Doing Lots of Nothing and Loving It

Nothing stuff. That's what I'm about today. Nothing that requires thought. Nothing that requires mega amounts of physical energy. And it's fantastic.

I flipped through magazines and watched the gold medal olympic curling match this morning. I read a quite funny post about curling on a blog somewhere yesterday but I've lost the blog or I'd link to it for you. It was written by someone who very obviously lived somewhere in the southern US. They were rather baffled by the curling phenomena. I thought about writing to tell them that the Brier is the biggest rated television event in Canada every year, above the Grey Cup and the Superbowl, but realized I'd have to explain not only what the Brier was, but also the Grey Cup and decided I didn't want to spend the time. Anyway, the post talked about being horrified but strangely fascinated by this sport where people throw large rocks down a strip of ice, yell enthusiastically, and sweep. In a complete ignorance of curling terms, she very amusingly decided to call the person throwing the rock a "stoner." Anyway - Canada won GOLD! YES! And really, I find curling quite relaxing to watch - no major stress, fairly easy to understand, and I can stretch out on my couch and fall asleep during the boring parts.

I'm cleaning at the moment. Well, not precisely at this moment, since I'm writing a blog post for your enjoyment, but cleaning nonetheless. When I'm finished my desk will be clear, my clothes will be in my closet, and there will be space to sit in my chair and curl up with a novel, or to sit at my desk and do a collage or scrapbooking project as I desire.

I think I might watch a movie this afternoon too. I rented "The Motorcycle Diaries" again. I loved that movie. Plus, Spanish is such a beautiful language, and the movie is full of fantastic scenery, so it should fit my "nothing" day quite nicely.

My mom just came in to remind me that I need to clean our bathroom before tomorrow night when company is coming. I'll add it to my list.

I'm also going to lay in the bathtub with a favorite novel and bubble bath.

I was supposed to go out to a movie with a friend this afternoon, but she called at nine this morning to tell me she got called into work. She works with severely handicapped people, and one of her clients got out of hand this morning and attacked another worker, sending the worker to the hospital. So they called my friend because she can control the client fairly well. Our plans for a matinee movie and an early dinner out got cancelled, and my nothing day was officially kicked off!

Maybe I'll call some friends tonight to see if they want to hang out, or maybe I'll be so busy doing "nothing" that I'll just keep right on with that!

No title to wrap it into a neat little bow

This is bound to be one of those slightly more random entries that I'm famous for.

I want to start with an anonymous quote I found on Cameron Conant's blog today. I thought it was particularly interesting: "Why do we hide our poor and kill our prophets?" This, I think, is a really good question, though I admit that it touches raw nerves in my mind - things opened and unresolved from a variety of conversations over the past weeks.

This has been an odd week thus far, filled with things that cannot be said in this public forum, because it will not protect those that I am caring for. I am learning about all kinds of unique crises, and have spent at least some time researching on the internet or reading psychology textbooks for insights into my next steps.

I am frustrated this week with how very little it seems to matter that I am pouring so much of my life and energy into some of these women. Two steps forward and seventeen steps back. And I wonder where precisely God sees this as useful, healthy or good. But he hasn't given me permission to step back. So I'm still here.

I'm wrestling with a sense of betrayal and deception this week, as things have come to light. Things that I was deliberately deceived about. I'm wondering where to draw the lines of friendship, because I desperately want to treat this woman as a friend, but am ever aware of the fact that she does not respond in kind - her response is grasping and laden with drama. I'm tired of the drama, but cannot allow this friend to slip from a category of friend to a category of "ministry." If our relationship becomes nothing but "ministry" then I will begin to resent the weight it places upon me, and I will begin to resent God for placing that weight on my shoulders. It is acceptable to pour the time and energy that I have given into a friendship, and for my own sanity I must continue to class this as friendship.

