Rough Couple Days

Yesterday, around 4:00, I got a phone call from my car insurance company.  The car insurance company I just signed up with, when I got a car again.  Two weeks ago.  Yeah, that one.  Seems they reviewed the file, and because of my driving record (three at-fault accidents in the last five years), they needed to increase the premium.  Okay, no big deal.  I'd been expecting my rates would go up.  And then I choked.  Seems they will increase by 5x.  That definitely falls in the category of absolutely not at all financially feasible.  In any world of my finances, fantasy or reality.

I did some calling today, and it's looking like that is going to be the consistent story.  Because I got my license at an age quite a bit older than sixteen, and because of the accidents, the rates are going to be astronomical until one of the accidents is six years in the past (which is about two years away still).  Then they'll come down a little.  Still not great, but a bit.

What that means is that the car that I bought just over two weeks ago most likely needs to be sold, and the freedom I'd cherished is gone again.

In the good moments, I can find positives in this.  It's better for my financial situation.  It's that much more money (from insurance and gas) going to my debt every month, or to savings, or towards rent someplace other than Grandma's basement.  I can still rent a car for the occasional weekend.  It's summer (or will be when the crazy winter storm we're having right now blows over) and that makes walking and busing a much nicer option for the next 4-5 months or so.  I care about the environment and drove an old car that likely wasn't exactly low emissions, now I won't be driving it.  I get built in exercise, walking everywhere.  It gives me lots of thinking and alone time on transit - more fun, now, that I got the iphone.

To be honest, though, choosing to be thankful and joyful, even in this, kind of sucks right now.

My pride feels bruised, a little.  It was already smarting with the move into Grandma's (who moves back in with family at 26?  I've been teased a little for this, by some less than generous friends, and that hasn't helped with my pride), and knowing that I'll now be dependent on others for rides, likely for the next couple of years, is not helping the situation. 

What I'd really like right now is a hug from my mom and time to sob my eyes out.  (I have done my share of crying yesterday and today.)  But my mom is in Phoenix, and part of being a grown up means that I get to own even this.  This is my bad driving record.  It was my choice to put off gettting my driver's license until I was 20.  I'm not a great driver and I know it.  It's part of why I haven't been driving to work since getting this new car.  It stresses me out.  But it stings, and it's mine to own.  All of this is mine.  And I know that.  And I know that even in this I can survive and likely even thrive.

But just in this moment, it really sucks.

It helped a little, to get an email from a dear friend, understanding that this is a loss of a much needed freedom, given my current living situation, and reminding me that it's okay to feel sad

Tomorrow, I'll pick up the pieces and begin making arrangements to cancel the insurance policy and see if my brother is interested in buying my car.

Tonight, I'm going to enjoy driving it to house church for what will probably be the last time. 

And next week, when Mom is home, I'll probably cry on her shoulder a little, too.

Daily 5 - Day 248

Today's Daily 5:

1. A beautifully white top, purchased to form an outfit.
2. Waking to an early morning phone call from my former roommate, L., in the UK.  It was lovely to be woken and spend a half hour laughing and catching up on each other's current situations.  And, she's acting as a live-in helper to a grumpy 90 year old gentleman, so there was much sympathizing for each other's particularly challenging and trying living situations involving elderly people just presently.
3. A short drive to do errands, in the sunshine.
4. Feeling like the day was quiet, but oh so very productive.
5. The best kind of Sunday, full of things I love, little joys of marking things off lists, conversation with friends and family, emails, good food, and rest.

Daily 5 - Day 218

Today's Daily 5:

1. Last day in the office for this week since I have meetings in another city tomorrow.
2. Got a sweet rental car to drive to and from Edmonton for the day
3. Really nervous about all that driving, but thrilled that I'm getting paid to listen to audio books or scripture or sermons or music for six hours tomorrow.
4. egg rolls for supper (simple pleasures)
5. made a trip to the library and picked up a whole variety of new audio books.  can't wait to listen to a few over the next weeks.

Daily 5 - Day 198

Today's Daily 5:

1. This is probably going to sound strange to some of you, but the absolute highlight of my day was getting behind the wheel of my grandma's truck a little while ago, and driving it from her house to my apartment.  But not because I was driving her truck.  It's because I drove, at night, for the first time since my accident.  And I was alone while doing it.  And it was pretty much as panickyn as I'd been thinking it might be.  And I drove all the side streets to make it home.  But I'm really proud of myself for managing to do that tonight.
2. Feeling actually really good about how this move is coming together.
3. So grateful for being allowed to take the afternoon off and the time it allowed me tonight to just rest.
4. Thankful for the family members who have been so helpful in making this move smooth.
5. Thinking about the fact that this is the last night in this apartment, and grateful for the seven months we lived here.  After two really brutal years, the last seven months in this place have been a time where I've finally seen healing begin to happen, and for that time I'm so incredibly grateful.

(Daily 5 will hopefully be back tomorrow night if all goes smoothly with the phone company moving the internet.  If not, well, it'll be back once I get the internet stuff sorted out.)

