Tea and Conversation

I sat/lay on a friend's living room floor most of last evening, drinking tea and sharing life. The boys had bailed on us for the evening (I mean, who sleeps before a road trip? You sleep when it's over, not before. LAME!) so it was just the two of us.

We had similar Christmases. Not particularly easy in any account. So we laid on the floor, drank tea, and shared. We dreamed about the next year, about travelling, about work, about where we see church and our group of friends going. We shared pain, and triumphs, and the little things that God is doing - or the BIG things (the ones that really hurt) that He is also doing.

And it was good. A much needed break from the intense family togetherness of the holidays. An escape from my house for the evening, and a chance to share hearts. Not to mention she makes some pretty good tea! (I think she's the only one I drink tea with - other than the occasional cup with my mom at home.)

The silence of a muddled mind

I've been trying to think of something to write here for the last few days. But the truth is, I'm kind of muddled right now.

I'm waiting with a friend as her mother inches ever closer to death. I'm on call for her 24/7, and that is taking my time. I go to bed each night wondering if this will be the night that my cell phone rings and wakes me - the night where I need to roll out of bed, climb in the car, and find a friend, with nothing more to offer than a hug.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that death is something that is part of life. That it is horrific, a harsh mercy, that it is not something that ever seems timely or fair. That it is draining. That it can induce fear, and that it can create great beauty and that it will bring great pain.

I'm learning about my own fears. And they are many. I'm learning that I don't have to live to the standard that exists in my head - that it is a false standard, and it is not failure when I don't achieve it.

I'm learning that I am Lisa. That I am not any one of a number of people in my life whom I greatly respect, but whose opinions, behaviours and standards I have come to realize that I measure myself by. The other night God spoke to me simply. "You don't have to measure up."

I'm learning to pray single words. To pray "Hallelujah - Glory to God" and "Immanuel - God with us." I'm learning this becuase these are the words God has spoken in the last week. I'm learning to pray them when they seem least applicable, to pray them when I feel them the least, to rest in them and take comfort in them.

I'm working through some painful wounds in my life. Some hurts from family that intensified during the last month.

I'm working on not carrying the load of my concerns myself, but on sharing them with friends, and primarily with God. This is not easy for a self-admitted control freak.

I'm coming to terms with the reality that Mike Yaconelli phrased like this:
"Brennan Manning wrote a children’s book that was rejected by Christian publishers because the name he had given for children for the Holy Spirit was “Danger”. And they said we’re not going to publish a book for little kids that tells them that the name for the Holy Spirit is “Dangerous”. And I’m thinking, “why? He is dangerous!” I’ve never understood why people get all kind of teary eyed, and they sing and go “oh holy spirit come into the room” Okay. I hope you know what that means. I hope you understand that as Thomas Merton said, that when the Holy Spirit shows up you’d better be prepared to die. This Christian faith is wild and dangerous and terrifying and it ought to revolutionize and turn our lives upside down… this is scary stuff…

The reality is that when Christ came into my life, He ruined it. I’ve never been the same since. When Jesus Christ comes into your life He doesn’t just come in and sprinkle a little wiffle dust on it and make us go “oh I just love singing and being with God” He scares the hell out of us. He frightens us....

I want to know how come so many Christians today are not terrified of God. I want to know why they’re not afraid of Him. I want to know why they think you can just come into the presence of God and of Christ and that nothing is going to change. He’s going to wreck your life. He’s going to ruin it. And it’s going to be a glorious ruining, and you’re going to be thrilled the whole time.

I'm muddled. And I think I'm okay with that. I'd like to be unmuddled, but since that doesn't seem to be something I can plan on happening anytime soon. Since God seems intent on "wrecking my life" at the moment, I guess I'll just sit back and enjoy the ride! The Holy Spirit has been dangerous as He has shown up in my life, but it has been a danger marked by intense beauty. What I've written here seems so sanitized, so very unmuddled. My words don't seem to communicate the "messy" nature of the last few weeks. So, I'll leave you with the assurance of my muddled mind, and the gratefulness that muddled is okay.

