Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 17

Today's Daily 5:

1. doing some yoga today
2. sending off a transcript request that I'd been procrastinating on.  Another one of those "if I don't do it, then I can't be rejected, and I don't have to fail" things.  It feels good to have conquered another thing like that.
3. home-made chocolate chip cookies
4. laughing at a truly perfect line from Grey's Anatomy again tonight.  "Reality.  It's so much more interesting than happily ever after."  You kind of have to be privy to some inside jokes and conversations a friend and I have been having to truly appreciate this one, but let me assure you that it made me (and then her) laugh out loud.
5. doing a bunch of reading.

Tuesday

Today I am:

• sitting in the basement at my computer
• praying for a friend (and her family) who are losing a family member
• puttering
• looking forward to eating the pot of soup that I cooked last night for supper tonight
• wondering how it is that fall somehow just sets in overnight and there is suddenly a chill in the air again
• doing paperwork
• making beds and cleaning my mom and dad's basement in preparation for an influx of visitors from my mom's family over the next week or two
• going to make time to sit and read
• going to exercise
• taking care of some computer stuff
• going to make a cup of tea
• thinking about what projects for cleaning/purging that I'm going to work on in the next several days/weeks
• going to eat three meals.  three healthy meals.
• going to read through some recipe magazines and make notes on things I'd like to cook in the coming days/weeks/months
• praying for a number of marriages that are struggling
• praying for others who have lost loved ones
• thinking about what the future holds
• going to pause and consider what sort of jobs to start applying for in the coming days

Sex?

Okay, so it's a risky topic.  Especially for a Christian.  Maybe even more so for a single, unmarried, Christian female.

But I thought that Jonathan Acuff handled it masterfully here, and hit on some important topics.

Especially topic #1 - Sometimes we teach guilt and not abstinence.  I think it's absolutely true that the message that is communicated in the church to single people is that sex is evil.  I've been talking about this a lot lately, and I was really pleased to see this discussed on a prominent blog like "Stuff Christians Like".

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 16

Today's Daily 5:

1. Having the first massage I've had since losing my job.  So good.
2. Cooking - lots and lots of cooking today.
3. This blog tour for Anne Jackson's new book "Permission to Speak Freely."  I'll be reviewing the book here next week, but in the meantime, I suggest you start from the link above, and work your way through the essays that are available on various blogs right now.
4. candles lit all over the room
5. nacho dip

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 15

Today's Daily 5:

1. A sermon on "hope does not disappoint" - I honestly don't remember much of the sermon, but the passage was a fun reminder today.
2. magic bags on a rainy day
3. watching bad old Australian television episodes on dvd with dad
4. really good grilled cheese
5. playing the game "smart ass" with T, L, Mom and Dad.  Ironic, since generally I hate games, but this one was actually fairly fun.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 14

Today's Daily 5:

1. Celebrating a friend's wedding
2. listening to a new Rob Bell sermon on the train
3. dove earrings
4. quiet day, resting and pondering
5. chocolate

Saturday Thoughts

Yesterday was the feast of St. Monica, and today is the feast of her son, St. Augustine.  There was something striking to me in closeness of the dates of the two feasts when I observed them this year.  Something striking in celebrating the feast of a mother who prayed for years for her wayward son the day before celebrating the feast of the wayward son, turned remarkable theologian and church father.  There is something in that reminder of the faithfulness of Monica's prayers that gives me hope for prayers that seem hopeless today.    Something in the reminder that God delights in drawing the least likely to himself, and binding up and restoring the most unexpected things and people.  There are a lot of "least likely" things that I'm praying for these days, and the closeness of the two feasts, the reminder of the faithful prayers of a mother brought hope today.

In a few hours I'm off to attend the wedding ceremony of a friend.  F. has been a friend for a very long time, and the her life and her family's life have been in upheaval in the last year.  Two weeks ago, after a journey of about a year, her family was told that her mother's cancer is no longer treatable.  That the only thing that will stop death now is a miracle.  I'm thankful that the wedding will happen today, while her mother is still relatively well.  And I'm praying for a miracle.  But also recognizing that this day, for their family, will probably hold bittersweet memories.  And I'm praying that sweet will overwhelm the bitter.

And, in the meantime, I'm resting, puttering, catching up on little things that were put off all week while I studied.  I'm thinking and praying and processing.  I'm looking forward, and pausing to reflect backwards as well.  It's going to be a good day, I think.  One of those full of emotion, bitter, sweet, whole gamut of life kind of days.  And I'm grateful for that, and for the growing ability to embrace that.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 13

Today's Daily 5:

1. Staying in bed basically until lunchtime
2. New York fries with gravy.  really good gravy.
3. rest
4. candles everywhere
5. fresh fruit

Relieved

I'm still in bed.  And it's not because I'm sick.

For the first time in ten weeks, this morning I have no studying waiting for me.

And the relief is sweet.

This summer has been challenging as I studied, and began to deal with all kinds of personal stuff from my past that was also surfacing.

I wrote my last exam yesterday. and I'm spending this morning in bed.  Resting.  Thinking.  Praying.

Even my subconscious felt the relief, and even my dreams shifted gears this morning before I woke.  Towards all the personal stuff, now that the burden of studying has been removed.

And so, the journey continues.  And I'm committed to it.

But this morning I'm enjoying the relief of being done, and the feeling of shifting direction again.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 12

Today's Daily 5:

1. a good hair day
2. a mom who reassured me that it was okay to not be studying this morning if my brain just couldn't take anymore
3. being buoyed on the prayers of friends
4. supernatural peace
5. wearing a new scarf - a gift that arrived in the mail from Germany this week
6. the body worlds exhibit - very cool after studying anatomy for the last two months
7. writing my last exam and finishing up school for the summer
8. Vietnamese sub sandwich
9. house church
10. baby giggles

What makes you alive?

I am writing my last final exam today.  The anatomy exam that I've been worrying about, (and trying not to worry about) for the last week or two.  I have been reminding myself that I am doing this because I am moving towards a goal that makes me feel alive.

I came across this quote recently, and loved it.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

- Howard Thurman

What makes you feel alive?  Are you doing that?

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 11

Today's Daily 5:

1. A mostly peaceful day
2. Not feeling too panicked about tomorrow's exam
3. the benefits of a mid-day nap
4. old episodes of Grey's Anatomy on dvd
5. escaping the house, even for a few minutes, on random errands.

Final Push

This is it.  Final push day.

In case you haven't guessed, most of the posts happening this week were scheduled on the weekend.  This is the crazy week.  Two finals, a quiz and an assignment.  And then I'll be done.

Yesterday I wrote the first final (stats) and was pleased with how it went.  I also submitted the assignment that I'd completed the day before, and I did the final anatomy quiz.  (Not stellar, but better than I'd hoped, I think.)

What's left is my anatomy final, tomorrow afternoon.  This is a class with pages and pages and pages of very detailed notes to cover, and my brain has been exhausted.  It's really just too much information to absorb.  But this is it, and I have a plan, involving chapter by chapter review, and answering lots and lots of multiple choice questions.  Today, I feel relatively peaceful.  I know myself well, and I'm quite aware that that could change as the day goes on, and as I hit roadblocks that demonstrate how much I DON'T know in certain areas. 