I'm leaving soon on a mission trip to Mexico with my church and YWAM here in the city - we leave in about a month. It will be the first "mission" trip that I've made. For those of you who have been reading here for a while, you know that I struggle with fears. The reality that I'm actually making this trip came home to roost yesterday, and I can feel the onslaught of fear attached to that. I particularly struggle with fear of the unfamiliar - my already disturbed sleeping patterns get far worse when I'm not in my own bed - I lose sleep even over spending the night at a good friend's home, or at a hotel for a vacation or retreat. I fear new situations with people, and meeting new people - and there will be a lot of both. I feel increasingly inadequate as a human being - like I have very little to offer. I'm nervous about travelling across the continent for 10 days or so with a group of people that I've mostly never met before (although I'm thankful that some very good friends are going). I'm also concerned that I will be able to afford the trip, as my hours have been cut at work for the next month. I guess I mention it because it very suddenly became real yesterday - I am actually doing this. The fear can get out of control quickly - anxiety attacks, particularly at night are not uncommon. I have fairly successfully fought this battle at times, but it has intensified of late as I've walked into a greater number of new and uncomfortable situations both personally and in the lives of the people I'm caring for. Pray for me as I battle these fears over the next while. They are not new, and I would love to see breakthrough in this area.

Last night was somewhat sleepless. But then, that hasn't been all that unusual lately.

And with all that said, I'm off to dress for work and head out. It will take longer to get there today because an awful lot of snow fell overnight.

school...

Found this on a random blog I stumbled across. I thought it was pretty true, if possibly somewhat overstated! For me, peopel keep asking how I'm liking the freedom of not being in school. The thing is, I love school. If I could be financially independent and be a student for the rest of my life, then that would be my ideal career. Especially if my grades didn't matter and I didn't have to worry too much about deadlines so I could just really enjoy myself and learn only the things that were particularly fascinating or useful.

Not Much Is New

I haven't posted in a few days again. It's because my life continues in a vein of very private wrestles. I've been writing, but not things that can ever appear here. Things that have dealt with the very personal struggles some friends are facing, and my response to those struggles. Things that have dealt with my own very personal wounds - wounds that are not yet in a place of healing or recovery that will allow them to be exposed to the broader world.

I've been quite sick again. I mean, really, it was mid October when I first got sick. And I've been ill pretty much constantly since then. This time it's a full blown cold that has settled in my throat and chest, leaving me coughing and hacking constantly. I'm drinking ridiculous amounts of water to keep my throat from drying out and making the coughing worse. It's just one of those things. Last night I had a fairly high fever, and chills and all the fun stuff that goes with it. No one ever told me how hard it is to be sick for months at a time. I'm getting pretty tired of it. I just want to feel good again - to be able to go out with friends and not have to think about whether I'm physically up to staying out late, to being outside for a prolonged time, that kind of thing.

Okay, now that I've had my whining moment, let me go on to say that there have been pocket of grace moments in this week. Moments when God's presence as I spoke and ministered was undeniable. And that makes everything worthwhile!

You MUST listen to this

I've been meaning to stick this up all week. You MUST listen to this radio broadcast. I'm telling everyone I know. I've mentioned Renee Altson before - her book Stumbling Toward Faith has played a profound role in my own spiritual journey over the last year or so. Anyway, Renee was interviewed on a radio program last weekend. The interview was fantastic, but the quality of the program surprised me as well.

So, go to this link. And choose to listen to the February 10/11 broadcast. You won't regret it.

Negligent at Updating

I know. I know. I haven't posted here in too long.

The trouble is, stuff has been happening in my life that has not been very motivating to write about. In some ways I'm still recovering emotionally from that week a couple of weeks ago. I'm also still recovering my physical health (although I am doing quite a lot better!)

The stuff that's been going on has been mean and ugly, and hard to define. I can name the emotion - anger - but not necessarily the reasons for the emotion, or the things I'm angry at. The result has been an incessantly grouchy (or worse - the "b" word!) mood. I went out last night in the kind of mood that would have easily let me snap someone's head off. Probably not the best mood to go to a small group church work project in! But, cleaning that awful Christmas closet was good for getting out my aggression, and one of my good friends sat patiently as I verbally processed my week and vented some of my emotions. And I did feel a little better afterwards.

