Tea and Conversation

I sat/lay on a friend's living room floor most of last evening, drinking tea and sharing life. The boys had bailed on us for the evening (I mean, who sleeps before a road trip? You sleep when it's over, not before. LAME!) so it was just the two of us.

We had similar Christmases. Not particularly easy in any account. So we laid on the floor, drank tea, and shared. We dreamed about the next year, about travelling, about work, about where we see church and our group of friends going. We shared pain, and triumphs, and the little things that God is doing - or the BIG things (the ones that really hurt) that He is also doing.

And it was good. A much needed break from the intense family togetherness of the holidays. An escape from my house for the evening, and a chance to share hearts. Not to mention she makes some pretty good tea! (I think she's the only one I drink tea with - other than the occasional cup with my mom at home.)

The silence of a muddled mind

I've been trying to think of something to write here for the last few days. But the truth is, I'm kind of muddled right now.

I'm waiting with a friend as her mother inches ever closer to death. I'm on call for her 24/7, and that is taking my time. I go to bed each night wondering if this will be the night that my cell phone rings and wakes me - the night where I need to roll out of bed, climb in the car, and find a friend, with nothing more to offer than a hug.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that death is something that is part of life. That it is horrific, a harsh mercy, that it is not something that ever seems timely or fair. That it is draining. That it can induce fear, and that it can create great beauty and that it will bring great pain.

I'm learning about my own fears. And they are many. I'm learning that I don't have to live to the standard that exists in my head - that it is a false standard, and it is not failure when I don't achieve it.

I'm learning that I am Lisa. That I am not any one of a number of people in my life whom I greatly respect, but whose opinions, behaviours and standards I have come to realize that I measure myself by. The other night God spoke to me simply. "You don't have to measure up."

I'm learning to pray single words. To pray "Hallelujah - Glory to God" and "Immanuel - God with us." I'm learning this becuase these are the words God has spoken in the last week. I'm learning to pray them when they seem least applicable, to pray them when I feel them the least, to rest in them and take comfort in them.

I'm working through some painful wounds in my life. Some hurts from family that intensified during the last month.

I'm working on not carrying the load of my concerns myself, but on sharing them with friends, and primarily with God. This is not easy for a self-admitted control freak.

I'm coming to terms with the reality that Mike Yaconelli phrased like this:
"Brennan Manning wrote a children’s book that was rejected by Christian publishers because the name he had given for children for the Holy Spirit was “Danger”. And they said we’re not going to publish a book for little kids that tells them that the name for the Holy Spirit is “Dangerous”. And I’m thinking, “why? He is dangerous!” I’ve never understood why people get all kind of teary eyed, and they sing and go “oh holy spirit come into the room” Okay. I hope you know what that means. I hope you understand that as Thomas Merton said, that when the Holy Spirit shows up you’d better be prepared to die. This Christian faith is wild and dangerous and terrifying and it ought to revolutionize and turn our lives upside down… this is scary stuff…

The reality is that when Christ came into my life, He ruined it. I’ve never been the same since. When Jesus Christ comes into your life He doesn’t just come in and sprinkle a little wiffle dust on it and make us go “oh I just love singing and being with God” He scares the hell out of us. He frightens us....

I want to know how come so many Christians today are not terrified of God. I want to know why they’re not afraid of Him. I want to know why they think you can just come into the presence of God and of Christ and that nothing is going to change. He’s going to wreck your life. He’s going to ruin it. And it’s going to be a glorious ruining, and you’re going to be thrilled the whole time.

I'm muddled. And I think I'm okay with that. I'd like to be unmuddled, but since that doesn't seem to be something I can plan on happening anytime soon. Since God seems intent on "wrecking my life" at the moment, I guess I'll just sit back and enjoy the ride! The Holy Spirit has been dangerous as He has shown up in my life, but it has been a danger marked by intense beauty. What I've written here seems so sanitized, so very unmuddled. My words don't seem to communicate the "messy" nature of the last few weeks. So, I'll leave you with the assurance of my muddled mind, and the gratefulness that muddled is okay.

The Risk of Birth

I don't have anything profound of my own to share with you, other than wishes for a peaceful and joy-filled Christmas, but I do have my favorite Christmas poem, by Madeline L'Engle to share with you.

The Risk of Birth
This is no time for a child to be born,
With the earth betrayed by war & hate
And a nova lighting the sky to warn
That time runs out & the sun burns late.

That was no time for a child to be born,
In a land in the crushing grip of Rome;
Honour & truth were trampled by scorn -
Yet here did the Saviour make his home.

When is the time for love to be born?
The inn is full on the planet earth,
And by greed & pride the sky is torn -
Yet Love still takes the risk of birth.


MERRY CHRISTMAS!

To Do List

This is it - Christmas is only two days away, I'm done school permanently (well, at least until I decide what to study at seminary), I'm off work until Boxing Day, and I have a million things to do today. Here are some of them:

• Eat a nutritious breakfast consisting of a mandarin orange and a couple of Belgian chocolate seashells. Okay, so maybe nutritious is overstating a bit!
• Clean my bedroom, thus allowing for movement around the room, use of my reading chair, and space on my desk for scrapbooking and cardmaking projects that I want to attack.
• Find a small Christmas gift for a friend - she gave me a beautiful candle with a holder as a Christmas/Graduation present, and I'd like to find something small to show her in return how much I appreciate her.
• Hang pictures in my bedroom. I've been moved back in for a month or so, but haven't hung any of my pictures yet. I want it done before the whole extended family comes on Christmas day.
• Make the "bacon bites" that have become part of the traditional oerderve Christmas Eve meal at our house. What could be better than waterchestnuts soaked liberally in teriyaki sauce and brown sugar, wrapped with a strip of bacon, secured with a toothpick, and baked until they're nice and crispy. My family (not to mention me) would miss these little suckers if they weren't there on Christmas Eve when we sit down to eat.
• Write a nice, reflective Christmas post for this blog - okay, this one is still coming. Somehow a "to do" list doesn't quite count.
• Wrap all the Christmas presents I purchased and have stashed in my closet.
• Eat a few more Belgian chocolates.
• Go through some scrapbooking magazines and add any good ideas to my idea notebook.
• Clean the tub and shower tiles in the bathroom - this one I've been putting off for days, by mom will have a heart attack if it doesn't get done by the time everyone comes over for the Christmas Eve service tomorrow night (ah, the wonders of a father who pastors a church so tiny it can have a Christmas Eve service in our house), and for family Christmas dinner on Christmas Day.
• Hang out with a good friend tonight, before she heads home for Christmas for a few days.

Okay, I think that's it! And now, I must be off and attempt to accomplish at least the major portion of this list! Tomorrow and Saturday are coming quickly, and each day has more responsibilities. (For example, I'm the official "hot cider" maker for all major events - maybe because I'm the only one who drinks cider on a regular basis during the year and just have a knack for making realllly good spiced cider!)

Henri Nouwen Quote

I received the following short meditation written by Henri Nouwen in my email this morning. I found it profound, and thought I'd share it with all of you.

Light in the Darkness
We walk in a "ravine as dark as death" (Psalm 23:4), and still we have nothing to fear because God is at our side: God's staff and crook are there to soothe us (see Psalm 23:4). This is not just a consoling idea. It is an experience of the heart that we can trust.

Our lives are full of suffering, pain, disillusions, losses and grief, but they are also marked by visions of the coming of the Son of Man "like lightning striking in the east and flashing far into west" (Matthew 24:27). These moments in which we see clearly, hear loudly, and feel deeply that God is with us on the journey make us shine as a light into the darkness. Jesus says, "You are the light of the world. Your light must shine in people's sight, so that, seeing your good works, they may give praise to your Father in heaven" (Matthew 5:14-16).

Praying for a Miracle

What do you say when a friend calls to tell you that she was surprised her mom made it through the day, and wasn't sure she'd make it through the night? What do you say to the announcement that the cancer in her body has tripled in the last week or so, and that she is saying "I want to go home"? What do you say when confronted with the fact that one last Christmas with her mom - one without major family strife is the dream of my friend - and something that is only days away is still probably too far?

I've spent so much time with this friend over the last months. And we're praying for a miracle. Our house church is begging Jesus to give them Christmas together. If you have a minute these nexts days, we'd love for you to join us in this prayer. To pray that God's comfort will overwhelm this painful situation, that his presence will be known and felt in a powerful way in the lives of this family who lost a member last Christmas, and is poised to lose another one this year.

What is Success?

My aunt and uncle sent me a graduation card with this quote on the front of it. I loved it, because it applied so deeply to the last little while in my life - tiny little details that they wouldn't know because we never see each other, but so appropriate nonetheless. It encouraged me to have them recognize this achievement - I often feel very disconnected from Mom's family because of the distance that separates us, but it was special to have my one Christian uncle and his wife drop me a note congratulating me on my graduation. As I considered the time I've poured into others in the last month, the times my plans have changed because they weren't quite what God had in mind, and the number of people who have played a role in my school journey, and also in my spiritual journey, I can't help but appreciate what the card had to say. It read:

What is Success?
SETTING GOALS
but not in concrete
STAYING FOCUSED
but turning aside to help someone
FOLLOWING A PLAN
but remaining flexible
MOVING AHEAD
but not too fast to smell the flowers
TAKING A BOW
but applauding those
who had a part
in your success.

I'M DONE!!!!!

