meh

So, the trip's off. Sketchy roads, only one driver. Neither one of us was completely comfortable with it, so we called it off. Gross. She's going to fly there and back a couple of times. These are the things you can do when you work for an airline - it's actually affordable!

And work is kind of sucking right now. We've got some people problems because of a messy situation in which a girl quit last week. A girl who was a friend, and widely liked and good at her job. So people are overworked, some problems we had before she left are magnified because she was filling a gap, and the job is generally frustration inducing.

Finances are tight, and I'm trying to figure out how to put money away for the future (car purchase, travel, internship) while still paying a student loan, rent, computer payment, etc.

And I'm lonely again. That's what really bites about calling off the trip. I was going to get to spend five days with a close friend. Now I'm going to spend possibly a couple hours with her. Gross.

I miss the soul connections with the people who are far away. I miss my best friend, and I'm even a little jealous of her - off having adventures in Pakistan while I'm here with work problems, and car problems and money problems and no friends in town.

I have to say, too, that I really hate New Year's. It is officially my least favorite holiday. I think I've spent it alone or with my parents every year for the last five. Usually while a wide variety of people I know and love are off having adventures and truly awesome good times.

Okay, with all that out of my system, I'm off to sit in a bathtub I think. See you tomorrow!

(p.s. at least I have a day off tomorrow - since I took it off for the trip I'm going to hang on to it.)

Last Minute

Anyone want to make a superfast road trip to Vancouver this weekend. Leaving Friday, probably back Tuesday, maybe Monday?

I'm helping Rae move out there, and we never found another driver, so I'm doing all the driving. But if any of you are up for a quick trip, give me a call or pop me an email. I'd love you forever!

In anticipation of a new year...

I feel things shifting in me again. In a way I really can’t even begin to describe or understand. What are you trying to say to me, Lord?

Is this is? Is this coming year the one for adventure, for transition, for new things? Is it the one we’ve been talking about for the last six months?

You keep drawing me lower, drawing my heart to places I never expected. You are breeding things in me that I don’t understand.

Last year at this time I was waiting with a friend for her mom to die. I asked you what to pray, and you said, pray “Hallelujah.” I was a month out of a five year span of depression, a month separated from wanting my life to end. I was waiting for a death, and watching a friend engage in self-destruction. And you said, “pray hallelujah.”

I didn’t even know what the word meant. I had to look it up. “Hallelujah – glory to God.” So many times over the course of this wild and crazy year I asked you again what to pray, and you just kept speaking that word – hallelujah.

You taught me to search for the hallelujah in the midst of darkness. You walked with me through my own trials, and the trials of those you called me to. And you kept speaking hallelujah.

Sometimes you added the word “Immanuel.” You said pray, “hallelujah, Immanuel.” Glory to God. God with us.

And now, we’re seven days from a new year. And things are shifting again. I’m being pulled lower, pulled deeper, pulled further in. And I don’t understand, and I can’t quite explain. You’re still whispering “hallelujah” in my ears, but it’s different. Something is changing. Something I can’t quite put my finger on.

I’m here, Lord. I’m waiting for Your voice, your direction. What will you speak this year? What will you lead me into?

A year ago my plan was to become settled. Today, there are things within me that rebel at the very idea of being settled. There is this awakening desire to see your kingdom in forms spread across the globe. To love on the broken – the desire grows ever deeper. To meet you during pilgrimages. To spend months dedicated to you – internships, or traveling. I want to meet you. To meet you in the homeless man in the parking lot like a couple weeks ago, to meet you in the eyes of a baby, to meet you in broken women, to meet you in youth kids at church, to meet you in dreams and visions, to meet you in places I’d never dreamed of finding myself.

My heart is set on the journey. You are drawing me deeper, but outward. You are broadening the spaces in my heart and soul.
And I’m waiting here for your voice, for your words, for your hands.

Next steps aren’t clear, but I know they’re coming.

