So, the trip's off. Sketchy roads, only one driver. Neither one of us was completely comfortable with it, so we called it off. Gross. She's going to fly there and back a couple of times. These are the things you can do when you work for an airline - it's actually affordable!
And work is kind of sucking right now. We've got some people problems because of a messy situation in which a girl quit last week. A girl who was a friend, and widely liked and good at her job. So people are overworked, some problems we had before she left are magnified because she was filling a gap, and the job is generally frustration inducing.
Finances are tight, and I'm trying to figure out how to put money away for the future (car purchase, travel, internship) while still paying a student loan, rent, computer payment, etc.
And I'm lonely again. That's what really bites about calling off the trip. I was going to get to spend five days with a close friend. Now I'm going to spend possibly a couple hours with her. Gross.
I miss the soul connections with the people who are far away. I miss my best friend, and I'm even a little jealous of her - off having adventures in Pakistan while I'm here with work problems, and car problems and money problems and no friends in town.
I have to say, too, that I really hate New Year's. It is officially my least favorite holiday. I think I've spent it alone or with my parents every year for the last five. Usually while a wide variety of people I know and love are off having adventures and truly awesome good times.
Okay, with all that out of my system, I'm off to sit in a bathtub I think. See you tomorrow!
(p.s. at least I have a day off tomorrow - since I took it off for the trip I'm going to hang on to it.)
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Last Minute
Anyone want to make a superfast road trip to Vancouver this weekend. Leaving Friday, probably back Tuesday, maybe Monday?
I'm helping Rae move out there, and we never found another driver, so I'm doing all the driving. But if any of you are up for a quick trip, give me a call or pop me an email. I'd love you forever!
I'm helping Rae move out there, and we never found another driver, so I'm doing all the driving. But if any of you are up for a quick trip, give me a call or pop me an email. I'd love you forever!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
In anticipation of a new year...
I feel things shifting in me again. In a way I really can’t even begin to describe or understand. What are you trying to say to me, Lord?
Is this is? Is this coming year the one for adventure, for transition, for new things? Is it the one we’ve been talking about for the last six months?
You keep drawing me lower, drawing my heart to places I never expected. You are breeding things in me that I don’t understand.
Last year at this time I was waiting with a friend for her mom to die. I asked you what to pray, and you said, pray “Hallelujah.” I was a month out of a five year span of depression, a month separated from wanting my life to end. I was waiting for a death, and watching a friend engage in self-destruction. And you said, “pray hallelujah.”
I didn’t even know what the word meant. I had to look it up. “Hallelujah – glory to God.” So many times over the course of this wild and crazy year I asked you again what to pray, and you just kept speaking that word – hallelujah.
You taught me to search for the hallelujah in the midst of darkness. You walked with me through my own trials, and the trials of those you called me to. And you kept speaking hallelujah.
Sometimes you added the word “Immanuel.” You said pray, “hallelujah, Immanuel.” Glory to God. God with us.
And now, we’re seven days from a new year. And things are shifting again. I’m being pulled lower, pulled deeper, pulled further in. And I don’t understand, and I can’t quite explain. You’re still whispering “hallelujah” in my ears, but it’s different. Something is changing. Something I can’t quite put my finger on.
I’m here, Lord. I’m waiting for Your voice, your direction. What will you speak this year? What will you lead me into?
A year ago my plan was to become settled. Today, there are things within me that rebel at the very idea of being settled. There is this awakening desire to see your kingdom in forms spread across the globe. To love on the broken – the desire grows ever deeper. To meet you during pilgrimages. To spend months dedicated to you – internships, or traveling. I want to meet you. To meet you in the homeless man in the parking lot like a couple weeks ago, to meet you in the eyes of a baby, to meet you in broken women, to meet you in youth kids at church, to meet you in dreams and visions, to meet you in places I’d never dreamed of finding myself.
My heart is set on the journey. You are drawing me deeper, but outward. You are broadening the spaces in my heart and soul.
And I’m waiting here for your voice, for your words, for your hands.
Next steps aren’t clear, but I know they’re coming.
And in the meantime, I’m going to keep searching for, to keep speaking, to keep attempting to live a hallelujah.
Is this is? Is this coming year the one for adventure, for transition, for new things? Is it the one we’ve been talking about for the last six months?
You keep drawing me lower, drawing my heart to places I never expected. You are breeding things in me that I don’t understand.
Last year at this time I was waiting with a friend for her mom to die. I asked you what to pray, and you said, pray “Hallelujah.” I was a month out of a five year span of depression, a month separated from wanting my life to end. I was waiting for a death, and watching a friend engage in self-destruction. And you said, “pray hallelujah.”
I didn’t even know what the word meant. I had to look it up. “Hallelujah – glory to God.” So many times over the course of this wild and crazy year I asked you again what to pray, and you just kept speaking that word – hallelujah.
You taught me to search for the hallelujah in the midst of darkness. You walked with me through my own trials, and the trials of those you called me to. And you kept speaking hallelujah.
Sometimes you added the word “Immanuel.” You said pray, “hallelujah, Immanuel.” Glory to God. God with us.
And now, we’re seven days from a new year. And things are shifting again. I’m being pulled lower, pulled deeper, pulled further in. And I don’t understand, and I can’t quite explain. You’re still whispering “hallelujah” in my ears, but it’s different. Something is changing. Something I can’t quite put my finger on.
I’m here, Lord. I’m waiting for Your voice, your direction. What will you speak this year? What will you lead me into?
A year ago my plan was to become settled. Today, there are things within me that rebel at the very idea of being settled. There is this awakening desire to see your kingdom in forms spread across the globe. To love on the broken – the desire grows ever deeper. To meet you during pilgrimages. To spend months dedicated to you – internships, or traveling. I want to meet you. To meet you in the homeless man in the parking lot like a couple weeks ago, to meet you in the eyes of a baby, to meet you in broken women, to meet you in youth kids at church, to meet you in dreams and visions, to meet you in places I’d never dreamed of finding myself.
My heart is set on the journey. You are drawing me deeper, but outward. You are broadening the spaces in my heart and soul.
And I’m waiting here for your voice, for your words, for your hands.
Next steps aren’t clear, but I know they’re coming.
And in the meantime, I’m going to keep searching for, to keep speaking, to keep attempting to live a hallelujah.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Circling My Brain
There are so many thoughts circling in my head right now that I don't think I even know where to start! Actually, I think I'm just going to let most of them sit and marinate for a while. I'm going to keep reading, keep writing, keep listening, until they stop being just thoughts and start being things I am breathing.
That said, here is a (by no means complete) list of some of the things informing my swirling thoughts these days:
In the coming month I am hoping to have conversations, written, in person or both with a whole bunch of people around this topic (including but not limited to Kirk and Darlene, Marty and Kari, James, Rachel...add your name here...).
I am being sucked deeper, and I wasn't expecting it. I've been hijacked by Jesus or something!
Off to cook dinner... see you later!
That said, here is a (by no means complete) list of some of the things informing my swirling thoughts these days:
- The Irresistible Revolution - Shane Claiborne
- A couple of sermons Claiborne gave that I downloaded (just google Shane Claiborne mp3)
- Rob Bell's "Calling All Peacemakers" sermon series (being preached over the last several weeks, and available in Itunes - Mars Hill Bible Church podcast)
- Mike Yaconelli's "Messy Spirituality"
- A couple of sermons by David Ruis that I found in itunes (Soul Survivor USA podcast)
- "This Beautiful Mess" and "Jesus in the Margins" by Rick Mckinley
- Gray's Anatomy and M*A*S*H*
- "Let me Tell You a Story" by Tony Campolo
- A whole variety of Scripture passages - central to shaping my thoughts, and too numerous to list.
- "Voices in the Night" - the prison poems of Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
- The conversation going on over at Kirk's blog.
In the coming month I am hoping to have conversations, written, in person or both with a whole bunch of people around this topic (including but not limited to Kirk and Darlene, Marty and Kari, James, Rachel...add your name here...).
I am being sucked deeper, and I wasn't expecting it. I've been hijacked by Jesus or something!
Off to cook dinner... see you later!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
A couple quick things
I've been rather busy this week, thus no blogging since Monday. Perhaps a longer post tomorrow, as I'm officially off work for Christmas at noon.
In the meantime, you could check out my best friend Megan's blogs about her time in Nepal, and now in Pakistan, at her myspace site here.
Megs blows my mind, travelling half-way around the world by herself, to use her nursing skills in a hospital where she can't even speak the language of her patients. And yet, she does it. She travels, and loves on people, and it excites me that this is one of my best friends on the planet.
So, check it out for tonight, and I'll probably be back here tomorrow!
In the meantime, you could check out my best friend Megan's blogs about her time in Nepal, and now in Pakistan, at her myspace site here.
Megs blows my mind, travelling half-way around the world by herself, to use her nursing skills in a hospital where she can't even speak the language of her patients. And yet, she does it. She travels, and loves on people, and it excites me that this is one of my best friends on the planet.
So, check it out for tonight, and I'll probably be back here tomorrow!
Monday, December 18, 2006
Wild Weekend
Quite a few things changed since Saturday morning when I wrote my post about it being a cozy day. It was, in some ways a very cosy day. I was happy, content, not lonely for the first time in a week.
The biggest change was that on Saturday night, on my way to the youth Christmas party I mentioned, I was in a car accident. I was fortunate. God showed many mercies - the other car was not badly damaged, no one was hurt beyond some stiff muscles, my parents weren't angry with me, the cop gave me a significantly smaller traffic ticket/fine than he could have. I probably wrote off the minivan I was driving.
Saturday night, as I slept (if you can call it sleeping) was a time of intense spiritual warfare. Not something completely out of normal for me, but not by any stretch something common. Again, God showed me his mercies, and gave me the strength to fight against the lies that were being spoken into me.
All in all, it could have been much worse. It was not, by any stretch a stellar weekend, but it could have been far worse. I'm grateful for the little mercies (and the big ones) of the weekend.
The biggest change was that on Saturday night, on my way to the youth Christmas party I mentioned, I was in a car accident. I was fortunate. God showed many mercies - the other car was not badly damaged, no one was hurt beyond some stiff muscles, my parents weren't angry with me, the cop gave me a significantly smaller traffic ticket/fine than he could have. I probably wrote off the minivan I was driving.
Saturday night, as I slept (if you can call it sleeping) was a time of intense spiritual warfare. Not something completely out of normal for me, but not by any stretch something common. Again, God showed me his mercies, and gave me the strength to fight against the lies that were being spoken into me.
All in all, it could have been much worse. It was not, by any stretch a stellar weekend, but it could have been far worse. I'm grateful for the little mercies (and the big ones) of the weekend.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Cozy Day
Today is about doing cozy things.
Drinking herbal tea.
Baking lemon shortbread cookies.
Playing Christmas music.
Taking a long bath with a good book.
Making Christmas cards to mail to my friends.
Watching M*A*S*H* Season 11 that arrived in the mail yesterday.
Doing one or more of these things at a time.
Tonight is a Christmas party for the youth. I think we're taking them caroling at the homes of some people from the church.
But today is for cozy things.
Drinking herbal tea.
Baking lemon shortbread cookies.
Playing Christmas music.
Taking a long bath with a good book.
Making Christmas cards to mail to my friends.
Watching M*A*S*H* Season 11 that arrived in the mail yesterday.
Doing one or more of these things at a time.
Tonight is a Christmas party for the youth. I think we're taking them caroling at the homes of some people from the church.
But today is for cozy things.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Searching for Entertainment
I've spent a significant chunk of my day surfing the web for entertainment options for my company's spring regional meeting. Not the easiest task at the best of times, but my search has been significantly complicated by the audience we need to entertain.
You see, they're Mennonites. And not any one type. We have the ultra-conservative, still wear the special outfit Mennonites, and we have the very modern, they might have a nose-piercing mennonites. And we need to entertain them all. We'd like to make them laugh...
Turns out a great many of the people I would normally reccommend for this sort of thing - people I've enjoyed - would definitely NOT fit the demographic we're looking to entertain.
So, if you have any brilliant ideas for musicians or singers or speakers or dramatists or illusionists or comedians - basically something entertaining - that would fit a widely varied Mennonite audience, or if you, as members of my readership think you can do the job, drop me an email, or leave me a comment. We can use all the help we can get.
(And, by the way, I like my job, and the people I work for, and the people we serve - all Mennonites... they're just hard to figure out how to entertain!)
You see, they're Mennonites. And not any one type. We have the ultra-conservative, still wear the special outfit Mennonites, and we have the very modern, they might have a nose-piercing mennonites. And we need to entertain them all. We'd like to make them laugh...
Turns out a great many of the people I would normally reccommend for this sort of thing - people I've enjoyed - would definitely NOT fit the demographic we're looking to entertain.
So, if you have any brilliant ideas for musicians or singers or speakers or dramatists or illusionists or comedians - basically something entertaining - that would fit a widely varied Mennonite audience, or if you, as members of my readership think you can do the job, drop me an email, or leave me a comment. We can use all the help we can get.
(And, by the way, I like my job, and the people I work for, and the people we serve - all Mennonites... they're just hard to figure out how to entertain!)
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Mood Music
I think you can tell quite a bit about my mood and the kinds of things I’ve been thinking about lately if I just give you the most recent playlist I put on my ipod and have been listening to quite incessantly. (Remember, I’m less than musical, so you have to do some research and check out the lyrics to some of these songs if you want to really catch my mood!)
Small (Amanda Falk)
If it be Your Will (Jann Arden)
The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy) (Jars of Clay)
Deliver Me (David Crowder Band
Scratch (Kendall Payne)
Let Go (Frou Frou)
Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley)
Ups & Downs (Kendall Payne)
Hosea (Jacob and Lily)
Aslan (Kendall Payne)
Hurt (Johnny Cash)
Twenty Three (Kendall Payne)
Psalm 23 (Jason Upton)
Build a Tower (Jacob and Lily)
Hallelujah (K.D. Lang)
Pray (Kendall Payne)
Have you caught the mood? It’s also a fairly accurate reflection of the new music I’ve been listening to lately. And yes, I know that the same song appears on there twice, only performed by two different artists. That would be because I love the song, and I love both versions, and certain parts of that song quite nicely fit my mood of late, as well as highlighting themes in my life this last year. I realized as I was walking to work from the train this morning, that one song is missing - I'll have to add it tonight. Rescue Me (Rik Leaf).
Small (Amanda Falk)
If it be Your Will (Jann Arden)
The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy) (Jars of Clay)
Deliver Me (David Crowder Band
Scratch (Kendall Payne)
Let Go (Frou Frou)
Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley)
Ups & Downs (Kendall Payne)
Hosea (Jacob and Lily)
Aslan (Kendall Payne)
Hurt (Johnny Cash)
Twenty Three (Kendall Payne)
Psalm 23 (Jason Upton)
Build a Tower (Jacob and Lily)
Hallelujah (K.D. Lang)
Pray (Kendall Payne)
Have you caught the mood? It’s also a fairly accurate reflection of the new music I’ve been listening to lately. And yes, I know that the same song appears on there twice, only performed by two different artists. That would be because I love the song, and I love both versions, and certain parts of that song quite nicely fit my mood of late, as well as highlighting themes in my life this last year. I realized as I was walking to work from the train this morning, that one song is missing - I'll have to add it tonight. Rescue Me (Rik Leaf).