As of approximately 8:45 am this morning, I have officially completed my bachelor's degree (barring any unforseen issues with my final exams)!

I'M DONE!!!! And I'll be able to tell you how it feels, right after I take a nap, and a shower, and go out and party tonight!

A Pregnant Season

This is not going to be one of those sappy Christmas posts. In fact, I'm not entirely certain that I will be able to communicate the "epiphany" I had on the bus this afternoon. Maybe it was something just for me, for me and God, but it had me wishing for a pen and journal (of all the times to leave a journal at home in favor of an extra textbook...) so I thought I'd give a stab at writing it here for you.

I don't really remember what I was thinking about, probably the things I jotted in my previous post this afternoon, just before heading out to catch the bus and go to school to write an exam. But suddenly, as I watched the city lights twinkle against the sky, I was hit by an understanding of the advent season that is new to me.

The church calendar is full of seasons of waiting. Advent and Lent being two of the more well-known of these seasons. They are seasons that are pregnant - bursting with the promise of something important, something new. And that is what hit me. That these seasons are pregnant - that they have meaning because of their culminating event. Advent culminates in the birth of a savior, Lent in the resurrection of that same savior.

I have felt this sense of pregnancy, of urgency, of coming newness in my life this last while. I was feeling it particularly today, as I realized that I am within hours of completing the major goal of gaining a university education, and as I reflected on "mothering". I have this sense of growing newness, of something waiting to be birthed, to spring forth and amaze me. And I am annoyed that I cannot put my finger on it directly, that I cannot find words to share properly this realization of the advent season. But I am thrilled, for it promises to be something beautiful and new.

I am waiting with baited breath. Twelve hours from now I will have officially completed the requirements of my program. I will be the owner of a bachelor's degree. I don't think that moment, tomorrow morning, will be any sort of birthing - although it will be ecstatic. But that moment in the morning is only the beginning - I expect eagerly that new things will be brought to life, to light in me and in my life, and I am waiting with expectancy and what is becoming joy.

Two Funny Posts

On two completely unrelated items.

The first, from Rick Mercer, one of my favorite, truly sarcastic Canadian comics. Really and truly, you must appreciate this post. You can find it here. Remember, children are the future but beer is now.

The second, from a random link I found on one of the blogs I occasionally read. Signs the emerging church isn't for you. It can be found here.

Lacking Motivation

I find myself somewhat tired, and lacking in motivation today. I am less than 24 hours from completing the last final exam of my undergraduate degree, and instead of buckling down to study dilligently, I have lain in bed for much of the afternoon, consuming another of Chaim Potok's novels, and feeling slightly morose.

I made a phone call last night that resulted in great disappointment. I wonder sometimes, if this time in my life, when I am caring for others, is preparation for something. A while ago I was talking about "calling" with a friend of mine, and he suggested that my calling was to "mother". I cringed at the time - there are so many issues in my relationship with my parents that mothering is a scary concept at times. Mothering also carries the sense of responsibility, of intense love, that I did not want to commit myself to.

And yet, I begin to wonder if mothering has not been what this time of caring for others is about. I feel the exasperation of a parent of a slightly rebellious child - the exasperation that expresses itself in sarcastic statements of common sense. And today, I feel the disappointment I think a parent must feel, when they have given good advice, thought that it was accepted, and later found that it had been rejected, and that the consequences had caused the child to suffer pain.

But I am here. I am not a mother, except perhaps, figuratively in the lives of a select few. And I hope it stays that way for a time. I want the freedom to be and do and see the world before settling into the responsibilities of being a wife and mother.

I am thinking a lot about responsibility and freedom these days. I am dreaming of the ways the next year will play out. Of travel plans, and financial issues. Of emotional health, spiritual freedom, and time with people I love. Of the person I hope I will become, and the person I hope I will never become.

I feel the need to reconnect with certain old friends, to build greater bridges with somewhat newer friends. There is a newness to this season of my life - a freshness that is at once invigorating and confusing and terrifying.

These last days have been days lost in thought. On Saturday night I went to spend the evening with a friend. We talked for several hours. She asked a question, and I found myself in tears for the first time in over a year. She laughed as I cried, because she knew that this was a moment of importance.

I am perhaps, hormonal. I am certainly in pain. (I saw a doctor this morning who informed me that excruciating pain in my side is a result of sprained muscles surrounding my ribs, thanks to my still lingering cough.) And yet, I hope that these feelings are more than just hormones, or painful (or painkiller) delirium. I want them to be something more. To be something that will have bearing on my next year, and not something that will disappear as my hormones regulate themselves and my painful ribs heal.

I'm planning a party for tomorrow night. My closest friends and I will travel to Banff for dinner and a trip to the Hot Springs. We're going to celebrate the completion of my bachelor's degree. There are people missing - people I wish could join us. People who have unknowingly or knowingly played roles in my journey these past years. But those who have supported me in the month since God truly showed up will mostly be there. The people who I call in the midst of one of the crises I have dealt with. The people who have prayed with me, and answered questions for me, laughed at me, and watched as I have cried.

To those who won't be there - Dana, Stuart, a few others - I wish you could join me. Because I am not only celebrating graduation, but a newness in my Spiritual life - a journey that excites and scares me, but a journey upon which I can't wait to embark. And you have been part of this, for varying lengths of time, with varying levels of involvement, but I am unable to tell you how thankful I am.

Hallelujah

You should read this article. I thought that it was beautiful. Pay particular attention to the alternate ending lines of the song. They were my favorite part.

Withdrawal

A week or so ago, I was chatting with a girlfriend of mine about hanging out with our group of friends, and she commented, "If I don't see those guys every couple days, I get withdrawal." At the time I laughed at her. At the time.

I think I'm in friend withdrawal. I haven't seen or talked to anyone since Tuesday, and I've been studying and working all week, and I miss them. It's crazy, but I'm sitting here in my bedroom, cranky because I'm tired of being at home, but not willing to go out by myself. Here's to hoping I get a phone call tonight, with an invitation to hang out. Because I'm seeing a friend tomorrow, but studying with her for a final exam on Monday night just doesn't quite count as "fun"!

Three finals down, two to go. By 10am Tuesday, I will be a free woman!

See it to Believe It

I came across another truly fabulous "Jesus Junk" type item today. You really need to look at this. It's one of those "you have to see it to believe it" type items.

Chocolate

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds. You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life. Also nostelgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

There you have it... milk chocolate - that's what I am. We just won't tell people that I'm lactose intolerant and that if I eat too much milk chocolate I'll be ill. But, it is my favorite chocolate - dark stuff is too bitter, and white chocolate is too waxy.

Learning to Give up the Rights to Myself

I'm studying for a final this afternoon, and I threw some DC Talk on the stereo for background music. But, the following stanza from the song "My Will" grabbed my attention:

I'm learning to give up the rights to myself

the bits and the pieces I've gathered as wealth

could never compare to the joy that You bring me

the peace that You show me is the strength that I need.

This is what I'm doing again this week - this is what I've been doing over the past month. The realization that I don't control things is a sobering one. It is not such an easy thing to give up the "bits and pieces I've gathered as wealth." But the moments of joy and peace make it so very worthwhile.

My 100th Post!

Okay, I really just wanted to put up an anonymous quote that I found yesterday:

Dear Lord,

please put your arm

around my shoulder

and your hand

over my mouth.

I thought it rather truthful, no?

Practicality

Can common sense be a spiritual gift? Because really, most days I don't think I'm all that spiritually perceptive, but I think I have an awfully practical way of looking at things...

For example, I just called a friend. Someone called me to let me in on a possible crisis, and so I gave her a call. When she hadn't been able to reach me originally, she tried another friend. That friend seemed busy, so rather than saying there was a crisis in the mix, she moved on and phoned someone else. That someone wasn't that helpful to her, but that someone called me.

So, I called her. She was thinking about running away, and needed a reason not to. My reasons felt ridiculously practical to me. "Well, you committed to not doing things that were harmful to yourself. Running away from this situation is harming yourself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You also promised to meet a bunch of us for dinner tomorrow night."

And then, I became even more practical. "Leave the bus station." She said she needed motivation to get up. "I'm your motivation. Get up and leave the bus station." And she did.

But here's the thing. I usually don't have what I would define as "deep spiritual insights" into the lives of my friends. But I have lots of practical advice. Call someone when you need help. Tell them what's actually going on when you do call. Don't call someone who has consistently given you bad advice. Call before you self-destruct. Don't harm yourself because it's only going to help for a moment, and then you're just going to have more baggage to deal with. These are the kinds of things that come out of my mouth, and I hope they're from God.

Schtuff...

Wow, another truly original title on my part! Hey, what can I say - I'm tired, and my brain is less functional when I'm tired. So, another bullet point update for you...

