

On that note, does anyone have any really great resources on the book of Mark? We're going to work through the Gospel of Mark, and I have some resources to aid me in preparing, but if you can recommend something, let me know! (To be honest, I picked Mark because I've been camped there for quite a while now, and it's dual purpose research - for my own current writing project and for the Bible study!)

I'm hating living with my parents just presently. There is a seemingly constant clash of opinions, of worldviews. It's hard to be an adult in the home of your parents. I hate that in some ways, despite my own sense independence, my finances make me still dependent on them at times.

A Tense Moment

My brother Tim and I had a few tense moments this morning. You see, we were quite desperate to get tickets to an upcoming concert in town, and tried to get them in the pre-buy yesterday. The prebuy sold out in three minutes.

So, we were both ready on ticketmaster's website this morning. Him at work, and me at home, on our cell phones (we didn't want to end up with four tickets at 90 bucks a pop).

We thought we had them, we hung up. He was going to pay. He called right back. A problem with his ticketmaster account. He had a line on another pair, but it wouldn't let him buy them. So I managed to get some, and the last pair we had are probably the best pair. The seats are decent, far enough up the bowl that we'll be able to see the stage. But we had ten tense minutes wondering if our dreams would be dashed!

And the concert that we hung our hopes on? Rascal Flats. I know that some of you will consider it my one failing that I love country music, but I can't help it. I just do, and Rascal Flats is some of the best country music around. Plus, my brother loves them (if not necessarily country) even more than I do. So, my youngest brother and I are headed to a concert on February 22nd!

Unrestfully at Rest

I am in a bit of a strange place this morning. The best way I can describe it is the title I used for this post - unrestfully at rest.

There is a quietness in my soul today, that has been lacking the last several weeks. And yet, circumstances would seem to dictate that it should not exist. I received some painful news yesterday afternoon. I am soul weary, but at peace - a peace that I described in my journal this morning as all encompassing and yet strangely empty.

There is a lyric from a Chris Tomlin song that has been floating around my head since yesterday morning, and is resonating in deep places today. "I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing."

Abba, I belong to you. Show me where you're working today and how I can join you.

Wisdom from Henri

Came across this quote this morning, and could relate!

“I often wonder if my knowledge about God has not become my greatest stumbling block to my knowledge of God.”
— Henri Nouwen

Dream Issues

I’m having dream issues again. Not the “dreams about the future” type issues, but the “while you’re asleep at night” type dream issues. Specifically, I’m still wondering which dreams I need to pay attention to, and which ones are the result of bad pizza. And, in terms of the ones I need to pay attention to, how do I distinguish which ones are from God versus which ones are a form of spiritual attack?

Because I had a dream last night, and it could go either way. What makes it more confusing is, as I was praying before I went to sleep last night, I asked God a very specific question, and the dream could very easily answer that question. However, the dream was rather nightmarish, so it could also be an attack in an area of great vulnerability. Have I confused you all? I don’t really want to get into details on the blog. If you’re good at dreams, pop me an email and I’ll probably give you details.

Uggh. Have I mentioned how much I’m NOT into the whole dream thing most days?

A Mild Anti-depressant

I was listening to a speech on my ipod on my way to work yesterday, and the speaker was talking about a friend of his who is a trauma counseller. When this friend was training, she was told that one of the best things they could do for trauma victims was to have them make a list each day of the things they are grateful for. Apparently, they've done studies, and making a list of the things you're thankful for each day does the same thing physiologically as a mild dose of anti-depressant. Very cool.

Anyway, here's some of things that are making me smile today...

• purple and white argyle socks
• mellow music to accompany a snowy day spent doing domestic sorts of things
• the sense of accomplishment that comes from ticking things off my list of things to do
• a chance to go out and do errands. Have I mentioned that I love doing errands?
• a chance to sleep in, and then, after a quick trip to the bathroom, crawl right back into be and curl up with a good book for an hour and a bit.
• a comfy favorite hoody and jeans to wear (I do love casual clothes after dressing nicely for work all week)
• a general sense of tidiness and comfort in my bedroom.
• hot pink crocs - still making me happy every time I put them on.
• a fresh perspective brought on by a good night's sleep after a rather difficult day yesterday
• plans to do at least one creative thing today

It occurs to me that I am rather easy to please... why does it seem so difficult some days to be happy, when something so small as a trip to the post office, and argyle socks can make me smile? I need to work on being more regularly aware of things that I'm enjoying, instead of locking in on the things that are weighing heavily on my heart and mind.

