Listing

In case you hadn't figured it out from several of my previous posts, I am somewhat of a list fanatic. I will attempt many things, as long as they are on my list for the day. I make mental lists. I plan my day, and what I'm going to pack for trips in lists. Lists are my attempt at controlling the uncontrollable. Most days it doesn't matter if I stick to them too closely, as long as they are there, giving me the comfort and security of knowing that I at least attempted to plan my day!

And so, today on my first day off in a while, I have a list of what I need to do (and the rationale in my head as to why I need to do them):

• pick up the book that is waiting for me on hold at the Library
• finish organizing bedroom - I now have all my furniture, and my parents are getting restless about the boxes of things still living on my floor.
• put the things I'm storing for right now up into the garage attic - dad is getting annoyed and wants his floor space back for work
• pick the raspberries and strawberries - mom comes home tomorrow and dad is covering the bases with whoever happens to be around when the idea occurs
• clean the bathroom - same logic as the raspberries, but also one of my usual weekly chores
• make phone calls - there are some people I need to catch up with.
• spend time writing - I've been putting it off for a week, and I think I need to vent. The tears that bubbled out of my while I watched a movie last night, and read a novel start to finish in one sitting until 2am are probably a good indicator that I need the release of writing down some things that have percolated for a week or so.

With all that listed, it's time to go get started. I'll change out of my pajamas and head into my day.

An Excellent Afternoon

For the record, my last post was quite tongue-in-cheek. Just in case you missed that. It was true that I felt much more self-confident in nice clothes, and that I was noticed, but I also felt better simply because I devoted more time to caring for myself, to caring about my appearance, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

With that said, let me tell you that my afternoon of "retail therapy" has left me in a fabulous mood. It was a great time of good conversation, walking all over downtown Calgary in search of fun shoe shops and to avoid buying a transit ticket, and just generally having a good time. We hit two bookstores, and I bought books at each. (I have a disease where I can't walk into a bookstore without purchasing at least one book.) I bought some "unmentionable" items, and...

I'll have you know that I did find the "perfect" pair of shoes. If I had a digital camera, I'd put a picture here so you could all appreciate them with me. Since I don't, you'll have to either take my word for it or invite me out to dinner so that I have an excuse to wear them!

We wrapped up our afternoon with Vietnamese food at a little restaurant on Stephen Avenue. Vietnamese is my current favorite ethnic food - and it's affordable, comes quickly, and is (at least this is what I tell myself) relatively healthy. It was the perfect way to wrap up the afternoon.

Now that you know that I spent far too much money today, and had a great time doing it, I have to go bake a chocolate cake. My bible study is at my house tomorrow night, and I need to have something on hand to feed them! If you attend that Bible study, bring your appetite, because I don't really want a ton of leftover chocolate cake sitting around my house and tempting me to eat until all of my new clothes don't fit anymore!

Retail Therapy

I wrote about this in my "private" paper journal on Saturday night, but thought, after conversation with a couple friends, that I'd put some of it here, too. It's shallow, possibly facetious, slightly tongue-in-cheek, hopefully amusing, and somewhat truthful. Have fun!

I felt especially shallow all evening Saturday and all day on Sunday. Saturday night after work, I went shopping. I spent more money in one shot than normal for me, and purchased something like eight new tops, a scarf, and a couple of cool pieces of jewelry.

I went shopping because I needed some white tops for work - the dress code at my job is very waitress like - white on top, black on the bottom, black shoes. Then slap an ugly polyester vest over top with a store logo and a nametag, and you're good to go. UGLY! The problem with having to wear white tops for work is that they never stay white for very long - they always turn a sort of grayish color. Plus, if you're working five days a week, you can only wear the same two or three tops for so long before you want to kill something. So, I went out to buy white tops, and came home with three plus several other pieces as mentioned above.

None of this explains to you why I felt shallow. I spent something like $150, and bought not only clothes, but a temporary dose of self confidence. That's where the shallow comes in - $150 for a day of feeling better about myself?? I don't know who coined the term "retail therapy" but it did wonders for me on Saturday night. I put on the clothes that I knew made me look nice - nicer than normal that is, and I felt like a different person. I felt like I stood out. I felt like I would be noticed instead of blending into the background.

What is it about girls and clothes? Why is it that just the right outfit can make us feel so much better about ourselves - so much sexier and more attractive? And should a " good Christian girl" really be looking to be "sexier" anyway?! Do guys have this issue? Can just the right top, or that perfect pair of shoes make a guy feel better about who he is?

The truly funny part about all of this is that I really must have looked nicer, or different or something. I spent about half an hour getting ready for church last night - more than my usual ten minute run a brush through the hair, slap on some makeup and leave routine. I picked the right clothes, styled my new haircut (I cut something like 6-8 inches off my hair about two weeks ago), and headed out. No less than TWO guys who never normally compliment my appearance told me that they liked my outfit and noticed my hair looked different.