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Quick Rant
Okay, so I was just doing a bit of price comparison for one of the last Christmas gifts I have left to buy. I'm buying a book for someone, a Christian book, so I checked the local Christian bookstore, I checked a local Chapters store, and I checked Chapters online store.
The Christian bookstore was going to charge me $22.99.
Chapters was going to charge me $16.99 less 10%.
Chapters online is charging $12.26.
And I don't have to pay shipping, because I ordered a couple of other items I've been looking for, again, at reduced prices, and so the shipping is free. And the items should still easily be here in time for Christmas.
Why are Christian bookstores so much more costly? I think I'm going to do most of my bookshopping online from now on...
The Christian bookstore was going to charge me $22.99.
Chapters was going to charge me $16.99 less 10%.
Chapters online is charging $12.26.
And I don't have to pay shipping, because I ordered a couple of other items I've been looking for, again, at reduced prices, and so the shipping is free. And the items should still easily be here in time for Christmas.
Why are Christian bookstores so much more costly? I think I'm going to do most of my bookshopping online from now on...
Light-headed thoughts
I'm extraordinarily light-headed today. I can't move quickly or I get dizzy. I try not to stand up too fast, or spin around to address someone. Not the most pleasant, but not completely debilitating
While on the c-train this morning I noticed something that confirmed the arrival of the winter season. Amid the usual cacophony of the c-train car rattling and shaking, the wind whistling by the less than airtight doors, dozens of conversations, ringing cell phones, music played too loud through headphones, there was an additional set of noises. There was coughing, sneezing, sniffling, and a woman nearby was making a sort of grunting noise every few seconds as she attempted to breathe around her cold symptoms. And as I stood there, attempting not to pass out, I reflected that winter has indeed arrived.
With that, I'm off to continue spending money on postage. Not my money, my office's money. A couple thousand dollars a day lately, as we work to send out people's renewals. Isn't that the gift you always wanted at Christmas - a bill for your home insurance?
Christmas shopping to complete tonight, and a plan to make some Christmas cards to be mailed out sometime this week to my friends spread out across the face of the planet.
While on the c-train this morning I noticed something that confirmed the arrival of the winter season. Amid the usual cacophony of the c-train car rattling and shaking, the wind whistling by the less than airtight doors, dozens of conversations, ringing cell phones, music played too loud through headphones, there was an additional set of noises. There was coughing, sneezing, sniffling, and a woman nearby was making a sort of grunting noise every few seconds as she attempted to breathe around her cold symptoms. And as I stood there, attempting not to pass out, I reflected that winter has indeed arrived.
With that, I'm off to continue spending money on postage. Not my money, my office's money. A couple thousand dollars a day lately, as we work to send out people's renewals. Isn't that the gift you always wanted at Christmas - a bill for your home insurance?
Christmas shopping to complete tonight, and a plan to make some Christmas cards to be mailed out sometime this week to my friends spread out across the face of the planet.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Lonely...
I’m actually really lonely right now. I spent the evening out with youth kids and my youngest brother. It was fun – we saw a movie at the “cheap” theatre, and then went to someone’s house and made crepes with fruit and whipped cream and ice cream. A good way to spend an evening I suppose.
But it underscored some things for me.
One, it’s a harder transition than I thought to be involved as a youth leader again. Especially with kids I don’t really know, where I’m still feeling out personalities and the inter-group dynamics. It’s going to take me a while to hit the balance between “leader” and “friend.” Ideally, I’d like to be both to these girls, but we’ll have to see how things go.
Second, I really miss having people around that share a level of heart connect with me. I miss breakfast dates with Kari, and dinner and movies with Megs. I miss seeing people my own age at church on Sunday nights, people who are in the same, post-university stage of life as me. It’s a whole other ball game to hang out with sixteen and seventeen year olds again. At the risk of sounding really sorry for myself, it really sucks that everyone has left Calgary. Rae is the last one left, and I’m making a road trip to Vancouver at the end of the month to help her move. Then, I will be officially friendless in Calgary.
I miss having people that I can talk really openly with about spiritual things. I miss the friends and mentors that have been around at various points in the last few years.
And, I was doing okay the last couple weeks being in Calgary, but today was not a great day. I came home from work lonely, I went out with kids because it was better than staying at home and feeling sorry for myself, but I came home from that lonely too. This is one of those days that underscores how badly I want to be someplace else right now. How badly I want to live in community with people that I share heart connect and passions with. How badly I want to NOT be in Calgary, not still be in my parent’s home (which I start paying rent for on January 1st!) How slightly dislocated and unsure about what the next steps are I really am…
Yep… that’s my night. See you soon.
But it underscored some things for me.
One, it’s a harder transition than I thought to be involved as a youth leader again. Especially with kids I don’t really know, where I’m still feeling out personalities and the inter-group dynamics. It’s going to take me a while to hit the balance between “leader” and “friend.” Ideally, I’d like to be both to these girls, but we’ll have to see how things go.
Second, I really miss having people around that share a level of heart connect with me. I miss breakfast dates with Kari, and dinner and movies with Megs. I miss seeing people my own age at church on Sunday nights, people who are in the same, post-university stage of life as me. It’s a whole other ball game to hang out with sixteen and seventeen year olds again. At the risk of sounding really sorry for myself, it really sucks that everyone has left Calgary. Rae is the last one left, and I’m making a road trip to Vancouver at the end of the month to help her move. Then, I will be officially friendless in Calgary.
I miss having people that I can talk really openly with about spiritual things. I miss the friends and mentors that have been around at various points in the last few years.
And, I was doing okay the last couple weeks being in Calgary, but today was not a great day. I came home from work lonely, I went out with kids because it was better than staying at home and feeling sorry for myself, but I came home from that lonely too. This is one of those days that underscores how badly I want to be someplace else right now. How badly I want to live in community with people that I share heart connect and passions with. How badly I want to NOT be in Calgary, not still be in my parent’s home (which I start paying rent for on January 1st!) How slightly dislocated and unsure about what the next steps are I really am…
Yep… that’s my night. See you soon.
Quote for today
“The point of having an open mind, like having an open mouth, is to close it on something solid.”
— G. K. Chesterton
— G. K. Chesterton
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Me
I like this photo of me. I took it using the camera on my new computer. The only thing that would make me happier is if I was wearing my glasses in it. But I can't figure out how to take a picture without getting bad reflection in my glasses, and without popping the lenses out of my frames. So, for the moment, this is me!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
If it be your will...
I was listening to Jann Arden tonight, as I sat at my computer to reflect on the CBC documentary I mentioned in my previous post a few minutes ago. As I listened, I was caught by the words of this song... It's an old Leonard Cohen song, but as I listened, I couldn't help but be caught by the intensity of the lyrics, particularly from after the first verse to the end. (Not that I don't love the first verse...) This prayer, this song, this prophetic cry grabbed my heart. I have spent so much of the last year learning about the beauty in brokenness, and I can 't help but cry out with the song, " If it be your will/That a voice be true/From this broken hill/I will sing to you/From this broken hill/All your praises they shall ring." I'm standing here Jesus, singing your praises in the midst of the brokenness, "let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell."
If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will
If it be your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to you
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
to make us well
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will
If it be your will
If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will
If it be your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to you
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
to make us well
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will
If it be your will
powered by performancing firefox
Kingdom Justice
I just saw this stat on CBC's "The Nature of Things" which was profiling Stephen Lewis.
The US spends $8 Billion a Month on Iraq.
It spent $8.3 Billion on Aids last year.
A challenging and painful thought coming on the heels of reading Shane Claiborne's book, and listening to a couple of messages by Claiborne that I downloaded from the internet.
I've got to be honest and tell you that when the US first went into Iraq, I was strongly in favor of the idea. To be honest, I wrestle still with the issues. Do I think it's probably a good thing that a dictator like Hussein has been removed? Yes. Do I still think that the American intervention is a completely good idea? No. Do I think the US should just drop everything and withdraw? I'm not sure.
And Saddam being sentenced to death... that's a conflicted thought for me too. Does part of me feel that this person who inflicted suffering on so many deserves to die? Yes. Does another part of me wonder if we are really valuing human life if we take another life as the price for those he killed? Yes.
My thinking has been changed this last while. I've been reading and talking, listening and thinking. I'm being ruined. I don't fit so well in some of the conservative circles my family and the church I grew up in inhabit. And yet they are also so much a part of me. I am asking questions about what justice looks like.
I watched this special on Stephen Lewis, and wanted to weep. I watched these beautiful African grandmothers weeping as they describe watching their children die from aids, and then describing what it is like to now be caring for their HIV positive grandchildren.
My heart broke and I was left asking - Jesus, who will care for these orphans, these widows, these broken human beings. I feel powerless and yet empowered. I live in a wealthy country. I have a bit of money to spare. I want to make a difference.
I am asking what the justice of God's kingdom looks like. I am looking to discuss, to debate, to understand this issue. I am being broken for the poor, for the women, for the orphans and widows and homeless, for the aliens. I am after God's heart, and I think my life is being forever changed.
The US spends $8 Billion a Month on Iraq.
It spent $8.3 Billion on Aids last year.
A challenging and painful thought coming on the heels of reading Shane Claiborne's book, and listening to a couple of messages by Claiborne that I downloaded from the internet.
I've got to be honest and tell you that when the US first went into Iraq, I was strongly in favor of the idea. To be honest, I wrestle still with the issues. Do I think it's probably a good thing that a dictator like Hussein has been removed? Yes. Do I still think that the American intervention is a completely good idea? No. Do I think the US should just drop everything and withdraw? I'm not sure.
And Saddam being sentenced to death... that's a conflicted thought for me too. Does part of me feel that this person who inflicted suffering on so many deserves to die? Yes. Does another part of me wonder if we are really valuing human life if we take another life as the price for those he killed? Yes.
My thinking has been changed this last while. I've been reading and talking, listening and thinking. I'm being ruined. I don't fit so well in some of the conservative circles my family and the church I grew up in inhabit. And yet they are also so much a part of me. I am asking questions about what justice looks like.
I watched this special on Stephen Lewis, and wanted to weep. I watched these beautiful African grandmothers weeping as they describe watching their children die from aids, and then describing what it is like to now be caring for their HIV positive grandchildren.
My heart broke and I was left asking - Jesus, who will care for these orphans, these widows, these broken human beings. I feel powerless and yet empowered. I live in a wealthy country. I have a bit of money to spare. I want to make a difference.
I am asking what the justice of God's kingdom looks like. I am looking to discuss, to debate, to understand this issue. I am being broken for the poor, for the women, for the orphans and widows and homeless, for the aliens. I am after God's heart, and I think my life is being forever changed.
powered by performancing firefox
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Inspired by My Baby Brother
My youngest brother challenges and inspires me to deeper things.
He's gone through a lot lately - had to give up music for a season (which is his passion and what he's studying in school) in order to physically heal from an injury to his wrist, and some other things. And through it all he's sought to find God, fought for peace and patience.
Then, the last couple of days he's gone through some personal and relational stuff. Nothing I can write details about, but he's been quite hurt by someone. If it were me, I'd probably hate the person, and encourage everyone I know to be equally hateful and mean. Instead, he's opted to ease out of the relationship for a season, but has asked my other brother and I to continue to build relationships, to care for and mentor this person who has hurt him so badly.
I was thinking about that on the train this morning. He asked me last night to continue to build relationship with this person, and I take the train with him on Tuesdays for the first half of our respective commutes. We chatted a bit about it and about some other things, and after I left him and continued on my way to work I was thinking about his response. We both care deeply about people, but when push comes to shove, my brother manages to model for me a far less judgemental and loving attitude in the face of tension than I have managed.
And so, today I've been challenged to be accepting in how I see and treat people that have hurt me. Do I write them off, or do I continue to wish the best for them, to want to see them continue to develop as people and as followers of Christ?
He's gone through a lot lately - had to give up music for a season (which is his passion and what he's studying in school) in order to physically heal from an injury to his wrist, and some other things. And through it all he's sought to find God, fought for peace and patience.
Then, the last couple of days he's gone through some personal and relational stuff. Nothing I can write details about, but he's been quite hurt by someone. If it were me, I'd probably hate the person, and encourage everyone I know to be equally hateful and mean. Instead, he's opted to ease out of the relationship for a season, but has asked my other brother and I to continue to build relationships, to care for and mentor this person who has hurt him so badly.
I was thinking about that on the train this morning. He asked me last night to continue to build relationship with this person, and I take the train with him on Tuesdays for the first half of our respective commutes. We chatted a bit about it and about some other things, and after I left him and continued on my way to work I was thinking about his response. We both care deeply about people, but when push comes to shove, my brother manages to model for me a far less judgemental and loving attitude in the face of tension than I have managed.
And so, today I've been challenged to be accepting in how I see and treat people that have hurt me. Do I write them off, or do I continue to wish the best for them, to want to see them continue to develop as people and as followers of Christ?
Backwards
Loving this song by Kendall Payne today... Particularly the chorus.
Backwards
You can’t go backwards you must go forward
You have not been what you could be
When you are the only one who enslaves you
Then you’re the only one who can set you free
Don’t run away, question the answers
Live your life like it’s on fire
You’re one mistake is to think that you’ve made one
Don’t run away
You can’t have mountains without the valleys
You can’t go high if you won’t go deep
You can’t do over what you’ve done already
Expecting something new to see
I will not be bought, will not be caged
Won’t stay behind my walls where it is safe
No I’m tired of trying to compensate for you
For you…
Backwards
You can’t go backwards you must go forward
You have not been what you could be
When you are the only one who enslaves you
Then you’re the only one who can set you free
Don’t run away, question the answers
Live your life like it’s on fire
You’re one mistake is to think that you’ve made one
Don’t run away
You can’t have mountains without the valleys
You can’t go high if you won’t go deep
You can’t do over what you’ve done already
Expecting something new to see
I will not be bought, will not be caged
Won’t stay behind my walls where it is safe
No I’m tired of trying to compensate for you
For you…
Sunday, December 03, 2006
First Post from the New Computer
I'm sitting at my desk, typing on a wireless keyboard, and the words are quite magically appearing on my laptop screen, set on a stand so that the screen is at eye level, thus avoiding a crick in my neck from constantly looking down. The switch from PC to Mac went quite smoothly, and I haven't yet regretted my purchase!
To be honest with you, tonight I'm tired and a bit discouraged. Driving standard is not going well at all. I went out to do an errand tonight, and almost didn't make it home. I never stall when there's no traffic around and loads of time, only when I'm at important intersections and there are people waiting. I've become intimately aquainted with the hazard lights on my vehicle.