Jesus, you make me smile. I'm grateful for the reminder to be grateful. Thanks for all the little things in my life.

Read This

Renee Altson recently posted a link to a beautiful article about church that she wrote for a magazine. You can find her post, and the link to the article here.



It really is something beautiful to imagine a church that embraces brokenness, and leaders who journey alongside, rather than from a position of power, a separation from the people whom they lead.

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Bless the darkness

Found this somewhere as I was surfing the web this morning. Really liked it and thought I'd pass it along.

Bless the darkness around you.
That’s why you’re a poet.
As the night presses inward
you radiate beams of light.

Voznesekií

Unsatisfied

I went to a concert last night at a local café. A band I know a little was playing – Jacob and Lily out of Winnipeg. My baby brother came with me, and we left, just as they were beginning their second set, because Tim and I both had to leave for work early this morning. (Who starts a concert on a Wednesday night at 9pm anyway? Doesn’t anyone I know have jobs with normal hours?)

I enjoyed it. I really did. Listening to Karla and Caleb play was great. Visiting with friends I hadn’t seen in a while was great, too. I even got a couple of hugs. I place a high premium on hugs these days.

But I came home entirely unsatisfied with my life. It wasn’t really something new, just something that’s been growing for a long time, and was underscored by friends who are living their dreams.

I don’t want to be in Calgary any more. I don’t want to be so tied to the realities of full-time work. I want to be in ministry, but don’t know how to go about it. I want to be some sort of monastic (though I think I’d be bad at it), or some sort of gypsy. I want to see the world, and meet Jesus in crazy places. I want to collect stories that make me laugh and stories that make me cry.

I fell asleep wondering how to communicate to my parents that their most conventional, most set in her ways child wants to find adventure in life. How to make my parents who are big on responsibility, on setting and meeting goals, that I just want to wander. That I have things (you could even call them goals) that I want to do with my life, but at present I’m more interested in the journey to those things, than in the ultimate achievement of them.

The thing is, I’m no musician, so I can’t make a living as a bohemian that way. I have absolutely no idea how to support this kind of lifestyle. And, here’s a confession. I’m awfully attached to the comforts of life. I could live simply, but I really like having things, having disposable income, having lots of clothes, lots of books, the ability to eat out regularly, hi-speed internet, and so on. I am increasingly convicted of a sort of selfishness, a me first mentality within myself that I am not happy with.

And the dreams?

Well, I fell asleep on the thought that I want to change the world. I want to hang out with broken women, and see healing and wholeness. I want to write. I want to be happy. I want to live somewhere with sunshine, where I can wear skirts the whole year round, without worrying that my legs will get frostbitten. Skirts are who I am. I’ve spent years denying the girlyness within me. I want to wear skirts. They suit my figure, they make me happy.

A Melancholy Happiness

I finished writing a long journal entry a few minutes ago, ranting and musing. Not one for public consumption, but just for me, working through all the questions and issues floating through my brain tonight. Basically, if I don’t take the time to do that every once in a while, I don’t sleep! I’ve found these last few months that it helps a great deal to take the time to write down the things that are weighing heavy on my mind, that it brings perspective, and sometimes even peace.

The days feel long lately. I haven’t been feeling that well physically, and I find myself dreaming constantly of being elsewhere. There continues to be something deeply unsatisfied within myself, a desire to see and experience the world, to meet God in crazy new places and ways, to have less sameness and more adventure.

I am feeling tentative as I plan and begin to really immerse myself into working with youth this month and next. This has been an area where I have felt such a strong sense of spiritual opposition, and so very little covering and support. I wonder if I am up for the challenge of working with teenagers again. I was immensely bad at even being a teenager, how the heck am I supposed to connect with them? And it is something that I sensed a rightness about when I agreed to become involved all those months ago.

I am wondering what comes next with my grandma. She is doing well, but remains in hospital. Her heartbeat continues to be irregular, despite attempts to medicate it into regularity. They have, as yet, failed to find the cause. She is waiting for an MRI, hopefully sometime this week, to provide the doctors with further information. Is it selfish to hope that this resolves, and she remains on this for a very long time to come? Is it selfish to not want to go through the process of grief right now, the long drawn out illness that my grandpa had with congestive heart failure, the watching him slowly weaken, the eventual death and all that that then entails?

I have been deeply lonely at intervals over the last while – not the sort of lonely where I never see people, because I do, but the lonely that comes from the lack of deep heart connect – the friends with whom you can be silent, or speak a thousand words. The ones who can look at your face and read your heart. Mine are all quite distant – my best friend in Pakistan, and others scattered around, and I find myself generally unwilling to begin yet again to develop those deeper sorts of relationships.