So, since it worked, I'm going shopping this afternoon with a friend! No, actually we are going for coffee, but then we are going to spend the afternoon at a number of different shops. She needs shoes for work. I have been on a summer long quest for the perfect sexy shoe - something to dress up a pair of jeans for dinner out, or look fantastic with a skirt or dress. We're going to hit a bookstore, and maybe a couple other places too. Today, though, is not so much about retail therapy as it is about sharing time with a new but quickly becoming deep/close friend. If we get the perfect pair of shoes out of the bargain, so much the better! As another friend would say "I feel like such a girl!"

Quote of the Moment

I've been collecting quotes for ages. Whenever I find a good one, I jot it and its source on an index card, and file them alphabetically by author in a box. I think I'll start putting some of them up here every once in a while.

The quote of the moment happens to be the first one I grabbed from my alphabetical box, but rather applicable to my life anyway. It's from "The Confessions" by Augustine.

"Through your own merciful dealings with me, O Lord my God, tell me what you are to me. Say to my soul, I am your salvation. Say it so that I can hear it. My heart is listening, Lord; open the ears of my heart and say to my soul, I am your salvation. Let me run toward this voice and seize hold of you. Do not hide your face from me: let me die so that I may see it, for not to see it would be death to me indeed."

List of Favorites

It's been a while again since I've published a list of all things favored in the present moment by myself! So, without further ado, here is the current list of Lisa's favorites, in no particular order.

Books

• Stumbling Toward Faith by Renee Altson. I devoted a whole post to this one. I have purchased it for friends, one of whom is planning to read a quote from it when sharing her own story to a group of people. This book was/is the most powerful thing I have read in an extraordinarily long time. Everyone should buy it and read it, and then you should all buy a copy and give it to a friend, so even more people can read it!
• Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I know, I know, the rest of the "Christian" world read this one a year and a half ago. So, I just finished it about a month ago. It was still a fascinating and worthwhile read, and worthy of mention here.
• The Mitford Years series, by Jan Karon. Fun novels, set in a small town, about an Episcopal priest. Clean, funny, poignant, enjoyable. They somehow manage to be somewhat profound instead of trite.
• The Ashley Stockingdale novels, by Kristin Billerbeck. There are three, and I read them all on my five day mini vacation last week. Light brain candy reading. Funny and enjoyable chick lit!
• The Word on the Street by Rob Lacey. This British actor/writer/singer/dancer/artist has done a fabulous job of rewriting portions of the Bible in fun, modern language. I have been reading this one because it's been so hard to pick up the "actual" scriptures lately. The Bible with a British twist, written while Lacey was in the throes of a battle with terminal cancer is a refreshing way to read scripture.

Music

• Sons and Daughters Steve Bell. I love Steve Bell. I love the depth of his lyrics. I love that they are not the trite worship songs that seem to appear so regularly right now. I've had this album for a while, but have been listening to it again recently, and loving it all over again.
• The Mystery Vineyard Music. I don't know why, I just like this one. It's different, not your typical worship songs (although we do sing a number of them at my church). I especially like track 11 - Rescue Me. The words are quite powerful.

Books on CD

• For Matrimonial Purposes by Kavita Daswani, read by Anne Flosnik. A funny story about a young Indian woman who is looking to fulfill the cultural and parental goal of finding a husband. Quite well read, amusing, and ultimately a fun, fairly clean (some of the language is a bit rought) story about finding oneself and finding love along the way. (If you live in Calgary, you can get this one at the Public Library - that's where I happened to pick it up.)

Movies

• The Motorcycle Diaries Another one that everyone but me saw months ago. Still, the story was beautiful, fascinating and profound. It presents an interesting picture of Che Guevera who, despite being one semester away from a degree in history, I only vaguely knew of as a marxist revolutionary in Cuba, who appears on t-shirts and posters to this day. The story is so intriguing that I intend to do a bit more reading on his life in the next few weeks before school starts again.

So, there you have it! My current list of all things making me think, laugh, meditate etc. Pick some of them up, and then leave me your thoughts on them. I sometimes think my picks are entirely random, and that I'm the only person in the whole world who would enjoy them!

Stumbling Towards Faith

I read a book over the last week and a half that has changed my life. I can't really tell you how it has changed me, but it has changed me. I understand some things about myself better. I understand that I am not as alone as I have felt in some of the struggles I have been going through - the depression, the questions about God and faith, the anger.

I started reading it on the Monday two weeks ago, the night after my church spent the evening teaching on the passage in Mark about Jesus delivering the demon possessed boy. You know the passage. It's the one that ends with the statement that I think is one of the most profound in scripture. The father of the boy says to Jesus, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief."

In the two weeks since I started to read this book, I have been telling everyone I know to pick it up and read it. I started thinking about that last night. Some of my friends are not going to "get" this book. I think they'll think I'm a heretic or something for loving it. But there is something so refreshingly honest, so real, so beautiful about the author's words - about the way she expresses the wounds inflicted upon her, and the way she progresses towards healing. The book does not resolve. I told a friend that last night (one of the friends who probably won't "get" this book because she doesn't understand my depression either), and she said that maybe the author did that so that she can write another book. I don't care. If she writes another book, I'll buy it based on the beauty I found in this one, but I love that this first book doesn't resolve. That the author wrestles throughout with Christians with pat answers, and that she doesn't become one is astounding. She is still processing. Yes, there is hope, and it is brilliant in light of her journey, but her last statement is somewhat more profound. She quotes the father from Mark, "i do believe. help thou, o god, my unbelief."