And in the meantime, I’m going to keep searching for, to keep speaking, to keep attempting to live a hallelujah.

Circling My Brain

There are so many thoughts circling in my head right now that I don't think I even know where to start! Actually, I think I'm just going to let most of them sit and marinate for a while. I'm going to keep reading, keep writing, keep listening, until they stop being just thoughts and start being things I am breathing.

That said, here is a (by no means complete) list of some of the things informing my swirling thoughts these days:

• The Irresistible Revolution - Shane Claiborne
• A couple of sermons Claiborne gave that I downloaded (just google Shane Claiborne mp3)
• Rob Bell's "Calling All Peacemakers" sermon series (being preached over the last several weeks, and available in Itunes - Mars Hill Bible Church podcast)
• Mike Yaconelli's "Messy Spirituality"
• A couple of sermons by David Ruis that I found in itunes (Soul Survivor USA podcast)
• "This Beautiful Mess" and "Jesus in the Margins" by Rick Mckinley
• Gray's Anatomy and M*A*S*H*
• "Let me Tell You a Story" by Tony Campolo
• A whole variety of Scripture passages - central to shaping my thoughts, and too numerous to list.
• "Voices in the Night" - the prison poems of Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
• The conversation going on over at Kirk's blog.
  

Those are just some. There have also been conversations, things overheard, TV documentaries, websites and music.

In the coming month I am hoping to have conversations, written, in person or both with a whole bunch of people around this topic (including but not limited to Kirk and Darlene, Marty and Kari, James, Rachel...add your name here...).

I am being sucked deeper, and I wasn't expecting it. I've been hijacked by Jesus or something!

Off to cook dinner... see you later!

A couple quick things

I've been rather busy this week, thus no blogging since Monday. Perhaps a longer post tomorrow, as I'm officially off work for Christmas at noon.

In the meantime, you could check out my best friend Megan's blogs about her time in Nepal, and now in Pakistan, at her myspace site here.

Megs blows my mind, travelling half-way around the world by herself, to use her nursing skills in a hospital where she can't even speak the language of her patients. And yet, she does it. She travels, and loves on people, and it excites me that this is one of my best friends on the planet.

So, check it out for tonight, and I'll probably be back here tomorrow!

Wild Weekend

Quite a few things changed since Saturday morning when I wrote my post about it being a cozy day. It was, in some ways a very cosy day. I was happy, content, not lonely for the first time in a week.

The biggest change was that on Saturday night, on my way to the youth Christmas party I mentioned, I was in a car accident. I was fortunate. God showed many mercies - the other car was not badly damaged, no one was hurt beyond some stiff muscles, my parents weren't angry with me, the cop gave me a significantly smaller traffic ticket/fine than he could have. I probably wrote off the minivan I was driving.

Saturday night, as I slept (if you can call it sleeping) was a time of intense spiritual warfare. Not something completely out of normal for me, but not by any stretch something common. Again, God showed me his mercies, and gave me the strength to fight against the lies that were being spoken into me.

All in all, it could have been much worse. It was not, by any stretch a stellar weekend, but it could have been far worse. I'm grateful for the little mercies (and the big ones) of the weekend.

Cozy Day

Today is about doing cozy things.

Drinking herbal tea.

Baking lemon shortbread cookies.

Playing Christmas music.

Taking a long bath with a good book.

Making Christmas cards to mail to my friends.

Watching M*A*S*H* Season 11 that arrived in the mail yesterday.

Doing one or more of these things at a time.

Tonight is a Christmas party for the youth. I think we're taking them caroling at the homes of some people from the church.

But today is for cozy things.

Searching for Entertainment

I've spent a significant chunk of my day surfing the web for entertainment options for my company's spring regional meeting. Not the easiest task at the best of times, but my search has been significantly complicated by the audience we need to entertain.

