Things That Make Me Happy

The quote on my quote calendar from a few days ago says, "One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats." (Iris Murdoch). These are a few of the small treats I've had lately.

• A friend who is four days sober, and still determined to help herself.
• That I'm going to see a very good and old friend this week. That I get the chance to catch her up on all the crazy God things that have happened in my life in the last few months.
• The cozy smell of clothes fresh from the dryer.
• Good music on my stereo.
• The feeling of sitting in the sunbeam coming through my window and letting it warm and bake me.
• New friends.
• The chance to leave the city for a weekend coming up, hang out with good friends, and have some retreat time.
• Wool socks that keep my feet warm and don't make them itch - a huge shout out to Levi Strauss who made my fabulous socks.
• Books everywhere - all over my bedroom, my bed, my desk!
• A DVD version of "Blue Like Jazz Live"
• The fun of falling into a gentle dozing state while watching a favorite movie or television show on DVD while curled up underneath a pile of blankets.
• Waking up with the line "Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song..." playing through my head, and realizing how true it really is right now in my life!
• Challenging conversations with friends.
• A great sermon series on evangelism that you should really download from here. You want the sermons from August 21, August 28 and September 4, 2005.

And now, that I've made a list, I'm off to take advantage of at least a couple of these - right after I make myself some lunch!

The Story Must Be Told

I have had the gathering sense these last few weeks that the story of my last few months, of the things God has done must be told. Not in abstract references, and oblique comments, but in a manner that will hopefully communicate the depth of my wonder and awe and bewilderment at this place I have suddenly found myself inhabiting.

The thing is, I wasn't fully convinced that I needed to tell this story. I mostly thought it was just for me, for those few friends who have been integral parts of the journey these last years and months, and possibly for the few God has put in my path to minister to - the ones to whom my story might possibly be an encouragement. But, the sense that this must be told has grown - that it must be told broadly - that I must speak up and say "This is the thing that God has done for me." And yet, I wasn't quite convinced.

So, this morning, I was sitting curled up on a bench at the mall, because I was early for work, and I was reading a passage in the Psalms. I've decided recently to be more deliberate in my scripture reading, because I find myself needing the strengthening of that daily time with God as I enter the challenges that daily living is presenting. I decided to read Psalm 107, which God laid on my heart nearly a year ago as an encouragement, not only for me, but for the life of someone in my family who was in the midst of a difficult situation. At that time, I had read it in the Message, but last weekend I purchased a beautiful purse-sized copy of the Bible in the New Living Translation, so that is what I was reading in this morning.

And this is the verse I encountered:
"Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out! Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies." (Psalm 107:2 NLT)

I'm convinced. Watch for the story. It'll take me a while to pull it together. I need to tell it in person to a couple more important people in my life, and then I'll probably start writing. I want to do a good job in telling this story - a God honoring job. I want to take my time and work at it carefully, because God gave me this gift of writing, and sometimes I just use it in a slap-dash fashion. But this story is especially His, and it must be done right! (With all that said, I may devote my day off tomorrow to this pursuit, and you could find it here as early as tomorrow or Wednesday!)

I'll leave you with these words from Blue Like Jazz that caught me as I was re-flipping through the book the other day. Miller writes, " I know now, from experience, that the path to joy winds through this dark valley. I think every well-adjusted human being has dealt squarely with his or her own depravity. I realize this sounds very Christian, very fundamentalist and browbeating, but I want to tell you this part of what the Christians are saying is true. I think Jesus feels strongly about communicating the idea of our brokenness, and I think it is worth reflection." (pg. 23)

The Questions I Would Ask...

I don’t have a “mentor” figure in my life right now. At least not one in the same city as me – not one I can call up and ask if they’d like to have coffee. Not one where I can easily pick their brains. I’m blessed with fantastic friends, who are teaching me about the new things I have begun to walk into, but I find myself longing for someone a little further along the journey, someone who can answer questions, and give wisdom, and assure me that I haven’t gone insane!

If I had that mentor figure, these are the things I would ask right now (in no apparent order):

• Does this ever get easier? I mean, I’ve been consciously trying to pursue God’s calling on my life since November 1st. That’s just about 3 months now. Yes, I did it in fits and starts at various times over the years, but there’s something different this time, something I can’t quite put my finger on. And it’s difficult – I’ve lost sleep, I’ve changed plans dozens of times to respond to crises, I’ve been stretched beyond my limits and my wisdom more times than anyone could count, and I’m wondering if it get easier to hear God and follow that calling?
• How do I create boundaries in my relationship with the friend that God has called me to care for? How do you create boundaries in a relationship where it has taken months of around the clock availability for her to begin to believe that I care and won’t abandon her like so many others have? When the trust is that tenuous, how do I create space to protect my own heart and mind?
• How do I reconcile my very conservative church girl past with the charismatic experiences I’ve had over the past months – with the dreams, with seeing things, and hearing things? I didn’t even really believe these things existed a few months ago, and now they’re part of the reality of my life and story, and I just don’t quite know what to do with them. I don’t know how to take the person I always thought I was, and integrate her with the person I seem to be becoming.
• How do I know what is God, and what is me? How do I know when the words coming from my lips are his, or when it’s me? How do I know if that sense that I have something to speak – to add to a conversation is just my need to be noticed, or if it’s God prompting my heart.
• How do I handle the woundedness in my own life, while caring for others with far greater wounds? Because I’m hurting – and those wounds were a large part of what left me struggling with depression for the last several years. Where do I look for healing?
  How do I overcome the fear that has dogged my steps for so many years?
• Does it get easier to hear the voice of God?
• Can God use an introvert? Because the only charismatic people I seem to know are not introverts – they’re all outgoing, comfortable speaking and sharing what God has laid on their hearts.
• How do I know the specifics of what God is calling me to? Should I become a pastor, or a counsellor? How do I make that decision as I begin to check into options for further schooling?
• And last but not least… should I even bother looking for answers to some of these questions? Is my need to answer these things normal? Or should I just live with the mystery or some such “spiritual” description?

Integrating

I wrote a really great post this morning, about this topic, and then my computer betrayed me, and internet explorer had an error, and I lost it all. Nasty.

I woke up this morning with the realization that this has not been a good week for the integration of my spiritual life with the realities of day to day living. Some weeks that process seems to go quite smoothly - to flow naturally. This has not been one of those weeks. I've felt like I'm living in a million tiny spheres of life, and trying to protect each sphere from infringing on the others.

Lack of integration for me means avoidance. This week has been about avoidance. I wanted to avoid the anger at my friend's decision to endanger her life by getting in a car driven by a drunk driver. I wanted to avoid the grief of knowing a beautiful three year old named Rachel died of malaria unexpectedly. I wanted to avoid the fear of cutbacks surrounding my work situation. I wanted to avoid my own exhaustion and frustration with a number of situations in my personal life.

Because if I avoided the anger, then I didn't have to make a decision on the next step to take in caring for my friend. I didn't have to face the fact that I am living out the calling of God on my life, and it seems to make very little difference in the life of the person He has called me to care for. If I avoided the grief, then I didn't have to think about the thousands of children who die every day from starvation, lack of clean water and so on. I didn't have to think about how huge an issue it is, and how futile the tiny little steps I have taken seemed to be. If I avoided the fear, I didn't have to make decisions about my job. If I avoided the exhaustion and frustration I didn't have to admit how messy my life has become again.