• Narnia: The movie was fantastic. But, I'm such a book geek. Yes, the movie was fairly true to the book. I was trying to describe my thoughts about the movie for my dad (who introduced my brothers and I to Narnia, and created my vision of the characters by giving them voices and personalities as he read the stories to us), and the best I could come up with is this: "The movie is magical. But Narnia is more magical in my head. The Narnia in my mind has more color, more body, more depth, more personality (and personalities!) than what the creators of the movie (who did an admittedly fantastic job) put on the screen."
• I'm reading a pair of great novels. They're by an author named Chaim Potok, and are titled The Chosen and The Promise. They're powerful pieces of work. But what truly fascinates me is the fact that they are about two Orthodox Jewish boys/young men. I love the way Potok (who is himself a Rabbi, I believe) handles the issue of they faith of his characters. It is central to the story, but it is also something to be wrestled with, questioned, and explored. The novels are also rich in history, and that "coming of age" style narrative that always grabs my attention. You should all read these two books.
• I'm tired. The stress of the last month finally caught up to me, and I spent a great deal of last week in an extremely crabby mood. (Not to mention that my sleep became more and more disturbed by unsettling dreams again. And the depression kicked up a notch too.) God got my attention yesterday morning, and I had to deal with some stuff throughout the day. The long and short of it is that as the stress piled on, instead of approaching God in the way I have been learning since that night a month ago, the open-handed way, I chose instead to carry more and more of the burden myself. So, things were difficult in my life - what was I going to do about it - how was I going to handle it? Things were bad for my friend - what was my response going to be? It was all about ME. And God quietly reminded me that I needed to go back to praying, "My life is open to You, use me however You choose." And not praying in a militant "why is this happening to me, and why aren't you doing anything manner". Basically, He challenged me to open my hands and resubmit myself to His hands and control - to stop doing for myself, and allow Him to do. And it was not an easy realization - to see how quickly I slipped from the better place I was in for those weeks to the place where I was controlling, and scared, and demanding, and depressed. And the more I controlled, the crabbier and more exhausted I became. Funny how that works. It wasn't easy but I am committed to hold my life before Him with open hands. Now, if you would all just keep reminding me of this!
• I start final exams this week. Pray for my concentration. I'm really not a very dedicated student, even though I love to learn. It will take discipline that I don't always possess to devote the necessary time to preparing for this last set of final exams.
• Eight days - in eight days I will be done my bachelor's degree!

The Woman's Creed

Thinking About Women and the Christian Church.

I've got to admit that I've never really given much thought to this topic until recently. Yeah, I knew that in the circles I grew up in, I would never become a pastor, but I wasn't too worried - I didn't want to be a pastor anyway - I knew the fish bowl like existence of that world, and wasn't interested in that being part of the rest of my life.

I'm a history major with a specialty in European religious history, but I've zealously avoided topics such as feminist theology, womens' roles in various ages of the church, female mystics, and so on... until recently.

I started to get interested in more "feminist" (a word I hesitate to use, because I'm not sure I can find a definition I'm entirely comfortable subscribing to) topics about a year ago, when I was studying the Moravians. Count von Zinzendorf had a theology of the family in relation to the Trinity, viewing aspects of both Christ and of the Holy Spirit as female in nature and role. At the time, I wrote the ideas off as fascinating if somewhat sketchy.

I've spent a great deal of time over the past several months reading spiritual autobiographies, and plan to devote quite a bit more time in the new year to doing extensive research. As I read the stories of some women, and began to deal with issues in my own relationship with God and with my dad, I began to become more interested in the idea of a "feminine" God, or at least a God who valued women highly. I'm by no means ready to subscribe to the idea of a female God, but I can certainly see feminine traits in the character of God. On the other hand, I don't really subscribe to a "male" God either - God is spirit, and thus neither male nor female.

My thinking has been particularly shaped by Renee Altson in her book Stumbling Toward Faith and in some of the posts at her blog. The things Renee has to say have challenged me. I have also been shaped by some words from John and Stasi Eldredge's Captivating. Early in the book (of which I only read a couple chapters) they talk about the fact that not just men are created in the image of God - but women are too, and discuss the aspects of God's character that women seem to mirror - things like God's compassion, his relational nature. Interestingly, these aspects of God are the ones I have struggled to understand. I have been comfortable with an authoritarian God, but surprised and overwhelmed by a gracious, loving and relational God.

My final term paper of my degree was the first one I have ever written on a feminist topic. I examined the fact that the feminist movement in North America was birthed by the evangelical revival movement. Famous evangelical revival preacher, Charles Grandison Finney, was one of the first men to encourage women to preach and pray publicly at what in the nineteenth century were quaintly termed 'promiscuous' meetings (meetings of mixed gender). Finney was a strong advocate of higher education for women. The feminist movement in the nineteenth century was inextricably linked to the evangelical church. I came away from the paper asking the question, "what happened?" or "what changed?" I can't answer that one for you.

I attended a lecture this morning in one of my classes on "liberation theology" and the "feminist theology" that is closely tied to this. It is an interesting topic. The professor gave us a copy of a "creed" that one feminist theologian wrote. I found it strikingly biblical, and challenging. The author, Rachel Conrad Wahlberg, wrote "The Woman's Creed" in 1978 after reflecting for a time on the Apostle's Creed. I would not use her creed in a liturgy, as it lacks discussion of key elements of faith such as the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ, but I find her conception of Jesus and his relationship to women fascinating. So, I thought I'd share it with you!

I believe in God
who created woman and man in God's own image
who created the world
and gave both sexes
the care of the earth.

I believe in Jesus
child of God
chosen of God
born of the woman Mary
who listened to women and liked them
who stayed in their homes
who discussed the Kingdom with them
who was followed and financed
by women disciples.

I believe in Jesus
who discussed theology with a woman at a well
and first confided in her
his messiahship
who motivated her to go and tell
her great news to the city.

I believe in Jesus who received anointing
from a woman at Simon's house
who rebuked the men guests who scorned her
I believe in Jesus
who said this woman will be remembered
for what she did -
minister to Jesus.

I believe in Jesus
who acted boldly
to reject the blood taboo
of ancient societies
by healing the audacious woman who touched him.

I believe in Jesus who healed a woman
on the sabbath
and made her straight
because she was
a human being.

I believe in Jesus
who spoke of God
as a woman seeking the lost coin
as a woman who swept
seeking the lost.

I believe in Jesus
who thought of pregnancy and birth
with reverence
not as punishment - but
as wrenching event
a metaphor for transformation
born again
anguish-into-joy.

I believe in Jesus
who spoke of himself
as a mother her
who would gather her chicks
under her wings.

I believe in Jesus who appeared
first to Mary Magdalene
who sent her with the bursting message
GO AND TELL...

I believe in the wholeness
of the Savior
in whom there is neither
Jew nor Greek
slave nor free
male nor female
for we are all one
in salvation.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
as she moves over the waters
of creation
and over the earth.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
as she yearns within us
to pray for those things
too deep for words.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
the woman spirit of God*
who like a hen
created us
and gave us birth
and covers us
with her wings.

*the Hebrew word for Spirit is feminine

So, there you have it. I like this picture of a God who values me as female, who presents important messages to women. I don't have all the answers, I certainly don't subscribe most days to a feminist (there's that awful word again) mindset, but I can subscribe to this God, who values me, who created me uniquely female, and says that there is something beautiful in that.

Some Merton...

Just because I liked it. To be perfectly honest, I haven't read much Merton. A friend (that would be you Mr. Klaszus - if in fact you still lurk around here occasionally) tried to get me into it a while back, when we were in the midst of a heated written debate on just war theory, but I never quite got into it. I'm attempting again. But, I happened to be assigned some passages from Merton for one of my classes, and found a couple of (what I think are) stellar quotes. So, here you go - some Merton to tide you over until I've actually read something of substance by him!

The real purpose of meditation - or at least that which recommends itself as most relevant for the modern man - is the exploration and discovery of new dimensions in freedom, illumination and love, in deepening our awareness of our life in Christ.
What is the relation of this to action? Simply this. He who attempts to act and do things for others or for the world without deepening his own self-understanding, freedom, integrity and capacity to love, will not have anything to give others. He will communicate to them nothing but the contagion of his own obsessions, his agressiveness, his ego-centered ambitions, his delusions about ends and means, his doctrinaire prejudices and ideas. (From "Comtemplation in a World of Action.")

Things I Never Thought I'd Say

So, I’m sitting in a car tonight, on the way home from a wedding, and listening to (and sometimes taking part in) a conversation about relationships between guys and girls. And then, we switch cars, but I’m alone now with one of the people from the first car, and she’s still talking about this conversation, frustrated by it’s lack of resolution, and so finally, I just get fed up, and I start talking. And I’m sitting there, and as I’m talking, I’m thinking, “I never thought that would come out of my mouth.”

We were talking about being single versus being part of a couple. And so I started there. I’m happy (most of the time) being single. I feel like I’m in such a good place at the moment. I’m 22 years old, I’ve never dated, and never been kissed, and I’m okay with that. I’m so not in a hurry for these things. There are so many things I want to do that marriage would make harder. I’m open to the possibility of a relationship, but it needs to be a natural thing. (Note, this did not really surprise me when I said it. I’ve been okay being single for quite some time.)

But then, I moved on.

I looked at my friend (who is, like me, a control freak) and commented, “You know, if you’d asked me two years ago what my life would look like today, this is not what I would have described.” I started university four years ago, and I KNEW what I was going to do with my life. Today, I’m seventeen days from graduating, and I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life. Starting December 21st, for the first time in 17 years, I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do with major portions of my life for the next year. Yeah, I still like to make plans, but I’m okay with spur of the moment, or even with last minute changes.