I had a great afternoon yesterday. Rachel came over, brought her pictures of China, and helped my decorate our Christmas tree. We decided that it looks very much like a showroom or store tree. At any rate, it's beautiful. I do love the Christmas season. It's a break in the middle of winter (which I hate) that is filled with lights and joy and anticipation, family and friends, and lots of communing over great food. We should have seasons like this more often throughout the year. Rae brought me a beautiful journal from China, and a pair of chopsticks (because she says that everyone should have chopsticks direct from China!) I'm going to miss her when she moves at the end of the month. When that happens, I will be officially without close confidante type friends in Calgary. Sad. But, on the upside, I may make a whirlwind roadtrip to Vancouver at the end of the month in a rental mini-van to help Rae move. So that will be fun!
Church was nice this morning. Very reflective. To be honest (sorry Eric!) I didn't hear much of the sermon, because I was inspired to write. So, I wrote a bit for my book. Have I mentioned that I'm writing a book? Should be easier to find inspiring places to write now that I have a laptop. I've been having a hard time with being in Calgary the last while. In fact, I know that I need to get out, but the timing hasn't worked thus far. It's been hard to write here (evidenced by the fact that more than half of what I've written for my book thus far has been written on weekend trips out of town!). But, at least with the laptop I can pack myself up and go curl up in a coffee shop somewhere and write for a couple of hours. Maybe a change in scenery will help!
And with that, I'm off to do some reading and probably crawl into bed. Monday morning comes early (especially since I'm still taking the train) and I want to feel like I at least made the attempt to rest before tackling work for a new week!
To be honest with you, tonight I'm tired and a bit discouraged. Driving standard is not going well at all. I went out to do an errand tonight, and almost didn't make it home. I never stall when there's no traffic around and loads of time, only when I'm at important intersections and there are people waiting. I've become intimately aquainted with the hazard lights on my vehicle.
I had a great afternoon yesterday. Rachel came over, brought her pictures of China, and helped my decorate our Christmas tree. We decided that it looks very much like a showroom or store tree. At any rate, it's beautiful. I do love the Christmas season. It's a break in the middle of winter (which I hate) that is filled with lights and joy and anticipation, family and friends, and lots of communing over great food. We should have seasons like this more often throughout the year. Rae brought me a beautiful journal from China, and a pair of chopsticks (because she says that everyone should have chopsticks direct from China!) I'm going to miss her when she moves at the end of the month. When that happens, I will be officially without close confidante type friends in Calgary. Sad. But, on the upside, I may make a whirlwind roadtrip to Vancouver at the end of the month in a rental mini-van to help Rae move. So that will be fun!
Church was nice this morning. Very reflective. To be honest (sorry Eric!) I didn't hear much of the sermon, because I was inspired to write. So, I wrote a bit for my book. Have I mentioned that I'm writing a book? Should be easier to find inspiring places to write now that I have a laptop. I've been having a hard time with being in Calgary the last while. In fact, I know that I need to get out, but the timing hasn't worked thus far. It's been hard to write here (evidenced by the fact that more than half of what I've written for my book thus far has been written on weekend trips out of town!). But, at least with the laptop I can pack myself up and go curl up in a coffee shop somewhere and write for a couple of hours. Maybe a change in scenery will help!
And with that, I'm off to do some reading and probably crawl into bed. Monday morning comes early (especially since I'm still taking the train) and I want to feel like I at least made the attempt to rest before tackling work for a new week!
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Quoting Claiborne
I'm still reading "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne. I'm continually amazed when I pick up books that clearly articulate some of the things that I've been thinking about, or the things that are challenging me internally.
Now, here's the deal, I am far too selfish a person to happily live the kind of lifestyle that Clairborne lives. I value my possessions a bit too highly perhaps. I don't want to be arrested. But, I am challenged by Clairborne's thoughts anyway. And, I want you to read a couple of paragraphs that I read while I was laying in the bathtub tonight. They so clearly articulate some of the things I've been wondering about church for the last year - some of the things that were a catalyst in the recent switch I made in church communities.
He writes:
"The gospel is good news for sick people and is disturbing for those who think they've got it all together. Some of us have been told our whole lives that we are wretched, but the gospel reminds us that we are beautiful. Others of us have been told our whole lives that we are beautiful, but the gospel reminds us that we are also wretched. The church is a place where we can stand up and say we are wretched, and everyone will nod and agree and remind us that we are also beautiful.
...Community can be built around a common self-righteousness or around a common brokenness. Both are magnetic. People are drawn toward folks who have it all together, or who look like they do. People are also drawn toward folks who know they don't have it all together and are not willing to fake it.
Christianity can be build around isolating ourselves from evildoers and sinners, creating a community of religious piety and moral purity. That's the Christianity I grew up with. Christianity can also be built around joining with the broken sinners and evildoers of our world crying out to God, groaning for grace. That's the Christianity I have fallen in love with."
Seriously, people, you need to check out this book. Even if, like me, you could never manage to ascribe to the kind of lifestyle that Clairborne and his friends live out on a daily basis, you need to have your thinking challenged in this manner. You need to be inspired to make little changes in your lifestyle, by the stories of beauty that result from the big and little changes Claiborne talks about.
I fell in love somewhere over the course of the last year with a Jesus whose grace is scandalous. A Jesus who gives beauty for ashes. A Jesus who seems more interested in the sinners than in the morally pure. And along the way I've been told that I was crazy (literally, someone told me I needed counselling), I've been confused because I couldn't find this Jesus in some of the communities I was a part of, and I've been overwhelmed by the places and things I've found myself walking into because of this crazy, scandalously gracious lover of mine. But it's been worth it! Even if my life has been ruined!
Now, here's the deal, I am far too selfish a person to happily live the kind of lifestyle that Clairborne lives. I value my possessions a bit too highly perhaps. I don't want to be arrested. But, I am challenged by Clairborne's thoughts anyway. And, I want you to read a couple of paragraphs that I read while I was laying in the bathtub tonight. They so clearly articulate some of the things I've been wondering about church for the last year - some of the things that were a catalyst in the recent switch I made in church communities.
He writes:
"The gospel is good news for sick people and is disturbing for those who think they've got it all together. Some of us have been told our whole lives that we are wretched, but the gospel reminds us that we are beautiful. Others of us have been told our whole lives that we are beautiful, but the gospel reminds us that we are also wretched. The church is a place where we can stand up and say we are wretched, and everyone will nod and agree and remind us that we are also beautiful.
...Community can be built around a common self-righteousness or around a common brokenness. Both are magnetic. People are drawn toward folks who have it all together, or who look like they do. People are also drawn toward folks who know they don't have it all together and are not willing to fake it.
Christianity can be build around isolating ourselves from evildoers and sinners, creating a community of religious piety and moral purity. That's the Christianity I grew up with. Christianity can also be built around joining with the broken sinners and evildoers of our world crying out to God, groaning for grace. That's the Christianity I have fallen in love with."
Seriously, people, you need to check out this book. Even if, like me, you could never manage to ascribe to the kind of lifestyle that Clairborne and his friends live out on a daily basis, you need to have your thinking challenged in this manner. You need to be inspired to make little changes in your lifestyle, by the stories of beauty that result from the big and little changes Claiborne talks about.
I fell in love somewhere over the course of the last year with a Jesus whose grace is scandalous. A Jesus who gives beauty for ashes. A Jesus who seems more interested in the sinners than in the morally pure. And along the way I've been told that I was crazy (literally, someone told me I needed counselling), I've been confused because I couldn't find this Jesus in some of the communities I was a part of, and I've been overwhelmed by the places and things I've found myself walking into because of this crazy, scandalously gracious lover of mine. But it's been worth it! Even if my life has been ruined!
Friday, December 01, 2006
Christmas Shopping
I think I'm going to do some of my Christmas shopping either here or here this year.
Particularly for my parents and grandma. I'd rather give them something that makes a difference in the world, than scrounge to find things for people that are hard to shop for anyway! Plus, I know they'll appreciate it! So, here's to giving goats and cows and pigs this year!
Particularly for my parents and grandma. I'd rather give them something that makes a difference in the world, than scrounge to find things for people that are hard to shop for anyway! Plus, I know they'll appreciate it! So, here's to giving goats and cows and pigs this year!
Fun new toy
I bought a new computer last night. A laptop. A Mac. I'm very excited.
I am, however, not writing this post on my new computer. I'm at work, without the new computer.
I think my dad may be more excited about the purchase than I am. We are now "Mac" buddies as he made the switch to a Mac last week. He called me at work a few minutes ago, something he never does, to give me an idea about how to make my transition between computers go more smoothly!
Okay, with that said, I'm off. I may not be blogging much this weekend, I'm planning to be quite busy. Decorating our house for Christmas, my brother's choir concert, transitioning computers, laundry, reading, and practicing driving a standard.
I am, however, not writing this post on my new computer. I'm at work, without the new computer.
I think my dad may be more excited about the purchase than I am. We are now "Mac" buddies as he made the switch to a Mac last week. He called me at work a few minutes ago, something he never does, to give me an idea about how to make my transition between computers go more smoothly!
Okay, with that said, I'm off. I may not be blogging much this weekend, I'm planning to be quite busy. Decorating our house for Christmas, my brother's choir concert, transitioning computers, laundry, reading, and practicing driving a standard.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
The Safety of Fear
I would like to suggest that the Church become a place of terror again; a place where God continually has to tell us, "Fear not"; a place where our relationship with God is not a simple belief or doctrine or theology, it is God’s burning presence in our lives. I am suggesting that the tame God of relevance be replaced by the God whose very presence shatters our egos into dust, burns our sin into ashes, and strips us naked to reveal the real person within. The Church needs to become a gloriously dangerous place where nothing is safe in God’s presence except us. Nothing—including our plans, our agendas, our priorities, our politics, our money, our security, our comfort, our possessions, our needs. (Mike Yaconelli, "The Safety of Fear," found here.)
I love this thought. Actually, I've loved quite a lot of the things Mike Yaconelli had to say. But this one caught my attention this morning. I was particularly captured by the lines I made bold. Wow! Very close to a number of other things and thoughts that I've been bumping into the last couple of weeks.
I love this thought. Actually, I've loved quite a lot of the things Mike Yaconelli had to say. But this one caught my attention this morning. I was particularly captured by the lines I made bold. Wow! Very close to a number of other things and thoughts that I've been bumping into the last couple of weeks.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
On my radar this week
- Podcasts.... particularly these two: "Entertaining Ideas" by Rik Leaf. Made me laugh out loud, and possibly even think a little bit! "Untodeep Cast" by Marty Nish. I've listened to it once and will listen again and then leave my response on Marty's blog, but I like the way he's thinking, and it's inspiring some mental wrestling in me.
- Jacob and Lily's new CD "The Cathedral" - arrived in the mail last night, and I've been enjoying it ever since. I've been waiting all month for it to arrive, and was delighted to find it waiting for me when I arrived home from work last night.
- The converstation going on here at Lauren's blog about the things I wrote in my post titled "The Moral High Ground". I'm always excited when people are talking about the importance of love versus the importance of being right. It makes me happy when someone starts seeing people instead of issues.
- Passion tea. I bought a box from Starbucks, and it makes me happy. Plus, it warms me up after the fifteen minute walk in the freezing weather from the c-train to my office.
- The fact that the weather is finally going to warm up a bit. I'm running out of sweaters to wear to work.
- Youth ministry. I suddenly find myself in youth ministry at the church I've decided to settle into for this next season. Totally excited, a little nervous as I spent quite a bit of the last several years being told that I had nothing to say, or nothing to contribute, completely anticipating what God might be doing with this group of young people. I see traces of Him in the fact that a tiny church (like 90 people), that has until about two months ago offered nothing for youth, has 15-25 youth filling the back two or three rows every Sunday. Mostly kids who don't come from a Christian background at all, and met Jesus somewhere along the way, and are hungry to know more about Him. So fun! Planning coffee and tea dates, and thinking about the Bible study I'll be doing in the new year.
- Driving standard. This is not so happy. I think I hate it. I don't particularly like driving to begin with, and the whole standard thing stresses me out. I'm okay as long as there isn't heavy traffic, or I don't have to stop a whole lot. The icy roads have not been helping. I drove to pick up my brother last night, and by the time I got there, and phoned to let him know I'd arrived, the only thing I said on the call was "I'm here. You're driving home." I feel like I have hardly any control of the vehicle on the icy roads, and that makes me nervous, especially since the car is a loan from my best friend who is currently enjoying warmer weather in Nepal.
- Looking forward to the weekend. It's my job every year to decorate the Christmas tree, and I'm going to do that this weekend. I'm also looking forward to going to my brother's Christmas choir concert on Friday night. He may hate the fact that he's in choir, but I do love the majesty of the group of them singing - and I love Christmas music too!
- My brother is still navigating what exactly it means to be a guitar student, in music school, who is not allowed to play the guitar. Choir is a requirement of his program, but he hates it. We were talking the other day about whether he'd continue to work at our church as a worship leader, using just his voice, and his comment, which cracked me us was, "I'd rather lead worship naked, with my guitar, than fully clothed without it." Do all musicians think this way?
- Have a good day!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Why we speak...
I came across these two quotes in Shane Claiborne's book, "The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical" and was quite struck by them.
Sometimes we speak to change the world; other times we speak to keep the world from changing us. (p.123)
Our programs revolve around the needs and gifts in our community and are always changing. They never define us, for we set out not to start programs but simply to be good neighbors. (p. 125)
(By the way, if you can pick this book up, I reccommend it. Claiborne simply tells stories, make suggestions, talks about the community he's involved in, and what he believes following Christ should actually look like. My friends Andy and Marty were raving about it after reading only a chapter or two each, so I picked it up and haven't regretted it.)
Sometimes we speak to change the world; other times we speak to keep the world from changing us. (p.123)
Our programs revolve around the needs and gifts in our community and are always changing. They never define us, for we set out not to start programs but simply to be good neighbors. (p. 125)
(By the way, if you can pick this book up, I reccommend it. Claiborne simply tells stories, make suggestions, talks about the community he's involved in, and what he believes following Christ should actually look like. My friends Andy and Marty were raving about it after reading only a chapter or two each, so I picked it up and haven't regretted it.)
Monday, November 27, 2006
Moral High Ground?
A month or so back, Kirk put this post up on his blog. It's haunted me every now and then ever since.
When he put it up, I responded to it in this way:
Kirk, thanks for sharing this, and for loving this young man, and carrying him and his story along with you each day.
I have an aunt who is a lesbian - long time committed relationship with her partner. A friend's uncle is gay, and most likely dieing slowly from HIV AIDS.
It's not worth it to me to take a militant stance on gay marriage or really anything else. It's all about people. We are blinded by the issue and stop seeing the people, and then things get dangerous, and messy, and we get video games that depict Christians laughing as people are slaughtered. I just want to love on people the way Christ loved on me and brought healing in my life. I wrote about that this morning on my blog... sharing the love and mercy that was passed on to me.