And so, I have purposely avoided integrating the various aspects of life. And it has left me more tired and frustrated, not less. And I woke with the realization this morning that this strategy was not only not working, it was not true to the commitments I've made to set my life before God with open hands, to serve with open hands, to allow Him to work in whatever way He chooses.

I woke with the following lyric by Heather Clark running through my head, softly, like a breathy reminder of the presence of the God I have tried to avoid this week, and particularly the lines that I have made bold played over - an invitation to God, asking Him to bring restoration.

I have come to greet the King
I’ve come to give myself in total abandonment
I’ve come to lay down all that holds me back from You
I’ve come to lay down all that holds You back from me
So come in come in
King of Glory
Come in come in
We welcome You this day
Come in come in
King of Glory
Come in come in
We welcome You this day

Quick Thoughts

• I love the movie "School of Rock." It was exactly the kind of thing I needed to watch today.
• My hours are cut at work this week, so I'm hanging out with friends, and doing stuff that needs to be done around my house.
• Fruitopia's Raspberry Kiwi Karma is a fantastic beverage.
• I had fun walking all over downtown while shopping with a friend this afternoon.
• I'm going to do some errands (likely with the same friend) again tomorrow. (Library, bookstore, drugstore...)
• I'm out of comfy clean socks - which I guess means that laundry is on my list for tomorrow too!

The things I need to say...

It's been an interesting day. And I think my heart is being shattered by the infinite reality of what it means to love some of the people that God has called me to love. By the reality that a life can become so devalued that a decision like getting in a car with a drunk driver seems logical. By the reality that I have no control over her decisions. That all I can offer is a listening ear and a promise that my love for her will not change.

There was the phone call this morning that I wrote about in my last post. Then I was listening to the incredible story of the way God orchestrated circumstances and miracles in the ministry of a friend of our family who was a missionary to a tribe in Malawi. (I have this on CD - and you should all email me and ask me to mail you a copy - because it is truly incredible!) Then my dad informed me that a Ghanaian pastor friend of his lost his beautiful little three year old daughter to malaria last night. I am caught by the fragility of life, and the seemingly random circumstances of God's interventions. After the phone conversation, I got an email from that same friend, and it scared me all over again - the level of oppression and of fear of healing in her life astounds me. And I can't help but wonder why God did such incredible things for this man's ministry in Malawi, but this tiny little girl in Ghana was allowed to die. Why God so carefully orchestrated things for this man's ministry twenty years before he ever ended up in Malawi, before he was even a believer, but the orchestration of my friend's life allowed for the abuse, neglect, and evil, that are such challenges to overcome all these years later.

I wrote an email to my friend - one that I'm not sure yet that I'll send, but it has a lot of things in it that I need to say, somewhere, even if it's only here. It's one of those things that refused to not be written, and to not be shared, but that I am not sure should be shared with her yet. Maybe it's just for me and God, and for those of you who have been listening in on my conversations with God lately via this blog. I'm going to put it here, with a few changes to identifying details, in order to protect her privacy. The email she sent to me, that I was replying to, had a number of comments that disturbed me, including an intention to cut herself off from the world for a time - to avoid me in order to avoid having to pray through some issues (something I would and could never make her do.) It also included some discussion of her weekend plans - which may or may not be somewhat foolhardy.

Friend,
Getting an email like this from you scares me. Because it makes me wonder how honest you really were when you told me on the phone as we finished our conversation that you were fine. Because if you're not going to talk to me until next month sometime, you weren't fine.

You already know what I'm going to say about going out this weekend. Be smart about it please. For my sake, okay? You don't have to avoid (another friend) and I - neither one of us is going to force prayer or anything else on you. If you don't know that by now, I'm really sorry. Maybe we've been pushy in the past, who knows...

Here's the deal. I love you. I care about you as much as I care for myself. And I'd love to see you make some really wise and healthy choices. Call the counselor. Pray - by yourself or with us - I don't care. Don't endanger your life by getting into a vehicle with that man when he's had too much to drink. Don't party too hard in an effort to escape the reality of your life right now.

I want you to know how often you're on my mind and heart. I want you to know how many whispered prayers I've prayed on your behalf. I want you to know that I'm still going to be there, even if you make a really bad decision. I'll be there if you get hurt because he was drunk and you got in a car with him. Yes, I'll be angry that you were in that position. I'm angry now that he puts you in the position of making that choice. And I'm angry that you continue to choose to get in that vehicle. I'm angry that you've grown up in such a way that there is so little for you to value in your own life. I'm hurting because a beautiful little three-year-old African girl named Rachel that my family knows died of malaria last night, and it wasn't preventable. But your choice to take your life into your hands by getting in his car is preventable. And it makes me angry that there is so little that says that you must value your life. Because life is the greatest gift ever, and yours is infinitely valuable. My anger doesn't change the fact that I love and care about you - in fact, it's because I love and care about you.

So, yes, I'll be there even in the consequences of the bad decisions. But, here's the deal. I'm not going anywhere, but neither will my conscience allow me to be silent when you make those decisions. I have to speak the truth that rests in my mind and heart. And I am painfully aware of how fragile your trust in me is, and every time I open my mouth to speak truth to you, I do it with the awareness that what I'm going to say could very easily damage the trust I've worked for you to build in me. And yet, my heart will not allow me to stay quiet. Because it hurts me when I watch you hurt yourself in these ways.

I think that's it. I mostly wanted to say again that I care. A lot. That I'm not going anywhere. That I'm sorry if I've hurt you, but not sorry that I've challenged you on some things. That I'm praying for you and everyone else affected by this time. But especially for you. That my heart is crying for you, that I wish there was something really practical and tangible I could do, instead of just watching your pain. That I wish I could have given you a real hug this morning instead of a "phone hug." That I love you, and Jesus does too, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Lisa

Grrrr...

I spent the last 28 minutes talking very loudly into my phone. With a lot of vehemence, annoyance, and frustration.

You see, someone I know is consistently making a very dumb decision - choosing to get in a vehicle with a drunk driver. This person has lost friends to drunk driving, and yet continually chooses to get in a vehicle driven by someone consistently drunk. Furthermore, the person is defending the decision that she recognizes as stupid. And it makes me crazy.

Because I've been walking with her through life for quite a while now, and there is a complete lack of logical intelligence to this though pattern. The idea that this is the only dumb decision that's been made in the last three weeks just isn't cutting it. Yes, there are all kinds of other issues tied up in the situation, but none of them seem to be important enough for my friend to consistently risk her life in this manner. And no matter what I say, that isn't getting through.

And I am beyond my ability. At least she doesn't mind when I get really loud and blunt. Because that's how I was today. She likes that part of me - which I think is crazy - I'm not even sure I always like that "how can you be so blind" mentality that occasionally erupts from me. In some weird way, it amused this friend, and it often cuts through the issue and gets truth through to her. It didn't today. Apparantly we have to agree to disagree. What is that anyway - why should I agree to disagree with her, and thereby allow her to continue doing something stupid? Maybe that's what really ticks me off - that I didn't get through - that sometime in the next three days, she will be in a vehicle driven by a drunk driver. And I'm scared.

Jesus, protect her. Put your guards around her life and body. Can you do that even when she's knowingly endangering herself? Would you do that? Please? And could you continue to give me wisdom to handle this friendship? Teach me what to speak as I walk through this difficult time in her life. I am Yours - my hands are open and I desire to be used by you.