The last month of my life has been insane. I can give you the specific date it changed. November 1, 2005. God stepped into my life on that day, and did some crazy things. He’s continued to do some crazy things. I’ve poured hours and hours into caring for friends in crisis this month. I’ve fought illness that’s been hanging around off-and-on since mid-October. I’ve written several term papers, midterms, and generally been extremely stressed by school. I’ve been overwhelmed by the areas of my life God has been touching. I’ve been delighted to realize that for the first time in my life I have a strong network of supportive, spiritually and emotionally healthy friends who care and pray as I step into crisis situation after crisis situation, and as God begins to open and heal my own wounds.

And here’s the funny part. I’ve always hated those classic “Christian” stories where someone describes some kind of intense period of their lives – usually a really painful time – and they get to the end of the story, and say, “I wouldn’t trade this time in my life, despite the pain, for anything in the world.” Something inside of my always went, “yeah right, you’re so not telling the whole truth.”

So, let me say it. I wouldn’t trade the last month of my life for anything on the planet. I mean it. It’s been absolutely INSANE, and I would not want it to have been anything different.

God is revealing Himself to me, and it’s blowing my mind. He is showing up in ways in my life that I would never have chosen for myself. He is touching old wounds, opening them and making them raw, and beginning to let me see healing. He is speaking even in the moments I have trouble distinguishing his voice. He is calling me to serve Him with my life and breath. He has handed me situations I never thought I’d deal with, and giving me the grace to walk friends through them. He has provided me with friends who are encouraging me on the journey, who are supporting me, praying for and with me, hearing God on my behalf. He is working. I have a sense of hope that was absent for the past years.

And here’s the thing. The most dangerous prayer I have ever prayed is, “God, my life is open to You. Do whatever You desire, use me if you want, and I don’t care how it looks.” That’s not an easy thing for a self-admitted control freak to pray. But, since that crazy day just over a month ago, it is the prayer I breath nightly as I fall asleep. It is the prayer on my lips as I ride transit every day, as I go to a job that can be less than exciting some days, as I pick up a crisis phone call. And it is the deep cry of my heart. I long to know Him intimately, to be sold out for Him, to know and understand His heart for me.

I have no idea where the next year is going to take me, but I’m excited. I sense His call on my life, and somehow, I know that something changed that day last month. I know that I will never be the same person I used to be. And I’m terrified, and ecstatic, and apprehensive, and overwhelmed, and I can’t wait for what’s coming next.

Wedding

I'm off in an hour or so to spend the day at the wedding of a friend in Canmore. Nice!

This friend went to Poland as a missionary, met a guy, and now they're getting married and planning to move back to Poland to serve God together in a year or so. Crazy story, but fun! So that's all I need to do - accept a call from God to the mission field, and I'll end up married!

I'm having a few dress issues. It took me at least an hour last night to figure it out. Oh well, I think I look okay now, and I'm taking jeans and a t-shirt for the drive home after the wedding - no sense being uncomfortable any longer than absolutely necessary!

And, I bought the funniest t-shirt ever yesterday on my break at work, and I can't wait to wear it. It says:

Blondes have more fun.

Brunettes can read.

And with that profound thought, I'm off to make breakfast before I finish getting ready for the wedding! Have a truly excellent day y'all!

unguarded...

I'm not sure it's a very smart idea to write a post at this moment. My thoughts are rather unguarded - a side effect of intense lack of sleep.

I've slept approximately 2 and a half hours. You see, I had one last term paper due this morning. The last term paper of my undergraduate degree. The only problem was, I got called into work early yesterday, so it didn't get started before my shift. So, I worked until 9, got home around 10, made my nightly hour long phone call to my friend in crisis, and started the paper around 11. I finished at 4:20 this morning, was asleep somewhere around 4:45, and got up to go to school and hand the paper in at 7:30ish. So, a couple hours sleep.

I'm actually surprisingly alert, if tired. But, as I was taking the bus home, it hit me that my thoughts are unguarded and emotional in a way they aren't usually. I'm thinking about a lot of stuff. Particularly about the raw areas of my life that God opened on Tuesday. I'm just now having the downtime necessary to begin to allow it to penetrate, to begin to process. And it hurts.

In light of that, and the fact that I really do need to go back to school for my evening class, I think I'm going to go take a nap. I think this batch needs to be processed in the privacy of my paper journal, before I share it with the world! Unguarded is safe in a book that no one but me will ever see.

Whispers?

I freely admit that I don't do a very good job of distinguishing God's voice from my own thoughts. In fact, I'm probably pretty bad at it, and, at the times when it's blatantly clear, I have been known to ignore it because I did not like what He was asking of me.

I had a weird day yesterday. Sort of full of whispers - maybe God, maybe me, but I think they were Him. I'm left feeling slightly raw inside, not sure where I'm going next. Wanting to hear Him, but hurting badly because of the places in my life that he's touching.

I had an ongoing conversation with Him through the day. It really started the night before. Because of the trouble I have sleeping, I have long chosen to fall asleep with some sort of sound playing in my ear, something to distract my mind and trick it into sleep. Now, most people use music, but I have long found that a book on tape, or a sermon, or a speech - something of the spoken variety - works far better. I can't remember the last time I fell asleep to music - I was probably a very small child. But, on Monday night, the book I've been playing over and over lately (Prince Caspian) just wasn't quite cutting it, and the strong desire in my gut was to listen to David Crowder's latest CD, starting about halfway through. So I did, and I slept! Weird.

I got up yesterday morning, and on a whim tossed a copy of The Messsage New Testament into my school bag. Now, you need to know that I don't usually read anything to identifiably "Biblical" or "Christian" on public transit. I'm embarrassed, and that's not something I'm proud of, but it's true. But, yesterday, on my way to school, I decided to read some of the NT. So, I flipped around for a while, but eventually ended up in Colossians. Now, I'd read Colossians in this particular copy of The Message at some previous time, and underlined quite a number of passages. And it grabbed me again yesterday.

"We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul - not the grim strength of gritting your teeth, but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enought to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us....So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe - people and things, animals and atoms - get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the Cross....I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ...My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now LIVE him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start LIVING it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving...Entering into this fullness is not something you figure out or achieve...No, you're already IN - insiders - not through some secretive initiation rite but rather trhough what Christ has already gone through for you, destroying the power of sin... So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, ACT like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is. See things from HIS perspective...Let every detail in your lives - words, actions, whatever - be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way."

Different parts of this passage haunted my steps yesterday, particularly the parts I put in bold for you. And I prayed - an ongoing kind of thing through my day. It's been a long time since that happened. And it felt weird. And like I said, I struggled with distinguishing God's voice from my own thoughts, but there were raw nerves being touched. Old wounds popped up unexpectedly - grief that I thought was long gone from a death in our family several years ago... it was a strange kind of day.

So, I hopped on the bus home, still praying a bit, but reading a novel this time. And the bus took an hour and a half instead of 45 minutes because it was the first snowfall of any consequence, and the traffic was horrific. I got home at 4:45, and I had to leave my house at 5:30 to pick up the carload of girls that I drive to house church on Tuesday nights. So I left. What normally takes me 20-30 minutes took an hour and a half yesterday. By the time I picked them up and drove the rest of the way, I'd been driving for two and a half hours - for what should have taken less than an hour.

I sat and stewed while I drove. Particularly for the first hour and a half that I was by myself. I was not a happy camper when I arrived.

Now, here's the crazy part. I never leave my cell phone on on Tuesday nights - I don't want to be distrubed during house church. But, last night, for whatever reason, I couldn't bring myself to turn it off. So I switched it to vibrate and went on with the night. Except that I got another crisis call. Okay, it was God that had me leave my phone on. I was able to take the call in the midst of people praying for me and for my friend (who's also a part of our house church).

My whole day - crazy. It makes me tired, this being available to God. I've haven't been this emotionally drained in a very long time. I mostly feel overwhelmed. God touching raw nerves in my life, then handing me friends in mid-crisis. In my better moments, I can laugh. But mostly I'm a little overwhelmed.

Novemeber 1st. The date is etched in my memory because of some of the crazy God circumstances. When I sat in a car that night and talked for hours with a friend, I finally gave in to God, and began to allow his healing in my life. I was willing to give in because I was so desperately frustrated, and because people I love and trust were saying things to me that were both confirming and terrifying. "God is calling you to heal people, Lisa. But you need to find healing first." The things God was telling me and I was trying to ignore. So, I allowed my friend to lead me before God. And God started to work. And it was good. But that tiny little moment of healing did not prepare me for the way the rest of this month has played out. Because I have kept being bombarded by God touching raw places in my life - and then I get a phone call, or see a friend, and suddenly I am picking up the pieces of their lives, while my own life is in tatters around me. I was griping about this to another friend recently, and he laughed at me "God doesn't really care if we feel equipped - he just wants to use us." Okay then. So, most days I laugh because it seems so ridiculous that it could only be God. But I am at the same time overwhelmed with the responsibility that he has entrusted to me while my life is still in so many pieces.

So, God, I'm still here. And my life is still open for you to use. But I need your strength - your glory-strength. Because right now I'm gritting my teeth and hanging on for dear life. Fit all those broken pieces together in the vibrant harmony you promised. Fit my pieces together, and J.'s pieces together and M.'s pieces together. We are longing for something more. And I long to live simply for You. To not be distracted. To easily distinguish your voice. Draw me ever closer. Help me Jesus.

When did I become that person...

...who you call when you need a definition for a word? Because my nerdy book person status wasn't cemented enough!