The Risk of Birth

I don't have anything profound of my own to share with you, other than wishes for a peaceful and joy-filled Christmas, but I do have my favorite Christmas poem, by Madeline L'Engle to share with you.

The Risk of Birth
This is no time for a child to be born,
With the earth betrayed by war & hate
And a nova lighting the sky to warn
That time runs out & the sun burns late.

That was no time for a child to be born,
In a land in the crushing grip of Rome;
Honour & truth were trampled by scorn -
Yet here did the Saviour make his home.

When is the time for love to be born?
The inn is full on the planet earth,
And by greed & pride the sky is torn -
Yet Love still takes the risk of birth.


MERRY CHRISTMAS!

To Do List

This is it - Christmas is only two days away, I'm done school permanently (well, at least until I decide what to study at seminary), I'm off work until Boxing Day, and I have a million things to do today. Here are some of them:

• Eat a nutritious breakfast consisting of a mandarin orange and a couple of Belgian chocolate seashells. Okay, so maybe nutritious is overstating a bit!
• Clean my bedroom, thus allowing for movement around the room, use of my reading chair, and space on my desk for scrapbooking and cardmaking projects that I want to attack.
• Find a small Christmas gift for a friend - she gave me a beautiful candle with a holder as a Christmas/Graduation present, and I'd like to find something small to show her in return how much I appreciate her.
• Hang pictures in my bedroom. I've been moved back in for a month or so, but haven't hung any of my pictures yet. I want it done before the whole extended family comes on Christmas day.
• Make the "bacon bites" that have become part of the traditional oerderve Christmas Eve meal at our house. What could be better than waterchestnuts soaked liberally in teriyaki sauce and brown sugar, wrapped with a strip of bacon, secured with a toothpick, and baked until they're nice and crispy. My family (not to mention me) would miss these little suckers if they weren't there on Christmas Eve when we sit down to eat.
• Write a nice, reflective Christmas post for this blog - okay, this one is still coming. Somehow a "to do" list doesn't quite count.
• Wrap all the Christmas presents I purchased and have stashed in my closet.
• Eat a few more Belgian chocolates.
• Go through some scrapbooking magazines and add any good ideas to my idea notebook.
• Clean the tub and shower tiles in the bathroom - this one I've been putting off for days, by mom will have a heart attack if it doesn't get done by the time everyone comes over for the Christmas Eve service tomorrow night (ah, the wonders of a father who pastors a church so tiny it can have a Christmas Eve service in our house), and for family Christmas dinner on Christmas Day.
• Hang out with a good friend tonight, before she heads home for Christmas for a few days.

Okay, I think that's it! And now, I must be off and attempt to accomplish at least the major portion of this list! Tomorrow and Saturday are coming quickly, and each day has more responsibilities. (For example, I'm the official "hot cider" maker for all major events - maybe because I'm the only one who drinks cider on a regular basis during the year and just have a knack for making realllly good spiced cider!)

Henri Nouwen Quote

I received the following short meditation written by Henri Nouwen in my email this morning. I found it profound, and thought I'd share it with all of you.

Light in the Darkness
We walk in a "ravine as dark as death" (Psalm 23:4), and still we have nothing to fear because God is at our side: God's staff and crook are there to soothe us (see Psalm 23:4). This is not just a consoling idea. It is an experience of the heart that we can trust.

Our lives are full of suffering, pain, disillusions, losses and grief, but they are also marked by visions of the coming of the Son of Man "like lightning striking in the east and flashing far into west" (Matthew 24:27). These moments in which we see clearly, hear loudly, and feel deeply that God is with us on the journey make us shine as a light into the darkness. Jesus says, "You are the light of the world. Your light must shine in people's sight, so that, seeing your good works, they may give praise to your Father in heaven" (Matthew 5:14-16).

Praying for a Miracle

What do you say when a friend calls to tell you that she was surprised her mom made it through the day, and wasn't sure she'd make it through the night? What do you say to the announcement that the cancer in her body has tripled in the last week or so, and that she is saying "I want to go home"? What do you say when confronted with the fact that one last Christmas with her mom - one without major family strife is the dream of my friend - and something that is only days away is still probably too far?