I've been reminding myself all week to be gentle with myself.  To offer the best that I have to this school work, and to be okay when the best means that it's less than I know I have been capable of at other points in my life.  To not feel guilty for the fact that I've needed naps every day this week so far, and that I've lost a precious four or five hours of studying to those naps.  I've already acknowledged to myself this morning that I will likely need to nap today, as well.  And I've reminded myself that it is okay to take the evening off, and not study, study, study until bedtime.

Tomorrow morning I'll do some final review and then I'll write the exam.  And then the rest of my day will be full.

But, in the meantime, I'm doing a little bit of puttering.  Settling myself in for the day.  Writing this blog post.  Tackling a bunch of little online tasks - some fun stuff, and some things that are just part of the daily routine.  I'm eating breakfast.  And I'm telling myself that I'm going to do my very best to hang onto this "calm before the storm" feeling, even when the storm starts in earnest. 

I'd appreciate your prayers as I study today and tomorrow morning, and as I write the exam tomorrow afternoon. 

And, I'll be back, with some scheduled and some unscheduled posts through the next several days as well!  See you then!

Our Chief Preoccupation

A quote to chew on today:

"Our wish, our object, our chief preoccupation must be to form Jesus in ourselves, to make his spirit, his devotion, his affections, his desires and his disposition live and reign there. All our religious exercises should be directed to this end. It is the work which God has given us to do unceasingly" (St. John Eudes, The Life and Reign of Jesus in Christian Souls).

Is forming Jesus in myself the chief preoccupation of my days, and of my "religious exercises"?  It is the chief preoccupation of yours?  What stops it from being chief in our lives?

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 10

Today's Daily 5:

1. Finished my stats class, and the final went fairly well
2. Also did my last telephone anatomy quiz.  not sure how well it went, but I felt decent about it.
3. taking the evening off from studying
4. a mid-day nap
5. candles
6. peanut m&m's
7. feeling buoyed by prayers of friends
8. thankful for family
9. glad for the brief moments of peace
10. a scarf from czech arrived in the mail (a late birthday gift from a dear friend overseas)

Paradox

On Sunday morning, the daily devotional from Richard Rohr was simply titled "Paradox" and read as follows:

I don’t think the important thing is to be certain about answers nearly as much as being serious about the questions.

When we hold the questions, we meet and reckon with our contradictions, with our own dilemmas, and we invariably arrive at a turning point where we either evade God or meet God.

When we hang on the horns of the dilemma with Christ—between heaven and earth, between the divine and the human realms—it creates liminal space. All transformation takes place when we’re somehow in between, inside of liminal space. (Richard Rohr)

My question is this - are we willing to live in that space of questions long enough to allow transformation to come and take hold?

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 9

Today's Daily 5:

1. Sharing a brief moment of prayer with a dear friend at the beginning of the day
2. gatorade
3. a much-needed mid-afternoon nap
4. booking flights for a much needed escape for a week or so next month
5. finishing up the final anatomy assignment
6. a long hot shower to close off the day before heading for bed early

Like Jonah

A number of years ago when I was trying to arrange for a half-day alone with God, a friend sent me an article on ways to organize a half-day of prayer, along with the suggestion that I choose a bible character, or a short book of scripture and use the day to focus on that.  When I asked her what she suggested for me, her response made me laugh and feel slightly puzzled.  She said that I reminded her of Jonah, and perhaps I would like to spend some time with his story.

I didn't understand what parallels she saw between myself and Jonah then, but these days I think I'm beginning to understand, and I smile at the insight this friend had into my life and personality.

I was reminded of that conversation last night as the scripture reading plan I'm currently using had me working my way through the book of Jonah again tonight.

Years after that conversation, I see the patterns of Jonah in my life.

The thing where I knowingly flee from God's will and direction.

The thing where he meets me in that place of fleeing and offers mercy to me.

The thing where I then grudgingly, and often after disobedience move in the direction he first asked.

And the thing where I get disgruntled when what happens after I follow God's will is not what I expected or planned.

Last night I laughed and saw myself as I read the following verse, "This change of plans greatly upset Jonah, and he became very angry.  So he complained to the Lord about it..."

I know that feeling.  I've lived a good chunk of the last three years or so in that place.

I stepped out in obedience (and this was even one of the times where I wasn't doing after trying my own way first).  And what resulted, from either God's hand, or spiritual attack, or just the humanness of people, was nothing like what I expected or hoped for.

Jonah had a certain amount of pride in his skills as a prophet, and he was upset when God showed mercy.  But the pride - he actually said, "Just kill me now, Lord!  I'd rather be dead than alive if what I predicted will not happen."

I think we look at that and recognize the pride pretty easily.  I mean, really?  He's mad because God has chosen to shower love and mercy instead of the judgment and destruction he'd sent Jonah to proclaim?  What kind of man of God gets mad when God offers mercy?  This is the same guy who just had his life amusingly spared by being swallowed by a giant fish, praying in the fish bowels, and then being basically vomited onto dry land.  This guy who'd just been offered a great mercy, was angry that God was offering the same to the people he'd asked Jonah to condemn.

And yet, I think I recognize that tendency in myself as well.  There is a certain pride that can exist in knowing that I acted in obedience and a certain sense of feeling like I have a right to be angry with him at the results that he has allowed.  I can loose sight of the fact that it was God who called in the first place, and that I'm not responsible for the results, only for how I continue to walk in the midst of that.  All I'm responsible for is continually seeking God's guidance and choosing continually to walk in obedience to that which I sense he is leading me to.

And today I find myself thinking about Jonah, and confessing again that I have been prideful and passed judgment in places where my heart needs to extend mercy.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 8

Today's Daily 5:
An introduction to the daily 5 lists can be found here.

1. Listening to my brother preach his first sermon this morning, and having it be on a passage I really love from Ephesians
2. a bathroom door - it seems a goofy thing to be thankful for, but I was tonight.  I was remembering those awful first few weeks of living here, when my bathroom didn't have a door.
3. a mom who is a massage/cranio-sacral therapist, and worked on my neck and shoulders a bit before giving me a ride home tonight, easing some of the painful knots that have contributed to the last two days that I've spent mostly in bed with a migraine
4. being loved on by family... mom was pretty concerned... she loaded me up with a random assortment of healthy food before driving me home... a sandwich and carrots and cucumber, a yellow plum and some grapes.
5. a quiet evening spent semi-horizontal in bed, enjoying some favorite things, remembering to breathe, and setting aside worry and panic for a bit in favor of just trying to rest.

Silenced

Earlier this week I came across this post at Alece's blog.

"Our lives begin to end the day that we become silent about things that matter."  Martin Luther King

I left Alece's post open in a tab in my browser for several days, looking at it, praying, thinking, remembering.

I was thinking about one specific conversation.  About a moment of being silenced.  About feeling like I couldn't safely express myself, and about the growing impact of silence, the sense of becoming invisible and unable to be heard.