Gray areas are clarified and intensified in the cleansing mercy of Christ, the mercy that identifies us all equally as sinners and, if we choose to receive it, equally as saints.
I still feel like this. If we lose the people in the midst of the issue, why bother? The person is so much more important than protecting some sort of moral high ground. I'm tired of a Christianity that is so much more concerned about the way it looks, and the power it has in a culture, than it is about the people of that culture (be it North American or elsewhere). I'm tired of the moral high ground. The high ground is lonely, and there is no variety in the people it contains.
I've been thinking about a comment Jason Upton made in the teaching that Marty loaded onto my ipod from the conference we were at a few weeks ago. Upton was speaking about this striving in the church to be relevant to culture, and he made this observation that has caught at me ever since... "Jesus was not relevant. He was common." Wow. Huge difference. Forget the moral high ground, let's become common and really love people. Maybe if we love them, we can introduce them to the reason for that love. And if not, well, we loved them, and that is never something wasted.
When he put it up, I responded to it in this way:
Kirk, thanks for sharing this, and for loving this young man, and carrying him and his story along with you each day.
I have an aunt who is a lesbian - long time committed relationship with her partner. A friend's uncle is gay, and most likely dieing slowly from HIV AIDS.
It's not worth it to me to take a militant stance on gay marriage or really anything else. It's all about people. We are blinded by the issue and stop seeing the people, and then things get dangerous, and messy, and we get video games that depict Christians laughing as people are slaughtered. I just want to love on people the way Christ loved on me and brought healing in my life. I wrote about that this morning on my blog... sharing the love and mercy that was passed on to me.
Gray areas are clarified and intensified in the cleansing mercy of Christ, the mercy that identifies us all equally as sinners and, if we choose to receive it, equally as saints.
I still feel like this. If we lose the people in the midst of the issue, why bother? The person is so much more important than protecting some sort of moral high ground. I'm tired of a Christianity that is so much more concerned about the way it looks, and the power it has in a culture, than it is about the people of that culture (be it North American or elsewhere). I'm tired of the moral high ground. The high ground is lonely, and there is no variety in the people it contains.
I've been thinking about a comment Jason Upton made in the teaching that Marty loaded onto my ipod from the conference we were at a few weeks ago. Upton was speaking about this striving in the church to be relevant to culture, and he made this observation that has caught at me ever since... "Jesus was not relevant. He was common." Wow. Huge difference. Forget the moral high ground, let's become common and really love people. Maybe if we love them, we can introduce them to the reason for that love. And if not, well, we loved them, and that is never something wasted.
-39 Celsius
That's what the temperature is with wind chill. And I'm about to spend the next hour either walking in it, waiting for a train in it, or riding on a drafty train in it. And the forecast for tomorrow is exactly the same. I've thought about taking the chance and driving, but the roads suck, so it would be a HUGE chance just to prevent my freezing to death. So, outside or on a drafty train for the next hour and a bit.
Have I mentioned that everywhere I'm thinking of moving is either coastal or significantly south of Calgary, or both?
Have I mentioned that everywhere I'm thinking of moving is either coastal or significantly south of Calgary, or both?
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Quiet Weekend
I'm thankful for a relatively quiet weekend. I did little things. I practiced driving (by the way - there could not have been a worse week of weather for me to be attempting to learn to drive a standard - freezing cold, snowing, and icy roads.) Tomorrow I will take the train to work again, because I'm not confident enough yet to drive on major roads in icy conditions. It's going to be -25, but -38 (celsius) with the windchill. Lovely. I don't think I own enough clothing to layer up and keep me warm as I walk from the train to my office.
The Christmasy busyness starts this week with my brother's choir concert. I heard them sing some of the songs tonight, and they sounded good. (He hates choir, by the way. It's a requirement of his program - guitar major - at school. He has to wear this awful lavender colored dress shirt, and he mostly just hates singing. In fact, he has to work to smile during performances so people don't know how painful he finds it.)
I'm meeting tomorrow night with one of the pastors at the church I've settled on attending for this next season while I'm still in Calgary. We're going to talk more formally about how I can be involved with the youth and young adults in the church - how I can help him out since he needs a female leader. (I'm driving there - pray that I won't crash or something!)
And with that, I'm off to read and journal in bed for a bit. I'm tired - seems to be a pretty common state these days. To be honest, winter tends to send all thought and emotion more deeply internal within me, and then I spend half my time exhausted and the other half figuring out what the issues, thoughts and emotions are that are making me so exhausted!
The Christmasy busyness starts this week with my brother's choir concert. I heard them sing some of the songs tonight, and they sounded good. (He hates choir, by the way. It's a requirement of his program - guitar major - at school. He has to wear this awful lavender colored dress shirt, and he mostly just hates singing. In fact, he has to work to smile during performances so people don't know how painful he finds it.)
I'm meeting tomorrow night with one of the pastors at the church I've settled on attending for this next season while I'm still in Calgary. We're going to talk more formally about how I can be involved with the youth and young adults in the church - how I can help him out since he needs a female leader. (I'm driving there - pray that I won't crash or something!)
And with that, I'm off to read and journal in bed for a bit. I'm tired - seems to be a pretty common state these days. To be honest, winter tends to send all thought and emotion more deeply internal within me, and then I spend half my time exhausted and the other half figuring out what the issues, thoughts and emotions are that are making me so exhausted!
Friday, November 24, 2006
Do Not Drink?
Okay, so I was emailing my friend Marty the other day, and sent him these pictures, because I had told him about them a couple weeks ago, and promised to pass them along. They were taken when I went out to the West Coast at the end of September. They're from the bathroom at the toll booth at the top of the Coquihalla highway...
Okay, you have to wonder... are they having a regular problem with people drinking from the toilets? Someone had to have tried it, or there wouldn't be a sign, right? And are people carrying a mug around, like the sign pictures, just waiting for the opportunity to dip the thing into the toilet and drink their fill?
I've developed a little bit of a reputation the last while for collecting odd signs found in bathrooms, and I didn't even notice this one immediately. My friend was in the stall next to me, and when we had both emerged to wash our hands, she turned to me and asked if I'd noticed the sign. I hadn't so I went back, and immediately cracked up. We ran out to the car quickly, grabbed the camera, and took these pictures.
So, that's my grand advice for the day - Don't drink from the toilet.
In Your Mercy, Hear Our Prayer
Was listening to some music on my ipod on my (very cold) commute into work this morning, and this song came on. It's a Steve Bell song, but one I hadn't heard in quite a while.
It seems to me that the lyrics project a very holistic theology - a concern for the environment, for the poor and brokenhearted, for those we love, and those we don't even know.
I was caught by it this morning, and hope the cry for the mercy of the Father in so many arenas of life will catch your hearts as well.
Hear our Prayer
Music by Steve Bell
Lyric by Steve Bell and Jamie Howison
Now we pray to You Father for peace in the world
For the right use of all You have given
A respect for creation in us be restored
Lord in Your mercy
Hear our prayer
And we pray for the poor of the world everywhere
And for all those who suffer from hunger and fear
For those who are homeless - for those who need care
Lord in Your mercy
Hear our prayer
Now we pray for those close to us, those who have needs
For the friends that we love and for all our families
For these loved ones we pray Jesus grant them Your peace
Lord in Your mercy
Hear our prayer
And we pray for ourselves for forgiveness of sins
For the evil around that is born from within
And we ask You oh God that You heal us again
Lord in Your mercy
Hear our prayer
Now in closing we ask You dear Father on our knees
Lord for mercy on all those we call our enemies
So that all might be one in Your love and Your peace
Lord in Your mercy
Hear our prayer
It seems to me that the lyrics project a very holistic theology - a concern for the environment, for the poor and brokenhearted, for those we love, and those we don't even know.
I was caught by it this morning, and hope the cry for the mercy of the Father in so many arenas of life will catch your hearts as well.
Hear our Prayer
Music by Steve Bell
Lyric by Steve Bell and Jamie Howison
Now we pray to You Father for peace in the world
For the right use of all You have given
A respect for creation in us be restored
Lord in Your mercy
Hear our prayer
And we pray for the poor of the world everywhere
And for all those who suffer from hunger and fear
For those who are homeless - for those who need care
Lord in Your mercy
Hear our prayer
Now we pray for those close to us, those who have needs
For the friends that we love and for all our families
For these loved ones we pray Jesus grant them Your peace
Lord in Your mercy
Hear our prayer
And we pray for ourselves for forgiveness of sins
For the evil around that is born from within
And we ask You oh God that You heal us again
Lord in Your mercy
Hear our prayer
Now in closing we ask You dear Father on our knees
Lord for mercy on all those we call our enemies
So that all might be one in Your love and Your peace
Lord in Your mercy
Hear our prayer
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Thank God it's Friday
Okay, so Friday doesn't officially start for another thirty minutes, and I'm going to sleep for about six hours before I officially kick off my Friday, but I'm definitely glad it's coming.
Work tomorrow will be mundane, but doable. I don't particularly love it, but I don't hate it. I like it, and that makes me happy.
I have tentative plans for a movie date tomorrow night with my dad. My mom is going to a seminar for the evening, and dad and I are thinking about going to see the new Will Ferrell movie, "Stranger than Fiction." We both find the premise intriguing.
I plan to spend the weekend reading, possibly writing, and mostly practicing driving. I took tonight off from the whole driving thing. I needed a break, and thanks to all the snow, the roads are crappy anyway!
And with that, I'm off to bed. See you all on the weekend!
Work tomorrow will be mundane, but doable. I don't particularly love it, but I don't hate it. I like it, and that makes me happy.
I have tentative plans for a movie date tomorrow night with my dad. My mom is going to a seminar for the evening, and dad and I are thinking about going to see the new Will Ferrell movie, "Stranger than Fiction." We both find the premise intriguing.
I plan to spend the weekend reading, possibly writing, and mostly practicing driving. I took tonight off from the whole driving thing. I needed a break, and thanks to all the snow, the roads are crappy anyway!
And with that, I'm off to bed. See you all on the weekend!
Morose
I just want to be up front. I've written about all kinds of moods on here. If you've been reading for a while, you've weathered the last year that I suffered from severe depression, you've weathered the season in which I came to the realization that God had healed that depression, you've hung around while I walked through very messy life stuff with a number of friends. You've seen happy and sad, up and down, and many things in between.
Today, I'm morose. Angry at life and possibly the world in general.
I had a nightmare last night. First one in a long time. Not happy. Terrorists, and a very sick, insulin dependent man. I was on an airplane again. There was a baby again. What is it with those two things showing up in my dreams, and what the heck do they mean?
In about two weeks we're going to have to put my very healthy dog, Shiloh, down. He tore his cruciate ligament last week, and the only options are surgery that costs a minimum of $1500, or give him anti-inflammatory drugs and hope like hell that this tiny chance actually occurs, and the ligament sort of reattaches itself. It's not looking good. I think he gets the pill for another two weeks, and then, because my parents aren't going to spend that kind of money on a pet, we're going to put him down. And I'm angry that it stares me in the face every time I move in our house. And I'm angry that it costs so much. And I'm angry that we have to do this. And I'm angry that it sort of makes sense as a financially responsible choice. And I'm grieving because, even though I would never choose on my own to have a pet, Shiloh has been part of our family for the last 13 years, and the whole situation sucks.
I'm also lonely. Seems all of my closest friends are now living elsewhere in the province, country, or world. No one to share heart connect with easily.
I'm confused about next steps. Life feels cloudy and tenuous as I am thinking about the future.
I feel a bit lost. Not sure how exactly to take who I am and make it fit in the church and circumstances of life that I find myself in. (Funny, isn't it, how I feel this way just a couple of weeks after dreaming every night about lost things....)
I'm discouraged for/with my brother. He's a music student prohibited from playing music. He doesn't know what the future holds.
It snowed three inches last night, and then the temperature dropped. I do not like winter. That would be why almost all of the places I'm considering either long-term or short-term moves to are either southern or coastal. Milder weather.
And, just to top everything off, driving standard is not going as smoothly as I'd hoped. I was doing pretty well last night, even managed to start on a hill a couple of times, and then, I turned into our alley, hit some ice, and slid out. I almost hit a fence. My brother had to come push me out. Following that, there was a slight debacle where I rolled down the entire length of the alley with my clutch in because every time I tried to hit the gas, my tires spun. Turns out I was in reverse, not first like I thought.
And, we're in the middle of crazy, stressful, busy, renewal season at work. Whoo hoo... I have a spreadsheet waiting for me... and we all know how much I LOVE numbers!
So there you have it. I am not so happy today. The nightmare is lingering, I'm on the brink of tears, and my muscles ache from jerking awake several times from the nightmare, plus the general tension of everything else that's going on. Hope you all have a far better day than me.
Today, I'm morose. Angry at life and possibly the world in general.
I had a nightmare last night. First one in a long time. Not happy. Terrorists, and a very sick, insulin dependent man. I was on an airplane again. There was a baby again. What is it with those two things showing up in my dreams, and what the heck do they mean?
In about two weeks we're going to have to put my very healthy dog, Shiloh, down. He tore his cruciate ligament last week, and the only options are surgery that costs a minimum of $1500, or give him anti-inflammatory drugs and hope like hell that this tiny chance actually occurs, and the ligament sort of reattaches itself. It's not looking good. I think he gets the pill for another two weeks, and then, because my parents aren't going to spend that kind of money on a pet, we're going to put him down. And I'm angry that it stares me in the face every time I move in our house. And I'm angry that it costs so much. And I'm angry that we have to do this. And I'm angry that it sort of makes sense as a financially responsible choice. And I'm grieving because, even though I would never choose on my own to have a pet, Shiloh has been part of our family for the last 13 years, and the whole situation sucks.
I'm also lonely. Seems all of my closest friends are now living elsewhere in the province, country, or world. No one to share heart connect with easily.
I'm confused about next steps. Life feels cloudy and tenuous as I am thinking about the future.
I feel a bit lost. Not sure how exactly to take who I am and make it fit in the church and circumstances of life that I find myself in. (Funny, isn't it, how I feel this way just a couple of weeks after dreaming every night about lost things....)
I'm discouraged for/with my brother. He's a music student prohibited from playing music. He doesn't know what the future holds.
It snowed three inches last night, and then the temperature dropped. I do not like winter. That would be why almost all of the places I'm considering either long-term or short-term moves to are either southern or coastal. Milder weather.
And, just to top everything off, driving standard is not going as smoothly as I'd hoped. I was doing pretty well last night, even managed to start on a hill a couple of times, and then, I turned into our alley, hit some ice, and slid out. I almost hit a fence. My brother had to come push me out. Following that, there was a slight debacle where I rolled down the entire length of the alley with my clutch in because every time I tried to hit the gas, my tires spun. Turns out I was in reverse, not first like I thought.
And, we're in the middle of crazy, stressful, busy, renewal season at work. Whoo hoo... I have a spreadsheet waiting for me... and we all know how much I LOVE numbers!