I've spent so much time with this friend over the last months. And we're praying for a miracle. Our house church is begging Jesus to give them Christmas together. If you have a minute these nexts days, we'd love for you to join us in this prayer. To pray that God's comfort will overwhelm this painful situation, that his presence will be known and felt in a powerful way in the lives of this family who lost a member last Christmas, and is poised to lose another one this year.

What is Success?

My aunt and uncle sent me a graduation card with this quote on the front of it. I loved it, because it applied so deeply to the last little while in my life - tiny little details that they wouldn't know because we never see each other, but so appropriate nonetheless. It encouraged me to have them recognize this achievement - I often feel very disconnected from Mom's family because of the distance that separates us, but it was special to have my one Christian uncle and his wife drop me a note congratulating me on my graduation. As I considered the time I've poured into others in the last month, the times my plans have changed because they weren't quite what God had in mind, and the number of people who have played a role in my school journey, and also in my spiritual journey, I can't help but appreciate what the card had to say. It read:

What is Success?
SETTING GOALS
but not in concrete
STAYING FOCUSED
but turning aside to help someone
FOLLOWING A PLAN
but remaining flexible
MOVING AHEAD
but not too fast to smell the flowers
TAKING A BOW
but applauding those
who had a part
in your success.

I'M DONE!!!!!

As of approximately 8:45 am this morning, I have officially completed my bachelor's degree (barring any unforseen issues with my final exams)!

I'M DONE!!!! And I'll be able to tell you how it feels, right after I take a nap, and a shower, and go out and party tonight!

A Pregnant Season

This is not going to be one of those sappy Christmas posts. In fact, I'm not entirely certain that I will be able to communicate the "epiphany" I had on the bus this afternoon. Maybe it was something just for me, for me and God, but it had me wishing for a pen and journal (of all the times to leave a journal at home in favor of an extra textbook...) so I thought I'd give a stab at writing it here for you.

I don't really remember what I was thinking about, probably the things I jotted in my previous post this afternoon, just before heading out to catch the bus and go to school to write an exam. But suddenly, as I watched the city lights twinkle against the sky, I was hit by an understanding of the advent season that is new to me.

The church calendar is full of seasons of waiting. Advent and Lent being two of the more well-known of these seasons. They are seasons that are pregnant - bursting with the promise of something important, something new. And that is what hit me. That these seasons are pregnant - that they have meaning because of their culminating event. Advent culminates in the birth of a savior, Lent in the resurrection of that same savior.

I have felt this sense of pregnancy, of urgency, of coming newness in my life this last while. I was feeling it particularly today, as I realized that I am within hours of completing the major goal of gaining a university education, and as I reflected on "mothering". I have this sense of growing newness, of something waiting to be birthed, to spring forth and amaze me. And I am annoyed that I cannot put my finger on it directly, that I cannot find words to share properly this realization of the advent season. But I am thrilled, for it promises to be something beautiful and new.

I am waiting with baited breath. Twelve hours from now I will have officially completed the requirements of my program. I will be the owner of a bachelor's degree. I don't think that moment, tomorrow morning, will be any sort of birthing - although it will be ecstatic. But that moment in the morning is only the beginning - I expect eagerly that new things will be brought to life, to light in me and in my life, and I am waiting with expectancy and what is becoming joy.

Two Funny Posts

On two completely unrelated items.

The first, from Rick Mercer, one of my favorite, truly sarcastic Canadian comics. Really and truly, you must appreciate this post. You can find it here. Remember, children are the future but beer is now.

The second, from a random link I found on one of the blogs I occasionally read. Signs the emerging church isn't for you. It can be found here.

Lacking Motivation

I find myself somewhat tired, and lacking in motivation today. I am less than 24 hours from completing the last final exam of my undergraduate degree, and instead of buckling down to study dilligently, I have lain in bed for much of the afternoon, consuming another of Chaim Potok's novels, and feeling slightly morose.