I find myself wondering, sometimes, if there is a statute of limitations on hard things.  Especially hard things that involve people you care about.  How do you talk about them?  Do you talk of them at all?  Are vague references best?

I have no desire to lash out, really, but I've felt silenced and struggled with that.

Earlier this summer I sat outside a coffee shop called "Higher Ground" with a new friend, and, having shared some of the journey of the last number of years with her, she asked if there was anyone I'd been able to talk to about what I'd shared.

Her question stuck with me, probably because I'd felt so silenced.

My life is changing right now.  A new beginning, I suppose, or at least I pray it is.

And I've thought all week about the quote from Martin Luther King - about how something fundamentally ended in my life when that silence began to be imposed.

I'm grieving those things that were lost, and thankful for new beginnings.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 7

Today's Daily 5:

1. My parents gave me roses yesterday
2. not having anything so pressing that it couldn't be set aside when I woke this morning with a migraine that ensured I would spend the vast majority of the day in bed
3. home-made cookies
4. dreaming and scheming
5. trading emails with a number of good friends.

Spicy?

This quiz made me laugh pretty hard.  I'd say the description is possibly quite accurate, but, I have to tell you, I HATE cilantro!

You Are Cilantro

The bad news is that there are some people who can't stand you. The good news is that most people love you more than anything else in the world. You are distinct, unusual, fresh, and very controversial. And you wouldn't have it any other way.

What Spice Are You?

Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 6

Today's Daily 5:

1. Starting the day slowly (and a bit later than usual)
2. puttering
3. getting some much needed errands done
4. hanging out with a friend
5. New York Fries

Risking Failure

Yesterday I completed the final statistics assignment.  Within hours I'd received the mark back - 100%.  That made me smile.  Math has never been my "thing" but the grades are rolling in with smile inducing numbers in the statistics course.

I wish I could say the same thing for my anatomy course, but I just can't.  The amount of information is overwhelming, and I'd guess that the grade is going to be far less (by maybe 2 letter grades, or 20%, however you prefer) than what I'd anticipated it would be at the beginning of the summer when I began this crazy adventure of completing a course normally taught in a classroom over the space of eight months by myself in the space of two months.

And that grade reality has weighed heavily on my mind.  I even failed and had to repeat one quiz.  I'm not sure I've ever failed a school assignment (non-math related, anyway) before.  It's weighed most, heavily, though, because my acceptance into a nursing program is in part dependent on my grade point average - a grade point average I'd hoped to help, not hinder further, by taking these summer courses.

Unwittingly, I've been putting off the process of applying for admission to the nursing program.  Late last week I realized that I was putting it off, in part, because I was afraid of facing the reality of possible failure.  Of not being accepted.  I was afraid of the risk.  The day before yesterday I was reading a chapter in the book I'm currently making my way through, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin, and the author talked about happiness coming in part from successes, but that successes can't come unless we risk failure.  I'd have to go back and look to confirm that that was the point she was making, but it was the point that stood out in my brain.

Yesterday I took a risk.  It sounds ridiculous, but it was a really hard thing for me to sit down at the computer and submit my application to the university for the nursing program.  But I did it, even though I still fear I'll be rejected based on my grade point average.  And I'm glad I did.  I have a contingency plan for future study, and I'll be okay (though very disappointed) if I don't get accepted.  I'm convinced, still, that nursing is the direction in which God is leading, and I'm choosing to trust that even this will work out in His timing, and not mine.

It's real now.  I've applied.  And so the waiting begins.  Well, after I finish up all this course work.  Only 6 days remaining!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 5

Today's Daily 5:

1. finishing the final statistics assignment and submitting it
2. getting said assignment back, and getting a perfect grade
3. a really good house church gathering tonight
4. finally applying for the nursing program
5. the smell of the air after a quick summer thunderstorm
6. taking the bus somewhere in one direction only
7. laughing at baby M's delight when he managed to get around my hand and yank my glasses off of my face
8. watching an episode of Doc Martin (a British television show) on DVD
9. starting the day an hour earlier than usual (not at all something I want to make a regular habit, but necessary today for reasons out of my control) and then finishing assignments and work
10. pushing through a fear

Worth Watching...

The information in this TED video wasn't new, but it bears repeating, and it hits on a passion of mine anyway.  Check it out...

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 4

Today's Daily 5:

1. daily scripture readings while waiting for the bus
2. a decent sleep in spite of feeling quite ill
3. had another natural health treatment tonight
4. made notes on the final chapter of new anatomy material today
5. time reading for fun while waiting for a bus tonight.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 3

Today's Daily 5:

1. Paying off my line of credit, however bittersweet, is a huge deal, and one I'm proud of.  I think I'm also thankful for the lessons learned in years of paying off some decisions I might make differently today.
2. fruit smoothie for breakfast, waiting for me when I arrived at mom and dad's this morning
3. waking up to challenging and inspiring words in a daily email devotional written by Richard Rohr
4. the Asbo Jesus cartoon I included in my earlier post about how the day was bittersweet
5. really enjoying the new book I'm reading... it'll get it's own post one of these days
6. all the funny little ways I'm learning to simplify life and let go of past stuff... using up candles that I've "saved" for years... going through clothes and even books
7. taking some time tonight to clean my bedroom, even though I don't spend much time in this space
8. mom asked me to cook supper tonight, and bake cookies sometime this week.  I did both of those things tonight, at my own pace, since no one was around to eat supper at a given time except me.  I like to cook with someone, but I really love just moving around the kitchen on my own, at my own pace.  I do some of my best praying while I'm cooking like that, and, when the butter chicken for supper was simmering, I decided to tackle the cookies too, just because I was appreciating the way simply doing something I loved that I hadn't done in a while was calming me, and focusing my thoughts to pray in a week where I really needed to spend some time lifting some people I love before Jesus.
9. lightly scented candles...
10. 2 mugs of rooibos tea this afternoon as I studied
11. "watching" episodes of Grey's Anatomy on dvd while I puttered and cleaned tonight.

Bittersweet: Mourning the Loss and Celebrating, Too

This morning I paid off my line of credit.  And then promptly cried.  Hard.

It wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting on finding myself suddenly free from all debt except for my student loans.  But it was the reaction that came.

There is a huge sense of relief in having that debt disappear.  It frees up a significant chunk of money each month.  That in itself is a blessing since I don't have income coming in at the moment.  And the weight of knowing that I was in debt, that's gone too.

But it made me ache, too, for a number of reasons.

The first is this.  I had the money to pay off my debt because I lost my job.  For the years I was employed at the company that dismissed me in May, a mandatory portion of my paycheque was deducted and matched by the company and put into an RRSP fund that I couldn't access.  Because I lost my job in a way that some days still makes me ache a little, I could now access those funds, and I made the decision to do so in the hope that paying off the debt would be a huge financial help in the midst of the financially tighter time that has come from being so unexpectedly unemployed, and that I face as I face the reality that I will be a student for the next several years, and certainly not enjoying the relative degree of financial independence that I had while employed full time in a decent paying job.