Riding in Cars...

Yes, it was a Drew Barrymore movie. Yes I stole at least part of the movie's title. But hey, it got your attention didn't it?

Titling is the worst part of writing for me. I can never come up with very creative titles. I usually titled my school papers along the lines of "A Review of...." or so on, because it was easier than trying to come up with a creative way to sum up my thesis in ten words or less. I think if I was an artist, all my works would be called things like "Untitled 1," "Untitled 2," "Man with Dog" and so on... But you can't really do that as a writer - your title is your hook - the line that draws the reader in and compells them to see what you have to say. And I mostly suck at titles... oh well... will you bear with me anyway?

So, anyway, back to what I actually wanted to talk about... Riding in cars. I have decided that God speaks to me most clearly when I in a vehicle. No. Seriously. I can name pretty much all of the significant God moments in the last several years of my life, and probably 90% of them have occurred while sitting in a vehicle. There's something about sitting (particularly in the dark) without having to make eye contact if you don't want, that lets you really share your life and thoughts. It's way easier to be vulnerable in that place. (Although I have had some significant God moments when I was alone in a vehicle as well....)

I sat in a car until 3:30 this morning, catching up on life with a friend, sharing and ultimately praying together. And it was fabulous. Worth every second. Yes, I regretted it a tiny little bit when I dragged myself to work this morning after four and a half hours of sleep, but more in the "my brain is not fully functional for my job" way than in the "that was a waste of my time what was I thinking way." Because I don't regret it. Because God was there again - as we shared the stuff that had happened in our lives in the month or so since we had last been together.

I actually have a bit of a reputation with my friends for car chats. (although chat might be too facetious a word!) I've heard them tell other people that if they need to have a serious conversation, they should have one of my "famous" car chats with me. I don't know. Maybe it's just the "counsellor" nature in me! Someone affirmed this week that I would actually be good at this counselling thing as a career. It was so encouraging to hear someone say that. Especially since I know that God is calling me to serve him in this sort of manner.

Whew! riding in cars... if you ever want to come with me and have a "car chat" let me know... I'd love it - particularly if you drive... but if I drive, I'll take you to my favorite thinking spot - where we can watch the lights of the city sparkle, watch planes land at the airport, talk, and speculate about the slightly "fogged" windows in some of the other cars. I promise to leave if our windows start to fog!

When you still don't have much to say...

use a bullet point list!

• My new copy of Matthew Paul Turner's The Christian Culture Survival Guide arrived yesterday. I loaned my original copy to someone, and then they disappeared, and I never got it back. So I ordered a new one. I love this book. If you have not read it, you must. I mean, you really should. Particularly if you've ever wondered if anyone else around you found this Christian thing just a little bit odd. Plus, it has lots of lists. Lists like, "Tell-tale signs you're about to encounter an 'old-fashioned' meeting with the altar," "Fifteen kinds of church people to look out for," "Eight ways to know if you might be worshipping your pastor," "Seven church cliches that need to go - NOW," "Five phrases highly offensive to many Christians," and my two personal favorites, "Seven Types of Guys (for girls to choose from) in Church Culture," and "Eight Types of Girls (for guys to choose from) in Church Culture." Plus, the book is not just all sarcastic amusement - it actually is encouraging. I know, because I've read it several times, and because, it happened to appear at our church Christmas party - where several friends who had also read it agreed with me, and where one of our pastors took great delight in reading a number of the above lists to whoever would sit on the couches where we were hanging out and listen to him. YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK!!!
• I'm almost financially stable again. For a few months anyway, until my student loans come due. It's amazing what three weeks of fulltime work will do.
• I have to go to the bottle depot for my mom today. I hate the bottle depot. It smells bad, and the people there are kind of scary, in that stereotypical way that makes you feel guilty for being slightly creeped out by them.
• I'm frustrated with one of my coworkers right now. She's scheduling me poorly, being less than flexible, and is entirely caught up in her own importance. I was handling a big order for some customers last night, was doing quite well on my own, and she inserted herself into the process. Irritating. Plus, she cut my hours for today, so I had no choice but to allow her to take care of a major portion of the prep work that I need to do before the customers come in to finalize their order with me this afternoon. And then she snaps at all of us because she has so much to do, and we don't really have anything to do because she took it all from us. ARGHH!
• Okay, well, now that I've vented a little, I'm off to the bottle depot, possibly to do some other errands, and then to work. Here's to hoping my friends come through and we're hanging out tonight or tomorrow night! I need a break from my house, a break from my family, a break from thinking about work, a break from crises, and a chance to just chill with my favorite people in the world!

What I've Been Up To

I noticed today as I was scanning some of the previous posts on my blog that I've been somewhat cryptic and circumspect over the last while.

A lot of that has had to do with the situations I've been dealing with. In order to protect the privacy of my friend, I've been unable to discuss the difficult things we've faced.

I also already mentioned that the situations in my friend's life, and the situations in my own life have driven me into an introspective, meditative, musing, muddled sort of state over the course of the month, that has not facilitated clear un-muddled writing.

With that said, here, in all its bullet-point glory is some of what I've been up to:

• I've done a LOT of reading. Nine or so books in fact. Not counting the two or three I'm currently reading. From the list, which is laying beside my computer on my desk, I recommend: Through the Narrow Gate by Karen Armstrong - a spiritual memoir about a woman who joins a catholic order, and eventually leaves, several years later. Messy Spirituality by Mike Yaconelli - I can't say enough good things about a book with the subtitle "God's Annoying Love for Imperfect People". Velma Still Cooks in Leeway by Vinita Hampton Wright - a beautiful, artistic, and deeply spiritual novel, without being trite or sappy.
• I've handled a lot of crises. Enough said.
• I've wrestled with family issues. Things with my parents. Areas of deep woundedness related to my family and upbringing.
• I've done a lot of desperate praying. I'm getting really good at the "help" type of prayers - for my own life and for others too.
• I'm learning to pray other things too. The single words like "hallelujah" and "immanuel" that I've mentioned here before. Brennan Manning's prayer, "Abba, I am Yours."
• I'm learning to listen a little more patiently for God. I'm still not hearing much, but I'm learning to pause and actually listen, not just fill every silence with words.
• I'm discovering a need to share my story. I have been blessed in the last few weeks a number of times by people who drew parts of the story of these crazy last months from me.

I think that's all I have to say for now. This is not everything. In fact, it's not even a snapshot in some ways. But I'm still feeling pretty introspective, I'm in the middle of a tense spot in a fairly enjoyable novel, I'm very tired, and I think I may heat up my "magic bag" and crawl into my cozy nook of a bed, and read, or journal, or possibly just sleep!

Cryptic Relief

I got some fantastic news in a two minute phone call tonight. An impending disaster, consequences of a crisis, has been averted, and I'm relieved.

I have spent much of this past week mentally preparing myself to face the expected circumstances, and I am so relieved that I will not have to do so. That it will not be required of the person in crisis to face this too.

Praise God for the little (or very big depending on your perspective) favors!

Introspection

In the last several weeks, I have become increasingly introspective. I have spent hours and hours alone - reading, writing, sitting at my computer, listening to books on CD, watching movies. And it's mostly been a good thing.