Seriously, I got a phone call tonight, looked at the caller ID, expected another crisis, but she was calling to find out the definition of a word. She spelled it for me, I told her how to say it, and defined it for her.

The sad thing is, my nerd status is probably deserved. When she read me the sentence that the word occurred in (I needed context to give a good definition), I guessed what book she was reading (The Bible). How pathetic is that - she gave me a three word sentence, and I knew what she was reading! Like I said, I think I deserve nerd status - but with that said, if a bunch of you start using my cell phone and me like your own personal dictionary, I WILL hang up on you!

Oh, and the word? Statutes. (she'd also read it in John Grisham novels.)

Just Thinking

I'm tired this morning, maybe a little cranky, but that seems to have been the norm for the past couple weeks. Sleep has not come easily, and one complete night, sans nightmares, that happened 27 days ago isn't cutting it. I feel a little bit like I've been bombarded by a whole range of things, especially by emotions, and they're exhausting me. The way my emotions change right now frustrates me. In one moment I can be peaceful, fulfilled, and in the next neurotic and insecure. And I feel like I have no control over these things - that I can't control my spastic emotions. And I'm questioning if I really wanted to start to feel things again anyway.

Some random thoughts for the morning, before I head to work:

• I wrestle with the ideas surrounding the reality of spiritual warfare. This concept was so absent from my knowledge of the world growing up. I've been introduced to it in the last couple years, and it has been an occasionally terrifying introduction. Most of the time it boggles my mind. I have a couple good friends who "see" spiritual realities quite easily. They pray, and God reveals it to them. And they revel in the opportunity to engage in the battle for the lives of people we know. I sit sometimes, with them, as we're praying for someone, and just think, "how can you be excited by this? This kind of reality just terrifies me, and leaves me feeling so uneasy, so unsettled." I experienced this set of emotions again last night, as we prayed for a friend. I'll be quite honest and say that I trust their discernment, but that it scares me a little to see the reality of spiritual attack etc. in the lives of people who are believers in Christ. (p.s. James or Stu, if you read this, know that some of these questions are coming your way in the very near future! As my resident I don't quite get this one and it scares me advisors!)
• I met a girl last night at church. Her mom was a pastor too. So, we're chatting, sitting in the pub after church and hanging out, and she asks me, "So, did you like being a pastor's kid?" And I stalled, which should tell you a lot. "Did you?" I asked. When she said no, I was so relieved. I gotta tell you, I hated it most of the time. I would never ask my dad to be anything but what God has called him to be, but it didn't have a very good effect on my life, and it scares me to think of God calling me into ministry - I don't want that lifestyle for my own children, but don't quite know that I could protect them from it. Anyway, this girl and I had a great chat, trading a few "war stories" - we both had quite a few. I really enjoyed meeting her. Mmm... was so good.
• I'm frustrated with being sick. I've been sick off and on since the beginning of October, when we started renovations on our house. And I'm tired of feeling kind of rotten all the time. This stupid cold - I'm not sick enough to miss school or work anymore, but just sick enough to feel kind of miserable and exhausted and cranky while I go to work and school. Not exactly the way to foster attention to my lectures, or to foster a positive attitude towards my job, coworkers and clients.
• I feel a bit like God is getting farther away again, and I'm battling the typical Christian "guilt reaction." Well, I haven't been very good about reading scripture, or praying. Which is true, to some extent. But, the farther I move from that crazy night at the beginning of the month when God stepped into my life, the more the depression and exhaustion are beginning to regrip my life. And I'm still frustrated.
• I feel jealous of friends who are making progress in dealing with their stuff. Who are making strides instead of my occasional one-step-forward-two-steps-back routine. Is it okay to be jealous of the way God is working in someone else's life, when I feel like He's slowly disappearing from mine again?
• And yet, I know he's there, in the unexplainable pit of my gut type way of knowing. He has asked me to care for others in new ways these last weeks. My love of writing has been reignited, and he has given me things to write about. I see him in the friends encouraging me to press on. In the encouraging email I got from a friend who I'd been thinking about all week, but hadn't had time to contact. In the chance I had to chat with two junior high girls at my dad's church yesterday about boys, to tell them not to rush, that I was 22 and had never had a boyfriend, had never been kissed, and that was okay. In meeting a new friend and trading PK war stories. In an afternoon spent at a movie about the life of Johnny Cash. In the smiles on friends faces. In the God stories shared at church last night (even though I missed most of them). He's there, somewhere, in a misty, transitory way. And I long for the day when it won't be misty and transitory anymore.

Calling

I was thinking a bit this morning about the idea of "calling". In one month I will graduate from university, and have to begin "real life."

I have set aside the year and a half or so following the completion of my university degree to just chill. My intention is to spend time with my friends and family. To work and pay down some of my student loans. To possibly travel (Mexico and Ukraine are two of the possibilities in the new year). To get to know God more, and let Him work and bring healing in my life. To figure out where to go next.

That last one is the big one. I know that I want to pursue more schooling. My history degree won't get me much of a job I don't think. (Although I wouldn't trade one minute of the education I've received - I've loved it, and I continue to be passionate about the subject.) The trouble is, I don't know what to study.

I have a huge number of passions, and any one of them could be a career. Take writing - since God started moving in my life again, I've re-fallen in love with the written word. I plan to devote some of my year to developing my writing (for my personal enjoyment, but if I happen to publish some stuff, or make some money off of it, that would be great too.) I know that God is calling me to serve him with my life, but I'm so unclear on what that's supposed to look like. He's given me a heart for the broken and hurting - especially women and girls. I could do a master's in counselling, and would probably enjoy the work. The practical reality is that counselling would be a degree that would pay bills for me. Or I could pursue my fascination with church history, or theology, and do a master's in one of those subjects. But, the reality is that there is not a high demand for church historians, or for women with post-graduate degrees in theology. And I already have one semi-useless on a practical scale degree. I would like to be able to afford a car someday (although that is a goal for the year off too), and I would like to move from my parent's home sooner rather than later.

I am waiting here, God, for you to direct my steps. Where do I go, and what do I do? You can't just call me to serve you with my life, and leave me hanging. Guide my path, direct my mind and heart, and teach me to discern your guidance.

They're Trying to Kill Me But They'll Never Succeed

I wrote a term paper until 3:30 this morning. A sociology term paper. On the extremely mundane topic of the effects of European colonization on the First Nations peoples of Canada. Because that isn't a topic that hasn't been overdone. But it was the assigned topic, so I wrote about it - ad infinitum it seems.

I have a cold in full glory at the moment. I'm hacking and coughing, blowing my nose every ten seconds, and my voice is still rather deep and gravelly - it cracks all the time, and sometimes all I can do is whisper. Let me just say how pleasant it was to wake up to all of that after only 4 and a half hours of sleep last night. I'm a little brain dead today to say the least.

But, as I sat at my computer, and 2 am had come and gone, I kept telling myself that I have only one more term paper to write this semester (and it will be a much better topic). Then five final exams over a week and a half or so. And after that, no one can make me write about anything I don't want to write about for at least a year. Because December 20th is freedom day baby! On December 20th I write my last final exam of my undergraduate degree, and I will be done!

And let me tell you - I have some good ideas of stuff to write about once I don't have people making me write about overdone topics like how negatively colonization affected the First Nations peoples. Good stuff to come people. Good stuff to come.

Something Changed... or I Just Showed Up For My Own Life

If any of you happen to be Sara Groves fans, you'll recognize where I got the title for this post. There have been two albums that have been particularly speaking to me in the month or so since I started having some crazy God experiences. One of those albums is a new one from Sara Groves titled "Add to the Beauty." The other is the newest album from the David Crowder Band titled "A Collision."

As promised yesterday, I want to share some of the lyrics from these albums here, and explain a little why they're catching parts of my heart at the moment. Starting with: "Something Changed" off the Sara Groves album.

Something changed inside me broke wide open all spilled out
Till I had no doubt that something changed
Never would have believed it till I felt it in my own heart
In the deepest part the healing came
And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine
Something so amazing in a heart so dark and dim
When the walls fall down and the light comes in
And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine.

The night I sat in a car with my friend several weeks back, talking and praying for hours, when stuff happened. This is kind of what it felt like - these words from Sara Groves. I have no doubt that something in my life changed that night. I couldn't tell you what it was for the life of me, but I have this weird confidence in my gut (despite circumstances which would seem to defy it) that God is good, and that He is present, and that He is working. And I can't fake it, but it's here, and it's mine and some healing began to happen that night.

The next song is from David Crowder Band and is titled "Come Awake".
Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say...
Come awake, from sleep arise.
You were dead, become alive.
Wake up, wake up, open your eyes.
Climb from your grave into the light

I love this section of this song. I feel like this is the refrain of God's voice in my life over the last weeks. Come awake, you were dead, come alive, come from death into light. Every time I hear the song, I feel God speaking so clearly these words over my life.

The David Crowder Band has another song entitled "Rescue is Coming" that has been speaking something very similar to me. I have been hearing the idea that God is actually coming, he is present, and he will rescue my life, and that blows my mind every time. I love to lay in the dark, put these two David Crowder songs on, and let them flow over me, refreshing my heart.
"Rescue is Coming"
There's darkness in my skin.
My cover's wearing thin, I believe.
I'd love to start again, go back to innocent, and never leave.
Don't give up now.
A break in the clouds.
We could be found.
There's nothing wrong with me.
It's just that I believe things could get better.
And there's nothing wrong with love.
I think it's just enough to believe.
Rescue is coming. Rescue is coming.
Rescue is coming. Rescue is coming.
And there's nothing wrong with you and nothing left to do,
but believe in something bigger.
And there's nothing wrong with love.
I know it's just enough to believe.
Don't give up now.
A break in the clouds.
We will be found.
Rescue is coming now.