I made a phone call last night that resulted in great disappointment. I wonder sometimes, if this time in my life, when I am caring for others, is preparation for something. A while ago I was talking about "calling" with a friend of mine, and he suggested that my calling was to "mother". I cringed at the time - there are so many issues in my relationship with my parents that mothering is a scary concept at times. Mothering also carries the sense of responsibility, of intense love, that I did not want to commit myself to.

And yet, I begin to wonder if mothering has not been what this time of caring for others is about. I feel the exasperation of a parent of a slightly rebellious child - the exasperation that expresses itself in sarcastic statements of common sense. And today, I feel the disappointment I think a parent must feel, when they have given good advice, thought that it was accepted, and later found that it had been rejected, and that the consequences had caused the child to suffer pain.

But I am here. I am not a mother, except perhaps, figuratively in the lives of a select few. And I hope it stays that way for a time. I want the freedom to be and do and see the world before settling into the responsibilities of being a wife and mother.

I am thinking a lot about responsibility and freedom these days. I am dreaming of the ways the next year will play out. Of travel plans, and financial issues. Of emotional health, spiritual freedom, and time with people I love. Of the person I hope I will become, and the person I hope I will never become.

I feel the need to reconnect with certain old friends, to build greater bridges with somewhat newer friends. There is a newness to this season of my life - a freshness that is at once invigorating and confusing and terrifying.

These last days have been days lost in thought. On Saturday night I went to spend the evening with a friend. We talked for several hours. She asked a question, and I found myself in tears for the first time in over a year. She laughed as I cried, because she knew that this was a moment of importance.

I am perhaps, hormonal. I am certainly in pain. (I saw a doctor this morning who informed me that excruciating pain in my side is a result of sprained muscles surrounding my ribs, thanks to my still lingering cough.) And yet, I hope that these feelings are more than just hormones, or painful (or painkiller) delirium. I want them to be something more. To be something that will have bearing on my next year, and not something that will disappear as my hormones regulate themselves and my painful ribs heal.

I'm planning a party for tomorrow night. My closest friends and I will travel to Banff for dinner and a trip to the Hot Springs. We're going to celebrate the completion of my bachelor's degree. There are people missing - people I wish could join us. People who have unknowingly or knowingly played roles in my journey these past years. But those who have supported me in the month since God truly showed up will mostly be there. The people who I call in the midst of one of the crises I have dealt with. The people who have prayed with me, and answered questions for me, laughed at me, and watched as I have cried.

To those who won't be there - Dana, Stuart, a few others - I wish you could join me. Because I am not only celebrating graduation, but a newness in my Spiritual life - a journey that excites and scares me, but a journey upon which I can't wait to embark. And you have been part of this, for varying lengths of time, with varying levels of involvement, but I am unable to tell you how thankful I am.

Hallelujah

You should read this article. I thought that it was beautiful. Pay particular attention to the alternate ending lines of the song. They were my favorite part.

Withdrawal

A week or so ago, I was chatting with a girlfriend of mine about hanging out with our group of friends, and she commented, "If I don't see those guys every couple days, I get withdrawal." At the time I laughed at her. At the time.

I think I'm in friend withdrawal. I haven't seen or talked to anyone since Tuesday, and I've been studying and working all week, and I miss them. It's crazy, but I'm sitting here in my bedroom, cranky because I'm tired of being at home, but not willing to go out by myself. Here's to hoping I get a phone call tonight, with an invitation to hang out. Because I'm seeing a friend tomorrow, but studying with her for a final exam on Monday night just doesn't quite count as "fun"!

Three finals down, two to go. By 10am Tuesday, I will be a free woman!

See it to Believe It

I came across another truly fabulous "Jesus Junk" type item today. You really need to look at this. It's one of those "you have to see it to believe it" type items.

Chocolate

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds. You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life. Also nostelgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

There you have it... milk chocolate - that's what I am. We just won't tell people that I'm lactose intolerant and that if I eat too much milk chocolate I'll be ill. But, it is my favorite chocolate - dark stuff is too bitter, and white chocolate is too waxy.