So there you have it. I am not so happy today. The nightmare is lingering, I'm on the brink of tears, and my muscles ache from jerking awake several times from the nightmare, plus the general tension of everything else that's going on. Hope you all have a far better day than me.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Foggy Brain
Do you ever have those days where everything just feels slow and foggy? Where thinking is almost painful?
I'm on my second day like that in a row.
I think this is partly what grief does to me, partly what exhaustion does to me, partly what deep underground thoughts do to me, and part stress from information overload.
Lovely, no?
If you think of it, say a prayer... It's only Tuesday, and I have quite a few more busy days to go before a day of rest comes around again.
And, in the midst of the brain fog, I have to practice driving a standard. Because I need to be proficient by December 1st, so that I don't have to pay for a bus pass AND car insurance for the month of December.
I'm on my second day like that in a row.
I think this is partly what grief does to me, partly what exhaustion does to me, partly what deep underground thoughts do to me, and part stress from information overload.
Lovely, no?
If you think of it, say a prayer... It's only Tuesday, and I have quite a few more busy days to go before a day of rest comes around again.
And, in the midst of the brain fog, I have to practice driving a standard. Because I need to be proficient by December 1st, so that I don't have to pay for a bus pass AND car insurance for the month of December.
Monday, November 20, 2006
I liked these thoughts...
I liked the question Dan King posed in this post. "What troubles my soul?" Something to think about. Something I think we need to consider. (And, I found his observations about Hannah interesting... I've been thinking about her story a lot lately... more on that another time.)
I also loved what Marty had to say in his latest post (found here.) I was at the conference he talks about, mostly for the last day, the day that Jason Upton wasn't speaking. I listened to all of Jason's teachings on my ipod over the course of this last week and felt bathed in truth. Listening to the gentleman teach on Saturday, all I felt was confused and emotionally manipulated - there's something wrong with me because I'm not having this or that experience during the course of the teaching.
I've mulled the contrast over quite a lot this week. To be honest, I'm grateful that I heard Jason's teachings after I had spent a day with the other guy. Because they balanced the manipulation with truth. They drew me back from the edges of confusion and even anger, and reminded me why this God is worth pursuing. He offers clear and simple truths. He doesn't manipulate. He wants us to listen and hear Him clearly.
I also loved what Marty had to say in his latest post (found here.) I was at the conference he talks about, mostly for the last day, the day that Jason Upton wasn't speaking. I listened to all of Jason's teachings on my ipod over the course of this last week and felt bathed in truth. Listening to the gentleman teach on Saturday, all I felt was confused and emotionally manipulated - there's something wrong with me because I'm not having this or that experience during the course of the teaching.
I've mulled the contrast over quite a lot this week. To be honest, I'm grateful that I heard Jason's teachings after I had spent a day with the other guy. Because they balanced the manipulation with truth. They drew me back from the edges of confusion and even anger, and reminded me why this God is worth pursuing. He offers clear and simple truths. He doesn't manipulate. He wants us to listen and hear Him clearly.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
What a day can hold...
At some point, I'll probably tell you about last weekend, up at Marty and Kari's. It was fabulous, but stirred in me some things that have left me confused and muddled inside, incapable of writing about it just yet.
Instead, let me tell you what I've weathered today (in no particular order)...
Instead, let me tell you what I've weathered today (in no particular order)...
- I have cried no less than 5 times, for a wide variety of reasons. Tears just seem to be my response to everything lately.
- I said goodbye to my best friend for the next three months.
- I ate baked ham and scalloped potatoes with my parents.
- I finished reading one book, and started another.
- I found out that my dog may have to be put down... we won't know for a month or so.
- I took possession of a car for the next three months.
- I drove my friend to the airport.
- I weathered the panic surrounding the 11th hour discovery that her passport was not, in fact, with her plane ticket, but in her home on the other side of the city.
- I took a hot bath.
- I waited for the passport to arrive, while wondering if she was going to miss her flight.
- I battled a severe tension headache into submission with a couple of ibuprofen, some food, and lots of water.
- I wrote a long journal entry, dumping some of my tension into typing with force.
- I held a self-pity party.
- I cleaned, and gave up on cleaning.
- I went shopping and bought books.
- I rented a movie to watch tomorrow afternoon.
- I craved a cup of tea, and then realized that I'm out of the kind I desperately wanted.
And did I mentioned I cried at least 5 times?
Here's to tomorrow being another day. I'm not sure I can survive too many more like today...
Friday, November 17, 2006
Editing
A real update coming in the next day or two, I promise!
I brought little speakers to work with me today. I was tired of listening to the same internet radio station over and over. So I brought speakers to work with me. They’ll let me play my ipod instead of whatever I happen to find on the internet.
I set them up, plugged the ipod in, and starting flipping through my playlists, trying to decide what music I wanted to start my morning with. I came quickly to the conclusion that I’d better stick to just playing albums for today, and do some work over the weekend to come up with “work appropriate” playlists for longer periods of listening!
It’s not that I listen to anything particularly raunchy. In fact, I can’t think of any songs that I wouldn’t play within earshot of my parents. But, I somehow don’t think that the Mennonites that I work for are going to be all that excited about songs on my country list with titles like “Whiskey Girl.” Ah, well, here’s to censoring that at least allows me to fill the monotony of putting mailing labels (two on each) on 4200 envelopes with some kind of music!
I brought little speakers to work with me today. I was tired of listening to the same internet radio station over and over. So I brought speakers to work with me. They’ll let me play my ipod instead of whatever I happen to find on the internet.
I set them up, plugged the ipod in, and starting flipping through my playlists, trying to decide what music I wanted to start my morning with. I came quickly to the conclusion that I’d better stick to just playing albums for today, and do some work over the weekend to come up with “work appropriate” playlists for longer periods of listening!
It’s not that I listen to anything particularly raunchy. In fact, I can’t think of any songs that I wouldn’t play within earshot of my parents. But, I somehow don’t think that the Mennonites that I work for are going to be all that excited about songs on my country list with titles like “Whiskey Girl.” Ah, well, here’s to censoring that at least allows me to fill the monotony of putting mailing labels (two on each) on 4200 envelopes with some kind of music!
Prayer Request for my Brother
I got the following email from my brother this morning, something he sent out to the church we're a part of. It was a situation I was aware of, but reading his words made me tear up a bit.
Hello friends and family,
I sent out a request for prayer regarding my wrist injury about a month ago, and I have an update about it. Unfortunutely my condition has become a great deal more serious to the point where I can't play my guitar without consistent pain, and my wrist often causes me pain regardless of whether I use it or not. Not being able to play guitar is a serious problem since I'm studying guitar at Rocky Mountain College. However, the school has granted me a health related leave of absense as long as I will agree to work hard at the healing process and stop using my wrist. They have been very gracious to me and have restructured my lessons and created a way for me to continue practical music training apart from playing guitar. I would ask your prayers for healing for my wrist, and especially for peace and joy despite these difficult circumstances. God is teaching me patience and trust in His plan, however these things are much more easily written than learned. I'm definetely feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated, but I believe God is teaching me to love Him more than music and athletics...definetely a challenging lesson for me. I appreciate your prayers very much, they mean a lot to me.
Thank you very much
Your brother in Christ
Tim
You need to understand that my brother is not only a guitar player, but a volleyball player. Guitar is his major form of self-expression, of worship, of tension release. It is his source of joy. He is my baby brother, and has a very tender heart - one that is constantly seeking after God. He is hurting right now. His school has told him that he is not even allowed to type papers on the computer. He is to completely avoid using his wrist (or at least as much as is humanly possible).
So, my mom and I will type his papers for school, and we will pray that God will intervene quickly with healing, and that, in the meantime, He will give Tim great peace and patience. I would appreciate it if you would pray with us.
Hello friends and family,
I sent out a request for prayer regarding my wrist injury about a month ago, and I have an update about it. Unfortunutely my condition has become a great deal more serious to the point where I can't play my guitar without consistent pain, and my wrist often causes me pain regardless of whether I use it or not. Not being able to play guitar is a serious problem since I'm studying guitar at Rocky Mountain College. However, the school has granted me a health related leave of absense as long as I will agree to work hard at the healing process and stop using my wrist. They have been very gracious to me and have restructured my lessons and created a way for me to continue practical music training apart from playing guitar. I would ask your prayers for healing for my wrist, and especially for peace and joy despite these difficult circumstances. God is teaching me patience and trust in His plan, however these things are much more easily written than learned. I'm definetely feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated, but I believe God is teaching me to love Him more than music and athletics...definetely a challenging lesson for me. I appreciate your prayers very much, they mean a lot to me.
Thank you very much
Your brother in Christ
Tim
You need to understand that my brother is not only a guitar player, but a volleyball player. Guitar is his major form of self-expression, of worship, of tension release. It is his source of joy. He is my baby brother, and has a very tender heart - one that is constantly seeking after God. He is hurting right now. His school has told him that he is not even allowed to type papers on the computer. He is to completely avoid using his wrist (or at least as much as is humanly possible).
So, my mom and I will type his papers for school, and we will pray that God will intervene quickly with healing, and that, in the meantime, He will give Tim great peace and patience. I would appreciate it if you would pray with us.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Ironic....
One of the great ironies of my life is that God chooses to speak to me quite regularly in dreams.
You see, for all those years that I was depressed, I also suffered regularly from quite severe nightmares. Nightmares are something I’ve fought since I was a child, but as the depression intensified, the severity of the dreams also increased. I would wake unable to move, and wonder why my bed was shaking. As I would come more fully awake, I would realize that the bed was shaking because my entire body was trembling violently from the aftermath of the dream. It would feel as if something was quite literally sitting on my chest, pinning me to the bed. My pajamas would be soaked with sweat, and at times it would take all of my strength to remind myself that it had been a dream. There were many times where I wanted to scream, move, run, anything, but it took all of the strength I could summon to simply whisper over and over, “Jesus.”
Nightmares seemed to alternate with periods of insomnia, or wakefulness, and for nearly three years I rarely slept more than four hours in a stretch. All told, most nights I probably slept an average of 6 hours, and probably woke up at least 2-3 times a night, either from a nightmare, or just because I could not manage to sleep deeply and peacefully.
When God chose to heal the depression, one of the things that marked the evening was that I slept six hours in a row, without waking, and without nightmares.
I sort of assumed that my sleep difficulties had come to an end. With the healing of the depression, I intended to pursue a life of restful sleeps, and gratefulness to God for letting me sleep.
I’d had a friend who loved when God spoke to her in her dreams. When He was silent in her sleep for too long, her prayer request would be that He would once again give her dreams. I was more than happy to pray that over her, but I couldn’t help poking good natured fun at the same time. I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting their sleep interrupted, even by God.
And now, it seems to be one of God’s favorite tactics to speak in my dreams. Which is great, I guess. I mean, I’m glad He’s speaking to me, but I really, really did want to sleep.
And when He does it every night for a stretch of time, I tend to get a little annoyed. I was telling my coworker the other day that I’d been having dreams again lately, and she commented, “That’s great. The Lord is speaking to you!” My response? “Well, I wish He’d choose some other time than 5 am!”
Also, dreams are so metaphorical. Sometimes I wonder if this God who insists on speaking just likes to taunt me a little. I’ve always hated metaphor, been a straightforward kind of girl. I write poetry less than once a year, preferring the more concrete style of the personal essay. I hated studying poetry in school, and I majored in history, rather than English to avoid having to pick apart metaphors and symbols for the rest of my life.
And what does God do, choose to speak to me in highly metaphorical, symbolic language!
Like I said at the beginning, one of the great ironies of my life is that the method that God has chosen for speaking to me is in dreams.
You see, for all those years that I was depressed, I also suffered regularly from quite severe nightmares. Nightmares are something I’ve fought since I was a child, but as the depression intensified, the severity of the dreams also increased. I would wake unable to move, and wonder why my bed was shaking. As I would come more fully awake, I would realize that the bed was shaking because my entire body was trembling violently from the aftermath of the dream. It would feel as if something was quite literally sitting on my chest, pinning me to the bed. My pajamas would be soaked with sweat, and at times it would take all of my strength to remind myself that it had been a dream. There were many times where I wanted to scream, move, run, anything, but it took all of the strength I could summon to simply whisper over and over, “Jesus.”
Nightmares seemed to alternate with periods of insomnia, or wakefulness, and for nearly three years I rarely slept more than four hours in a stretch. All told, most nights I probably slept an average of 6 hours, and probably woke up at least 2-3 times a night, either from a nightmare, or just because I could not manage to sleep deeply and peacefully.
When God chose to heal the depression, one of the things that marked the evening was that I slept six hours in a row, without waking, and without nightmares.
I sort of assumed that my sleep difficulties had come to an end. With the healing of the depression, I intended to pursue a life of restful sleeps, and gratefulness to God for letting me sleep.
I’d had a friend who loved when God spoke to her in her dreams. When He was silent in her sleep for too long, her prayer request would be that He would once again give her dreams. I was more than happy to pray that over her, but I couldn’t help poking good natured fun at the same time. I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting their sleep interrupted, even by God.
And now, it seems to be one of God’s favorite tactics to speak in my dreams. Which is great, I guess. I mean, I’m glad He’s speaking to me, but I really, really did want to sleep.
And when He does it every night for a stretch of time, I tend to get a little annoyed. I was telling my coworker the other day that I’d been having dreams again lately, and she commented, “That’s great. The Lord is speaking to you!” My response? “Well, I wish He’d choose some other time than 5 am!”
Also, dreams are so metaphorical. Sometimes I wonder if this God who insists on speaking just likes to taunt me a little. I’ve always hated metaphor, been a straightforward kind of girl. I write poetry less than once a year, preferring the more concrete style of the personal essay. I hated studying poetry in school, and I majored in history, rather than English to avoid having to pick apart metaphors and symbols for the rest of my life.
And what does God do, choose to speak to me in highly metaphorical, symbolic language!
Like I said at the beginning, one of the great ironies of my life is that the method that God has chosen for speaking to me is in dreams.
Out and About
Well, I thought I'd start this morning off with a one-liner I found in my email inbox this morning:
"If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed."
Bad, it's true, but it did make me chuckle.
It'll be quiet here for the weekend. I'm working at a Steve Bell concert tonight (can't wait), and then early tomorrow morning I'm driving out to Red Deer to meet up with my friends Marty and Kari at a conference for a day, and then to head back to their home in Gull Lake until Monday afternoon.
I can't wait for the chance to reconnect with friends, and simply be away from the city and the decisions of my life for a bit.
Next week might be pretty quiet too. My best friend Megan leaves Saturday for a three month trip, so I'll be spending as much time as possible with her this week, helping her pack and prepare, and basically serving as the person who helps her maintain her sanity!
So, if you don't hear from me for a bit, never fear, I will return!
"If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed."
Bad, it's true, but it did make me chuckle.
It'll be quiet here for the weekend. I'm working at a Steve Bell concert tonight (can't wait), and then early tomorrow morning I'm driving out to Red Deer to meet up with my friends Marty and Kari at a conference for a day, and then to head back to their home in Gull Lake until Monday afternoon.