I have been lost in the challenges I am currently facing. Treading water and trying to stay afloat in the midst of things that threaten to overwhelm me most days. Sitting silently, mostly unwilling to share my own struggles. Needing time to come to grips with these things before I share them with others and ask for their support as I walk.

My friends have been busy, and the ones that tend to be our social conveners have been out of town since the end of December, so it has been easy to semi-isolate myself in this time.

I didn't realize how isolated I had become, until Sunday night. I already mentioned in my previous post that I had two fantastic and encouraging conversations. What didn't hit me until this morning was that the reason they were so encouraging was that my soul had been longing for the connection. That it is time to begin emerging from this self-created isolation.

This is not going to be easy. I still feel lost in my own thoughts. I don't want to be a grasping and needy person like some I know - the kind of person with whom you dread having a conversation because you feel their tentacles of need reaching out whenever you're in proximity, and then I cringe, because I know that I have nothing more of myself to pour out. I don't want people to feel like that with me.

I have learned this month to talk with Jesus even more regularly. I still don't hear Him all that well, but I am learning to rest in Him, I think. To hand Him those moments of crisis in my friend's life, to hand Him the pain in my own life.

But now, I am ready once again to be with friends. To have a social life. To participate in fun activities that won't require my every thought to be focused on the things that I am facing.

I am caught by the words from David Crowder Band that I quoted in a post a few months ago:

Come awake, from sleep arise
You were dead, become alive
Wake up, wake up, open your eyes
Climb from your grave into the light.
Bring us back to life.

Heart Connect

I was caught by this post that Kirk made. I've never met Kirk, although we are part of the same church community, but I've been greatly challenged and encouraged by him and his blog this last while. This post, particularly caught me when I read it this afternoon, and again as I reread it tonight.

My heart has been taking blind leaps the last while, and sometimes it takes quite a while for the rest of my to catch up. It was my heart (and God's voice in it) that led me to this place of caring for a friend in crisis. It is my heart that is being affected by the wounds in my life, and the healing that God is bringing slowly.

And my tendency has always been to use my mind. But it hasn't been much use the last while, other than in the practical details of situations. It's left me extremely off balance - but in a good way I think.

And it is in the heart that connection with God and others occurs.

I have to laugh. I've been struggling with my church lately. That's nothing new - I wrote about it the other day. So I went tonight, not expecting much, and God blessed me exceedingly. I had two different truly fantastic conversations, where I was able to share a number of the things that God has done in the past months, the challenges of the moment in both my life and my friends' lives, and I was encouraged by both of these women. I don't know if either of them read this blog, but Deb - thanks for giving me the outlet to share my journey, and thanks for praying with me. And Kari, thanks for listening - for encouraging me to keep walking. This feels like such a weird journey right now, and I've felt very alone in the last couple weeks - very unsupported and uncertain, but these two women managed to draw my story out in such a way that I not only shared it with them, but was reminded myself of God's presence in all of this.

Heart connect is a beautiful thing, and I'm bubbling over with excitement and joy because it happened twice in one night, on a night when I was expecting nothing!

I needed to hear this...

From Unceasing Thinking to Unceasing Prayer
Our minds are always active. We analyze, reflect, daydream, or dream. There is not a moment during the day or night when we are not thinking. You might say our thinking is "unceasing." Sometimes we wish that we could stop thinking for a while; that would save us from many worries, guilt feelings, and fears. Our ability to think is our greatest gift, but it is also the source of our greatest pain. Do we have to become victims of our unceasing thoughts? No, we can convert our unceasing thinking into unceasing prayer by making our inner monologue into a continuing dialogue with our God, who is the source of all love.

Let's break out of our isolation and realize that Someone who dwells in the center of our beings wants to listen with love to all that occupies and preoccupies our minds. (Henri Nouwen)

I lay in bed last night, feeling very much the victim of my unceasing thoughts. A friend and the challenges she is facing were heavy on my mind. And so I lay there, long after I should have been asleep, and thought, and prayed. Mostly, though, I wondered how to pray. I begged God to hear the cry of my heart and understand, because my mind and lips weren't doing justice to the pain and confusion I was experiencing. And, like any good control freak, I took the opportunity to begin to obsessively sort through the options - trying to solve an unsolvable situation. And I woke up this morning, and started again - sorting through the issues trying to find workable solutions, and wondering how to pray, and if God was even hearing. So, I needed to hear these reminders from Henri Nouwen today. To be reminded to solve less and turn it over to God more. Seems simple, but very necessary tonight.

Incognito

My thoughts have gone underground.

There were some days this week where everything was on the surface. Every wound in my own life, every crisis in the life of my friend, and I honestly thought that I wouldn't survive. I camped out at the house of some friend's for the afternoon on one of those days, and as we chatted at the door while I was leaving, the tears of anger and frustration surfaced, and I started playing the "if only" game. "If only I was only facing my own wounds, I'd be okay," or, conversely "if only I was only dealing with her crises, I'd be okay." The combination became, in that moment so overwhelming that I was sure I wouldn't last another day. I was tired, and drained, and wasn't sure I could even face another 24 hour chunk of time.

My friend handled it wisely, drew me back into her home, sat me at the kitchen table, and informed me that we needed to pray. My only was response was that I was prayed out - I had cried out over and over again to God, particularly about the crises I was handling, and I just couldn't do it. So she prayed. Nothing earthshaking, but there's something about someone praying audibly for you that is calming. That calming gave me the strength to head back out her door, to drive myself home, and to engage in completely mindless, relaxing activities for the evening. I even slept better that night than I had in recent days.

The next day, I went back to work, and my emotions have gone underground. I did, however, wake up with the confidence and peace that I could be "on call" for the next 24 hours - that I could face my wounds and not allow them to control me for the next 24 hours. Yes, I am still extremely tired, but out of necessity, the 24/7 focus of my day cannot be either my wounds or my friend's crises. If I'm not paying attention to what I'm doing at work, it's not a good thing. And a gloomy bridal consultant isn't really a good thing for the customers either!

My tendency is to only write when the emotions are on the surface and refuse to be ignored. That happens once or twice a week these days. The rest of the week I stuff them down so that I can make it through the day. It's probably not a healthy way of managing. So, I'm sitting here this morning, getting ready for work, and writing, just to acknowledge that the things I'm ignoring are still there. And that I'm really looking forward to having my entire support network back in Calgary at the end of the month - to not facing the load in quite so alone a manner.

Post Script

I feel a little bad for ranting a bit about my church yesterday. Because, the truth is, I did attend out of obligation - I'd promised someone else that I would pick them up (I've been driving anywhere from 1-5 other women who don't have access to vehicles for several months now.) And, quite honestly, I sat there, feeling mostly dead inside from my own exhaustion, and missing my close friends, who were travelling or couldn't make it out last night.

The worship time washed over me, and I relaxed a little. I could feel my emotions settling into the simple realization of my exhaustion, rather than the tumult they had been.

I chatted with a new friend and an old friend, and enjoyed it.

I listened to other people share what their holidays had been like, and was both happy and sad as was appropriate to the stories.

I ate cookies - we have the best cookies ever at house church.

And I had the opportunity to have a conversation about my friend in crisis. With someone else who she'd dropped her bombshell's on last week. And it was here that God encouraged me. Because the person I talked to was understanding. She took the time to simply listen to my exhaustion - because of my own journey lately, and because of my friend in crisis. And I so appreciated those minutes as we sat there. The chance to get some things off my chest. To know that I made some wise decisions in talking with my friend last night.