The second reason for feeling bittersweet is the harder one, and it is the one that prompted tears.  The debt that I paid off came from a time nearly three years ago now, when I followed what I believed (and believe) was God's prompting, and then watched as nearly everything in life that I'd been certain of disintegrated around me.  The debt came as unexpected costs of travel meant that I bought groceries on my credit card to ensure that a rent cheque would clear.  It came from flights and rental cars as I traveled to various locales both to maintain my sanity (in part by collecting hugs from a dear friend) and to work to patch up rifts that seemed to grow ever larger.  I don't regret spending the money on those things, and they were my choice, but the debt, and now, the ending of it, is a reminder of the many things and relationships in which my heart was deeply invested that now seem lost to me.  It was a reminder of the cost, and somehow, the end of it makes that cost seem so much more final.

I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but this cartoon from a blog I love, ASBO Jesus struck me as I thought about all of this today.  I laughed, hard, and a bit ruefully as I considered it.

In some ways I feel like parts of myself were lost over the last years.  And somehow paying off the debt was a reminder of those losses, and the tears a pause again to recognize them.

And yet, I am becoming more whole each day.  I choose to believe that.  That healing is coming in new and special ways.  That being free from debt opens doors even as it seems to in some ways close others.  And if I get to choose (and I increasingly believe I do), then that is what I'm going to focus on.  New beginnings, even as I pause to mourn the loss.

Words

I came across this the other day, and loved it, and had to share.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 2

Today's Daily 5:

1. starting the morning slowly, without setting an alarm
2. getting two books I'd ordered and was anticipating in the mail
3. chatting about theology and the stuff of life with a dear friend
4. laughing
5. starting a countdown until my summer school work is done (11 days)
6. water
7. peanut butter and blackberry jam on honey oat bread for lunch
8. getting through today's anatomy chapter really quickly (thankful that it was a short one!)
9. one of those rare days when everything on my to do list gets crossed off
10. nodding in agreement and anticipation through the introduction of a new book
11. laughing with a friend who's been a friend for over a decade now
12. movie theatre popcorn
13. seeing the movie "Despicable Me" with a friend (really very cute and funny, and the 3D effect was cool too)
14. hope
15. string cheese (so bad for my stomach, but so much fun, and tasty, too...)

Worth Reading...

I loved this post on Brian's blog, simply for the quote from Bill Hybel's "Holy Discontent".  The quote alone makes me think (though the whole Bill Hybel's megachurch thing kind of makes me cringe) that I might need to pick up this book.

And, I loved this post, full of goodness from Thomas Merton that was on Anne Jackson's blog last week.  Again, so worth reading.

Richard Rohr on Silence

Yesterday's meditation from Richard Rohr struck me deeply, and I wanted to share it in its entirety here.

~~~


The most simple spiritual discipline is some degree of solitude and silence. But it's the hardest, because none of us want to be with someone we don't love. Besides that, we invariably feel bored with ourselves, and all our loneliness comes to the surface.

We won't have the courage to go into that terrifying place without Love to protect us and lead us, without the light and love of God overriding our own self doubt. Such silence is the most spacious and empowering technique in the world, yet it's not a technique at all. It's precisely the refusal of all technique.

~~~

Silence, I think, is hard.  and terrifying, and sometimes so necessary.  I usually avoid it until it is forced, and then I cringe as it comes, and am usually thankful for it as I emerge from it.  Odd how that works, isn't it?

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 1

Today's Daily 5:

1. Thankful for time in the sunshine
2. Learning some things about my own discernment as some things I'd guessed at and suspected were confirmed
3. Laughing with family
4. some encouraging emails and blog comments
5. a break from Grandma's house even for a day or so (I miss my own bed, but the relief of being away from the tension of that living situation is worth sleeping in a random bed)

What Winners Drink

Dana posted this image, and I loved it, so I "borrowed" it!

Daily 5 - Day 365

It started here, a year ago.  A year ago.  Wow.  A year ago I'd had a very hard birthday weekend, it seemed like any kind of progress towards healing and wholeness had been taken out in a massive landslide of crap, and I needed to find a way to refocus.  To choose to see life differently.  The daily 5 was born out of that.  And now, it's a year later, and it's become habit to go through my day making mental note of the things that bring a smile, or the things I'm thankful for - big or little.  A few others have even made these lists from time to time.

In 365 days, I've recorded at least 1825 items.  I was too lazy to go back and total up all of those lists, but 365 times 5 is 1825.  The reality is that there were lots of days where I recorded 10, or even 15 or 20 things that had made me smile, so 1825 is probably a low estimate.

I can't quite believe that tomorrow I start counting again.  That tomorrow year two starts.  I'm not even sure I ever intended for this to become a long term thing.  But, a year in, it's a habit I value, one that is still helping me to shape my thought patterns, to look for more positive things in life than negative.  To celebrate even the tiny moments.  And while I don't know how long I'll keep this up, for now, it's a pattern that I plan to continue to maintain.

So, here's today's daily 5:

1. reaching the one year milestone for making these lists.
2. finished the 5th of 6 stats assignments today
3. taking a bubble bath with a new book
4. leftover Thai take out
5. iphone games
6. finishing (in the wee hours of this morning) a book I quite enjoyed
7. not setting an alarm this morning
8. having over half of the day (and all of tomorrow!) with no school commitments.
9. puttering around the house with my ipod playing
10. walking, a little, in the sunshine and wind
11. triplus fineliner pens in multiple colors
12. clean drinking water
13. dreaming of traveling
14. laughing at coincidence
15. catching up on blog reading
16. taking a break to stay at mom and dad's house tonight
17. popcorn with lots of butter
18. a quiet day, spent mostly alone, at a place where I feel safe and able to rest
19. hugs from friends/family
20. laughing at funny television commercials

Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore (with Lynn Vincent)

“Same Kind of Different As Me” tells the story of Denver, a homeless black man, and Ron, a rich, white, international art dealer, and their unlikely friendship prayed into existence by Ron’s wife.

Memoirs of this sort are generally among my favorite books, but as I began to read this one, I feared it would disappoint.  I was wrong.  The story started slowly, and it took me a great number of chapters to sort out the two voices, and get used to shifting back and forth between the two authors.  Once I got the hang of it, though, the story was one I couldn’t put down.  The perspective of reciprocity in relationship between these two men, of how much they learned from each other moved me deeply, and tears collected as I reached the end of the story late last night.  I was particularly challenged by the unique metaphor of catch and release relationships that was woven through much of the book, and paused to reflect on some of my own relationships to consider whether I was valuing them in that way.  While I wasn’t initially sure that this would be a book I could recommend, I’m pleased to say that it is a story well worth the read.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com <http://BookSneeze.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.

Well-Rounded?

To be honest, these results are only kind of "me".  But, I couldn't resist a shell quiz, and I picked my favorite, and these are the results.

You Are Well Rounded

It's hard for you to stay focused in your life. There's just so much to be excited about. You never get too obsessed with anything. You just don't have it in you to be a workaholic. You don't seek balance - balance just seems to find you. You can let go and relax. Normal life is pretty amazing to you. You are content with where you are.