I can't wait for the chance to reconnect with friends, and simply be away from the city and the decisions of my life for a bit.
Next week might be pretty quiet too. My best friend Megan leaves Saturday for a three month trip, so I'll be spending as much time as possible with her this week, helping her pack and prepare, and basically serving as the person who helps her maintain her sanity!
So, if you don't hear from me for a bit, never fear, I will return!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Too much of myself....
It's been an interesting week. Full of dreams, and half-waking moments that I don't quite know what to do with... I keep dreaming of "lost" things. Twice last week it was a lost wallet. Then two or three days of dreams where I was sleeping in the dream, and would then wake up, and know that I had just missed something very significant. And this morning it was a lost, unwanted infant. A baby that was being passed from person to person. No one knew who she belonged to (her name in the dream was Hannah), and no one wanted to keep her. Like I said... it feels as if there is something just beyond my reach, and I don't know quite how to catch hold of it...
And on top of the dreams, last night I realized something about myself. I NEED to be right as much as possible. I was sitting and having dinner with a friend, catching up on life in the last several months, and sharing about a situation - a decision I've made - that has somewhat polarized quite a number of my relationships.
And I realized something. I know that I followed God's leading in this situation, but I really want other people to see it as the right decision. I want to feel vindicated. I want other people to follow my lead. It hasn't been enough that God is pleased with my obedience. I want the accolades of people for my obedience. I want them to do the same thing, or at least tell me that I did the right thing.
I'm tired of myself. Not only am I overshadowing God in my own life, but I'm alienating some friends by incessant need to be told that I am in fact following the leading of God in this situation. I read Psalm 51 last night, David's prayer of confession, and made it my own, confessing to God that I have allowed others to overshadow Him, that I myself have overshadowed Him, and asking Him to remind me continually that it is only His approval and vindication that I need.
And on top of the dreams, last night I realized something about myself. I NEED to be right as much as possible. I was sitting and having dinner with a friend, catching up on life in the last several months, and sharing about a situation - a decision I've made - that has somewhat polarized quite a number of my relationships.
And I realized something. I know that I followed God's leading in this situation, but I really want other people to see it as the right decision. I want to feel vindicated. I want other people to follow my lead. It hasn't been enough that God is pleased with my obedience. I want the accolades of people for my obedience. I want them to do the same thing, or at least tell me that I did the right thing.
I'm tired of myself. Not only am I overshadowing God in my own life, but I'm alienating some friends by incessant need to be told that I am in fact following the leading of God in this situation. I read Psalm 51 last night, David's prayer of confession, and made it my own, confessing to God that I have allowed others to overshadow Him, that I myself have overshadowed Him, and asking Him to remind me continually that it is only His approval and vindication that I need.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
A Militant Stance?
Check out this post on Kirk's blog. He talks a bit about the issue of gay marriage, and some other stuff, and I liked the perspective he brings. (You can find out the thoughts it triggered in my brain by reading the comments on the post.)
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
To Give Testimony
It’s come home to me a bit in the last few weeks that I have a story to tell, and that my story, may, perhaps encourage other people.
It is very easy to write off my experiences as inconsequential, as hardly worth mentioning or discussing. I am, after all, young. I’m twenty three. I took a “life experience” quiz on the internet last night, and scored quite low on the scales of things in life to experience. Some would say that I’ve lived a sheltered and uneventful life, hardly worth pausing to consider.
And yet, last week I held a celebration that brought about conversations with coworkers and others. And those conversations brought home that I need to tell at least parts of my story whenever I get the opportunity.
On November 1, 2006, I celebrated one year depression free. God healed in a way that was gentle and forceful, and baffling, and beautiful.
Some months ago, as I shared the fact that I had been healed from this thing that had plagued my life for over five years with a group who were praying over me, someone spoke out a word, saying that she believed that God would use this to encourage and bring healing to others.
Last week, I mentioned that I was celebrating to two separate women, in two separate conversations. Neither conversation was in a place or with a person where I would normally have chosen to discuss the fact that a year previously I had been suicidal, questioning each day whether it was worth it to keep getting out of bed in the morning for a meaningless existence. In fact, I tried to discuss my plans in a very generic form. “Oh, I had a celebration dinner with friends last night.” It didn’t work.
Both women wanted to know what I was celebrating. The first one I told commented, “That’s incredible. I haven’t managed to be depression free for even two months.” The second woman shook my hand. “Congratulations. I’m being treated for that right now. The medications are helping. Things are a lot better than they were two years ago.”
That’s as far as either conversation went. But what spectacular opportunities have now arisen for me to quietly pray for these women as I go about my day in close proximity to them, to look for openings in conversation where I can encourage them. To wait for the inner promptings of the Spirit, and then to act in obedience to those promptings.
Maybe this story is something that shouldn’t be carefully hidden – told only to those few whom I trust. I am not ashamed of the fact that for years I lived under a blanket of depression. But these conversations have reminded me that so very many people are. That it is not widely accepted within the Christian church for someone to suffer from mental illness. That even outside of the church, in a society that is educated, and even bombarded with information about illnesses such as depression, there is still a strong stigma attached to the words. I should know. I was fired from a job within the probationary period a few years back because of my depression – I was apparently not “up-beat” enough for the employer.
And really, I act as if I am ashamed, not only of the depression, but of the fact that I have been healed. I’m not, I’m ecstatic, filled with joy at the changes God has formed in my life this past year. I can hardly believe that a year ago He was gracious enough to draw me from darkness into light. That He has placed his calling on my life, and marked me with a love for the broken and messy things.
And so, I’m going to jump at every opportunity to tell this story – to stand and give testimony to this crazy thing that God has done, this thing of beauty and grace and mercy that has been poured out upon my life.
p.s. If you want to read someone else's story, told in a masterfully funny manner, check out the ongoing saga at Rik Leaf's blog.
It is very easy to write off my experiences as inconsequential, as hardly worth mentioning or discussing. I am, after all, young. I’m twenty three. I took a “life experience” quiz on the internet last night, and scored quite low on the scales of things in life to experience. Some would say that I’ve lived a sheltered and uneventful life, hardly worth pausing to consider.
And yet, last week I held a celebration that brought about conversations with coworkers and others. And those conversations brought home that I need to tell at least parts of my story whenever I get the opportunity.
On November 1, 2006, I celebrated one year depression free. God healed in a way that was gentle and forceful, and baffling, and beautiful.
Some months ago, as I shared the fact that I had been healed from this thing that had plagued my life for over five years with a group who were praying over me, someone spoke out a word, saying that she believed that God would use this to encourage and bring healing to others.
Last week, I mentioned that I was celebrating to two separate women, in two separate conversations. Neither conversation was in a place or with a person where I would normally have chosen to discuss the fact that a year previously I had been suicidal, questioning each day whether it was worth it to keep getting out of bed in the morning for a meaningless existence. In fact, I tried to discuss my plans in a very generic form. “Oh, I had a celebration dinner with friends last night.” It didn’t work.
Both women wanted to know what I was celebrating. The first one I told commented, “That’s incredible. I haven’t managed to be depression free for even two months.” The second woman shook my hand. “Congratulations. I’m being treated for that right now. The medications are helping. Things are a lot better than they were two years ago.”
That’s as far as either conversation went. But what spectacular opportunities have now arisen for me to quietly pray for these women as I go about my day in close proximity to them, to look for openings in conversation where I can encourage them. To wait for the inner promptings of the Spirit, and then to act in obedience to those promptings.
Maybe this story is something that shouldn’t be carefully hidden – told only to those few whom I trust. I am not ashamed of the fact that for years I lived under a blanket of depression. But these conversations have reminded me that so very many people are. That it is not widely accepted within the Christian church for someone to suffer from mental illness. That even outside of the church, in a society that is educated, and even bombarded with information about illnesses such as depression, there is still a strong stigma attached to the words. I should know. I was fired from a job within the probationary period a few years back because of my depression – I was apparently not “up-beat” enough for the employer.
And really, I act as if I am ashamed, not only of the depression, but of the fact that I have been healed. I’m not, I’m ecstatic, filled with joy at the changes God has formed in my life this past year. I can hardly believe that a year ago He was gracious enough to draw me from darkness into light. That He has placed his calling on my life, and marked me with a love for the broken and messy things.
And so, I’m going to jump at every opportunity to tell this story – to stand and give testimony to this crazy thing that God has done, this thing of beauty and grace and mercy that has been poured out upon my life.
p.s. If you want to read someone else's story, told in a masterfully funny manner, check out the ongoing saga at Rik Leaf's blog.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Aslan
Caught the last month or so by these lyrics of Kendall Payne's song, "Aslan."
Don’t stop your crying on my account
A frightening lion, no doubt
He’s not safe no, he’s not safe
Are you tempted now to run away?
The King above all kings is coming down
But he won’t say the words you wish that he would
Oh he don’t do the deeds you know that he could
He won’t think the thoughts you think that he should
But He is good, He is good.
I know you’re thirsty the water is free
But I should warn you- it’ costs everything
Well, he’s not fair no, he’s not fair
When he fixes what’s beyond repair
And graces everyone that don’t deserve
No-one knows him whom eyes never seen
No, I don’t know him but he knows me
He knows me. He knows me.
Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without his incision you can’t enter in
He cuts deep, yeah he cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind.
Don’t stop your crying on my account
A frightening lion, no doubt
He’s not safe no, he’s not safe
Are you tempted now to run away?
The King above all kings is coming down
But he won’t say the words you wish that he would
Oh he don’t do the deeds you know that he could
He won’t think the thoughts you think that he should
But He is good, He is good.
I know you’re thirsty the water is free
But I should warn you- it’ costs everything
Well, he’s not fair no, he’s not fair
When he fixes what’s beyond repair
And graces everyone that don’t deserve
No-one knows him whom eyes never seen
No, I don’t know him but he knows me
He knows me. He knows me.
Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without his incision you can’t enter in
He cuts deep, yeah he cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind.
a restless soul
"Be still my soul and know that He is Lord."
I'm working on it. I am very unsettled this morning. Several days of waking from odd dreams... a lost wallet, a childlike woman fighting for her freedom, the appearance of several people I know and know of in my dreams.
Does anyone know someone gifted in interpreting dreams?
I couldn't stomach modern worship songs on my commute this morning. I couldn't handle the songs that talk and talk and talk about what I'm going to do for God. I'm too tired to "do" this morning. I needed to just sit and soak in age old truths about his unfailing grace and mercy, his redemption, his promises of strength for the weary. So I listened to an album of hymns. And then I listened to Michael Card's recordings of some ancient Celtic hymns, and my soul was slightly soothed.
I am restless. Wondering what some things mean, and wondering over steps for the future. Life is beautiful, I am depression free, but I am not "a soul at rest from itself."
Praying, and continuing to try and soak in the midst of my workday, which is somewhat tense and stressful today as well.
And while it sounds flip, glib, and perhaps even slightly blasphemous, I am praying that age old prayer this morning. "Thank God it's Friday."
I'm working on it. I am very unsettled this morning. Several days of waking from odd dreams... a lost wallet, a childlike woman fighting for her freedom, the appearance of several people I know and know of in my dreams.
Does anyone know someone gifted in interpreting dreams?
I couldn't stomach modern worship songs on my commute this morning. I couldn't handle the songs that talk and talk and talk about what I'm going to do for God. I'm too tired to "do" this morning. I needed to just sit and soak in age old truths about his unfailing grace and mercy, his redemption, his promises of strength for the weary. So I listened to an album of hymns. And then I listened to Michael Card's recordings of some ancient Celtic hymns, and my soul was slightly soothed.
I am restless. Wondering what some things mean, and wondering over steps for the future. Life is beautiful, I am depression free, but I am not "a soul at rest from itself."
Praying, and continuing to try and soak in the midst of my workday, which is somewhat tense and stressful today as well.
And while it sounds flip, glib, and perhaps even slightly blasphemous, I am praying that age old prayer this morning. "Thank God it's Friday."
Pascal
Came across a quote from Blaise Pascal this morning, and thought I'd pass it on...
“There is nothing that we can see on earth which does not either show the wretchedness of man or the mercy of God. One either sees the powerlessness of man without God, or the strength of man with God.”
— Blaise Pascal
“There is nothing that we can see on earth which does not either show the wretchedness of man or the mercy of God. One either sees the powerlessness of man without God, or the strength of man with God.”
— Blaise Pascal
Thursday, November 02, 2006
kingdom musings?
So I’m sitting here at my desk, and I’ve just read Kirk’s latest blog post, about his recent kingdom connections, and the things God is putting before him, and thoughts are beginning rather suddenly to churn in my head. Around and around, swirling through things that have been inescapable this week, and that are continually developing.
I’m sitting at my desk, nibbling on dried mango, on the third floor of a small building in one of Calgary’s most racially diverse neighborhoods. On the lower floors are Mennonite Central Committee, and a large thrift shop. On one side of our building is a strip club, always occupied with clientele, judging from the parking lot that our staff room window overlooks. On the other a small furniture store.
I’m working for a small insurance company run by Mennonites. Kingdom work in a field that isn’t typically known for such a cause. Our company donates about $100,000 a year to kingdom causes – mostly through organizations like Mennonite Central Committee, focusing on issues of justice, but also on a lower level through needs identified by the churches and policy holders we work with.
I filled out an alumni survey for U of C the other day. I’ve only officially been alumni for six months, and they’re already surveying me! It asked if I’m working in the field I graduated from. I’m not.
I’m working with the results of the field I graduated from. I spent four years studying post-reformation era Europe, focusing primarily on groups like the Anabaptists and Moravians. Groups with a tradition of moving continents to escape persecution, and taking with them Biblical values of justice, peace, and love.
Spreading the kingdom of God in salt and light tiny ways.
As far as I know, my ancestors didn’t come from Europe fleeing religious persecution. They came from Europe like so many others, hoping to create a better life in Canada or in the United States. They came from similar parts of Europe to the Mennonites – Russia, Germany, Ukraine.
But now, I work for this group of people. And they fascinate me. Worrying about prisoners that society has forgotten, and immigrants that Canada, despite her professed “mosaic multi-culturalism” would prefer not to deal with.
They sell fair trade handicrafts from the developing world, supporting children and families, and women and schools. You can buy your family members a goat for Christmas from these people.
They are farmers, and lawyers, and financial planners, and together they are working to bring the kingdom. Some dress very traditionally, with the women in skirts and headcoverings, and some are more modern than I.
I would imagine that it’s somewhat idealistic, but I am caught by the fact that answering phones, sorting mail, emptying a dishwasher, calling office equipment repair people, and making labels are somehow part of kingdom work. That I sit here and pick up phone calls, and because I answer phones, our company, somewhere down the line makes a profit, and the profit is directed towards kingdom causes.
And I wonder at the encounters I have here… the conversations, the friends I’m making, and I’m grateful for the chance to watch the kingdom unfold in this tiny little corner of Calgary.