You see, they're Mennonites. And not any one type. We have the ultra-conservative, still wear the special outfit Mennonites, and we have the very modern, they might have a nose-piercing mennonites. And we need to entertain them all. We'd like to make them laugh...

Turns out a great many of the people I would normally reccommend for this sort of thing - people I've enjoyed - would definitely NOT fit the demographic we're looking to entertain.

So, if you have any brilliant ideas for musicians or singers or speakers or dramatists or illusionists or comedians - basically something entertaining - that would fit a widely varied Mennonite audience, or if you, as members of my readership think you can do the job, drop me an email, or leave me a comment. We can use all the help we can get.

(And, by the way, I like my job, and the people I work for, and the people we serve - all Mennonites... they're just hard to figure out how to entertain!)

Mood Music

I think you can tell quite a bit about my mood and the kinds of things I’ve been thinking about lately if I just give you the most recent playlist I put on my ipod and have been listening to quite incessantly. (Remember, I’m less than musical, so you have to do some research and check out the lyrics to some of these songs if you want to really catch my mood!)

Small (Amanda Falk)
If it be Your Will (Jann Arden)
The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy) (Jars of Clay)
Deliver Me (David Crowder Band
Scratch (Kendall Payne)
Let Go (Frou Frou)
Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley)
Ups & Downs (Kendall Payne)
Hosea (Jacob and Lily)
Aslan (Kendall Payne)
Hurt (Johnny Cash)
Twenty Three (Kendall Payne)
Psalm 23 (Jason Upton)
Build a Tower (Jacob and Lily)
Hallelujah (K.D. Lang)
Pray (Kendall Payne)

Have you caught the mood? It’s also a fairly accurate reflection of the new music I’ve been listening to lately. And yes, I know that the same song appears on there twice, only performed by two different artists. That would be because I love the song, and I love both versions, and certain parts of that song quite nicely fit my mood of late, as well as highlighting themes in my life this last year. I realized as I was walking to work from the train this morning, that one song is missing - I'll have to add it tonight. Rescue Me (Rik Leaf).

Quick Rant

Okay, so I was just doing a bit of price comparison for one of the last Christmas gifts I have left to buy. I'm buying a book for someone, a Christian book, so I checked the local Christian bookstore, I checked a local Chapters store, and I checked Chapters online store.

The Christian bookstore was going to charge me $22.99.
Chapters was going to charge me $16.99 less 10%.
Chapters online is charging $12.26.

And I don't have to pay shipping, because I ordered a couple of other items I've been looking for, again, at reduced prices, and so the shipping is free. And the items should still easily be here in time for Christmas.

Why are Christian bookstores so much more costly? I think I'm going to do most of my bookshopping online from now on...

Light-headed thoughts

I'm extraordinarily light-headed today. I can't move quickly or I get dizzy. I try not to stand up too fast, or spin around to address someone. Not the most pleasant, but not completely debilitating

While on the c-train this morning I noticed something that confirmed the arrival of the winter season. Amid the usual cacophony of the c-train car rattling and shaking, the wind whistling by the less than airtight doors, dozens of conversations, ringing cell phones, music played too loud through headphones, there was an additional set of noises. There was coughing, sneezing, sniffling, and a woman nearby was making a sort of grunting noise every few seconds as she attempted to breathe around her cold symptoms. And as I stood there, attempting not to pass out, I reflected that winter has indeed arrived.

With that, I'm off to continue spending money on postage. Not my money, my office's money. A couple thousand dollars a day lately, as we work to send out people's renewals. Isn't that the gift you always wanted at Christmas - a bill for your home insurance?

Christmas shopping to complete tonight, and a plan to make some Christmas cards to be mailed out sometime this week to my friends spread out across the face of the planet.

Lonely...

I’m actually really lonely right now. I spent the evening out with youth kids and my youngest brother. It was fun – we saw a movie at the “cheap” theatre, and then went to someone’s house and made crepes with fruit and whipped cream and ice cream. A good way to spend an evening I suppose.

