Risking Failure

Yesterday I completed the final statistics assignment.  Within hours I'd received the mark back - 100%.  That made me smile.  Math has never been my "thing" but the grades are rolling in with smile inducing numbers in the statistics course.

I wish I could say the same thing for my anatomy course, but I just can't.  The amount of information is overwhelming, and I'd guess that the grade is going to be far less (by maybe 2 letter grades, or 20%, however you prefer) than what I'd anticipated it would be at the beginning of the summer when I began this crazy adventure of completing a course normally taught in a classroom over the space of eight months by myself in the space of two months.

And that grade reality has weighed heavily on my mind.  I even failed and had to repeat one quiz.  I'm not sure I've ever failed a school assignment (non-math related, anyway) before.  It's weighed most, heavily, though, because my acceptance into a nursing program is in part dependent on my grade point average - a grade point average I'd hoped to help, not hinder further, by taking these summer courses.

Unwittingly, I've been putting off the process of applying for admission to the nursing program.  Late last week I realized that I was putting it off, in part, because I was afraid of facing the reality of possible failure.  Of not being accepted.  I was afraid of the risk.  The day before yesterday I was reading a chapter in the book I'm currently making my way through, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin, and the author talked about happiness coming in part from successes, but that successes can't come unless we risk failure.  I'd have to go back and look to confirm that that was the point she was making, but it was the point that stood out in my brain.

Yesterday I took a risk.  It sounds ridiculous, but it was a really hard thing for me to sit down at the computer and submit my application to the university for the nursing program.  But I did it, even though I still fear I'll be rejected based on my grade point average.  And I'm glad I did.  I have a contingency plan for future study, and I'll be okay (though very disappointed) if I don't get accepted.  I'm convinced, still, that nursing is the direction in which God is leading, and I'm choosing to trust that even this will work out in His timing, and not mine.

It's real now.  I've applied.  And so the waiting begins.  Well, after I finish up all this course work.  Only 6 days remaining!

Sometimes flops (Rejoice)

As I write this, I'm happily eating a bowl of slightly mangled Chinese dumplings for dinner. I've loved these little things for years and every once in a while I'll make a whole meal out of them, and there is a local grocery store that sells bags of them, frozen, just needing to be cooked. My mom has mastered the art of cooking them until they're perfect. Me? Not so much. But hey, they're tasty, even slightly mangled.

The slightly mangled nature of the dumplings is pretty indicative of my cooking and baking attempts today.

I tried two new cookie recipes. One was an unrescueable flop (though very nice smelling), and ended up in the garbage can. The other is quite edible, but definitely not all that pretty to look at.

I think, today, I'm okay with the flops. They amuse me.

They feel indicative of life. You try, you enjoy the process, and well, sometimes you fail a little bit anyway, or maybe it isn't a failure, but it sure doesn't look anything like what you were expecting.

I'm glad I stayed home today, though yesterday I was so longing to attend the house church gathering.

My energy levels, true to form, have fluctuated through the day, and it's been nice to be able to simply retreat to my bedroom in quiet.

I still find myself praying deeply for some things, and that too, is drawing energy.

I was grateful that I was home because it meant that I got to trade a few emails with a very dear friend. Emails that encouraged my heart in the midst of the spaces that it's currently occupying.

In a little while, I'll light the third candle of the advent wreath, and let my heart be again quiet and praying. Tonight's candle is joy, or rejoice. Seems somehow appropriate, even though this has been a day where I have walked again the line between joy and sorrow.

It was a day of minor culinary failures, and yet, the time itself, spent cooking and baking has felt sacramental. A prayer offered. Love taking the form of food (even if I am the only one who will see or eat some of that food.) Amidst those moments, my heart rejoices and gives thanks.

Really Not Okay

I'm really struggling this morning.

One of those days when it feels like the whole world is crashing in, banging at the door, waiting to list your failures.

And yes, I know, I'm not a failure. I know that's a lie. But this morning, I feel like one. This morning I'm having a really hard time pushing that away.

So, I'm going out for a while. Because the thought of being at home by myself is just too much to bear right now. If I'm around people, I can, just temporarily, push the other stuff aside. I'll deal with it later. But right now, right in this moment, I can't face it. So I'm going out.