A Seashell Test

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

Daily 5 - Day 364

Today's Daily 5:

1. walking from the bus through the gentle, misty beginnings of a rainfall this morning
2. waving back at the little boy in the daycare window who grinned and waved as I walked by
3. a fruit smoothie for breakfast
4. having a book that I ordered recently show up in today's mail
5. google reader - seriously, I just discovered this this week, and I'm in love.  I used to open every one of the dozens of blogs I read in separate tabs, and my poor aging computer just couldn't handle it, so I'd do them a few at a time.  Now, I can just read them all in one place and click through to the ones I need to comment on.  And, I don't miss anything because it didn't pop up in the blogger "blogs I'm following" screen for some reason.
6. a new deodorant I've been using from The Body Shop - it's aluminum and paraben free, which makes me feel way better about using it, actually smells good, and best of all (since I tried several more natural deodorants) actually works and doesn't leave me stinky by half-way through the day.
7. a long shower with a high pressure, decidedly not eco-friendly, low flow, shower head that massaged out some painful knots in my neck and shoulders.  most of the time I'm all for a lower pressure, low flow, quick shower, but today a longer one and letting the heat and pressure act therapeutically was beautiful.
8. the first glass of red wine I've had in ages
9. reading for pleasure (not for school!)
10. laughing and talking and dreaming and scheming all evening by email with a good friend

Perspective

I've found myself thinking about perspective quite a lot this last week or so.

My parents have had a missionary family coming and going from their house for the last couple weeks, and, since I spend the vast majority of my days at mom and dad's, I've gotten to enjoy their company as well.

I've met dozens of missionary kids and families over the years, and this family has rapidly become one of my favorites.  Their children are articulate, well-adapted, and genuinely interested in the world around them and in finding fun everywhere they go.

I've been exposed to quite a number of missionary kids who seem quite adrift when they land in North America.  Conversations with them usually entail a lengthy  dissertation on how very different life in North America is from life in whatever country it is that their family serves in, and then a discussion of why it is that whatever the aspect of life under discussion is done better in that country than in North America.

When I began to travel, my dad gave me a piece of advice that I've found valuable.  Don't compare, and don't make judgments about what is better or worse.  The context is different.  Choose to appreciate, to observe, to explore, to seek to understand.  Sometimes as I'm talking with missionary kids, I wish they were given that same advice about approaching life back in North America - that in the same way it would be irritating and horrible for me to come to their home context and pass judgment about how things are done, it's equally irritating for them to come here and pass judgment.

In any case, I particularly appreciated the family that was staying with us.  Rather than complain about what they missed, I heard over and over from their three children, "We can't do that in Ghana!"  It was great fun to watch their youngest child's eyes grow large as she spotted one of the many herds of cows that spot the Alberta foothills.  "Look at how big those cows are!!!"  It was totally enjoyable to sit with them in a movie theatre and hear about how this was only the second or third time they'd ever been in a movie theatre.  I loved hearing them detail their delight at the vast assortment of wildlife they saw as they toured the mountains for the first time (none of them, parents included, had ever seen mountains!)  And I took joy in watching my dad teach the kids the basics of fly fishing - another "we can't do that in Ghana" experience for their collection.

There was something in watching all this that caught my attention.  That made me think about differing perspectives.  I live in a land where cattle are huge, and the biblical phrase about God "owning the cattle on a thousand hills" takes on a truly surreal meaning.  I live in "Alberta beef" country, where cattle are the pride and joy of ranchers, and are raised by the thousands.  Where cows are huge, plentiful, and where very high quality beef is easily obtained from just about any butcher or grocery store.  These kids come from a world where the cattle are scrawny and where a single cow can make an immense difference in the life and living eked out by a family.

I was thinking about perspective in a different way this week too.  Late on Monday night I sat in a car, catching up with a friend, hearing about her summer, and sharing some of the challenges that life has thrown my way this summer.  In her typically sarcastic way, she asked "and how's that for you?"  I laughed and began to respond in kind, "well, it's been just..." and I bit back the word I'd planned to use, threw something else in it's place and finished answering. 

She caught my pause.  "You were going to say it's been hell, weren't you?" 

"yep."

"You know that you can say that right?"

And my response caught me off guard as well.

"I know, but I'm working to change how I see this.  To be grateful for the healing that's coming, and not focus so much on how brutal the process is."

I'm thinking about perspective this week, and I want my perspective to be more like that of the kids I've so appreciated.  To let them be my teachers.  To see opportunity, and joy, and new things, instead of focusing on what has changed, what I miss, what aches.  I want to see healing instead of wallowing in the muck of a very broken life.  Even when everything is unfamiliar.  I want to have an "I can't do that in Ghana" attitude and make the most of what I am being offered, rather than wishing for a different portion.  And I want to continue to work on seeing a different perspective reflected not only in my thoughts, but in my outlook, my writing and my speech.

Daily 5 - Day 363

Today's Daily 5:

1. Fun numbers like 363
2. cuddling baby M at house church and making him giggle by playing peek-a-boo
3. unexpectedly being offered a ride to house church instead of needing to take the bus
4. fitting in a little bit of pleasure reading, and even some time just listening to a sermon I'd been wanting to take time to listen to
5. chatting briefly with a dear friend
6. laughing together with friends
7. candles
8. the scent of frankincense and myrrh
9. crazy, wavy, all over the place naturally dried hair.
10. iphone apps

How to Be Alone

I've learned, sometimes, in the (very much ongoing) processing of learning to love myself, to exercise self-care, to really see myself as valueable, that though being alone is so often my preference based solely on personality, I am not always gentle with myself, and being alone is sometimes something that causes me to consider myself second-rate.

While I didn't totally agree with or love everything in this video I came across earlier this week, it did make me smile, and I thought I'd share.

Daily 5 - Day 362

Today's Daily 5:
An introduction to the daily 5 lists can be found here.

1. Candles all around my bedroom
2. one of the rare occasions on which I ate some ice cream
3. fresh green beans
4. thinking about St. Clare
5. watching and laughing as some kids I know watched the movie "Cool Runnings" for the first time ever, and absolutely hilariously laughed their way through it.

Clare, Cancer, and Prayers

Today, August 11th, is the day that the Catholic church celebrates St. Clare of Assisi.

Clare is a favorite saint, for many deeply personal and private reasons, but also simply for who she is.  She lived a life dedicated to Jesus, and to the ideals of poverty that were espoused by Saint Francis.  It is Clare's image adorns the tiny silver medal that I wear around my neck the vast majority of days.

The medal delights those friends of mine who are Catholic, and confuses my protestant friends who wonder why on earth I'd choose to wear a Catholic saint around my neck.

On the medal Clare is pictured bearing a monstrance, the container in which the host is stored.  She's one of only a very few female saints who are pictured bearing the Host. It's one of the things I love about her.  I see that image, and am reminded, though differently, that I carry the Spirit of God with me and within me.  That He is deeply present with me.  I find myself reaching for that medal, for the tangible reminder of that between my fingers as I pray some days.