The final song honors for the day belong once again to Sara Groves. This one I'm going to comment on after each stanza, for it has a great deal of resonance with my life.

"Just Showed Up For My Own Life"
Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the hole in the shiny veneer

I can tell you with a great deal of honesty how closely this describes my life of the last couple years or more. I did a lot of talking, and said very little. I mostly hoped that if I hung around the right people long enough, and adapted some of what they were saying, that I would suddenly change on more than a surface level. As a pastor's kid, one of my earliest learned survival techniques was to make sure my life appeared "right". I learned early that as long as I projected the right image, few people would see past that veneer to the turmoil and ugliness that truly existed inside of me.

There are so many ways to hide

There are so many ways not to feel

There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired

Look for the holy in the common place

Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed

I'm going to feel all my emotions

I'm going to look you in the eyes

I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide

There are so many ways not to feel

There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright.

Oh the Glory of God is man fully alive.

Oh the Glory of God is man fully alive...

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright.

I feel like I'm just starting to show up for my own life. Like God is calling me to come alive, and it's overwhelming the beauty that can be found - even in the midst of the craziness and darkness that has marked so much of my last week or so. I'm going to be grateful for the "real emotions" my friend prayed for - even when they overwhelm me, even when they're so strong I can't handle them, and wish that I had never let him pray for me. I'm looking for God more - and expecting to actually see and hear from him at least some of the time. I'm going to enjoy this sense of amazement that healing is finally happening in my life. I'm going to work on not hiding behind my spotless veneer. "I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes my life... And I just showed up for my own life, and I'm standing here taking it in, and it sure looks bright."

Quick Random Thoughts

• I can't quite seem to manage to spend concentrated time writing coherent blog posts. It may have something to do with how busy my life has been lately, or it may be that my computer is STILL not back in the privacy of my bedroom, or it may just be that my thoughts haven't been all that coherent lately, so how would I possibly write coherently?
• I'm writing this at school. I should be studying for my last midterm (for which I am completely unprepared) which begins in just over an hour. I'm not all that interested in devoting the next hour to studying developmental psychology.
• I've been blessed lately by posts on a variety of blogs that I read. (check out the links on the sidebar - those are the ones I read the most faithfully.) I've particularly enjoyed James', Renee's, Cathy's and a few others that I still need to link to.
• I still have no voice. In fact, it may even be worse than yesterday - I can barely even whisper today. It's a weird thing to not be able to communicate.
• When you sound as bad as I do, everyone feels sorry for you. This is fun - you get great sympathy offers. Especially since I only sound awful, I feel pretty normal. (Okay, it's a little hard to breathe, and my chest is a little tight, but as long as you don't ask me to run or something, I'm good.)
• I have a sense of growing hope right now. The last weeks (and months and years) of my life have been a little crazy, but I have such a sense of God's presence and hand. I feel a growing confidence that He is working and that I am emerging into a new place with Him.
• I'm feeling blessed by the friends in my life right now. I am learning so much from them. And they are keeping me sane which is always a bonus. It's nice to be in a place where you know that if you need something there is a friend you can call or email, and they'll try and come through. Especially in those moments when I need them to pray as I walk into various crises in friends lives.
• If I can find the time sometime today, I'm going to post a number of song lyrics that have been particularly meaningful lately - through the crazy journey of my last couple weeks, and I'm going to tell you why they've been important.
• Okay, I'm off to the bank machine. Then lunch. Then studying. Then the midterm, and 45 minutes on the bus to get home. When I get home, I may post again, or it may have to wait for tomorrow. House church is tonight. If you ride with me normally, and need a ride tonight just call and leave a message. You can't hear me on the phone - this no voice thing sucks that way. I'll pick you up at the usual time and place. But leave the message so I know who I'm waiting for!

If my head wasn't attached I'd lose it...

I've been a little scattered the past several days. The ongoing stress of life, combined with several major school deadlines, caring for friends, and combating the cold that has now silenced my voice has made my mind take leave. For example, I know for a fact that I purchased a drink with my dinner the other night at work, but the lady never gave it to me, and by the time I remembered, I no longer had a receipt or time to go back and get it. Then yesterday after work I purchased cough drops. I walked all the way to the other end of the mall before realizing that I'd forgotten to grab the bag on my way out of the store. Whoops... Like I said, if my head wasn't attached these days... I finished my term paper at 3:30 this afternoon and drove up to the university to drop it off. I unwittingly pulled into a "service vehicles only" parking spot, which a gentleman was nice enough to point out to me. Unfortunately, when I tried to start my vehicle so I could move, it wouldn't start. The same gentleman was nice enough to try boosting it, and a number of other things, and eventually got it to start. Now I'm in a quandry. I still need to hand my paper in. I'm still parked illegally, and I can't turn my vehicle off. Gross. So, I chose to trust a nice lady, who, when I asked if she would mind watching my vehicle, offered to take my paper in with her. I hope it made it. Picture the scene though, in your head for a minute... I have no voice, I'm tired from spending all day writing this paper, and I'm trying to communicate with the man fixing my car and the lady offering to turn in my paper for me... Gong show would be a good description. Then picture me trying to explain the situation to my parents when I got home..."my car broke down, somebody fixed it, someone else handed in my paper..." they were a little baffled, and my pragmatic mother simply commented, "I'm glad God was looking after you again." What is it about my life that magnetically attracts calamity? If anyone knows, I'd love to hear...

I'm sitting here printing pages and pages of powerpoint slides to review for a midterm tomorrow. Lets just say tomorrow may not be a very good day class attendance as I haven't prepared yet for this exam, and I've missed several of the lectures. Great. Just what I need - to miss more class! Oh well, maybe on Thursday I'll make it to all of them! I'm still trying to figure out how school is going to work with having no voice tomorrow anyway...let's just say that my participation grades won't be getting any help tomorrow!

And with that, my printing is done, and so is this latest installment in what has been a rather bizarre life of late! I'm off to do a bit of studying, a bit of reading, a bit of relaxing, and then some sleeping. An evening off - YES! A rare treat worth savouring - even at the expense of my midterm grade in developmental psychology tomorrow.

lost voice

I've lost my voice. In more ways than one it seems. It seemed to slowly be dieing on Saturday night - the results of the third cold I've had in five weeks. I figured it was just because I was talking a lot while I hung out with friends that night. But, I woke up yesterday morning, and all I could muster was a low rumble paired with the occasional whisper. I went to work anyway, came home, went to church, hung out some more. It got progressively worse through the day - only a sort of higher-pitched squeak by the end of the night.

I woke up this morning, and there is no pitch at all. I can whisper, and if I really muster all my strength, can make a slightly more audible cracking, squeaky sound.

The funny thing is, I usually don't really worry about not being able to be heard. A lot of the time I'm content to listen, to just hear what others have to say, and make the occasional comment. But, now that I can't be heard, I resent it. What if I suddenly had something to say? I had to have a friend order my drink and food last night - the waiter wouldn't have heard me over the crowd of 15 or so of us hanging out at the pub. My friend called this morning for our daily conversation, and she couldn't really hear or understand what I was saying.

And I've been trying to get this term paper done. I seem to have lost my mental voice as well. It's not going well. I'm at something like 700 words. It feels unfocused, and I need to hand it in sometime today. Nasty. So, I'm here, blogging instead. I've worked on the paper off and on for the the last three hours, and made little headway. I'm going back to this method where I set the timer on my watch for 20 minutes, and I have to work for those whole 20 minutes, and then I can take a break. Only something like 1200 words to go! Alright - back at it!

mmmm....

I've definitely hit a new low in titles, but I'm just not sure how to head this up.

I was driving to church tonight, and the phrase "fully present" popped into my mind. I immediately wondered where I'd heard it recently. It was in a blog post here, that Hope wrote. It encouraged me to read her thoughts that day a week or so ago. I was thinking about my crazy week, about calling my friend every day to make sure things are still okay, about hanging out with some really good friends last night and the powerful time of prayer we had for our mutually hurting friend.

To be quite honest, when I went out last night, I was exhausted. I was stressed from my week. It was a week that could be colorfully described as frantic - like a hamster on speed running around in it's little wheel! I was feeling heavily the weight of my friends problems. When the guys picked me up to go out, they commented that I was quiet. I told them (much to their amusement) that I was just tired and glad to be out with people who weren't going to dump whole loads of their problems on me. (One guy immediately said, "oh, well, I was hoping to talk with you about some problems I've been having. Yeah, comedians my friends - all of them.) They asked me again at the end of the night how I was doing, and I was so relaxed after having no demands for the last several hours - just fun and refreshing company. Because I was relaxed I was able to share coherently what our friend has been facing this week, and we were able to pray. And God was there. And it was good.

But, to continue being quite honest, I was still feeling somewhat resentful that God's call on my life to bring healing to the broken seemed so demanding and draining right now. I fielded yet another negative phone call from my friend this afternoon, and was feeling frustrated again.