But it underscored some things for me.

One, it’s a harder transition than I thought to be involved as a youth leader again. Especially with kids I don’t really know, where I’m still feeling out personalities and the inter-group dynamics. It’s going to take me a while to hit the balance between “leader” and “friend.” Ideally, I’d like to be both to these girls, but we’ll have to see how things go.

Second, I really miss having people around that share a level of heart connect with me. I miss breakfast dates with Kari, and dinner and movies with Megs. I miss seeing people my own age at church on Sunday nights, people who are in the same, post-university stage of life as me. It’s a whole other ball game to hang out with sixteen and seventeen year olds again. At the risk of sounding really sorry for myself, it really sucks that everyone has left Calgary. Rae is the last one left, and I’m making a road trip to Vancouver at the end of the month to help her move. Then, I will be officially friendless in Calgary.

I miss having people that I can talk really openly with about spiritual things. I miss the friends and mentors that have been around at various points in the last few years.

And, I was doing okay the last couple weeks being in Calgary, but today was not a great day. I came home from work lonely, I went out with kids because it was better than staying at home and feeling sorry for myself, but I came home from that lonely too. This is one of those days that underscores how badly I want to be someplace else right now. How badly I want to live in community with people that I share heart connect and passions with. How badly I want to NOT be in Calgary, not still be in my parent’s home (which I start paying rent for on January 1st!) How slightly dislocated and unsure about what the next steps are I really am…

Yep… that’s my night. See you soon.

Quote for today

“The point of having an open mind, like having an open mouth, is to close it on something solid.”
— G. K. Chesterton

Me

I like this photo of me. I took it using the camera on my new computer. The only thing that would make me happier is if I was wearing my glasses in it. But I can't figure out how to take a picture without getting bad reflection in my glasses, and without popping the lenses out of my frames. So, for the moment, this is me!

If it be your will...

I was listening to Jann Arden tonight, as I sat at my computer to reflect on the CBC documentary I mentioned in my previous post a few minutes ago. As I listened, I was caught by the words of this song... It's an old Leonard Cohen song, but as I listened, I couldn't help but be caught by the intensity of the lyrics, particularly from after the first verse to the end. (Not that I don't love the first verse...) This prayer, this song, this prophetic cry grabbed my heart. I have spent so much of the last year learning about the beauty in brokenness, and I can 't help but cry out with the song, " If it be your will/That a voice be true/From this broken hill/I will sing to you/From this broken hill/All your praises they shall ring." I'm standing here Jesus, singing your praises in the midst of the brokenness, "let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell."


If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will

If it be your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to you
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring

If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell

If it be your will
to make us well
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light

In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will
If it be your will

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Kingdom Justice

I just saw this stat on CBC's "The Nature of Things" which was profiling Stephen Lewis.

The US spends $8 Billion a Month on Iraq.
It spent $8.3 Billion on Aids last year.

A challenging and painful thought coming on the heels of reading Shane Claiborne's book, and listening to a couple of messages by Claiborne that I downloaded from the internet.

I've got to be honest and tell you that when the US first went into Iraq, I was strongly in favor of the idea. To be honest, I wrestle still with the issues. Do I think it's probably a good thing that a dictator like Hussein has been removed? Yes. Do I still think that the American intervention is a completely good idea? No. Do I think the US should just drop everything and withdraw? I'm not sure.

And Saddam being sentenced to death... that's a conflicted thought for me too. Does part of me feel that this person who inflicted suffering on so many deserves to die? Yes. Does another part of me wonder if we are really valuing human life if we take another life as the price for those he killed? Yes.

My thinking has been changed this last while. I've been reading and talking, listening and thinking. I'm being ruined. I don't fit so well in some of the conservative circles my family and the church I grew up in inhabit. And yet they are also so much a part of me. I am asking questions about what justice looks like.