There have been some good things. The smiles on a few people's faces at church Sunday night. The venting session last night. One friend is still sober. Another let us come up with a game plan to get her out of a potentially abusive and dangerous situation with the minimum of time and harm. I got a great haircut yesterday. I bought myself some good quality makeup a few weeks ago, and I'm really happy with the way I've looked lately. I've felt pretty. The laugh when I walked through the greeting card aisle at the drug store on Monday, and found a row of approximately 10 men and 1 woman frantically studying the valentines cards. (Most of the men were also clutching heart-shaped chocolate boxes as well!) The rush of patriotic emotion watching a Canadian speed skater realize she won a bronze medal at the Olympics this afternoon. I'm hanging out with another good friend on Friday morning. I have the weekend off work. One of my clients tomorrow night is a very close friend and her fiance. I found two really great sweaters for only $5 a piece, and two really great tops as well (for somewhat more money.) I'm trying to remember these things, because this has been one of those weeks where a negative funk seems to hover over me, despite attempts to combat it, and I'm tired and angry, and frustrated with a number of situations both professional and personal. God, help me to remember the smiles, and the things that made me smile.

But, as an example of how my week has gone, let me leave you with this:
I was in the drugstore on Monday, buying bus tickets before work. I was carrying a 1 litre waterbottle with me, to use during my shift. As I was leaving the cash desk, the water bottle slipped from my hands. Now, this is supposed to be an unbreakable water bottle. But, my unbreakable water bottle shattered all over the drugstore floor, dumping a litre of water in the high traffic area right in front of the cashier, on a busy day, delaying me, and embarrassing me to no end.

Quiet

These last days have been somewhat blissfully quiet. I've continued to recover. There have been very few crises of noteworthy scale. I've gone to work, come home, and slept. I've developed a need to eat peanut butter on a daily basis.

Today, the pattern will be similar. In an hour or so I'm off to work. After work, there are plans for a movie night at the home of some friends. Than home, bed, and work again tomorrow before church.

I've needed the quiet days. They've been necessary this week to allow me to heal physically and rest emotionally. I almost feel ready to begin facing the world again. But I have to admit, I'm glad our plans for tonight are of the movie variety - I don't think I'd be up to going out. I'm thankful for friends willing to cater to my low-key preferences once in a while!

Faith and Fight

You have to read this post on Kirk's blog. I've stolen his title.

I loved this post, because it seemed to describe in some way what has been happening in my life this last month. He quotes Brian McLaren as saying, "God has seemed to me at times like a coach who pushed me so hard during practice that I almost quit the sport entirely." This is what I've felt like!

At one point on the weekend, a friend was praying over me, and described to me a picture that he had for me. It was that of an athlete or someone in heavy training - so hard it was almost killing them. That's what life has looked like lately. And on the weekend, I really was about three seconds from walking away from it all. I had hit a level of exhaustion that made my body and soul simply refuse to keep moving on. But, I've been somewhat restored in the past days. And I am more convinced than ever of the calling God has laid on my life to serve. I have just recognized the need to serve in a way that will be obedient, but will not kill me. When I figure out how precisely to do that I'll let you know. Because I know God has reminded me to spend time receiving, but He has not loosened the burden of the calling He has laid on me. So it'll be a challenge to find that balance, but I'm committed to look for it, and to allow God to continue to mold and train me into whatever He desires.

Much has happened

A lot of stuff went on over the course of the past several days. Unfortunately, a lot of it will never see the light of the blog. Some of it was just for me, some of it just for my friend. Some of it doesn't bear repeating.

But let me say this. Over the course of the last week, and particularly over the course of the weekend I came to some very important realizations about myself. Things that I hope will allow me to continue to move forward in knowing God. Hopefully with a greater level of trust and a lower level of exhaustion and burnout.

It was not an easy weekend. It hasn't been an easy few days as I've sought to regain health and perspective. But there are some good things to share.