Our house church was smaller (less than half) than normal last night. And I appreciated it. Because people who don't normally share were able to speak out. Because it felt intimate instead of an extension of the more impersonal large gathering Sunday nights. And yes, I still missed my friends greatly, but I'm not sorry I dragged myself there out of obligation. Because it was good. And I was encouraged.

Sense of Obligation

I'm headed out tonight to house church. But more out of a sense of obligation than anything else. I'm really struggling with my church right now. Quite honestly, I haven't met God there in any kind of really significant way in a very long time - if ever.

I've met God through people I met there, but never in the context of a church gathering. And somehow, I think church should be challenging - and should be a place where you meet God. Now, I think this is maybe just my issue. And yes, I still enjoy the worship, the atmosphere, I'm just wrestling with some issues right now, and attending more out of obligation - because I think that church is important to the life of the believer than because I really want to be there, or because I receive from God when I attend.

And, the people who I consistently meet God with - well, a couple of them are out of town right now, and the others are considering or have already decided to move on from our church. And I'm struggling with that right now, because, well, I abhore change mostly, and I wonder if I'll see them as often, how our relationship will change as they make these decisions. And my temptation is to cling tightly to them, to be moody and childish about it, because these are the first true friends I've had in a very long time. And I find myself thinking about following them to wherever they end up. And then I criticize myself for failing to think independently - for being reliant and childish. I don't want to become a church-hopper. I know myself well enough to know that I would never find good relationships that way - it takes me time to build friendships. But, can time at a specific church be seasonal? Could it be that I need to reconsider my decision to stay? That I'm staying simply to avoid the discomfort of trying a new place - trying to figure out the rythyms and beliefs of a whole new set of people? And why am I thinking these things now - two years in, when I've finally stopped being an anonymous attender - when I know people. Someone who I would have not expected to know my name greeted me by name on Sunday night, and that gave me such a warm and accepted feeling that I've missed since leaving the church I grew up in - the one where everyone knew my name and (seemingly) everything about me.

And I wonder, as I sit there on Sunday and Tuesday nights, how many others are feeling the same dissatisfaction I'm feeling? But I'm still hesitating to speak up, to share my concerns and frustrations, because as a ten year old pastor's kid, I was one of the victims of a nasty, political church split. And I still carry wounds from that time. I hate dissension in a church. I think everyone should be equally happy or unhappy. Basically, I tend to think that everyone should think exactly like me. I have all these nice words, from my pastor's kid experience, about choosing to speak up and address concerns with the appropriate people, and I'm too much of a coward to do it. I keep telling myself I'm going to wait for a while. But I've been sitting on concerns for quite a while.

Uggh... Jesus, I would love for you to meet me tonight at house church. Yes, I'm going out of obligation. I'm serving as a taxi for someone who needs that fellowship and wouldn't be able to go if I didn't drive. I'm tired and resentful, and I confess that to you. I am yours. I once again stand with open hands before you. My life, my decisions, everything that is me - I give that to You.

Narnia Rumors

The following appeared on the Relevant Magazine website today:

With The Lion, the Witch and Wardrobe already earning more than half a billion dollars internationally, Walt Disney is moving forward on the next chapter in The Chronicles of Narnia. According to Variety rumors, the script for Prince Caspian is currently in the works, and the finished film may be ready for release in late 2007 .

That's kind of exciting, I guess. A lot of people I know have been hoping that they'll go ahead and make the rest of the Narnia series into movies.

Timely Words

I got my daily email from the Henri Nouwen society today. As usual, it had a snippet of Nouwen's writings. I received this one sometime shortly after I posted this morning, and was struck by how closely it applied to what I had written. So, here it is, for all of you to enjoy too.

Enough Light for the Next Step
Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away.

Tiny Moments and Hallelujahs

I'm stuck on a theme of "tiny" at the moment. The tiny things I'm grateful for took up my last post. Today I'm thinking about doing life in "tiny moments."

I was sitting at church last night, and a friend popped over to chat with me. Around us, people were praying, but we were just catching up. What had been going on in our lives? What was God doing? Why was it a good/bad day? I like low key conversations like that. And Nolan asks good questions. Plus, he's a very intense listener, and that makes him a good conversational partner when you don't just want to make small talk.

So I was chatting with him, and sharing a little bit of my frustrations of the last week. How I've felt isolated in the middle of handling fairly major crises. How I'm tired because of the lack of sleep I've had the last while thanks to odd dreams and restless tossing and turning (usually induced by odd dreams).

And then I had one of those moments I usually only have when I'm writing. An "epiphany" type moment. Where I say something (or write it) and am then struck by the truth of it for that moment in my life. I heard myself say, "I'm breaking this into little moments. I can be on call 24/7 for today. And then tomorrow, I'll get up and I'll be able to do it again for that day." I talked about the fact that I tend to be a somewhat organized, control freak. I like to make my plans a week or two or more in advance. But right now, I could make plans for Thursday, and if a crisis came up, my plans would change. I have no choice but to exist primarily in the present moment.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure that God is calling me to some kind of formal ministry as a career. Not that I'm surprised, because we've been battling over that issue for years. But here's the deal, if I start thinking about the fact that the life I'm living in this moment could be a long term pattern for my life, I get overwhelmed. Fast. But, if I approach this in the tiny moment way that hit me last night, if I say "I can be on call for the next 24 hours," or "I can drop everything to care for you today," and then tomorrow, I get up and say the same thing, it's not quite so frightening. It's breaking a huge thing into tiny, manageable chunks, and I can do that. Yes, it requires me to surrender, to set aside my need to control my schedule, but I can do that for a day at a time. I'm still making longer-term plans, but I'm more willing to see them change if necessary.

It's been crazy, this season. Learning to focus on someone else. To let their needs come first. I have been learning over the past six or eight months what a selfish, inwardly focused person that I've become. The longer I was depressed, the more focused on myself and my own problems I became. And now, my time is consumed many days with someone else. Because she needs me right now. My thoughts and prayers are more often about her, and less often about railing at God for my depression, my hurts. And it has required tiny moments, because they are all that is certain.

And one last thing. I am continuing to learn "hallelujah". I am learning what it means to pray "glory to God" in the midst of some of the messiest situations I have ever encountered. The first time I heard God say to me "pray hallelujah" I just about fell over, because it seemed to be the least reasonable thing to pray for that situation. I actually asked a friend if I could possibly be hearing God correctly - only a single word, and it was "hallelujah"? But God kept saying it, and I am trying to be obedient. Last night at church, the chorus or bridge or something (can you tell I'm not a musician?) to one of the songs was simply the word "hallelujah". And my heart leapt. And I sat there and soaked. Because it was so true. "Glory to God."

Glory to God in the mess that is the life of my friend right now. Glory to God in the wounds that I am facing in these days. Glory to God in the changes I see in my life. Glory to God in the lives of the others I am lifting before Him. Glory to God in my frustrations with my family. Glory to God in the lives of my coworkers and friends. Glory to God in my writing. Glory to God in the decisions I need to make about my future. Glory to God in illness and in health. Glory to God in the tiny moments and in the long term plans. Hallelujah.

Tiny Things

I was inspired by this post that Sheri wrote, and thought I'd think for a minute or two and make my own list.