I'm thinking of that today, and praying... and I'm praying specifically for two friends and their families. 

On Monday I saw two different friends, both of whom had been told in the preceding days that a parent with cancer would no longer be receiving treatment, and the disease, barring the miraculous, would be allowed to run it's course.  One is newly diagnosed, the other we've been praying for for many months.  One quite elderly, the other by all accounts "too young".  And yet, none of those things seemed to make a difference on the faces of my friends as they shared that treatment would either not be attempted, or would be discontinued.

And somehow, as my heart aches for these friends, I was comforted by the reminder of Clare's faith, and comforted more deeply by the reminder of the God who sees and knows and holds and loves so much more deeply than I could ever do.

I came across this simple benediction, from near the end of Clare's life, and it rather perfectly summed up my heart for these friends and for so many others who are in the midst of terribly hard seasons currently.   May each of you know the God of peace and love of whom Clare speaks, and may you know the presence of the living God near to you and surrounding you in the midst of whatever life is offering you now.

Now, go calmly in peace,

for you have a good escort.

He who created you

has sent the Holy Spirit who guards 

you as a mother does tenderly

love her child.

Amen.

Daily 5 - Day 361

Today's Daily 5:

1. Friends with talents who share them generously.  I can't afford my usual hairdresser right now, but a friend I met while being a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding is a hairdresser and when I contacted her about coming to her salon (which I knew was more affordable than where I usually go), she generously offered to cut my hair at her home at an even more reduced rate.  I have cute hair and spent the evening visiting with a friend.
2. Macdonald's.  I know - so bad, right?  but every once in a while it's just so good, and tonight was one of those nights.
3. a long commute to and from my friend's house on the bus, simply making space to catch up on some sermon podcasts I'd been wanting to listen to.
4. I got a cheque in the mail today, that, once it clears my bank account, will pay off my remaining line of credit debt and significantly reduce my monthly expenses my eliminating the payments I was making.  while I was employed, though I would have preferred to invest the money elsewhere, we had a mandatory, matching RRSP program.  We contributed a mandatory amount from each paycheque, and the company matched it.  I couldn't access the money while I was employed, but once I lost my job it was mine to access.  After some thought and prayer, I decided the best use for a portion of it would be to eliminate the debt that had accumulated.  I'll still have my student loan payments to make, but the relief of having this one chunk of debt gone is sort of immense.
5. still loving the fact that my schedule for school is a bit more relaxed this week and that I'm spending the sixth night in a row in my own bed.  I'm not sure that that has happened since I lost my job in the middle of May, and I was definitely ready to be sleeping in one place for a while, even if I don't like the place that I live.

What are you reading?

I had really good intentions of coming up with something to say here today.  I'd planned to write a post last night, but ended up sitting in a car with a friend instead, talking about all the stuff of life.

So, here's my question for you:

What are you reading lately?  What books are challenging you?  What blogs are making you laugh or cry, or just generally think about life in a way that you think everyone should be exposed to?  I'm looking for some new book titles and blogs, so leave them in the comments and we'll all benefit!

Daily 5 - Day 360

Today's Daily 5:

1. 360 days... one year is so close now!
2. had a relatively productive day for a Monday
3. still really thankful that I was able to take the full weekend off from school work for a change.  it really helped preserve my sanity.
4. I went to a totally "old school" church bridal shower tonight (complete with gifts wrapped in tea towels!) and was one of probably three people (including the bride) in the room under the age of 40 (I'd guess the average age was more like 70!), and had a really good time anyway.
5. Laughing with my friend (the bride to be) who gave me a ride home.
6. Being told (after explaining some of what's been going on in my life and wryly commenting that I was finding some of it very cliche and that feeling cliche was making me grumpy!) in a very amused voice, "Lisa, you're many things, but cliche is absolutely not one of them!"  Oh I laughed at my friend's response
7. Honest conversation, in a dark car, about all the stuff that's been going on in each of our lives in a season that my friend aptly termed "a grape-crushing season"
8. being able to just listen as a different friend shared a bit about some new and very big challenges her family is facing
9. Italian chicken at supper
10. still enjoying sleeping in my own bed for a number of nights in a row (even when I don't love the place my own bed is located these days)

Avoidance

"The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon.  We can only lie to ourselves for so long."

The above quote was a classic Meredith line, from the ending of an early episode in Grey's Anatomy's second season.

I treat avoidance mechanisms like a cocoon, and they're usually my first stop when I'm dealing with fear.  Whatever I can do to escape the ugly reality of life for a while.

Escape, I think, is a good thing.

It can offer a break and a chance to breath and rest.

My issue is this - too often I let escape become avoidance.

Because let's be honest, shall we?  It's far more pleasurable to avoid than to face the mess head on.

To pretend it simply doesn't exist.

And then, then that moment always comes when I realize that I'm in a cage, not a cocoon, and I've delayed the inevitable - the pain, yes, but also the healing.

I'm working on this pattern lately... aware of it again, and working on the courage to crawl out of that cage/cocoon and really face life, and when I heard that line as I was watching the old Grey's episode, I knew I had to share it.

My question is this - when does your cocoon become a cage that keeps you from something better?

Daily 5 - Day 359

Today's Daily 5:

1. Listening to T & L lead worship this morning
2. laughing at a particularly awkward phrasing in church this morning with J and his girlfriend R
3. enjoying chatting with some missionaries that are staying with mom and dad right now
4. time enjoying family in a low key way
5. venti iced passion tea lemonade

Daily 5 - Day 358

Today was my 27th birthday.  That only bears mentioning because many years, and last year especially, my birthday has been a very hard day for me.  In fact, some of the crazy, hard emotions that surfaced on my birthday weekend last year were the reason I ultimately started making these daily 5 lists.  I started making them about a week after my birthday, as I began to process some of the hard, new realizations about life and about choosing joy that sprang from my birthday weekend.

And so, with thankfulness, here is today's daily 5 list:

1. I'm thankful for another year
2. I'm thankful for family and friends who love me
3. I'm especially thankful today for all of the unique friends I've made via the blogging community - I so love each of you, and love hearing from you, and your unique comments and insights both in comments here and in your writing on your own blogs.
4. I'm thankful for time spent outside of the city today
5. I'm thankful for the first day in ages without any school commitments
6. I'm thankful for the reminder that showing up here each evening to make this list really is in my days - to constantly choose joy, to keep an eye out for things that would make good list items and really notice the things in my days that bring smiles.
7. I'm thankful for a line in a Rob Bell teaching dvd that I watched again recently "You don't have to live like this." and the freedom that line offered
8. I'm thankful for 27 years of life
9. I'm thankful for brothers with a way better eye for clothes than I have (how unfair is that, by the way??) who use their talent to buy their sister new hoodies and things for her birthday
10. I'm thankful for a day without tears, and with many smiles.

The Book of Awesome

Have you heard of this book or blog yet?  It's like a daily 5 list on steroids, and some of the posts are brilliant!