I saw God work in the life of a friend - in a relationship that I lacked the energy to truly invest in over the weekend - but God stepped in and I'm so excited to see where it goes. I deepened several relationships - with both close friends, and new friends. I'm incredibly grateful for the group of people surrounding me in this time. I nearly broke my nose on a waterslide while sliding double with a little girl. Our pastor's youngest daughter has a very hard head! I continue to sport a bruise across the bridge of my nose that not only makes me look somewhat questionable, but that also makes wearing my glasses a somewhat interesting challenge, but I sure had fun swimming with the girls until that moment. Someone blessed me with the gift of a one hour massage on Saturday - the relaxation was just what was needed in that moment. I watched God move in a powerful way among our church community. God revealed some necessary if painful things to me that will take time to process, but will be worth the effort. I watched our community come around my friend and pray and care for her following her mother's funeral on Sunday. I had friends who correctly read my exhaustion and illness on Sunday night and encouraged me to rest these last few days.

I can't put words properly around this time. I'm sorry. You've been so faithful in reading and praying. Please know that I am so very grateful for the prayer support. And that I continue to ask for your prayers as I seek to walk out the realizations God laid on my heart over the course of the weekend and as I continue to live out the calling God has laid on my life to care for and serve my hurting friends.

Shut Down

Thanks for praying for me over the weekend. It was understandly one of the most difficult weekends of my life.

I am home today because I've called in sick to work. I'm exhausted and ill. I'm sporting a lovely bruise across the bridge of my nose from a collision with a child's head while watersliding with her. My nose is rather swollen. I look somewhat odd. I am taking a few days to regain health, strength and perspective.

What I'm trying to say is that it was both significant and extremely challenging weekend, and I need a little more time than I thought I would to begin to write about this. It would be wrong for me to begin describing it now - in the moments when inaccurate emotions tempered by exhaustion are still very close to controlling me. For those of you who were praying - I'm grateful. For those of you who held me, hugged me, emailed me, and made your caring support known - I wouldn't have survived this without you - and you can probably expect an update somewhat sooner than it will appear on the blog.

Basically, this post is to tell you that it will be until late today, or even another day or two before I can begin to put words around the experiences and times of grieving, learning, and fun. Before the conversations and events begin to form themselves into something meaningful rather than the overwhelming swirl that they are at the present moment. But I will be back in a few days.

In the meantime, I covet your continued prayers as I seek restoration of my body and mind in these next days. I continue to beg you to uphold my friend in your prayers as she faces the one week anniversary of her mother's death tomorrow, as she settles back into the routines of life and work.

In Song

Okay, so I know I wasn't going to post until Sunday or Monday, but I had a few minutes this morning, and this was too good to leave.

I think God is speaking to me in single song lyrics. Does He do that? Because it seems kind of random. But I've been woken up before my alarm twice this week by single lines from songs, that seemed to set a theme for the day or answer a question I hadn't even given voice to.

On Tuesday, the day that my friend's mom died, I woke up with the line, "Thy Mercy my God is the theme of my song, the joy of my heart and the boast of tongue..." from a Caedmon's Call song playing through my mind. I needed to spend that day meditating on His mercy. It gave me something to cling to in the aftermath of the next few days.

This morning it was a single line from a Rita Springer song, who, by the way, I only discovered this week, because I was informed that I would not want to miss Tehillah Monday because she was playing. So I went, and I didn't want to miss it, and then a friend loaned me her CD and I've been loving it these last couple days. But anyway, I woke up with the single line, "It's gonna be worth it..." playing through my head this morning. And it seems to be the answer to the question I haven't even dared to voice thus far. The question that asks if it really is worth it to invest all this time into someone so broken? If visiting her today, which is sure to increase my level of stress and discomfort for the next couple of days is worth the effects on my own health and stability? And God seems to be saying, "Yes! It's going to be worth it!"

Okay then. Here's to God waking me up with the answers to unasked questions, and themes for my days. And here's to Him doing it in music, rather than in vague and somewhat disturbing dreams!

