Like Jonah

A number of years ago when I was trying to arrange for a half-day alone with God, a friend sent me an article on ways to organize a half-day of prayer, along with the suggestion that I choose a bible character, or a short book of scripture and use the day to focus on that.  When I asked her what she suggested for me, her response made me laugh and feel slightly puzzled.  She said that I reminded her of Jonah, and perhaps I would like to spend some time with his story.

I didn't understand what parallels she saw between myself and Jonah then, but these days I think I'm beginning to understand, and I smile at the insight this friend had into my life and personality.

I was reminded of that conversation last night as the scripture reading plan I'm currently using had me working my way through the book of Jonah again tonight.

Years after that conversation, I see the patterns of Jonah in my life.

The thing where I knowingly flee from God's will and direction.

The thing where he meets me in that place of fleeing and offers mercy to me.

The thing where I then grudgingly, and often after disobedience move in the direction he first asked.

And the thing where I get disgruntled when what happens after I follow God's will is not what I expected or planned.

Last night I laughed and saw myself as I read the following verse, "This change of plans greatly upset Jonah, and he became very angry.  So he complained to the Lord about it..."

I know that feeling.  I've lived a good chunk of the last three years or so in that place.

I stepped out in obedience (and this was even one of the times where I wasn't doing after trying my own way first).  And what resulted, from either God's hand, or spiritual attack, or just the humanness of people, was nothing like what I expected or hoped for.

Jonah had a certain amount of pride in his skills as a prophet, and he was upset when God showed mercy.  But the pride - he actually said, "Just kill me now, Lord!  I'd rather be dead than alive if what I predicted will not happen."

I think we look at that and recognize the pride pretty easily.  I mean, really?  He's mad because God has chosen to shower love and mercy instead of the judgment and destruction he'd sent Jonah to proclaim?  What kind of man of God gets mad when God offers mercy?  This is the same guy who just had his life amusingly spared by being swallowed by a giant fish, praying in the fish bowels, and then being basically vomited onto dry land.  This guy who'd just been offered a great mercy, was angry that God was offering the same to the people he'd asked Jonah to condemn.

And yet, I think I recognize that tendency in myself as well.  There is a certain pride that can exist in knowing that I acted in obedience and a certain sense of feeling like I have a right to be angry with him at the results that he has allowed.  I can loose sight of the fact that it was God who called in the first place, and that I'm not responsible for the results, only for how I continue to walk in the midst of that.  All I'm responsible for is continually seeking God's guidance and choosing continually to walk in obedience to that which I sense he is leading me to.

And today I find myself thinking about Jonah, and confessing again that I have been prideful and passed judgment in places where my heart needs to extend mercy.

Rough Couple Days

Yesterday, around 4:00, I got a phone call from my car insurance company.  The car insurance company I just signed up with, when I got a car again.  Two weeks ago.  Yeah, that one.  Seems they reviewed the file, and because of my driving record (three at-fault accidents in the last five years), they needed to increase the premium.  Okay, no big deal.  I'd been expecting my rates would go up.  And then I choked.  Seems they will increase by 5x.  That definitely falls in the category of absolutely not at all financially feasible.  In any world of my finances, fantasy or reality.

I did some calling today, and it's looking like that is going to be the consistent story.  Because I got my license at an age quite a bit older than sixteen, and because of the accidents, the rates are going to be astronomical until one of the accidents is six years in the past (which is about two years away still).  Then they'll come down a little.  Still not great, but a bit.

What that means is that the car that I bought just over two weeks ago most likely needs to be sold, and the freedom I'd cherished is gone again.

In the good moments, I can find positives in this.  It's better for my financial situation.  It's that much more money (from insurance and gas) going to my debt every month, or to savings, or towards rent someplace other than Grandma's basement.  I can still rent a car for the occasional weekend.  It's summer (or will be when the crazy winter storm we're having right now blows over) and that makes walking and busing a much nicer option for the next 4-5 months or so.  I care about the environment and drove an old car that likely wasn't exactly low emissions, now I won't be driving it.  I get built in exercise, walking everywhere.  It gives me lots of thinking and alone time on transit - more fun, now, that I got the iphone.

To be honest, though, choosing to be thankful and joyful, even in this, kind of sucks right now.

My pride feels bruised, a little.  It was already smarting with the move into Grandma's (who moves back in with family at 26?  I've been teased a little for this, by some less than generous friends, and that hasn't helped with my pride), and knowing that I'll now be dependent on others for rides, likely for the next couple of years, is not helping the situation. 

What I'd really like right now is a hug from my mom and time to sob my eyes out.  (I have done my share of crying yesterday and today.)  But my mom is in Phoenix, and part of being a grown up means that I get to own even this.  This is my bad driving record.  It was my choice to put off gettting my driver's license until I was 20.  I'm not a great driver and I know it.  It's part of why I haven't been driving to work since getting this new car.  It stresses me out.  But it stings, and it's mine to own.  All of this is mine.  And I know that.  And I know that even in this I can survive and likely even thrive.

But just in this moment, it really sucks.

It helped a little, to get an email from a dear friend, understanding that this is a loss of a much needed freedom, given my current living situation, and reminding me that it's okay to feel sad

Tomorrow, I'll pick up the pieces and begin making arrangements to cancel the insurance policy and see if my brother is interested in buying my car.

Tonight, I'm going to enjoy driving it to house church for what will probably be the last time. 

And next week, when Mom is home, I'll probably cry on her shoulder a little, too.