Learning to Give up the Rights to Myself

I'm studying for a final this afternoon, and I threw some DC Talk on the stereo for background music. But, the following stanza from the song "My Will" grabbed my attention:

I'm learning to give up the rights to myself

the bits and the pieces I've gathered as wealth

could never compare to the joy that You bring me

the peace that You show me is the strength that I need.

This is what I'm doing again this week - this is what I've been doing over the past month. The realization that I don't control things is a sobering one. It is not such an easy thing to give up the "bits and pieces I've gathered as wealth." But the moments of joy and peace make it so very worthwhile.

My 100th Post!

Okay, I really just wanted to put up an anonymous quote that I found yesterday:

Dear Lord,

please put your arm

around my shoulder

and your hand

over my mouth.

I thought it rather truthful, no?

Practicality

Can common sense be a spiritual gift? Because really, most days I don't think I'm all that spiritually perceptive, but I think I have an awfully practical way of looking at things...

For example, I just called a friend. Someone called me to let me in on a possible crisis, and so I gave her a call. When she hadn't been able to reach me originally, she tried another friend. That friend seemed busy, so rather than saying there was a crisis in the mix, she moved on and phoned someone else. That someone wasn't that helpful to her, but that someone called me.

So, I called her. She was thinking about running away, and needed a reason not to. My reasons felt ridiculously practical to me. "Well, you committed to not doing things that were harmful to yourself. Running away from this situation is harming yourself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You also promised to meet a bunch of us for dinner tomorrow night."

And then, I became even more practical. "Leave the bus station." She said she needed motivation to get up. "I'm your motivation. Get up and leave the bus station." And she did.

But here's the thing. I usually don't have what I would define as "deep spiritual insights" into the lives of my friends. But I have lots of practical advice. Call someone when you need help. Tell them what's actually going on when you do call. Don't call someone who has consistently given you bad advice. Call before you self-destruct. Don't harm yourself because it's only going to help for a moment, and then you're just going to have more baggage to deal with. These are the kinds of things that come out of my mouth, and I hope they're from God.

Schtuff...

Wow, another truly original title on my part! Hey, what can I say - I'm tired, and my brain is less functional when I'm tired. So, another bullet point update for you...

• Narnia: The movie was fantastic. But, I'm such a book geek. Yes, the movie was fairly true to the book. I was trying to describe my thoughts about the movie for my dad (who introduced my brothers and I to Narnia, and created my vision of the characters by giving them voices and personalities as he read the stories to us), and the best I could come up with is this: "The movie is magical. But Narnia is more magical in my head. The Narnia in my mind has more color, more body, more depth, more personality (and personalities!) than what the creators of the movie (who did an admittedly fantastic job) put on the screen."
• I'm reading a pair of great novels. They're by an author named Chaim Potok, and are titled The Chosen and The Promise. They're powerful pieces of work. But what truly fascinates me is the fact that they are about two Orthodox Jewish boys/young men. I love the way Potok (who is himself a Rabbi, I believe) handles the issue of they faith of his characters. It is central to the story, but it is also something to be wrestled with, questioned, and explored. The novels are also rich in history, and that "coming of age" style narrative that always grabs my attention. You should all read these two books.
• I'm tired. The stress of the last month finally caught up to me, and I spent a great deal of last week in an extremely crabby mood. (Not to mention that my sleep became more and more disturbed by unsettling dreams again. And the depression kicked up a notch too.) God got my attention yesterday morning, and I had to deal with some stuff throughout the day. The long and short of it is that as the stress piled on, instead of approaching God in the way I have been learning since that night a month ago, the open-handed way, I chose instead to carry more and more of the burden myself. So, things were difficult in my life - what was I going to do about it - how was I going to handle it? Things were bad for my friend - what was my response going to be? It was all about ME. And God quietly reminded me that I needed to go back to praying, "My life is open to You, use me however You choose." And not praying in a militant "why is this happening to me, and why aren't you doing anything manner". Basically, He challenged me to open my hands and resubmit myself to His hands and control - to stop doing for myself, and allow Him to do. And it was not an easy realization - to see how quickly I slipped from the better place I was in for those weeks to the place where I was controlling, and scared, and demanding, and depressed. And the more I controlled, the crabbier and more exhausted I became. Funny how that works. It wasn't easy but I am committed to hold my life before Him with open hands. Now, if you would all just keep reminding me of this!
• I start final exams this week. Pray for my concentration. I'm really not a very dedicated student, even though I love to learn. It will take discipline that I don't always possess to devote the necessary time to preparing for this last set of final exams.
• Eight days - in eight days I will be done my bachelor's degree!