God, I stand here with open hands before you, longing to receive. Thank you for the answer. I needed that this morning! Pour your blessings and wisdom on the days before me. Use me as vessel of Your love and light. I am so amazed by the things you have done in my life. I am amazed to be woken by you. I love you. Abba, I belong to you.

The Plan

I actually slept last night. About 6 hours. Without too many nightmares. It was much needed sleep. I was far less foggy today.

I worked for about 6.5 hours today. It was boring, but I didn't need to engage my brain too heavily, and that worked well for my state of mind. After work I got to spend about an hour and a half drinking cider and walking around the resevoire with a very old and dear friend. It's been far too long since we've had unlimited time together, and today was no exception, but it was such fun to just hang out with her and catch up on each other's lives.

Tonight, I'm doing the things that need to be done so that I can leave town for three days tomorrow morning. My friend is picking me up at 11, and we're headed out to see our friend for a few hours, before swinging back through the city to pick up another friend and head to the mountains for our church retreat weekend. That's where I'll be for the next few days. I probably won't be blogging until Sunday night at the very earliest, because we will be going straight from the retreat to the funeral on Sunday afternoon.

I know I've said this, and that many of you are already praying, but I can't say it enough. We greatly covet your prayers as we seek to minister to our friend tomorrow afternoon. I greatly covet your continued prayers as I continue to walk out life with this friend in the days following the funeral. I could not be more greatful for, or more reliant on your prayers than I am at this moment, when I am so clearly at the end of my own strength. I have every confidence that God will give me the wisdom and grace necessary in the very moments I need it over these next days, but I continue to rely on your prayers for my health and strength and abilities.

With that said, I'm off to pack, and return a couple of phone calls. I'll see you all Sunday night, or early next week!

On Hold

I know I promised a well-written account of the things God has done in my life in this last while. But it seems to be on hold for the moment. Circumstances have once again intervened.

For the next while, I'm going to be busy educating myself on things like grief and post-traumatic stress. I'm going to be walking with a very broken young woman as she begins to face the loss of the mother she had only recently begun to rebuild a relationship with.

I find myself exhausted today. It has been emotionally trying. There weren't tears when she called me with the news last night, but there were definitely tears this morning. I got very little sleep last night, thanks to a few nightmares and a mind that just refused to quiet and rest. I'm once again battling the illness that has been recurrent since mid-October, and would greatly appreciate any prayers for my own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health in these next days. I am very aware of my own vulnerability as I step into what promises to be a greatly intensified series of struggles and crises with my friend.

My thoughts are far from telling my own story tonight. They are focused intensely on my role in the here and now. I was blessed to only have to work three hours instead of eight today. My boss took one look at me, listened to my story, and rearranged the schedule to allow me to leave at four this afternoon. I took some time when I got home to crash for a little while. It was very needed.

I've passed funeral details along to all the appropriate people, and now I'm going to lay in a bubble bath, with a Bible, a pen, a couple of emails of encouragement that arrived for me today, and a novel. I need to take the time to restore my own soul before I step into the challenges that are sure to come over the next few days and weeks.

I'll be away for the weekend, so blogging will be scarce for the next several days. My church is having a retreat weekend, and I'll be there. I'll also be visiting my friend on Friday, to spend some time caring for her, and give her a break from the tense family situation that she's facing in the wake of her mom's death. Another friend has agreed to drive out to see her with me, and he and I would greatly appreciate your prayers as we seek to care for her and love her for a few hours. The funeral is Sunday afternoon, and I'd love your prayers for that day as well.

Grief and Prayers

I received a call about a half an hour ago. My friend's mom passed away this evening, after battling cancer for much of the last few years. I feel helpless, an hour away from my friend (her mom was in a small rural hospital for these last few months.) I'm wishing I was with her so that I could wrap her in my arms and cry with her.

I would covet your prayers for her and her family in these next days. I would covet too your prayers for my own wisdom as I seek to support, love and uphold my friend through this time. The loss is huge, the timing is never right here on earth.