Tonight, I'm grateful for tiny things.

• For a warm bed to crawl into at the end of a long day at work.
• For a phone call that was less about crisis, and more about chatting.
• For the fact that my friend made a wise decision after our conversation this week when I was sure she wouldn't.
• For the quick lessons of reality that I've lived in the last couple of months.
• For a life that is not easy, but has vitality right now.
• For days when I can sleep in a little - and not have to wake from the bad dreams.
• For a good novel to curl up with.
• For friends who write interesting blog posts.
• For dried mango to eat.
• For a change in work schedule that means I won't have to work 10 straight days this month.
• For patience as I spent three hours dealing with a bridal couple at work today. (It should have taken just under an hour, but they were indecisive.)
• For a day that was busy at work, so the shift went quickly.
• For the song "Hallelujah" which my brother finally lent me the CD of. I've been looking for it ever since I read the article I mentioned here a while back. And then, God started teaching me to pray "hallelujah".
• For a family that loves me, even when we're battling over various issues.
• For the fact that my friend is choosing to allow people to see her vulnerability and accept help from some of us.
• For a moment when my friend wondered how I was doing - what was going on in my life, rather than sharing her latest crisis.
• For a level head, common sense, and an ability to chat aimlessly when necessary - all of which have been saving graces in crisis moments the last few weeks.
• For high speed internet that lets me indulge my need to blog, to read blogs, and to email.
• For a fantastic public library system that is feeding my reading obsession these days.
• For a relationship with God that seems to be growing, rather than stagnant.

Hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go...

Only I'm going to work this morning with decidedly less enthusiasm than the dwarfs!

Long night last night. I woke up over and over, and had quite a number of strange, blurry dreams that have again left me unsettled. I woke in a state of disarray - mentally, physically, emotionally, maybe even spiritually. Blah.

Of course, I went to bed frustrated, after a conversation with my parents, so that could account for at least part of how I woke up. Biting my tongue to keep from saying things that would have landed me in a great deal of hot water. Right now, we're not navigating the "I'm an adult and making my own decisions/You're still my child living under my roof" thing very well. I desperately need to either move out or buy a car and create some independence. We're battling over financial issues - which I happen to think is none of their business. I work for my money, and I pay my bills, and I'm not sure why my mom in particular feels the need to have massive amounts of input into my finances. I'm financially responsible - I just don't do things quite their way.

Most of the conversations we've had recently have felt like criticisms for the way I'm choosing to live my life - the way I handle my finances, the church I've chosen, the job I'm working in, sometimes even the way I handle my social life.

But, no time to muse on this now... I must be off to work and keep making money so I can keep being financially stable (unless, of course, my mother steps in!)

Thinking Out Loud

I reread the last few posts I've written here today. I printed them off, tucked them inside the cover of my journal, and took them to work with me. I read them on my lunch break. They feel really honest, and, to be quite frank, somewhat exposing and raw.

I wonder if I should have shared the depths of my sense of inadequacy as I walk through this time in my life. I know God has called me to serve Him by caring for these individuals in crisis, but I wonder still what He could possibly see as my qualifications for this sort of service. And yes, you can't grow up a pastor's kid and not know that God will never call you to something without equipping you for it, and that that equipping comes in the moment it's most needed and never sooner. But still, I wonder.

I sat at lunch and thought about the conversation I had yesterday. My friend is facing some pretty big challenges in her life right now. There is a strong likelihood that the challenges will get bigger before they taper off. I listened for a while, and silently pleaded with God (as I had off and on for much of the afternoon before meeting up with her) to give me words - to speak - preferably loudly. I guess He did - although not loudly. As I began to respond to her, certain things became startlingly clear in my head. And I spoke them, challenging her to make some decisions, to rethink some she'd already made. I hope that was God. I think it was.

Everytime I answer my phone these days, I wonder what I'm going to get hit with next. I'm almost afraid to spend time praying and meditating, because each time I've paused lately, I have been made aware of deep wounds in my life. Can God use the walking wounded? Because at the moment my life is a mass of open wounds - wounds that He has exposed, but not yet healed. Wounds that are going to be a long time in healing, I think. I'm the walking wounded. And yet, the phone calls haven't stopped coming. The crises haven't slacked off. And I wonder...

I am confronted with spiritual realities that are new to me. Areas of darkness are huge in the life of my friend. And I am ill-equipped to face that. I know nothing of spiritual warfare. It was not a topic discussed in the home or the church I grew up in. Spiritual warfare in our home refers more directly to the realities of my dad's occasional mission trips to Ghana, not to something we deal with everyday. And yet, I am so very aware these last few months of the battle for my friend's heart, for my own heart a lot of days. I am aware that there is a battle, but I feel so incredibly ill-equipped for the reality of that statement. And that scares me.

I have surrounded myself with friends who have greater understanding and discernment in this area than I, two friends in particular. But the two of them are off traveling for the next couple weeks - enjoying a post-graduation road trip. They won't be back until nearly the end of the month, and in the mean time, the crisis around my friend in intensifying, and will probably continue to intensify for the foreseeable future - especially once her mom dies. As I dropped her at home yesterday, I wished for nothing so much as for my friends to be in town, because I had no idea how to respond. They're my backup. I emailed them, and the next time they're somewhere where they can check, I know they'll pray, but in the meantime, I have to continue to negotiate this situation. (And boys, if you read this - thanks for praying - I appreciate it. I hope the road trip is awesome, and I miss you guys!)

And I can't help but think, "how did I get here?" Because, that night, when I sat in my friend's car (November 1), and prayed at his encouragement, invited Jesus to enter my life in new ways. To allow me to experience Him and not just know about Him. Nothing that night indicated the kind of ride I was in for. And yes, I see major changes in my life. Things that stun me. Things that fall into the category of "I would have sworn I'd never do or never say that."

I was chatting with a friend from high school last night, and she read a bit of this blog for the first time, and commented, "it sounds like life has been pretty rough for you lately." Well, yes, that's true I guess. I'm tired all the time. I've been on 24/7 call for the last month or so. I've having weird dreams almost every night again. But I'm meeting God in stunning ways almost every day.

The word "vital" or "vitality" popped into my head just now as I tried to think of a way to describe what has changed in my life in the last few months. I looked it up in the dictionary, and vital has several parts to its definition. The parts that popped out at me were "essential to the existence or continuance of something" and "full of life and vigor". My life has felt vital this last little while. And after several years of depression, it is beautiful. I would so much rather be walking through wounds, than living in a place too numb to even see the existence of those wounds. I would much rather hear a painful word from God than never hear Him at all. I would much rather pour my life into caring for a friend in crisis than live in a world that is focused on my own depression.

And yes, I feel most days incredibly young and inadequate to walk out these things. But God is calling me ever further along this journey, and the vitality of the previous moment gives me the faith to take each tiny step to the next. I struggle to trust Him, but am at the moment choosing to acknowledge that He has been faithful these last months, never giving me anything beyond my ability to walk into it - even when it doesn't feel that way in the moment.

So, Jesus, here I am. Young, inadequate, feeling terrified and unworthy, but willing to do almost anything to keep hearing from you, to make these changes in my life continue. Abba, I am Yours.

Listening to God is...

"Listening to God is one of the most underwhelming, difficult, unfulfilling, confusing, and altogether frustrating experiences of my life."