The Woman's Creed

Thinking About Women and the Christian Church.

I've got to admit that I've never really given much thought to this topic until recently. Yeah, I knew that in the circles I grew up in, I would never become a pastor, but I wasn't too worried - I didn't want to be a pastor anyway - I knew the fish bowl like existence of that world, and wasn't interested in that being part of the rest of my life.

I'm a history major with a specialty in European religious history, but I've zealously avoided topics such as feminist theology, womens' roles in various ages of the church, female mystics, and so on... until recently.

I started to get interested in more "feminist" (a word I hesitate to use, because I'm not sure I can find a definition I'm entirely comfortable subscribing to) topics about a year ago, when I was studying the Moravians. Count von Zinzendorf had a theology of the family in relation to the Trinity, viewing aspects of both Christ and of the Holy Spirit as female in nature and role. At the time, I wrote the ideas off as fascinating if somewhat sketchy.

I've spent a great deal of time over the past several months reading spiritual autobiographies, and plan to devote quite a bit more time in the new year to doing extensive research. As I read the stories of some women, and began to deal with issues in my own relationship with God and with my dad, I began to become more interested in the idea of a "feminine" God, or at least a God who valued women highly. I'm by no means ready to subscribe to the idea of a female God, but I can certainly see feminine traits in the character of God. On the other hand, I don't really subscribe to a "male" God either - God is spirit, and thus neither male nor female.

My thinking has been particularly shaped by Renee Altson in her book Stumbling Toward Faith and in some of the posts at her blog. The things Renee has to say have challenged me. I have also been shaped by some words from John and Stasi Eldredge's Captivating. Early in the book (of which I only read a couple chapters) they talk about the fact that not just men are created in the image of God - but women are too, and discuss the aspects of God's character that women seem to mirror - things like God's compassion, his relational nature. Interestingly, these aspects of God are the ones I have struggled to understand. I have been comfortable with an authoritarian God, but surprised and overwhelmed by a gracious, loving and relational God.

My final term paper of my degree was the first one I have ever written on a feminist topic. I examined the fact that the feminist movement in North America was birthed by the evangelical revival movement. Famous evangelical revival preacher, Charles Grandison Finney, was one of the first men to encourage women to preach and pray publicly at what in the nineteenth century were quaintly termed 'promiscuous' meetings (meetings of mixed gender). Finney was a strong advocate of higher education for women. The feminist movement in the nineteenth century was inextricably linked to the evangelical church. I came away from the paper asking the question, "what happened?" or "what changed?" I can't answer that one for you.

I attended a lecture this morning in one of my classes on "liberation theology" and the "feminist theology" that is closely tied to this. It is an interesting topic. The professor gave us a copy of a "creed" that one feminist theologian wrote. I found it strikingly biblical, and challenging. The author, Rachel Conrad Wahlberg, wrote "The Woman's Creed" in 1978 after reflecting for a time on the Apostle's Creed. I would not use her creed in a liturgy, as it lacks discussion of key elements of faith such as the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ, but I find her conception of Jesus and his relationship to women fascinating. So, I thought I'd share it with you!

I believe in God
who created woman and man in God's own image
who created the world
and gave both sexes
the care of the earth.

I believe in Jesus
child of God
chosen of God
born of the woman Mary
who listened to women and liked them
who stayed in their homes
who discussed the Kingdom with them
who was followed and financed
by women disciples.

I believe in Jesus
who discussed theology with a woman at a well
and first confided in her
his messiahship
who motivated her to go and tell
her great news to the city.

I believe in Jesus who received anointing
from a woman at Simon's house
who rebuked the men guests who scorned her
I believe in Jesus
who said this woman will be remembered
for what she did -
minister to Jesus.