So, I'm driving to church, and I start thinking about the idea of being "fully present" and about how I love the idea, and I want that, but I'm not sure how to do it, and that I'm not very good at it. Most of the time, I'm only partially present - I'm distracted by what's going on around me, by my own thoughts. There are very few people who can command my "full" attention. I'm thinking about this stuff, and I'm driving to church, preparing myself mentally to see my friend - to give, to do whatever she needed, and to try to be present to her. But I'm still resenting the energy demands of this calling for the broken.

A girl spoke at church tonight. I know her a little, and her life has been impacted hugely in the last year as God has called her to minister to the homeless on the streets of our city after church every week. She and several others feed, talk with, occasionally clothe, etc. those who call the streets of our city home. She shared a lot of her story, and basically challeneged the church to action - to get up, to answer God's calling, and to take joy in it.

I have to admit I groaned a bit at that last part. I was sitting with one of the guys from last night, and he smirked at me and patted me on the back in mock sympathy - he reads my mind and facial expressions pretty well, and usually knows when something is hitting me close to home. And it was - hitting me close to home I mean.

I am convicted of my need to not only be "fully present" to these people God has placed in my life and asked me to care for, but of my need to do this with joy. Yes, there are a lot of issues involved in some of these people's lives, and yes I need to be careful as I provide support and obey God, and yes, the issues are big and draining. But, God has called me to this. He has given me a heart for these women I am caring for, and He is calling me to take joy in His calling.

I'm not quite there yet. I still find myself lacking equilibrium from the work God has done in my own life in the last month. I struggle daily with the fine balance between caring for a person, and taking their problems as my own - I'm not very good at letting God carry them - I seem to think that things will go better if I devote my considerable obsessive tendencies to the issue of the moment. I find myself frustrated that instead of healing me first, and then calling me to help heal others, God gave me one tiny little piece of ground, and then sent me headlong into the tumult of another's life. And yet, my desire is to take joy in this. My prayer is that God will intervene between my head and heart, and grant joy in this which He asked me to do for a season. And somehow, I believe that God will be faithful to provide the joy.

my plans vs. God's plans

My plans for tonight looked something like this: Write the midterm in abnormal psychology. Skip the lecture that follows the midterm. Catch the bus home, relax in front of the television or a movie for a couple of hours. Maybe take a bubble bath for an hour or so with a great novel. Head for bed early, and sleep in late tomorrow since I don't have to work until 1:30.

I got to the catch the bus home part before God or life or fate or something intervened. (I think the midterm went ok - won't be a stellar grade, but for the time I put in, it should be fine.) I got another crisis phone call while on the bus. I spent 20 minutes talking to my friend, and determined that this was not an emergency that could be solved via phone. She was going to be near the station where I get off the bus, so I arranged to meet her there.

After hanging up with her, and before arriving to meet her, I made several calls down my list of "crisis" response/prayer response people. I called home, to let them know I was changing plans, and to get my mom's advice on the situation I was about to walk into. I called several friends and begged them to pray for my friend and I over the next couple hours. I called our pastor and left a message saying that a crisis was happening and please call back. Then, with prayers on my lips, I turned and met my friend with a hug.

I think the crisis has been averted for at least one night. I'll phone her again tomorrow, and every day after that for as long as it takes to walk her through this time. I think she realizes the scope of some of the things in her life, and will seek help. I pray that she will begin to believe truths instead of lies, and that light will break into the overwhelming darkness she is inhabiting right now.

Mostly, though, I'm thinking about how rarely my plans for my day, my week, my life seem to match up with what God has in store. The number of times these last two weeks that I have dealt with situations like this are stunning. And God is there. But I am overwhelmed by my own ill-equippedness. I have just barely begun to heal myself, and I have been called on to be a voice of love and healing and life that I don't understand in the lives of others. I think it's good that God knows what he's doing, because I just look at this week and wonder if anything I've said has mattered, if I even have anything to say, and I know that God is orchestrating things anyway, and I am grateful.

Crashing

One midterm down for the day, one to go. I'm exhausted. I was ill-prepared for this morning's exam, but by a stroke of luck may have done alright. I'm ill-prepared for tonight's exam, but can't quite bring myself to cram more information into a brain that is refusing to focus for more then ten seconds at a time.

I'm exhausted - physically, emotionally, maybe spiritually. It's been a crazy couple of weeks, and I'm feeling like I need to regain equilibrium. I'm struggling with emotional overload (darn those "real" emotions!). I haven't slept well for a couple of weeks again. And I can't quite figure out what it will look like to regain equilibrium.

The trouble is, I don't want to go back to the low point I was at just over two weeks ago. The last two weeks and a bit have been insane, but so good. I have known God's presence in ways I would never have expected, or even wanted, but I am tired. I don't want to go back - I'm loving this new place in my journey - loving that breakthroughs are finally happening, but boy is it tiring. I think I know why the ancient monks spent so many hours alone!

I've been so stressed this week about school on top of everything else. After I finish my midterm tonight, I still have a paper to write - it was supposed to be due today, but I begged, and my professor was gracious enough to grant me an extension. The trouble is, the extension is only until Monday. I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I also have church Sunday night, and will hopefully manage to see friends Friday or Saturday night or both. I also have a midterm next Tuesday that I need to prepare for. Somewhere in there, I have to produce a quality 2000 word term paper on Dietrich Bonhoeffer - with my computer still located in the loud and lacking privacy common area of our basement. I've been more stressed because I haven't been able to summon the energy to prepare properly for the midterms today. And, when I finally managed to gather myself enough to study, I was interrupted by a variety of things, including a friend in crisis.

Can I just say that the middle of December has never looked quite so appealing as it does this year? As much as I love school, I can't wait to be done. I think I'm going to spend the whole month of January reading nothing but novels or whatever happens to strike my fancy. I'll be working full time, but it's shift work with strange hours, so I'll have lots of quiet time at home to read. I'm also going to take the time in January to renew some friendships that I haven't had the time to properly maintain during the crazy months of this semester. Maybe I'll take a road trip somewhere, just for the heck of it! In short, I plan to RELAX! And then get down to the business of figuring out what to do with my year off, and with the rest of my life - nothing stressfull there!

Alright, with all that said, I'm off to find some supper and do a little studying before my next exam. Or maybe I'll just read a novel and try to stay awake enough to show up for the exam on time! Either way, know that as soon as the exam is over I'm headed for home. The mind numbing blessing of television is definitely summoning me tonight! One evening to regain equilibrium before plunging back into the fray tomorrow morning. Not enough, but it'll do!

"When the bottom falls out..."

I've been reading a large number of spiritual memoirs or autobiographies lately, and yesterday I finished one entitled My Faith So Far: A Story of Conversion and Confusion by Patton Dodd. Like Renee Altson's Stumbling Toward Faith, Dodd's story doesn't resolve. And, I have to admit to a great deal of confusion regarding my thoughts on what he had to say about his faith journey, about the Christian church, and especially about the charismatic portion of the church.

However, I do want to share some excerpts from his last chapter with you. While I'm not as much in this place at the moment, I certainly have been here in the last few years, and even in the last few months, and I found his comments insightful. I've pared them down, giving you only a few sentences here and there. He expounds on each of these thoughts somewhat longer than what I've chosen to include. However, you'll get the gist of what he was experiencing from what I'm including here.


When the bottom falls out you free-fall. You clutch and grab. You scan about for some place to stand, some small piece of firm ground.

Whn the bottom fall out, you form a new library. "Read this book" people suggest, offering C.S. Lewis or Max Lucado or the Pope...

When the bottom falls out, hands are laid on. The accompanying prayer can be a deep and lasting solace, but it can also aggravate because the way things are prayed only adds to the questions...

When the bottom falls out, the Bible is an unwieldy book that is impossible to read. You read it anyway because you feel guilty if you don't...

When the bottom falls out, you realize that all your questions are banal. They are overasked... People tell ou that Christians have been struggling with these questions for years, and you can see that, yes, it is true. But why do the questions persist? Why do they feel so vital?...

When the bottom falls out, you stay home Friday nights and pray. You fall on your face and scream to God for mercy, for a supernatural gift of faith. You ask why what used to come so simply now has to be so hard. Was it something you did? You ask for some assurance, some indication of His presence...

When the bottom falls out, you are not sure how to conduct yourself in worship services...

When the bottom falls out, you fantasize about what life might be like if you had no faith...

When the bottom falls out, you want to reconstruct it however you can.
(My Faith so Far, pages 155-157)

This section was perhaps the most insightful of Dodd's entire book. Would I reccomend the book? I'm not sure. It was an interesting read, raises valuable questions, particularly about the charismatic movement. It was an easy read - I polished it off in an afternoon and an evening. Dodd's writing style is straightforward, if occasionally complicated by theological and scholarly language. But, it left me unsatisfied. I'm all for not resolving everything in one grand "my world's now perfect" chapter, but I wish Dodd had given some indication of how he was seeking to answer his own questions - of how he had continued to live a life of faith, despite the "bottom falling out." In short, I would have liked a Stumbling Toward Faith type of ending - some hope that this faith is something that can be valuable and lived, in the midst of the unresolved. Worth reading? Yes. But unsatisfying.