A friend of mine wrote this sentence on his journal at our church website today. And it grabbed me when I sat down to read the entry tonight.

Because this is how I have felt lately. This is how I felt today.

This afternoon was one of the most stunning crisis moments yet. Everytime I think that things with this friend cannot possibly get worse, they seem to get astronomically worse. And I am left wondering if God maybe said the wrong name when He called me to serve her. If possibly God got confused and meant to appoint someone with age, wisdom and experience.

And so I sit there, and listen to her, and wonder what could possibly be the reason that I am being asked to do this. And God is stunningly silent. I listen to her, and I pray silently, begging him to take control of my lips as I begin to respond to the crisis. I don't know if He does - sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes there are insights that become suddenly clear, and I know that I need to share them. And sometimes, I just talk - practical common sense kind of things, and hope that those are God too.

And if positive steps are made while we talk, then the credit certainly belongs to God. Because who am I anyway? I'm twenty-two. I spent the last several years battling depression, nightmares, and emotional and spiritual issues. I have a degree in European history that hardly qualifies me to give sound insight on matters of physical, mental, emotional or spiritual health. On November 1, 2005, I met God in a more powerful and personal way than anything I've ever experienced, and my life has been a gong show ever since. He called me once again to serve, and it's been nuts. I've put out one fire after another. He's ripped open wounds in my life that I have no idea what to do with. I find myself on the brink of tears on a nearly daily basis as I think about these wounds - this from the girl who hasn't been able to cry in well over a year. I'm having weird dreams every night again - dreams that seem somehow significant, but for reasons I can't quite peg. I don't usually remember them, I just wake feeling restless and unsettled - a feeling that takes a couple hours to fight into submission. And yet, in the pit of my gut, I know I can't leave - ever. Because He's there, and He's doing crazy things, and I'm astonished every day that He's there. Wow!

But the fact remains that listening to Him is, well, all the things my friend named. And another friend swears to me that it will get better, get easier, and I hope he's right, because this is just crazy hard at the moment, and I could really use the "direct voice of God" in some of the wounds of my life, and in these crisis moments that I'm dealing with on such a regular basis.

Muddled, but gearing up

I've had three days off work this week. This is day three. The goal for the days was to rest and recuperate. I may have accomplished this.

At the present moment I'm gearing up. Today this means I am mentally preparing myself for some challenges, while eating multi-grain toast slathered with butter and strawberry jam. (Just as an aside - I don't quite understand multi-grain bread. To me, the concept of bread is something soft and delicious - multi-grain bread with bird-seed like stuff in it is just not quite there. But it's edible. It just won't ever measure up to a crispy warm loaf of white french bread. Plus, strawberry jam is definitely a second rate option next to raspberry, which we seem to be out of again.)

In a couple of hours, my friend who's mother is dying will come over. I'm a little scared for that conversation. I think things are going pretty badly for her. A couple days ago she started refusing to tell me what was going on over the phone - saying she'd tell me when she saw me. That always scares me with this particular friend. When I'm done posting, I'm going to crawl into my bed, turn on some David Crowder Band, do a little reading and a lot of praying to prepare myself for whatever comes next in this one.

After I meet with that friend, I'm spending the evening at a movie with another friend. I've known this one since I was six, but she's one of those friends who you have to "do" something with. You can't just sit down and have a conversation. It always makes me a little sad to spend time with her, because I see hurt in her life, but don't know how to touch it, have never been able to draw honesty or feeling from her. And as our relationship changed in university, I stopped sharing too. Oh, we'll cover the basics - what our families are up to, is there a guy in either of our lives, plans for the next while, but I'll come home, and it will still feel empty, and sad - the promise for so much more is there, but we can't seem to find it.

I go back to working full time tomorrow. I'm hoping for the best. I don't particularly love my job, but at the moment I don't hate it either. This next month will be filled with consultations - every bride getting married in the spring and summer wedding rush will be needing to set up gift registries, and my job is to ensure that the registry they create suits their needs and their guests budgets.

I'm still muddled. Still praying single word sentences. Someone suggested I might pray the word Grace - it's a good word. I've been praying a prayer Brennan Manning suggested in a sermon I listened to recently - "Abba, I am Yours." I'm trying to rest in that statement. To live there as I deal with some incredibly painful things that God has brought to light in my life. I feel like I'm thrashing, working hard to grab solid ground that isn't quite in reach. But I'm going to keep going. Because nothing in the previous years hurt this much - not the depression, not the numbing overwhelming struggle, but nothing felt like that moment of clarity when God reveals something, when He promises to begin a new work in your life, when He opens a wound but promises to heal it properly if I will only wait and allow Him to work. So, I'm clinging for dear life, treading water, whatever metaphor you want to use, but I'm never going back!

Reading List 2006

I spent a portion of this morning preparing a list of books that I want to read in the coming year. Because I am a compulsive book-buyer, I already own a great number of those on the list, and my list, which is quite long, is divided into two sections - those books I already own, and those that I will locate from the library or purchase later in the year. I have not listed any novels - mostly because I never have difficulty finding a novel to read, maybe because I am resolved to read less brain candy type novels, and more challenging works.

Because I am not very good at reading non-fiction, I have read portions of a great number of the books on the list. My goal is to finish reading these books. I am determined to teach myself to read more broadly, and to retain information that I read in a more useful manner.

I have also determined to keep track of what I read this year. The title, author, and whether or not the book is fiction or non-fiction will be recorded. I used to track my reading all the time, but have fallen out of the habit in the last several years. Because I have resolved to read more challenging books, and to read broadly over the next year, I am once again going to attempt to track my reading.

So, without further ado, I present the list I prepared this morning - a list which is already missing certain titles (The Alchemist - thanks for the reccomendation Sheri!) - a list that will be updated throughout the year, but is a good beginning. If anyone has suggestions for additions, leave me a comment and let me know!

Reading List 2006

Books I Already Own
The Vision and the Vow (Pete Greig)
Waking the Dead (John Eldredge)
Captivating (John and Stasi Eldredge)
The Quest for the Radical Middle (Bill Jackson)
Surprised by the Voice of God (Jack Deere)
Making Real What I Already Believe (John Fischer)
Soul Survivor (Mike Pilavachi)
A Generous Orthodoxy (Brian McLaren)
A New Kind of Christian (Brian McLaren)
Fearless Faith (John Fischer)
The Father Heart of God (Floyd McClung, Jr.)
Rumors of Another World (Philip Yancey)
Great Souls: Six Who Changed the Century (David Aikman)
A Delicate Fade (Ben Devries)
Praise Habit: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi (David Crowder)
Velvet Elvis (Rob Bell)
The Unquenchable Worshipper (Matt Redman)
The Great Evangelical Disaster (Francis A. Schaeffer)
The Screwtape Letters (C.S. Lewis)
Letters to Marc About Jesus (Henri Nouwen)
Good Ideas from Questionable Christians and Outright Pagans: An Introduction to Key Thinkers and Philosophies (Steve Wilkens)
Inside of Me (Shellie R. Warren)
Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity (Lauren F. Winner)
Following Jesus Without Embarrassing God (Tony Campolo)
The Beginner’s Guide to Spiritual Gifts (Sam Storms)
The Confessions (Augustine)
Messy Spirituality (Mike Yaconelli)