I've only been reading the blog so far, but my plan is to get the book ASAP.  I think it'll become my go-to pick me up when I need a reminder about the simple but beautiful things in the world.

 

Some of my favorite posts so far (of the ones I've read):

Pulling a Weed and Getting all the Roots With It

 

Long Comfortable Silences Between Really Close Friends

Bakery Air

Sleeping in New Bedsheets

Old, Dangerous Playground Equipment

Living with Someone Who Doesn't Mind Killing Spiders

Daily 5 - Day 357

Today's Daily 5:

1. Leftover Vietnamese food for lunch (absolutely my all time favorite Ethnic food)
2. making homemade garlic butter for the garlic bread that went with lasagna tonight
3. a day where the school work was light, and finished early
4. not setting an alarm this morning
5. watching old episodes of Grey's Anatomy on dvd

Now

I talked yesterday about my brokenness and mental illness soapboxes and about walking honestly.

And then I came across this post from Anne Jackson earlier this week.

She wrote about the story of now.

I don't like my now story.

I talked about story at the beginning of the year, when I was reading Donald Miller's book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years."  About wanting to write a better story with my life.

If I look at my list, I have to admit that a lot of those plans for the year died when I lost my job and unexpectedly found myself duckless and changing direction in life.  Even U2 had to be indefinitely postponed (though I suspect that Bono's back surgery is not directly correlated to the ending of my employment tenure).

I started telling a different story when I enrolled in some university courses for the summer to begin to move towards a career in nursing.

And God had some story ideas too.

His involve healing and freedom.

And a process to get to those things that is anything but pretty.

Unless of course, you're using "pretty" in a sentence such as this, "It pretty much sucks, actually."

My now story involves a lot of days that are spent in tears.

In an seemingly constant and intensifying battle with fears that have controlled me for years.

Fears that are fighting hard to stay as they surface in new ways and I desire freedom and healing.

It involves stomach aches, and panic attacks, and frustration.

It involves relational tensions and discussions about boundaries and other things that involve my heart and stir insecurities.

It involves insecurities and self-image and self-worth.

And working to change long ingrained mindsets.

It involves identifying lies, and working through the (seemingly endless) process of replacing them with truth.

It involves family, and faith, and friends and sleepless nights and cloudy days.

This is my story of now.

And my gut response would be to go with the earlier statement - it pretty much sucks.

But something in me knows that this is good.

That God holds my hand and walks with me even in this.

That His hands are in these things surfacing now, when I don't have full-time employment to cope with too.

That He is offering freedom at the same time as directing me down this new path towards nursing.

It pretty much sucks.  But it's good.  Dichotomy and mystery.  Healing through pain.  Freedom after the fear really intensifies (and it encourages me, oddly, that the fear has intensified, that it is trying to hang on.  it seems to only do that when there is hope that it will really and truly go.)

This is my now story.

Daily 5 - Day 356

Today's Daily 5:

1. The relief of finishing an exam I'd dreaded
2. the sound of running water from a fountain in the park next to the train station
3. opening a dove chocolate before my exam and finding that the message in this one read "Life is sweeter with chocolate"
4. slurpee - I haven't had a slurpee in years, but only a couple of us showed up for house church tonight, so we went for a walk to get slurpees
5. Vietnamese for supper - since I'm not eating out regularly because of unemployment, I'm not eating my favorite food very often, so it was especially sweet to have Vietnamese for supper tonight with a friend.
6. this post that Kirsten wrote... she said what I would have said so many times...

Walking Honestly

A good friend of mine sent me an email the other day with links to posts from Alece's blog archives and commented that the two posts she included links to had made her think of me.  I've only been reading Alece's blog for a short time (I think I came across it via some other blogs I read, but I'm not even sure to be honest.)  However, in the short time I've been reading, I've come to appreciate the honesty in her words.

The first post that my friend sent me was this one, that talks about wallowing versus walking.  Boy do I know those feelings.  Some heavy stuff has surfaced in my life over the last few months.  Big, overwhelming, makes me ache and tear up at a moment's notice stuff.  And honestly, wallowing does seem easier.  Healing isn't exactly an easy journey, I've learned.  Most of the time, as a process, it's pretty much miserable.  That said, I appreciated and needed the reminder in Alece's post to cling to hope.  To hold onto the one who I know is true.  To put my hand in the hand of the one who I know from experience will lead me to healing, and who has promised to walk through the deep waters with me.

The second post my friend linked to was this one.  This one touches on my own personal soapbox of depression in the church, and how we never want to acknowledge it.  That said, it touches some raw nerves, too.  While I'm not currently struggling with depression (I remain so thankful for that moment of healing that God offered to me nearly five years ago now), I'm struggling.  Life is messy and ugly, and I'm not sure how to handle that.  I trumpet honesty, but honestly, I'm embarrassed to be struggling.  I'm tired of being the one on the soapbox, and a lot of days right now I just want to melt into the crowd of seemingly "perfect" people.  And yet, I've found that I've needed to be honest with some people in my life about what's going on inside of me right now.  To lean into their support and their prayers and their love as I again seek healing and restoration of the broken bits of me - knowingly and deliberately this time, not expecting a sudden miraculous and instantaneous deliverance like the moment the depression left.

I'm thankful for Alece's words, and for the friend who brought these posts I'd missed to my attention.  They moved me in important ways today.

Daily 5 - Day 355

Today's Daily 5:

1. 355 days of making these lists.  (Getting so close to the one year mark!)
2. I had to replace the mouse that I use with my laptop today.  While spending money on that wasn't ideal, I do have a funky purple and black much more portable mouse now, and I love the color and size which actually fits my small hands quite nicely.
3. leftover pad thai for supper again
4. making peace with the fact that I didn't get the return phone call I was hoping for and settling in to study and review and prepare
5. choosing to be thankful that though I'm not as prepared as I would be if I'd been able to postpone tomorrow's exam, I will instead meet my original goal of having what I know will be a very busy weekend free from the need to study.
6. a treatment from mom
7. grapes

An ugly reality

I am recognizing, lately, an ugly reality in my life.

Panic springs up easily, and it is so often tied to either fear, or to a need to perform, or both.

I'm thinking about this right now, because I'm nervously waiting for my phone to ring.  I'm trying to reschedule an exam that I had booked for tomorrow morning.

The reality of the tight scheduling of my courses this summer means that I booked some exams well in advance of when I began to study the material they covered.

In this case, that means that I've come up to the exam, written the practice midterm this afternoon, and discovered that I have less of a grasp of the material than I thought.  I need to give myself more time to review and learn the material than I have in the next 15 hours (especially given that I very much need to be asleep for at least 5 or six of those hours!)

But, because the school is online driven, it's hard to get a human on the phone to speak with.  I've left a few voicemail messages, and now I wait.

And panic.

What if they don't call me back in time?  What if I fail the exam tomorrow?  What if I pass but the grade is still really bad?  What if? What if? What if?

I have this insane drive to perform.  And when it looks like I can't meet that invisible standard in my head, I panic.

Lately this is especially driven by schoolwork.