I believe in Jesus
who acted boldly
to reject the blood taboo
of ancient societies
by healing the audacious woman who touched him.

I believe in Jesus who healed a woman
on the sabbath
and made her straight
because she was
a human being.

I believe in Jesus
who spoke of God
as a woman seeking the lost coin
as a woman who swept
seeking the lost.

I believe in Jesus
who thought of pregnancy and birth
with reverence
not as punishment - but
as wrenching event
a metaphor for transformation
born again
anguish-into-joy.

I believe in Jesus
who spoke of himself
as a mother her
who would gather her chicks
under her wings.

I believe in Jesus who appeared
first to Mary Magdalene
who sent her with the bursting message
GO AND TELL...

I believe in the wholeness
of the Savior
in whom there is neither
Jew nor Greek
slave nor free
male nor female
for we are all one
in salvation.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
as she moves over the waters
of creation
and over the earth.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
as she yearns within us
to pray for those things
too deep for words.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
the woman spirit of God*
who like a hen
created us
and gave us birth
and covers us
with her wings.

*the Hebrew word for Spirit is feminine

So, there you have it. I like this picture of a God who values me as female, who presents important messages to women. I don't have all the answers, I certainly don't subscribe most days to a feminist (there's that awful word again) mindset, but I can subscribe to this God, who values me, who created me uniquely female, and says that there is something beautiful in that.

Some Merton...

Just because I liked it. To be perfectly honest, I haven't read much Merton. A friend (that would be you Mr. Klaszus - if in fact you still lurk around here occasionally) tried to get me into it a while back, when we were in the midst of a heated written debate on just war theory, but I never quite got into it. I'm attempting again. But, I happened to be assigned some passages from Merton for one of my classes, and found a couple of (what I think are) stellar quotes. So, here you go - some Merton to tide you over until I've actually read something of substance by him!

The real purpose of meditation - or at least that which recommends itself as most relevant for the modern man - is the exploration and discovery of new dimensions in freedom, illumination and love, in deepening our awareness of our life in Christ.
What is the relation of this to action? Simply this. He who attempts to act and do things for others or for the world without deepening his own self-understanding, freedom, integrity and capacity to love, will not have anything to give others. He will communicate to them nothing but the contagion of his own obsessions, his agressiveness, his ego-centered ambitions, his delusions about ends and means, his doctrinaire prejudices and ideas. (From "Comtemplation in a World of Action.")

Things I Never Thought I'd Say

So, I’m sitting in a car tonight, on the way home from a wedding, and listening to (and sometimes taking part in) a conversation about relationships between guys and girls. And then, we switch cars, but I’m alone now with one of the people from the first car, and she’s still talking about this conversation, frustrated by it’s lack of resolution, and so finally, I just get fed up, and I start talking. And I’m sitting there, and as I’m talking, I’m thinking, “I never thought that would come out of my mouth.”

We were talking about being single versus being part of a couple. And so I started there. I’m happy (most of the time) being single. I feel like I’m in such a good place at the moment. I’m 22 years old, I’ve never dated, and never been kissed, and I’m okay with that. I’m so not in a hurry for these things. There are so many things I want to do that marriage would make harder. I’m open to the possibility of a relationship, but it needs to be a natural thing. (Note, this did not really surprise me when I said it. I’ve been okay being single for quite some time.)

But then, I moved on.

I looked at my friend (who is, like me, a control freak) and commented, “You know, if you’d asked me two years ago what my life would look like today, this is not what I would have described.” I started university four years ago, and I KNEW what I was going to do with my life. Today, I’m seventeen days from graduating, and I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life. Starting December 21st, for the first time in 17 years, I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do with major portions of my life for the next year. Yeah, I still like to make plans, but I’m okay with spur of the moment, or even with last minute changes.

The last month of my life has been insane. I can give you the specific date it changed. November 1, 2005. God stepped into my life on that day, and did some crazy things. He’s continued to do some crazy things. I’ve poured hours and hours into caring for friends in crisis this month. I’ve fought illness that’s been hanging around off-and-on since mid-October. I’ve written several term papers, midterms, and generally been extremely stressed by school. I’ve been overwhelmed by the areas of my life God has been touching. I’ve been delighted to realize that for the first time in my life I have a strong network of supportive, spiritually and emotionally healthy friends who care and pray as I step into crisis situation after crisis situation, and as God begins to open and heal my own wounds.