I am captivated by the idea of justice… and yet, I don’t quite understand…
I’m sitting at my desk, nibbling on dried mango, on the third floor of a small building in one of Calgary’s most racially diverse neighborhoods. On the lower floors are Mennonite Central Committee, and a large thrift shop. On one side of our building is a strip club, always occupied with clientele, judging from the parking lot that our staff room window overlooks. On the other a small furniture store.
I’m working for a small insurance company run by Mennonites. Kingdom work in a field that isn’t typically known for such a cause. Our company donates about $100,000 a year to kingdom causes – mostly through organizations like Mennonite Central Committee, focusing on issues of justice, but also on a lower level through needs identified by the churches and policy holders we work with.
I filled out an alumni survey for U of C the other day. I’ve only officially been alumni for six months, and they’re already surveying me! It asked if I’m working in the field I graduated from. I’m not.
I’m working with the results of the field I graduated from. I spent four years studying post-reformation era Europe, focusing primarily on groups like the Anabaptists and Moravians. Groups with a tradition of moving continents to escape persecution, and taking with them Biblical values of justice, peace, and love.
Spreading the kingdom of God in salt and light tiny ways.
As far as I know, my ancestors didn’t come from Europe fleeing religious persecution. They came from Europe like so many others, hoping to create a better life in Canada or in the United States. They came from similar parts of Europe to the Mennonites – Russia, Germany, Ukraine.
But now, I work for this group of people. And they fascinate me. Worrying about prisoners that society has forgotten, and immigrants that Canada, despite her professed “mosaic multi-culturalism” would prefer not to deal with.
They sell fair trade handicrafts from the developing world, supporting children and families, and women and schools. You can buy your family members a goat for Christmas from these people.
They are farmers, and lawyers, and financial planners, and together they are working to bring the kingdom. Some dress very traditionally, with the women in skirts and headcoverings, and some are more modern than I.
I would imagine that it’s somewhat idealistic, but I am caught by the fact that answering phones, sorting mail, emptying a dishwasher, calling office equipment repair people, and making labels are somehow part of kingdom work. That I sit here and pick up phone calls, and because I answer phones, our company, somewhere down the line makes a profit, and the profit is directed towards kingdom causes.
And I wonder at the encounters I have here… the conversations, the friends I’m making, and I’m grateful for the chance to watch the kingdom unfold in this tiny little corner of Calgary.
I am captivated by the idea of justice… and yet, I don’t quite understand…
Quote from Nouwen
Found this quote from Henri Nouwen on the web this morning, and thought I'd pass it on:
“Our life is full of brokenness - broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God's faithful presence in our lives.”
— Henri Nouwen
“Our life is full of brokenness - broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God's faithful presence in our lives.”
— Henri Nouwen
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Bubbling over...and celebrating!
Psalm 9:1-2 (The Message)
I'm thanking you, God, from a full heart,
I'm writing the book on your wonders.
I'm whistling, laughing, and jumping for joy;
I'm singing your song, High God.
Today is a special day. It marks one year, depression free. At this time last year, I was getting out of bed, heading to school, and about to have my day hijacked by God. You can't probably imagine how amazing it is to me that it's been a year. The year has been tumultous, filled with crazy happenings, highs, some lows, but nothing could possibly explain the joy that tumbles inside of me as I sit here and think that I have been depression free for an entire year.
I'm going out for dinner tonight with a bunch of friends to celebrate. To celebrate the fact that a year ago today, God stepped into my life in this crazy, overwhelming, completely unexplainable way, and drew me from death into life.
It's been a year since I was begging God to simply let me die, because there was no reason to continue living, no reason to get out of bed in the mornings. A year marked by grace. And I'm so incredibly grateful.
I'm thinking, this morning, and praying for some people I know who are still living in the midst of pain. I'm praying God's freedom, His healing over their lives as well. I hope that everyone I know, experiences at least once, the kind of joy I feel day, and the sensation I felt a year ago of God taking over in completely unexplainable ways.
The passage at the top, and one last one also from Peterson's translation of the Psalms came to mind as I woke this morning.
Psalm 13:5-6 (The Message)
I've thrown myself headlong into your arms -
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
How Many of Me?
Okay, I know it's an American statistic, but I am a US citizen, so I thought I'd give it a go. And apparently I'm unique - who knew?!
Also, statistically, apparently Lisa is the 33rd most common first name in the US, so in that way I guess that I'm not really all that unique!
Also, statistically, apparently Lisa is the 33rd most common first name in the US, so in that way I guess that I'm not really all that unique!
| HowManyOfMe.com | ||
|
Creating Space
I wrote long emails to a number of different friends last night, catching them up on some things that have been going on in my life of late, and inviting them to offer insight into a decision I'm in the midst of making.
I told one of them that I've been working to establish a rhythm or discipline in certain areas of my life, and that some days it goes well, and some days it doesn't.
The first area I tackled was creating a rhythm of scripture reading, and 20 days in, it has birthed a surprising result. I'm writing again - seriously, I mean, not the everyday jottings I stick on the blog. There would seem to be a book in the mix...
The whole idea of establishing rhythm and creating space came home to me this morning on the train. I'd tucked Pete Greig's "The Vision and the Vow" into my bag, and was attempting to read it as I travelled. I've been attempting to read this book for a year and a half. I get hung up every time, because it turns serious, and Greig asks you to take time to stop and reflect.
Reflection of a personal and deep nature is not something properly accomplished on public transportation! Every time I've hit this spot, I've tucked the book back into my bag with the intentions of settling down with it and my journal sometime in the next day or two. Did I mention that I've been reading this book off and on for a year and a half, and that I'm still in the first couple of chapters?
So, my next attempt at rhythm is this - to create some white space, reflection time, margin - whatever term you want to use, at least once a week in my life.
Oh, and to start running or something, cause my body is not making me happy these days!
We'll see how it goes!
I told one of them that I've been working to establish a rhythm or discipline in certain areas of my life, and that some days it goes well, and some days it doesn't.
The first area I tackled was creating a rhythm of scripture reading, and 20 days in, it has birthed a surprising result. I'm writing again - seriously, I mean, not the everyday jottings I stick on the blog. There would seem to be a book in the mix...
The whole idea of establishing rhythm and creating space came home to me this morning on the train. I'd tucked Pete Greig's "The Vision and the Vow" into my bag, and was attempting to read it as I travelled. I've been attempting to read this book for a year and a half. I get hung up every time, because it turns serious, and Greig asks you to take time to stop and reflect.
Reflection of a personal and deep nature is not something properly accomplished on public transportation! Every time I've hit this spot, I've tucked the book back into my bag with the intentions of settling down with it and my journal sometime in the next day or two. Did I mention that I've been reading this book off and on for a year and a half, and that I'm still in the first couple of chapters?
So, my next attempt at rhythm is this - to create some white space, reflection time, margin - whatever term you want to use, at least once a week in my life.
Oh, and to start running or something, cause my body is not making me happy these days!
We'll see how it goes!
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Mellow State of Mind
I'm feeling quite mellow at the moment. I spent a large portion of the day doing cleaning in my bedroom that has desperately needed to be done for at least a couple of months. I have a workspace again, and a clean space in which to read, write, think and create. And I listened to some of James Herriott's many animal stories on a book-on-CD from the library while I did it.
I will eventually get around to letting some of the things soaking through my head and heart spill out onto this site.
In the meantime, I'm getting ready for a party on Wednesday night, to celebrate one year of being healed from depression.
I just did a depression screening test (which can be found here) that I used to score all the time as mildly or severely depressed. This time the results said, "your answers do not indicate depression." I love that! It made me smile.
See you soon!
I will eventually get around to letting some of the things soaking through my head and heart spill out onto this site.
In the meantime, I'm getting ready for a party on Wednesday night, to celebrate one year of being healed from depression.
I just did a depression screening test (which can be found here) that I used to score all the time as mildly or severely depressed. This time the results said, "your answers do not indicate depression." I love that! It made me smile.
See you soon!
Friday, October 27, 2006
More reading...
Maybe this is just the day for you to read what other people have written. It's grey and cold here. I'm sitting in a office that is nearly empty, answering phones when there is no one to direct the calls to. And I'm not feeling particularly inspired to write, though I have been feeling some level of inspiration again lately. I wonder sometimes if I need to be careful not to share every moment of inspiration, to pour out all the inspiration and find myself left empty. Perhaps I'll let it saturate me for a time, and then the things I produce to share will actually be worth your consumption. Maybe I'll write tonight, or even this afternoon, but I think it probably needs to soak inside me for a while first...
In the meantime, you should read Rik Leaf's ongoing account of his personal journey at this site. I'm quite enjoying it, flipping back a couple times a day to see if a new chapter has been posted.
In the meantime, you should read Rik Leaf's ongoing account of his personal journey at this site. I'm quite enjoying it, flipping back a couple times a day to see if a new chapter has been posted.
Read This...
I have lots of thoughts today, in no apparent order, but I'll probably spread them out into several small posts over the course of the day, or maybe into one longish post this evening...
Anyway... you should read this post at Cameron Conant's blog. I liked it. It made me happy. Particularly the last few lines, about broken people who think they're surrounded by whole people. I'm glad someone took time for the brokenness...
Anyway... you should read this post at Cameron Conant's blog. I liked it. It made me happy. Particularly the last few lines, about broken people who think they're surrounded by whole people. I'm glad someone took time for the brokenness...
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
A tradition of reform
I've been reading (and listening to the audio version on my ipod) "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell again lately. I was just sitting at lunch, and the following passage caught my attention. (and by the way, you can get the audio version, unabridged from itunes - I highly recommend it.)
I'm part of this global, historic stream of people who believe that God has not left us alone but has been involved in human history from the beginning. People who believe that in Jesus, God came among us in a unique and powerful way, showing us a new kind of life. Giveing each of us a new vision for our life together, for the world we live in.
And as part of this tradition, I embrace the need to keep painting, to keep reforming.
By this I do not mean cosmetic, superficial changes like better lights and music, sharper graphics, and new methods with easy-to-follow steps. I mean theology: the beliefs about God, Jesus, the Bible, salvation and the future. We must keep reforming the way the Christian faith is defined, lived and explained.
Jesus is more compelling than ever. More inviting, more true, more mysterious than ever. The problem isn't Jesus; the problem is what comes with Jesus...
(Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis pg. 12)
Comments? Thoughts? I found this to be an interesting thought, somewhat provacative, but worth considering...
I'm part of this global, historic stream of people who believe that God has not left us alone but has been involved in human history from the beginning. People who believe that in Jesus, God came among us in a unique and powerful way, showing us a new kind of life. Giveing each of us a new vision for our life together, for the world we live in.
And as part of this tradition, I embrace the need to keep painting, to keep reforming.
By this I do not mean cosmetic, superficial changes like better lights and music, sharper graphics, and new methods with easy-to-follow steps. I mean theology: the beliefs about God, Jesus, the Bible, salvation and the future. We must keep reforming the way the Christian faith is defined, lived and explained.
Jesus is more compelling than ever. More inviting, more true, more mysterious than ever. The problem isn't Jesus; the problem is what comes with Jesus...
(Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis pg. 12)
Comments? Thoughts? I found this to be an interesting thought, somewhat provacative, but worth considering...
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Involved with People
My dad said something to me on Sunday morning that surprised me - a compliment. I'd handed him some information about some jobs at my company that had just come available, for him to pass on to a recent immigrant from Brazil who is looking for work and attends his church. He said (in continuation of an ongoing conversation we've been having), "This is why you need to be in a church that involves you in helping people - you come alive when you're helping people." It's true, something I've realized about myself in the last month or so, but not something I ever expected to hear from my dad. And it encouraged me to have him notice.
It came home to me again last night as I was out with a friend. We went to a funky little tea house in Kensington, and the inside of the building was packed, but it was a nice night, cool but not freezing cold, so we sat on this little porch they have in the back of their building. The girl working in the shop brought us candles for our table, and we sat in the dim light, drank tea and caught up. And as I sat, I thought about how much I was enjoying this moment, how it was one that would be memorable, and yet, it was something quite commonplace. There is nothing that makes me feel more alive than being with people I love - broken, struggling, beautiful, messy, god-loving (0r not) people. Sitting and basking like at the Jacob and Lily house concert I went to a month or two ago, or sipping tea and listening to a friend share the things God is doing in her life, and then praying for her.
I still find it funny, that for someone who needs so much alone time, I come alive when I'm around people and caring for people. Still working on the balance that will prevent quick development of compassion fatigue. Still working to create a cycle in which as I care for others I am also being cared for, but I am spending my life on people, because they're these beautiful, tarnished, through a mirror darkly kind of pictures of the image of God, and when I'm involved, I not only meet them, but I meet Him.
It came home to me again last night as I was out with a friend. We went to a funky little tea house in Kensington, and the inside of the building was packed, but it was a nice night, cool but not freezing cold, so we sat on this little porch they have in the back of their building. The girl working in the shop brought us candles for our table, and we sat in the dim light, drank tea and caught up. And as I sat, I thought about how much I was enjoying this moment, how it was one that would be memorable, and yet, it was something quite commonplace. There is nothing that makes me feel more alive than being with people I love - broken, struggling, beautiful, messy, god-loving (0r not) people. Sitting and basking like at the Jacob and Lily house concert I went to a month or two ago, or sipping tea and listening to a friend share the things God is doing in her life, and then praying for her.
I still find it funny, that for someone who needs so much alone time, I come alive when I'm around people and caring for people. Still working on the balance that will prevent quick development of compassion fatigue. Still working to create a cycle in which as I care for others I am also being cared for, but I am spending my life on people, because they're these beautiful, tarnished, through a mirror darkly kind of pictures of the image of God, and when I'm involved, I not only meet them, but I meet Him.
Monday, October 23, 2006
From the rising of the sun....
I see the sunrise almost every morning these days. It's just beginning to light the sky as I head to work. Usually, just as I'm transfering trains downtown the colors begin to happen. Most days in the last while, it's been unremarkable, a transition from dark, to a grey and cool "winter is coming soon" sort of day.
This morning, however, was spectacular. A wide variety of pinks and blues lit the sky.
And I was reminded of the scripture that says something along the lines of "From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the Name of the Lord is to be praised." (It's also a beautiful Steve Bell lyric.)
My commute has become a time of learning, of prayer and worship. I spend nearly two hours a day travelling via public transit to and from work. Thanks to my ipod, I can generally spend the time listening to worship music and praying, or listening to a sermon. It's a good way to start a day or a week...
This morning, however, was spectacular. A wide variety of pinks and blues lit the sky.
And I was reminded of the scripture that says something along the lines of "From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the Name of the Lord is to be praised." (It's also a beautiful Steve Bell lyric.)
My commute has become a time of learning, of prayer and worship. I spend nearly two hours a day travelling via public transit to and from work. Thanks to my ipod, I can generally spend the time listening to worship music and praying, or listening to a sermon. It's a good way to start a day or a week...
