Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sometimes flops (Rejoice)

As I write this, I'm happily eating a bowl of slightly mangled Chinese dumplings for dinner. I've loved these little things for years and every once in a while I'll make a whole meal out of them, and there is a local grocery store that sells bags of them, frozen, just needing to be cooked. My mom has mastered the art of cooking them until they're perfect. Me? Not so much. But hey, they're tasty, even slightly mangled.

The slightly mangled nature of the dumplings is pretty indicative of my cooking and baking attempts today.

I tried two new cookie recipes. One was an unrescueable flop (though very nice smelling), and ended up in the garbage can. The other is quite edible, but definitely not all that pretty to look at.

I think, today, I'm okay with the flops. They amuse me.

They feel indicative of life. You try, you enjoy the process, and well, sometimes you fail a little bit anyway, or maybe it isn't a failure, but it sure doesn't look anything like what you were expecting.

I'm glad I stayed home today, though yesterday I was so longing to attend the house church gathering.

My energy levels, true to form, have fluctuated through the day, and it's been nice to be able to simply retreat to my bedroom in quiet.

I still find myself praying deeply for some things, and that too, is drawing energy.

I was grateful that I was home because it meant that I got to trade a few emails with a very dear friend. Emails that encouraged my heart in the midst of the spaces that it's currently occupying.

In a little while, I'll light the third candle of the advent wreath, and let my heart be again quiet and praying. Tonight's candle is joy, or rejoice. Seems somehow appropriate, even though this has been a day where I have walked again the line between joy and sorrow.

It was a day of minor culinary failures, and yet, the time itself, spent cooking and baking has felt sacramental. A prayer offered. Love taking the form of food (even if I am the only one who will see or eat some of that food.) Amidst those moments, my heart rejoices and gives thanks.