And here’s the funny part. I’ve always hated those classic “Christian” stories where someone describes some kind of intense period of their lives – usually a really painful time – and they get to the end of the story, and say, “I wouldn’t trade this time in my life, despite the pain, for anything in the world.” Something inside of my always went, “yeah right, you’re so not telling the whole truth.”

So, let me say it. I wouldn’t trade the last month of my life for anything on the planet. I mean it. It’s been absolutely INSANE, and I would not want it to have been anything different.

God is revealing Himself to me, and it’s blowing my mind. He is showing up in ways in my life that I would never have chosen for myself. He is touching old wounds, opening them and making them raw, and beginning to let me see healing. He is speaking even in the moments I have trouble distinguishing his voice. He is calling me to serve Him with my life and breath. He has handed me situations I never thought I’d deal with, and giving me the grace to walk friends through them. He has provided me with friends who are encouraging me on the journey, who are supporting me, praying for and with me, hearing God on my behalf. He is working. I have a sense of hope that was absent for the past years.

And here’s the thing. The most dangerous prayer I have ever prayed is, “God, my life is open to You. Do whatever You desire, use me if you want, and I don’t care how it looks.” That’s not an easy thing for a self-admitted control freak to pray. But, since that crazy day just over a month ago, it is the prayer I breath nightly as I fall asleep. It is the prayer on my lips as I ride transit every day, as I go to a job that can be less than exciting some days, as I pick up a crisis phone call. And it is the deep cry of my heart. I long to know Him intimately, to be sold out for Him, to know and understand His heart for me.

I have no idea where the next year is going to take me, but I’m excited. I sense His call on my life, and somehow, I know that something changed that day last month. I know that I will never be the same person I used to be. And I’m terrified, and ecstatic, and apprehensive, and overwhelmed, and I can’t wait for what’s coming next.

Wedding

I'm off in an hour or so to spend the day at the wedding of a friend in Canmore. Nice!

This friend went to Poland as a missionary, met a guy, and now they're getting married and planning to move back to Poland to serve God together in a year or so. Crazy story, but fun! So that's all I need to do - accept a call from God to the mission field, and I'll end up married!

I'm having a few dress issues. It took me at least an hour last night to figure it out. Oh well, I think I look okay now, and I'm taking jeans and a t-shirt for the drive home after the wedding - no sense being uncomfortable any longer than absolutely necessary!

And, I bought the funniest t-shirt ever yesterday on my break at work, and I can't wait to wear it. It says:

Blondes have more fun.

Brunettes can read.

And with that profound thought, I'm off to make breakfast before I finish getting ready for the wedding! Have a truly excellent day y'all!

unguarded...

I'm not sure it's a very smart idea to write a post at this moment. My thoughts are rather unguarded - a side effect of intense lack of sleep.

I've slept approximately 2 and a half hours. You see, I had one last term paper due this morning. The last term paper of my undergraduate degree. The only problem was, I got called into work early yesterday, so it didn't get started before my shift. So, I worked until 9, got home around 10, made my nightly hour long phone call to my friend in crisis, and started the paper around 11. I finished at 4:20 this morning, was asleep somewhere around 4:45, and got up to go to school and hand the paper in at 7:30ish. So, a couple hours sleep.

I'm actually surprisingly alert, if tired. But, as I was taking the bus home, it hit me that my thoughts are unguarded and emotional in a way they aren't usually. I'm thinking about a lot of stuff. Particularly about the raw areas of my life that God opened on Tuesday. I'm just now having the downtime necessary to begin to allow it to penetrate, to begin to process. And it hurts.

In light of that, and the fact that I really do need to go back to school for my evening class, I think I'm going to go take a nap. I think this batch needs to be processed in the privacy of my paper journal, before I share it with the world! Unguarded is safe in a book that no one but me will ever see.