I watched this special on Stephen Lewis, and wanted to weep. I watched these beautiful African grandmothers weeping as they describe watching their children die from aids, and then describing what it is like to now be caring for their HIV positive grandchildren.

My heart broke and I was left asking - Jesus, who will care for these orphans, these widows, these broken human beings. I feel powerless and yet empowered. I live in a wealthy country. I have a bit of money to spare. I want to make a difference.

I am asking what the justice of God's kingdom looks like. I am looking to discuss, to debate, to understand this issue. I am being broken for the poor, for the women, for the orphans and widows and homeless, for the aliens. I am after God's heart, and I think my life is being forever changed.

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Inspired by My Baby Brother

My youngest brother challenges and inspires me to deeper things.

He's gone through a lot lately - had to give up music for a season (which is his passion and what he's studying in school) in order to physically heal from an injury to his wrist, and some other things. And through it all he's sought to find God, fought for peace and patience.

Then, the last couple of days he's gone through some personal and relational stuff. Nothing I can write details about, but he's been quite hurt by someone. If it were me, I'd probably hate the person, and encourage everyone I know to be equally hateful and mean. Instead, he's opted to ease out of the relationship for a season, but has asked my other brother and I to continue to build relationships, to care for and mentor this person who has hurt him so badly.

I was thinking about that on the train this morning. He asked me last night to continue to build relationship with this person, and I take the train with him on Tuesdays for the first half of our respective commutes. We chatted a bit about it and about some other things, and after I left him and continued on my way to work I was thinking about his response. We both care deeply about people, but when push comes to shove, my brother manages to model for me a far less judgemental and loving attitude in the face of tension than I have managed.

And so, today I've been challenged to be accepting in how I see and treat people that have hurt me. Do I write them off, or do I continue to wish the best for them, to want to see them continue to develop as people and as followers of Christ?

Backwards

Loving this song by Kendall Payne today... Particularly the chorus.

Backwards
You can’t go backwards you must go forward
You have not been what you could be
When you are the only one who enslaves you
Then you’re the only one who can set you free

Don’t run away, question the answers
Live your life like it’s on fire
You’re one mistake is to think that you’ve made one
Don’t run away

You can’t have mountains without the valleys
You can’t go high if you won’t go deep
You can’t do over what you’ve done already
Expecting something new to see
I will not be bought, will not be caged
Won’t stay behind my walls where it is safe
No I’m tired of trying to compensate for you
For you…

First Post from the New Computer

I'm sitting at my desk, typing on a wireless keyboard, and the words are quite magically appearing on my laptop screen, set on a stand so that the screen is at eye level, thus avoiding a crick in my neck from constantly looking down. The switch from PC to Mac went quite smoothly, and I haven't yet regretted my purchase!

To be honest with you, tonight I'm tired and a bit discouraged. Driving standard is not going well at all. I went out to do an errand tonight, and almost didn't make it home. I never stall when there's no traffic around and loads of time, only when I'm at important intersections and there are people waiting. I've become intimately aquainted with the hazard lights on my vehicle.

I had a great afternoon yesterday. Rachel came over, brought her pictures of China, and helped my decorate our Christmas tree. We decided that it looks very much like a showroom or store tree. At any rate, it's beautiful. I do love the Christmas season. It's a break in the middle of winter (which I hate) that is filled with lights and joy and anticipation, family and friends, and lots of communing over great food. We should have seasons like this more often throughout the year. Rae brought me a beautiful journal from China, and a pair of chopsticks (because she says that everyone should have chopsticks direct from China!) I'm going to miss her when she moves at the end of the month. When that happens, I will be officially without close confidante type friends in Calgary. Sad. But, on the upside, I may make a whirlwind roadtrip to Vancouver at the end of the month in a rental mini-van to help Rae move. So that will be fun!