So, that’s the update. Sigur Ros is playing on my laptop, and I am well, though it may not sound it. There are deep things going on in my heart, and that always excites me, though it hurts like the dickens just presently.

One of those days

I think it's going to be one of those days.

You know, the kind where you wake up and can't get warm, despite several layers of clothing. Where you open a carton of juice and it squirts everywhere on your desk. Where being a female is just right on up there with death. Where your body aches, and your brain feels fuzzy, and you just generally wish for the day to end.

Yep. It's gonna be one of those days. And a Monday to boot!

Am I Depressed?

There have been lots of moments lately where I’ve had to pause and evaluate the state of my emotions. I’ve stopped a lot to ask myself the question, “Am I depressed?” If you’ve known me long, you know that this is a loaded question. You see, for nearly five years of my life I suffered from severe depression, though I worked to conceal it from most people. Then, just over a year ago, I had an intense encounter with the healing love of Jesus. I haven’t been depressed since.

But, it has been a year of loaded emotions, with some very high highs, and some very low lows. These last few months have been quite low. The last month in particular.

So, I’ve found myself stopping to ask, “Am I depressed?”

The answer, right now, is no.

The thing is, there’s been lots of hard things in my life the last while, lots of changes, lots of new things, lots of stressors. And it is very easy for me to see only the negative things. I quite literally have to stop and remind myself to look for the beautiful things.

So, here’s a list of some of the things that have made me smile lately:
• Neon pink crocs – maybe the most comfy (if incredibly ugly!) footwear I’ve ever had. A Christmas gift from my brothers.
• Two completed scrapbook pages in the last week. One titled “Me” and one titled “Twins?”
• Compliments on the Christmas cards I made this year.
• A laptop computer that lets me watch movies in bed, and write while curled up on the couch.
• Being in the midst of one favorite series of novels, while knowing that a second favorite series is sitting on my bedroom floor, just waiting for the first series to be finished.
• Passion tea every morning.
• A baby shower this afternoon.
• Hugs from lots of friends today.
• The chance to simply sit and chat with friends I haven’t seen in a while.
• An email from Megs telling me about Christmas in Pakistan, and all the babies they delivered on Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
• A candle lit on my dresser, flickering and adding atmosphere.
• Rewatching “Elizabethtown” while curled up in a favorite chair.

I think there are probably other things, but these are the ones that come to mind at the moment. I’m thankful for the things that are beautiful in life, amidst the things that are painful.

Things to say

I had so much to tell all of you. I was collecting the thoughts that were overflowing all day, and I was going to write a nice long post about a whole selection of things I've been thinking about lately.

But they all seem paled at the moment.

My heart aches a bit, and I am concerned.

My grandma was admitted to hospital tonight. She is suffering from an irregular heartbeat and fluid on the lungs, and they want to do tests to find out why. They're using the phrase "congestive heart failure." This is a scary phrase to me. It's what killed my grandpa when I was in the eleventh grade. We're waiting to see what comes next.

If you pray, please lift my grandma, and our family before Jesus these next days.

Maybe I'll be able to write all the other things tomorrow.

Quiet Day...

Today was the kind of quiet day I dearly love.

Slept in a bit. Did some baking. Did a lot of reading, relaxing. Did some cleaning and organizing. Exercised some creativity - made a really fun scrapbook page. Got an email from my best friend, and read another inspiring post on her blog about her Christmas in Pakistan (babies... lots of babies!).

Hung out with the extended family for a while tonight over a chili dinner at my grandma's.

And tomorrow I go back to work. Which is kind of an icky thought, really. It's been a bit tense there lately, and there's likely quite a pile of stuff on my desk waiting for me to return, which could make for a bit of an interesting day...

Things to "look forward" to this month...

• paying my first ever traffic ticket (a remnant from the accident)
• A visit to Marty and Kari for a weekend.
  
• scrapbooking - feeling inspired again lately. I may even go out and shoot some photos that aren't of people.
• Reconnecting with an MK that I've known for years who is moving to Calgary to work for six months or so.
• Sorting out finances for the future.
• Continuing the attempt at learning to drive standard.
• using my new laptop bag to pack up my computer and find cozy coffee shops to curl up in and hopefully get some writing done.
• Starting a bible study for the high school girls.
• Dreaming and planning the future (and more particularly the next year or so of my life!)