Books to Buy/Get from the Library
Breakthrough: Discovering the Kingdom (Derek Morphew)
Following Jesus (Dave Roberts)
Wrestling with God (Rick Diamond)
Dangerous Wonder (Mike Yaconelli)
Speaking My Mind (Tony Campolo)
Adventures in Missing the Point (Tony Campolo/Brian McLaren)
The Story We Find Ourselves In (Brian McLaren)
The Last Word and the Word After That (Brian McLaren)
Provocative Faith (Matthew Paul Turner)
The Coffeehouse Gospel (Matthew Paul Turner)
Prophetic Untimeliness: A Challenge to the Idol of Relevance (Os Guiness)
The Soul Tells a Story: Engaging Creativity with Spirituality in the Writing Life (Vinita Hampton Wright)
Aimee Semple McPherson: Everbody’s Sister (Edith L. Blumhofer)
Through the Narrow Gate (Karen Armstrong)
All of the Women of the Bible (Edith Deen)
The Seven Storey Mountain (Thomas Merton)
Apostle Paul and Women in the Church (Don Williams)
Daughters of the Church (Ruth A. Tucker/ Walter Liefeld)
Women in Ministry: Four Views (Bonnidell and Robert Clouse)
Daughter of Destiny (Kathryn Kuhlman)

The Problem...

So, I took a quiz here called "What type of Christian are you?" These were the results:
Jerry Falwell Christian(a.k.a. "Historicist" or "Literalist")
You view the Bible as historically accurate and divinely inspired. You go to church every Sunday, with the Good Book in a Bible cover, and Wednesday night for Bible study. You've read at least one of the books in the apocalyptic "Left Behind" series, prefer your iced tea very sweet, and suspect Bill Clinton has murdered somebody somewhere in Arkansas. You're furious that people actually believe "The Da Vinci Code" and have bought a book debunking the novel. You wept uncontrollably all three times you went to see "The Passion of the Christ" and have ordered the DVD in bulk to give copies to friends. You may watch Eternal Word Television Network, and you adore Dr. Laura, Chuck Colson, James Dobson, and Rush Limbaugh. You enjoy some episodes of "Joan of Arcadia" but think it's not reverent enough--"Touched by an Angel" was better. If you're Catholic, you go to Latin Mass and weekly confession, though you don't have much to confess. You think homosexuals are sinful but try periodically to love them. You think the surrounding culture is so polluted that you shop at Christian bookstores, listen only to Christian radio and send your kids to Christian or parochial schools--or homeschool them. You give generously to your church and Christian charities. The Bible provides you not only a direct connection to God but a roadmap for how to lead your life.

Apparantly, believing that much of the Bible is literal automatically associates me with a number of stereotypes that make me either angry, or simply make me want to cry. This is the challenge my generation faces, and I think it is the reason we are so concerned with being "relevant." Honestly, I just get angry when I read something like this, especially on a website like "BeliefNet" that is supposed to be positively promoting a variety of religions. Anyway, I'd like to respond to this one!

Just for clarification - I do go to church every (well almost) Sunday, and Bible study on Tuesdays. I don't however carry my bible in a cover specifically designed for that purpose. My Bible is held together with duct tape, because, while I have a nice new one, I like the old one with all my notes and underlining in it. I have never read any book in the "Left Behind" series - I don't really devote much time to considering how the world will end. I'm more interested in living right now than I am in speculating and worrying about the future. I have nothing particularly against Bill Clinton, although I am rather tired of the type of political scandal he seems to symbolize. I could care less what people think about the Da Vinci code (which I also haven't read) except that it annoys me slightly that people in our "enlightened, intelligent culture" don't seem to know the definition of "fiction". I did see the Passion of the Christ, and it did impact me, and I did cry. However, I saw it only once, I didn't weep uncontrollably, I have not purchased it for anyone, and I will probably never watch it again. Dr. Laura is amusing in very small doses, Charles Colson writes some intelligent and insightful commentary on the Christian worldview (although slightly too conservative for me), James Dobson mostly annoys me (a friend saw a bumper sticker in Colorado Springs that said "Focus on Your Own D**N Family! - I just about died laughing when he told me), and I'm not even sure who Rush Limbaugh is. I loved almost every episode of Joan of Arcadia (I mean, who wouldn't be fascinated by a God that appears in physical form - and He said some pretty important stuff to Joan), and while I occasionally watched Touched by an Angel, it was generally too sappy and full of happy endings for my tastes. I try to love homosexuals more than periodically - in fact, I wonder why their sexual orientation has anything to do with me loving them or not. Aren't we commanded to love everyone? Hello, literal Bible reading people! I think the surrounding culture has an awful lot of positive things to offer, as well as some very negative things, and while I do shop at Christian bookstores, my book and music and clothing and entertainment spending is by no means limited to "Christian" products. I'm really bad at remembering to tithe - although I'm trying to work on that. The Bible is the Word of God, but He speaks to me directly too. And yes, I was homeschooled for about seven years, and would possibly homeschool my own children someday, but it has a whole lot more to do with freedom of decision, and my gratefulness for the time my mom invested in us, than in a need to "protect" my kids from the "evil" culture!

Joy and Sorrow

I got another great bit from Henri Nouwen in my email again today... so, here it is!

Our Spiritual Parents
Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth.

I am Lisa

A couple days ago, I put this sentence in the middle of a post here, “I'm learning that I am Lisa.” It seems kind of funny to be learning this now, 22 years after I started “being” Lisa. But I am. I have spent years with my identity defined by whose child I was, whose friend I was, what I did, what I read, what I was studying, and what people thought of me. I am learning that these things count a whole lot less than I thought that they did, and in light of that, I have a short list of intentions/resolutions/things to try for the new year. I’ll do other things, I just don’t like to plan too much ahead! If I don’t list it, I don’t have to feel guilty if it doesn’t quite get accomplished!

In 2006, I will wear my hair curly more often. I like it when it’s curly. Plus, wearing it curly forces me to spend time caring for myself – curly hair requires a wash, styling product – some work. I think I need to spend a bit more time taking care of myself – even little things like taking vitamins to stave off the illness that always results when I’m overtired and stressed.

In 2006, I will read more books that challenge me and less books that don’t. I will read about subjects like women in the church (thanks for the list Sheri), charismatic theology (if I can find some good ones…), spiritual autobiographies, the Moravian movement, and philosophy. But I will also treat myself to novels – because even the brain needs candy once in a while.

In 2006, I will be intentional about hanging out with people who challenge me – especially emotionally and spiritually. I already kind of do this (to the crew – you guys are awesome – let’s hang out lots more), but I want to do it even more intentionally and frequently.

In 2006, I will stand with open hands. My life is in the hands of God, and I want so desperately to leave it there – to break the habit of seizing control when things get painful, stressful, scary.

I have been learning this week what it means to be a child of my “Abba.” I’m only beginning to learn, but this is my biggest hope for the new year. I want to learn to rest in the arms of my “Abba.” I want to meet the God who is not authoritarian and harsh, but the one who loves me right where I am. I want to separate my relationship with my dad from my relationship with God, because my relationship with my dad is not all that healthy at the moment, and I want my relationship with God to be something that is growing and vibrant and healthy.

Jesus, teach me what it means to rest in your loving arms. To know your presence and your peace. I am Yours. And that amazes me. Thank you for showing up in my life. I stand in amazement of the things you are doing. It boggles my mind most days. Abba, I am yours.