Church was nice this morning. Very reflective. To be honest (sorry Eric!) I didn't hear much of the sermon, because I was inspired to write. So, I wrote a bit for my book. Have I mentioned that I'm writing a book? Should be easier to find inspiring places to write now that I have a laptop. I've been having a hard time with being in Calgary the last while. In fact, I know that I need to get out, but the timing hasn't worked thus far. It's been hard to write here (evidenced by the fact that more than half of what I've written for my book thus far has been written on weekend trips out of town!). But, at least with the laptop I can pack myself up and go curl up in a coffee shop somewhere and write for a couple of hours. Maybe a change in scenery will help!

And with that, I'm off to do some reading and probably crawl into bed. Monday morning comes early (especially since I'm still taking the train) and I want to feel like I at least made the attempt to rest before tackling work for a new week!

Quoting Claiborne

I'm still reading "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne. I'm continually amazed when I pick up books that clearly articulate some of the things that I've been thinking about, or the things that are challenging me internally.

Now, here's the deal, I am far too selfish a person to happily live the kind of lifestyle that Clairborne lives. I value my possessions a bit too highly perhaps. I don't want to be arrested. But, I am challenged by Clairborne's thoughts anyway. And, I want you to read a couple of paragraphs that I read while I was laying in the bathtub tonight. They so clearly articulate some of the things I've been wondering about church for the last year - some of the things that were a catalyst in the recent switch I made in church communities.

He writes:

"The gospel is good news for sick people and is disturbing for those who think they've got it all together. Some of us have been told our whole lives that we are wretched, but the gospel reminds us that we are beautiful. Others of us have been told our whole lives that we are beautiful, but the gospel reminds us that we are also wretched. The church is a place where we can stand up and say we are wretched, and everyone will nod and agree and remind us that we are also beautiful.

...Community can be built around a common self-righteousness or around a common brokenness. Both are magnetic. People are drawn toward folks who have it all together, or who look like they do. People are also drawn toward folks who know they don't have it all together and are not willing to fake it.

Christianity can be build around isolating ourselves from evildoers and sinners, creating a community of religious piety and moral purity. That's the Christianity I grew up with. Christianity can also be built around joining with the broken sinners and evildoers of our world crying out to God, groaning for grace. That's the Christianity I have fallen in love with."

Seriously, people, you need to check out this book. Even if, like me, you could never manage to ascribe to the kind of lifestyle that Clairborne and his friends live out on a daily basis, you need to have your thinking challenged in this manner. You need to be inspired to make little changes in your lifestyle, by the stories of beauty that result from the big and little changes Claiborne talks about.

I fell in love somewhere over the course of the last year with a Jesus whose grace is scandalous. A Jesus who gives beauty for ashes. A Jesus who seems more interested in the sinners than in the morally pure. And along the way I've been told that I was crazy (literally, someone told me I needed counselling), I've been confused because I couldn't find this Jesus in some of the communities I was a part of, and I've been overwhelmed by the places and things I've found myself walking into because of this crazy, scandalously gracious lover of mine. But it's been worth it! Even if my life has been ruined!

Christmas Shopping

I think I'm going to do some of my Christmas shopping either here or here this year.

Particularly for my parents and grandma. I'd rather give them something that makes a difference in the world, than scrounge to find things for people that are hard to shop for anyway! Plus, I know they'll appreciate it! So, here's to giving goats and cows and pigs this year!

Fun new toy

I bought a new computer last night. A laptop. A Mac. I'm very excited.

I am, however, not writing this post on my new computer. I'm at work, without the new computer.

I think my dad may be more excited about the purchase than I am. We are now "Mac" buddies as he made the switch to a Mac last week. He called me at work a few minutes ago, something he never does, to give me an idea about how to make my transition between computers go more smoothly!

Okay, with that said, I'm off. I may not be blogging much this weekend, I'm planning to be quite busy. Decorating our house for Christmas, my brother's choir concert, transitioning computers, laundry, reading, and practicing driving a standard.