I think it's partly because school was always "my thing."  It was the thing that came naturally, and at which I excelled.

In a family of athletes, I was bookish.

But, in a family where school was also a place of high achievement, I excelled, generally without trying very hard.

I grew up hearing about how mom worked ridiculously long hours to pay for university and still managed to pull off a 3.8 GPA.  The only C she ever got was in swimming, and that was because she'd never swam in her life until it was a required course for a physical education major.  And hearing how dad was the valedictorian of his Bible school class.

The thing I remember most about the day I picked up my university diploma is a comment (intended very jokingly, but still striking a deep nerve) my dad made when I proudly displayed it, "How come it doesn't say magna or summa cum laude?"

Anatomy is revealing these insecurities in surprising ways as I cope with grades that are less than what I'd hoped, and the realization that I will need to accept that I've done my best in the limited time available to me.  And, as I work to contain the many spiralling "what ifs" that the final grade in anatomy can stir in regards to my future acceptance to a nursing program.

And so I'm sitting here, in tears, worrying about failure.

Because somehow, in my head, failure, or even a "poor grade" is tied up with my value in the world.

If I fail, it must be because I am a failure.  It must mean that I'm worthless.

It's cliche, these issues of mine with performance, and the very cliche nature of them ticks me off.  (I hate to be a cliche!)

And rationally, I know that my value isn't tied in my grades, or how well I perform, or whether or not I manage to measure up to some invisible, ever-changing, and impossibly high standard.  I know I won't be loved more or less (at least not by people who really matter) if the grade is poor.

But panic, well, it clouds the issue.  And it's an ugly and very present reality in my life right now, as I work through these issues and others.

So I'm sitting here, waiting for my phone to ring, and writing a blog post to talk myself back to sanity.

And I'm reminding myself of a line that Rob Bell repeated over and over and over at the end of his DVD "The God's Aren't Angry".  "You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this."

And I'm determining, all over again, that there will be a day when I don't live like this.  That I don't have to live like this.  That panic doesn't have to rule.  That fear cannot control my life this way.  That it will go, a little at a time, and that by reminding myself that this is not a healthy response, and that I don't have to live like this, I'm taking tiny, infinitesimal, baby steps in the direction of healing.

And I'll take any progress in the direction of healing that I can find.

What a Name!

ht to Marko.

Why on earth would you name a middle school as follows?

But oh, it did make me laugh!

Daily 5 - Day 354

Today's Daily 5:
An introduction to the Daily 5 lists can be found here.

1. leftover pad thai for supper - I quite honestly looked forward to this all day, and it was incredibly satisfying when I sat down after my anatomy quiz to a big bowl of it.
2. passed the anatomy quiz - I find the quizzes the most nerve wracking - they're done orally by phone, and translating my thoughts into spontaneous spoken words on demand is NOT my strength.  don't get me wrong, I can carry a conversation, but stringing words together in a pressure situation?  no thank you.  give me a written test or quiz any day of the week.  that said, the feeling of relief when the quiz was done and I knew I'd passed was truly a beautiful thing.
3. home for the remainder of the evening after the quiz. no homework, just catching up on a few emails, and resting and breathing a little.
4. candles all over my bedroom again.
5. clean sheets and pajamas to crawl into for sleeping tonight.
6. loving a "sleep cycle" app on my iphone, and amused by how relatively accurately it graphs my sleep.
7. cleaning up my email box after getting quite behind for a few weeks while I was a bit overwhelmed by life - I've been chipping away at this all week, and tonight finally managed to pare it down to the level of unread/unhandled messages/tasks that I prefer to keep it at.
8. my St. Clare of Assisi medal
9. catching up on some podcast listening while I worked through emails and other stuff tonight.
10. a brief chat with a dear friend

Always a Good Word

Hope is always a good word.  And I loved how Claudia Mair Burney expressed it here.

Just Because

Life remains a little crazy, and my brain is definitely on overload as I work to absorb the necessary material for this week's quiz, assignment and exam.  So, because I have no brain power left to write a blog post, for today, just because it amused me, I'm sharing another quiz.

You Are a Geek

You definitely have some nerdy ways, but you've evolved into something way cooler - a geek. You are free spirited and quirky. You're proud of who you are, and you've got style. You may not fit in completely, but you don't have any problems socializing. You're witty, smart, and very knowledgable. You believe that everyone should embrace their inner geek!

Are You A Nerd or a Geek?

Blogthings: We'll Tell You The Truth... Someone Has To!

Daily 5 - Day 353

Today's Daily 5:

1. Chicken Pad Thai for supper
2. got the last chapter of new material for this week's quiz, assignment and exam finished, and even did a little bit of review
3. made my way through most of the list I made for the day
4. errands - you know my world has become smaller when a few errands are the big excursions in my week
5. watching more of Grey's Anatomy on DVD

Another Celtic Prayer

The book of Celtic prayers (Sounds of the Eternal, by J. Philip Newell) that I picked up in Michigan recently continues to shape my evening prayers as I prepare for sleep each night.  One of the Sunday night prayers felt especially appropriate for where I'm at in life right now, and where I'm at today, and I wanted to share it here.

In the quiet of the night
may I know your presence, O God.
At the ending of the day
may my soul be alive to your nearness.
Amidst the tiredness that overcomes my body
and the tensions that linger in my mind,
amidst the uncertainties and fears
that haunt me in the darkness of the night,
let me know your presence, O God,
let my soul be alive to your nearness.

Daily 5 - Day 352

This was my sabbath day.  Turns out making space for quiet and rest makes space for all of those other voices that can be silenced with work and busyness to stir, too, and I spent another good chunk of the morning crying, and wondering and hurting.

That said, I wanted to make a longer daily 5 list today, because today felt like the sort of day where I really needed the longer version.  The kind of day where I needed to find everything I could that brought a smile, or a moment of encouragement.  The things that soothed my soul in some way, or struck me even a little as happy today.

so, here's today's daily 5, in no particular order:

1. organic corn chips with salsa con queso
2. watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD for the first time in ages
3. one of those days where junk food for dinner just eases the soul
4. actually finding a food (even if it was junk!) that when I was hungry, sounded good to me (my body has been letting me know I'm hungry lately, but absolutely no food has felt appealing, so I've just kind of been eating to sustain energy and life, not really for enjoyment)
5. that moment when you drive over a Texas gate and realize the driver has perfectly aligned their tires to the metal strips so that it isn't bumpy
6. listening to thunder roll through the skies in the mountains
7. candles lit all over my bedroom to add warmth and light
8. sleeping late in the morning
9. a long hot shower after the kind of day that just leaves you feeling tired and slimy from the stuff of life
10. clean drinking water
11. taking photos in the mountains
12. a day of rest
13. tears shed
14. the comfort of doing routine, repetitive tasks
15. playing a game online
16. finishing up a long avoided task
17. getting through a bunch of "to dos"
18. "going" to church online, in my pajamas, in bed
19. checking the balance of one of my student loans and discovering it's closer to being paid off than I thought
20. pretty notebooks to jot notes to myself in.