Picking Up the Pieces

I got another crisis phone call today. I wonder sometimes what it is that makes me the person to call in the middle of personal crisis... When I was in high school I remember asking the girl who was my Young Life leader and mentor if I had some sort of magnet on me that just attracted people with messy lives. I'll never forget what she said. She didn't even pause for a second. "Yes! A God magnet!" I think I told her that God could take his magnet back, I didn't want it. I still feel like that sometimes.

Mostly, though, I feel priviledged that my friends feel safe enough to call me in the midst of the chaos of their lives. I sometimes tire of what feels like picking up shattered pieces of lives - of always being called after the bad decision, or the self-destructive behaviour, but mostly I'm glad they called. I'm grateful, too, for a group of friends who provide MY support system. They usually know the people who are calling me in crisis, and I am able (with the permission of the person in crisis) to pass on the situation quickly, to get feedback on my response, to allow others to step in and form community around the person in crisis, and most importantly, to mobilize prayer - both for me as I help these people pick up the pieces of their lives, but more importantly for the person whose life is so filled with chaos and pain.

If you think of it in the next days, pray for a friend of mine. Her mother is dying of cancer, and will probably not live even to Christmas. She is alternately estranged and close to her mom. There are messy, abusive family dynamics that complicate things. Her tendency is towards self-destructive behaviour in the midst of her pain. I don't even know what to tell you to pray, but pray for her, and for her mom, and for me, and our community of friends as we hold and support her, and as we respond to her pain.

Live in Community....

Here's a random quote that floated through my head the whole night at house church tonight... It's from Blue Like Jazz Live, and as we talked about community it came back to me...
The author/actor is talking about how a friend began encouraging him to move in with some other guys, in order to have community, and how he felt that this was a strange idea, almost cultlike.... And he phrases it like this:

"You live in community. Then you drink punch. Then you die."

Cracks me up. Every time. Community. Punch. Death. I just about died laughing inside as we stood around our house church community, drinking our standard iced tea. Community. Iced Tea. Death. Maybe my sense of humor is slightly warped!

"Real" Emotions

So, I'm sitting with a friend on Sunday night, and he's praying for me, listening to God, and praying about the stuff we'd been talking about. I'm half-way paying attention, half-way distracted by everything going on around us, and all of a sudden he says, "God, give Lisa real emotions." Then, he turns to me, grins, and goes, "P.S. I don't know what that means." His way of saying it was a God prayer, and not a him prayer.

I'd already started laughing. I had a pretty good idea what it meant. It was something I'd been thinking about recently. What has been at least two and a half years of depression has done a number on my emotional health. I have mostly been deadened, bombarded by so much pain, and depression that my emotions began to shut down. They stopped allowing me to experience things as deeply. I would put on a emotion in the same way I put on clothes. It's time to be happy now, sad etc. I would especially do it in church services - okay, the worship needs me to be excited, longing, happy, etc. Not a problem, because the emotions were never deep - they were there to mask whatever was really going on. It was a coping mechanism that has allowed me to survive the last couple years.

Recently, I'd become very aware of my limited emotional span. I can't cry - that was the biggest indicator, because I've always been a person who cries easily. And so, my friend prayed that I would feel "real emotion."

I wish he hadn't.

Let me rephrase. I don't wish he hadn't, but, when I started getting hit with emotion tonight at house church. There was no putting on the "right" emotion for worship. All I could do was sink into the couch, close my eyes and let the music and singing flow around me. I was/am exhausted, and I would guess that it showed. I don't know if some of the other emotions were playing across my face - the sudden sadness, the confusion over this place in my life, the insecurity, the sense of isolation while being surrounded by people. Wow. It was tough. All I could think was "I want to get out of here, but I can't leave because I drove 5 other girls, and it would disturb everyone, not to mention make them angry if I needed to leave in the middle of the study."

I think I may have taken some of the emotion out on others, and for that I'm truly sorry. I was VERY cranky. The combination of the last couple weeks, the emotions of tonight, hormones, frustration, lack of sleep, major school stress this week, and "real" emotion was more than I could cope with gracefully. I was feeling bitter and angry at what I was experiencing, believing God was in it, but not wanting this - not knowing what to do with it, and mostly just wanting to go home and crawl into bed and bawl my eyes out with the tears and release that never comes.

So, if you're thinking about me in the next couple days, pray that I survive. I have a couple of very intense days at school, followed by work, and a couple more intense school days. Pray that I will find release, that my mind will remain functional and clear even in the midst of emotional turmoil, and that God will continue to release things in my life - because that is my greatest desire at the moment - to be released from the things that hold my life so tightly in the grip of fear and depression - to be free.

Stiff

My back and neck are protesting my very existence today, and my eyes are fighting to stay open, even in the classes I'm most interested in. I spent something like nine hours yesterday starting the process of moving back into my bedroom. I carried umpteen boxes of books, clothes, odds and ends, etc, etc. up the stairs from the basement. I'm mostly there.

My computer isn't back in my space yet, so it will still be a little while before the "serious" writing begins again. Plus, I have two midterms and a paper due on Thursday this week. (Here's hoping I get the extension on the paper that I've requested!) But soon - I have lots to hash out in writing, and can't wait for the release of curling up at my desk, in my own bedroom, and writing my little brain out!

In other news, nothing much came of my uneasiness on the weekend. I talked with one friend about it - we prayed together, and he said the sense he had was that it was my own emotions - not a God thing, not an attack. Okay. Still not a great thing that my emotions can get that out of whack, but okay. I was so distracted. It got worse through the whole day. I had such a hard time concentrating at church on Sunday night - which sucks, because Sheri preached a great message, and I just couldn't focus or respond the way I would have liked. But, I'm thankful for friends with greater discernment than me. Friends that I can grab, and throw something like this overwhelming sense of uneasiness or fear in their lap, and know that they will catch it, pray with me, and help me deal with whatever's going on.

I must be off. I need to go to one more class, and then I'm ditching my last class to go home early, start studying, and maybe catch a nap before house church tonight. My head aches. My next class is boring - world history - but material I've covered a zillion times. I'm hoping to get some reading for one of my midterms done while the prof lectures, and if that doesn't work, then I'll pretend to make notes while really journalling, or outlining my paper.

Off Days

I'm having a weird couple of days. I woke up yesterday morning after a great night with friends Friday night, and everything was just "off." I couldn't peg it, but it played out in some ugly bursts of temper and tears, unfairly directed at people around me. It played out in laziness, too. In short, I acted something like a five year old who didn't get her way.

I went out again last night - saw Blue Like Jazz Live again with a different friend. (Still fantastic by the way!) We hung out for a while, hooked up with some other friends, and I was doing okay.

They dropped me off, and I tried to sleep. (I'm leaving for work in ten minutes). I knew I needed to be at least semi-alert this morning. But, again, something was so "off." I lay there, feeling uneasy, and upset - my stomach thudding around in the way that happens when I'm stressed. I prayed - "God, what's going on here... reveal the source of my unease... etc." Nothing. Finally I slept. Sort of. If you consider tossing and turning true sleep, and if you consider waking up at least four times in the six and a half hours I was in bed true sleep.

I'm still feeling "off" this morning. Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. Some silent, uncomfortable sense of foreboding - of forthcoming bad things. I have a full day planned. Work, then dinner with a friend and her boyfriend, then church, and probably hanging out after church. If you find this today, say a prayer for me. When this kind of thing settles on me, things start spiraling downward - the depression kicks up, I spend time confused, and over analyzing because I'm trying to peg what's going on. Pray for clarity, or peace, or something...

And, with that I'm off to work... cranky brides, here I come!

Blue Like Jazz Live

Christian drama can either be really good, or really really bad. That's a statement of fact. When you decided to attend a dramatic event that is "Christian" you have to hedge your bets and keep your expectations low, because there are far more of the really really bad than the really good.

I started seeing posters around campus on my university a couple weeks back for a performance entitled "Blue Like Jazz Live". I read the posters pretty carefully, wondering if it had anything to do with the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller, which I had recently read and loved. It did. I was definitely interested, but afraid the performance would be one of the really really bad variety, and would ruin what was a fantastic book.

Then, a couple people I trust to have decent taste reccommended the play. Okay, so I'll check it out. I watched the trailer on the internet (here) and talked some friends into coming with me. Last night we drove to a church that was just outside the city, and bought tickets and sat down to wait.

It was really really GOOD. I mean it. If you ever have a chance to see Jason Hildebrand do this performance, jump at it. It was brilliant. We laughed until we nearly cried. And then we got hit by the truth so carefully crafted into Donald Miller's stories. After it was over, we headed out to a pub. We needed to sit and talk. We talked about a wide variety of things, but our conversation was peppered with quotes from the play.

I was driving home with a friend, and the only thing that disappointed us was the "come to our church" message that the pastor of the church finished with. We talked about whether or not we would bring non-believers to this one - we would. We would hope that the pastor wouldn't do that sort of message, but my friend aptly commented that he thought that any smart person would catch that this kind of proselytization speech was exactly the kind of thing that the play addressed and debunked.

For those of you in Calgary, who read this today. Go see the play tonight. And call me if you go, because I'd love to see it again. It was worth every penny. If you're not in Calgary, but you're going to be at the Nashville YS convention next week, watch for the play there. That will be it's American debut. Or, if you're in Calgary, you could contact me in a couple of weeks, and borrow the DVD of the performance that I ordered. I guarantee it won't be as good as watching it live, but it's worth it to see it anyway. I just have to wait for it to be mailed to me.