This book is artistic - interspersed with photography and the author's stunning poetry. there are no capital letters in sight - something I as a grammar freak never thought would work, but something that adds immense power to her words.

This book is a story of abuse, of woundedness, of questioning, and ultimately of the beginnings of healing. I still think everyone should read it, even if they don't "get" it. Maybe for those who don't "get" it, it will be a stretching exercise, a way to see into the lives of their friends and family who live in darker places than they themselves inhabit.

Now that I've set you up, the book that you must go and buy has the same title as this post. It is called "stumbling toward faith: my longing to heal from the evil that God allowed." The author is Renee Altson, and her words are beautiful and powerful. Her story is powerful. It's a little book - you could probably read it in a day if you wanted, but take time with it, and really absorb her words. You should see my copy - the paragraph on paragraph that I have marked, because I related or knew someone who would, because I was forced to stop and take stock of things in my own life that this touched upon.

Reading this book has given voice to some areas of my life that were long silenced. It has defined some wounds, and the ultimate desires for healing and freedom from those same wounds. Go read the book!

Bono on Faith

I recently found this link to an interesting excerpt from a new book about Bono. I thought he had some interesting things to say. Check it out here.

22

So, I'm older than when I last posted. I celebrated my 22nd birthday on Sunday. I don't know how much this really matters to me. Time has had a way of blurring due to the realities of my life in the last year.

I thoroughly enjoyed having five days in a row off. I should do that more often! I rented a car and drove through the mountains all day on Saturday. It was beautiful. Just me, my younger brother, some great tunes, good conversation, and beautiful scenery. I should do that more often too.

Saturday night I drove myself to a parking lot that has become a favorite place of mine. I sat in the dark, looking over the city lights, watching planes land, listening to music, thinking and journalling. It was a special time. Just me, and my journal, and God. I didn't have much to say to Him, I said it quickly, and then just sat, finally quiet with Him. It wasn't anything that was stunningly profound, just time away, time to regroup, to focus some thoughts.

I have more questions than answers. I wonder if I'll always be that way. I have more wounds than cures. I hope I won't always be that way.

I had a conversation with a good friend last night, sharing honestly with him the depth of pain and desperation in which I have found myself this last month. He said something that made me pause. He said that maybe this is a good thing, because now, I desperately need the salvation of God - that I am learning the meaning of daily salvation. He might be right.

of all the liars...

A few months ago when I started this blog, it was simply a way for me to chronicle my journey of life. I wasn't finding the time or motivation to write essays and share them with others as had been my previous practice, so I succumbed to the world of blogging, and decided to share my thoughts in their shorter, less polished forms.

At that time, I titled the blog "Of All the Liars in the World" from an anonymous quote that sits on my desk that reads, "of all the liars in the world sometimes the worst are your own fears." It was a thought that is profound to someone who battles overwhelming fears on a daily basis. It was intended to be a reminder for me not to trust the things that my fears were speaking to me.

In the last week as I have had my faith challenged by some dear friends, and as I have personally wrestled and struggled with what the next steps in my life are, my fears have been speaking loudly. They have greatly intensified, and with them my depression has also grown.

The truth is that God told me many months ago what my next step should be, and I have chosen over and over to ignore him. This thing he asks of me is terrifying, it is something which I must enter alone, and it is something that is more scary than any other thing in my life. How can he be calling me to something which will leave my wounds open and exposed? How can he be asking me to allow my pain to surface? No one, not even God could possibly love me if the depths of my fears, my depression, my lack of trust in God and others was ever revealed.

On the other hand, it's not all that easy to love me now. I am a hard person to be around, and I often find it hard to be around people. I spend much of my time alone, because it feels safer, it is easier than pretending that life is rosy. I have been irritable lately - snapping wrongly at people who don't deserve it. I recognized on Tuesday night that this is a symptom of the pain and the deeper issues I am still hoping to avoid dealing with. I want healing desperately, but am not sure I want it at the expense of my dignity, of my sense of security, of my tenuous emotional stability.

I know so much of this struggle is a living and breathing spiritual thing. And yet, I wonder still how much of the range of emotions, the battle with depression is genetic? Several members of my extended family have suffered from or continue to suffer from depression. My uncle is bipolar. And yet, I have to acknowledge the circumstances of pain that have caused the depression in my family members, and the healing of that depression that has occurred as their wounds were healed.

I am stuck with this conclusion. I am no longer able to battle the fears in my life alone, and yet I find it an equally terrifying proposition to confide these fears to another person or persons and ask them to pray. I know my fears are liars, but I find myself caught this week in the stranglehold of their lies. I think I'll use my time off this weekend to gather my courage and begin to take steps. I'm going to the mountains again - with my brother this time, to share life, to quiet my fears, to gain courage to share these fears and ask for prayer.

I am caught again by the words of the father of the demon possessed boy to Jesus. They have shown up again and again this week - in church, at house church, and in books that I've been reading. "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief." God, help me.