Sunday, October 22, 2006
good hugs
Do you have some of those friends who, when they ask how you're doing, you know that they really want to know? That they're invested in your well-being? I'm blessed to have several in my life right now - some new, some older. I saw a few of them at an event I attended last night. It stuck out to me as I was driving home, the difference in how they asked. You just knew that you could be honest. There was a pause before I smiled and told them that I was doing well, time for a quick mental inventory to make sure I was about to speak truth. I suppose it stuck out because I answered that question so many times, and quite a few of them I answered without thought, without really considering - I gave the automatic, socially acceptable answer. In one conversation, I didn't mentally inventory quick enough, and I stuttered through an answer that basically ended with me saying I didn't know how I was doing.
And the hugs - I've missed the hugs these last several weeks. My best friend is NOT a hugger. My family isn't huge into physical contact. And I don't have a new church yet, so I'm not getting hugs anywhere at the moment. A couple of good friends gave me hugs last night. Good hugs - not the sort of "I'm hugging you because I feel obligated" but the "I really am glad to see your face" sort of hugs. I've missed those.
Well, I suppose I should get ready for work. Today is my very last day at the Bay! So glad that it's over. And, by God's blessing, I'm working with two of the people who I actually enjoyed working with today, and not the ones that I had a very hard time with. I will finish well, and I think that feels kind of good too!
New post coming soon, on the pros and cons of church hunting, and my decsion making process, but it may be quiet this week - I'm tied up several evenings, and work is going to be crazy as I do all the photocopying, package preparing, nametag making, last minute hotel room scheduling, and other sundry tasks that fall into my lap in preparation for the company's annual general meeting at the end of the week. So you may not hear from me much until next weekend!
And the hugs - I've missed the hugs these last several weeks. My best friend is NOT a hugger. My family isn't huge into physical contact. And I don't have a new church yet, so I'm not getting hugs anywhere at the moment. A couple of good friends gave me hugs last night. Good hugs - not the sort of "I'm hugging you because I feel obligated" but the "I really am glad to see your face" sort of hugs. I've missed those.
Well, I suppose I should get ready for work. Today is my very last day at the Bay! So glad that it's over. And, by God's blessing, I'm working with two of the people who I actually enjoyed working with today, and not the ones that I had a very hard time with. I will finish well, and I think that feels kind of good too!
New post coming soon, on the pros and cons of church hunting, and my decsion making process, but it may be quiet this week - I'm tied up several evenings, and work is going to be crazy as I do all the photocopying, package preparing, nametag making, last minute hotel room scheduling, and other sundry tasks that fall into my lap in preparation for the company's annual general meeting at the end of the week. So you may not hear from me much until next weekend!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
sliver moon
A tiny sliver of moon hung in the hazy sky, above the horizon where the sun was trying desperately to push it's way through the gray. It smiled at me, and I smiled back at it.
Monday, October 16, 2006
this caught my eye
Was looking at the website for an Anglican church in Toronto (here).
This line in the description of one of their services caught my eye:
A lively evening of worship and praise with mostly contemporary music and with Communion. Faithful Biblical preaching is a necessary component of all our worship services.
Seems self explanatory that this would be necessary and important, but in my experience it is true far too little of the time.
This line in the description of one of their services caught my eye:
A lively evening of worship and praise with mostly contemporary music and with Communion. Faithful Biblical preaching is a necessary component of all our worship services.
Seems self explanatory that this would be necessary and important, but in my experience it is true far too little of the time.
Workday ending
mmm... it's been a quiet day. I made several phone calls, scheduled a conference call for our board of directors, did various clerical tasks, and answered about 30 incoming calls. I also arranged for maintenance on our filing system, and sorted the mail, and receipted cheques. These are the things that mark my days lately.
For those who might be interested, Tony Campolo is speaking at Dalhousie Community Church in the evening on Thursday, October 26, 2006. Tickets are $25, and can be purchased by phoning 403-275-6935. The evening is a fundraising event for Mennonite Central Committee Alberta's prison ministry. If you've never heard Tony speak, you should jump at this opportunity. He's one of my favorite communicators of all time. And besides, I'll be there, so you can come and hang with me - I'll be the one with a bunch of old women. I invited my grandma to come with me, and she in turn invited some neighbors and friends. None of these wonderful old ladies drive - my grandma's condition in coming was that I would need to do the driving for the evening! So look for my not-so-grey head next to a bunch of white ones!
For those who might be interested, Tony Campolo is speaking at Dalhousie Community Church in the evening on Thursday, October 26, 2006. Tickets are $25, and can be purchased by phoning 403-275-6935. The evening is a fundraising event for Mennonite Central Committee Alberta's prison ministry. If you've never heard Tony speak, you should jump at this opportunity. He's one of my favorite communicators of all time. And besides, I'll be there, so you can come and hang with me - I'll be the one with a bunch of old women. I invited my grandma to come with me, and she in turn invited some neighbors and friends. None of these wonderful old ladies drive - my grandma's condition in coming was that I would need to do the driving for the evening! So look for my not-so-grey head next to a bunch of white ones!
First Snow
It's snowing today. It was dark when I walked to the train this morning, probably because it's one of those wintery days where the sun doesn't so much come up as the grey simply gets lighter. My hair was caked with white when I arrived at work.
It would appear that I'm going to spend a significant chunk of the day making phone calls. Not exactly my favorite pastime, but one that I suppose needs to be accomplished.
And, just as a good way to start things off, here's a quote from C.S. Lewis that I came across today: “I believe in God like I believe in the sun rise. Not because I can see it, but because I can see all that it touches.”
Not that the sun really rose today... but a good reminder nonetheless
It would appear that I'm going to spend a significant chunk of the day making phone calls. Not exactly my favorite pastime, but one that I suppose needs to be accomplished.
And, just as a good way to start things off, here's a quote from C.S. Lewis that I came across today: “I believe in God like I believe in the sun rise. Not because I can see it, but because I can see all that it touches.”
Not that the sun really rose today... but a good reminder nonetheless
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Pray
I mentioned a song in one of my posts yesterday called "Pray" by an artist named Kendall Payne. The lyrics have been bouncing around my head all day, bouncing between me and God as I think of various people and situations in my life. I'm asking Him for these things for me, and for a whole lot of other people I know.
I think I mentioned yesterday that this song almost always reminds me of my friends Marty and Kari. Everytime I hear it, they come to mind. Maybe because they live so many of the truths that Kendall sings about, or maybe because I know them well enough to know that they might pray a prayer that at first glance seems unorthodox and dangerous as this one, but upon closer examination is full of deep and meaningful truths.
I'm particularly caught by the lines that say "May your heart break enough that compassion enters in, may your strength all be spent upon the weak... and when you look upon the broken, may mercy show you what you could not see..." I'll end my intro the same way she ends the song. I'll pray these things for all of you, if you'll only pray the same for me.
So, without further ado, the lyrics to the song that is playing on my ipod even as I write:
I will pray for you now for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I couldn’t not ask for more than what you’ve already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me
May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strength all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall come crashing down around your feet
May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater each stride
May your company be of humble insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride
What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the one who made us
And see him smile when life is through
May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they’d be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see
May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But you’d learn to trust the plan he has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true
I have prayed for you now all of my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could ever speak
As the way wanders on I’ll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh that you would pray for me.
I think I mentioned yesterday that this song almost always reminds me of my friends Marty and Kari. Everytime I hear it, they come to mind. Maybe because they live so many of the truths that Kendall sings about, or maybe because I know them well enough to know that they might pray a prayer that at first glance seems unorthodox and dangerous as this one, but upon closer examination is full of deep and meaningful truths.
I'm particularly caught by the lines that say "May your heart break enough that compassion enters in, may your strength all be spent upon the weak... and when you look upon the broken, may mercy show you what you could not see..." I'll end my intro the same way she ends the song. I'll pray these things for all of you, if you'll only pray the same for me.
So, without further ado, the lyrics to the song that is playing on my ipod even as I write:
I will pray for you now for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I couldn’t not ask for more than what you’ve already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me
May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strength all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall come crashing down around your feet
May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater each stride
May your company be of humble insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride
What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the one who made us
And see him smile when life is through
May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they’d be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see
May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But you’d learn to trust the plan he has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true
I have prayed for you now all of my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could ever speak
As the way wanders on I’ll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh that you would pray for me.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Potato
Right at this moment, I'm flipping through a cookbook devoted entirely to potatoes. Seems we have an excess from our garden this summer, and my mom wants a potato dish to go with the pork we're grilling for dinner. I happen to love potatoes (I'll eat them over rice or pasta at almost any opportunity), but at the moment, it's more of a love/hate kind of thing.
I've learned never to agree to anything right after I get up in the morning. That's today's life lesson. Because now, I'm flipping through a cookbook about potatoes in all their forms, trying desperately to find a potato dish I'm interested in making, that I can have ready by somewhere between 5:30 and 6:00.
I've learned never to agree to anything right after I get up in the morning. That's today's life lesson. Because now, I'm flipping through a cookbook about potatoes in all their forms, trying desperately to find a potato dish I'm interested in making, that I can have ready by somewhere between 5:30 and 6:00.
Crossing My Radar
These are some of the things crossing my radar right now:
- Kendall Payne. Seriously, people, if you haven't heard this girl sing, you need to. But mostly, you need to pay really close attention to her lyrics. Particularly, listen to the lyrics of her songs, "Aslan," "Twenty Three," and "Pray." I love the last one especially. Every time I hear it, I think of my friends Marty and Kari - something about the honest unexpectedness of Payne's prayer always reminds me of them, and of my commitment to pray for them.
- Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. I know I've talked about the book before, but I picked it up on CD at Christian Publications the other night, and I've been listening to it again. You can also download it off of itunes (which would be ten bucks cheaper than what I paid, but I discovered too late). Bell makes some terrifically challenging observations about church life, Christianity, and what following Jesus really means. I don't know that I always agree with everything he says, but it challenges me, especially right now when I'm church hunting, and trying to figure out how to go about making a decision about choosing a church family for the next while in my life.
- Vietnamese food. Vietnamese food is always on my radar, but I had it last night for the first time in nearly a month, and I'm loving it. Mmm.... rice vermicelli and veggies and meat all mixed up in a bowl. So good.
- Novels. Novels are on my radar screen again. I've been reading somewhat voraciously again in the "brain candy" genres. And loving it. There's something fantastic about becoming fully involved in another world or life for a couple of hours.
- Bubble Baths. To be engaged in for an hour or so at a time, preferably with a good novel to keep you company.
- "Man of the Year." I saw this movie with Megs last night, after having Vietnamese food. I haven't laughed that hard in ages. Williams is always a toss up, because he can be hilariously funny, but incredibly crude at times. Yes, he has some zingers, but mostly it's a very funny movie. And, American political comedy can also be a toss up - making you laugh but generally leaving a bad taste in your mouth - a sense of hopelessness in the face of a culture that doesn't really care. Not so with this movie - you come away encouraged about political life, about ethics and morality, about the fact that you can get involved and make a difference. Definitely worth seeing.
So, those are the big things crossing my radar at the moment. Have any comments, or counter-recommendations?
Friday, October 13, 2006
The Things Crossing My Mind
Happy Friday the 13th to you all!
So, I promise I will explain the pictures in my last post, just not right at this moment. Just let me say that I was looking at them again this morning, sitting at my desk, and I love all of them. They epitomize moments, or emotions, or events of the summer, and that makes them special.
This morning I officially became one of the c-train ladies I used to mock in my head as I commuted to and from school. I wore running shoes with my dress pants and clothes, and carried my high heels in my bag. You see, I have had problems for years with the tendons in my feet developing tendonitis, and they were sore this morning, and I decided I didn't want to have to stand on the train in heels, or make the fifteen minute walk from the train to my office in heels, so I wore runners. You may now all engage in mocking laughter. But, in my defense, they are very cute runners (which I tried to find a picture of on the web, but couldn't, and which didn't in any way match or blend with my outfit!)
I'm trying to develop a bit more disciplined routine of prayer and bible reading. So I'm doing this thing, where, as I crawl into bed to read before I go to sleep, the first thing I read is a chapter of scripture. Then I grab a new journal I bought, a small one, and I write down one or two lines from the passage I just read that caught my attention. Two nights ago it was "the kingdom of God is near." Last night it was, "I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners," and "The sabbath was made to meet the needs of people, and not people to meet the requirements of the sabbath." After that, I write a short prayer, end it with Brennan Manning's prayer "Abba, I belong to you," and put the bible and journal away.
The thing that makes this a discipline is that it is the FIRST thing I do when I crawl into bed. It has priority. I don't pick up the novel that I left in a really tense place, I don't play something on my ipod, I don't flip through a magazine, any of the things I might do to unwind before sleeping, until this is done. It doesn't go by the wayside like my old routine, where I might read a novel, and then suddenly realize the time, and just choose to put off scripture reading until the next day.
And the little journal - it travels with me. If I'm thinking or praying on the c-train - which I often am - I can jot down anything that seems significant as I pray.
Here's to hoping that this works. I really would like to establish a more disciplined routine of spending time daily with God.
So, I promise I will explain the pictures in my last post, just not right at this moment. Just let me say that I was looking at them again this morning, sitting at my desk, and I love all of them. They epitomize moments, or emotions, or events of the summer, and that makes them special.
This morning I officially became one of the c-train ladies I used to mock in my head as I commuted to and from school. I wore running shoes with my dress pants and clothes, and carried my high heels in my bag. You see, I have had problems for years with the tendons in my feet developing tendonitis, and they were sore this morning, and I decided I didn't want to have to stand on the train in heels, or make the fifteen minute walk from the train to my office in heels, so I wore runners. You may now all engage in mocking laughter. But, in my defense, they are very cute runners (which I tried to find a picture of on the web, but couldn't, and which didn't in any way match or blend with my outfit!)
I'm trying to develop a bit more disciplined routine of prayer and bible reading. So I'm doing this thing, where, as I crawl into bed to read before I go to sleep, the first thing I read is a chapter of scripture. Then I grab a new journal I bought, a small one, and I write down one or two lines from the passage I just read that caught my attention. Two nights ago it was "the kingdom of God is near." Last night it was, "I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners," and "The sabbath was made to meet the needs of people, and not people to meet the requirements of the sabbath." After that, I write a short prayer, end it with Brennan Manning's prayer "Abba, I belong to you," and put the bible and journal away.
The thing that makes this a discipline is that it is the FIRST thing I do when I crawl into bed. It has priority. I don't pick up the novel that I left in a really tense place, I don't play something on my ipod, I don't flip through a magazine, any of the things I might do to unwind before sleeping, until this is done. It doesn't go by the wayside like my old routine, where I might read a novel, and then suddenly realize the time, and just choose to put off scripture reading until the next day.
And the little journal - it travels with me. If I'm thinking or praying on the c-train - which I often am - I can jot down anything that seems significant as I pray.
Here's to hoping that this works. I really would like to establish a more disciplined routine of spending time daily with God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