Olypmic Torch

To be really honest, I knew the Torch relay was passing near where I lived today, and I knew it was going to be happening right around rush hour when I would be driving home, and I was desperately hoping to avoid the whole kit and kaboodle. 

Instead, I got totally stuck in traffic.  And not just stuck in traffic.  Basically parked.  About 10 feet from one of the spots where a Torch relay exchange was happening.  Since I had my camera in my purse, I took a few photos.

Waiting for her turn to carry the flame

almost there - see it coming?

the handoff

and she starts running too.

Daily 5 - Day 122

Today's Daily 5:

1. An event tonight that was much more enjoyable than I thought it would be
2. Safe driving across the city and back in freezing cold weather and on slightly sketchy roads
3. Getting a good handle on the banking stuff that is in progress today, and feeling good about the change of banks, and like I understand it and it will really be quite beneficial for me.
4. I am enjoying the music that Susan has on her player. (and I was delighted to see a new post up tonight too!)
5. An afternoon holed up in my bedroom, doing paperwork, but also somewhat resting.
   

Daily 5 - Day 120

Today's Daily 5:

1. The little moments I listed in a smile list this morning, simple moments of beauty taking the train
2. Smiles and greetings at the house church I'm slowly becoming part of tonight. It was nice to be welcomed
3. leftover pasta for lunch... one of my favorite meals
4. managing to drive safely to and from the house church meeting tonight on somewhat icy roads
5. chatting with one of the girls at the house church that I'd like to get to know a bit more... it was good to have a few minutes to chat with her...
   

Daily 5 - Day 119

Today's Daily "5":

1. Making it home safely in very snowy weather. It took an hour and a half, but I was really just so grateful to have made it home in one piece and without any problems. (I think I'm going to take the train tomorrow... never thought I'd voluntarily do that!)
2. I'm pleased that even after a frustrating drive home, I found the motivation to follow through on a commitment to myself to really fight for my health, and to still do the yoga workout I had planned. That is a change in me that I would never have predicted - voluntarily exercising.
3. I'm thankful that in the midst of really dark days, there is hope.
4. I'm thankful for seasons like Advent and Lent that remind me what it is to really and truly long for the Light to Come.
5. Someone told me today that I seem "cheerier" and "more myself" the last month or so. That was really encouraging, particularly on a day when I was really struggling with sadness.
6. I'm thankful that I had a bit of quiet time to myself tonight before my roommate got home with a friend in tow.
7. I'm thankful for mango rooibos tea, and a couple of the cookies I baked on the weekend.
8. I'm thankful for the smile that came when a friend was teasing me about my plans to take the train tomorrow, reminding me of all the "adventures" I have collected over the years on the train.
9. I'm thankful that I can catch up on all the episodes from my favorite television shows online
10. I'm thankful for the little things (email from a friend, phone call from a family member, chats with a coworker) that remind me that I am loved and not alone.
11. (BONUS ITEM!!) I'm thankful for an ipod, which makes driving for an hour and a half to travel 15 kilometers a much more bearable undertaking. Tonight I listened to one sermon, and one and a half interviews with some of my favorite authors/speakers. It was good times, despite the nasty roads and the slighly frozen windshield wipers that made seeing out the front window a bit challenging!
    

Wednesday Morning, Still Praying

It's Wednesday morning.

For those of you who know me, you know that Wednesday's tend to be for me like Monday's are for most people in the world.

I basically didn't sleep last night. It was one of those nights filled with disturbed dreams and floating prayers and lots of simple wakefulness.

It's snowing again.

And our receptionist is late.

I need to do an errand ASAP once she arrives, and then, then I'm staying in the office until the day ends.

I'm hoping the commute is a bit shorter tonight.

What normally takes 20 minutes has been taking at least an hour this week. Some combination of overflow traffic and roads that are still not in great condition.

Home, yoga, dinner. Hopefully a quiet evening of resting.

And on it goes.

My heart hurts today. There are so many around me right now who are hurting deeply. So many that I love and care about. And I find myself praying deeply for them, for myself, this Advent season, "I am waiting. Come Lord Jesus."

Daily 5 - Day 118

Today's Daily 5:

1. Pork and mango tacos for dinner
2. a safe drive home, even if the onset of winter still has all the roads clogged (it took an hour to drive what usually takes 20 minutes). I am grateful every time I make it safely home in the winter
3. a soft warm blanket to curl up in
4. the sense of accomplishment in fixing something myself. I darned the thumbs of my favorite mittens tonight. The mittens were a gift from my brothers, purchased with a matching toque at my particular request last Christmas because they were fairly traded, and I love them and was quite distressed when the thumbs began coming apart. I'm quite pleased with the results of my stitching them back together with wool that blends in nicely.
5. scriptures coming to mind as my heart is praying
6. trading emails with a dear friend as I was in the midst of wrestling
7. the reminder of God's grace amidst very hard situations
8. I'm grateful that my heart responds to the seasons of the church, as unpleasant as the pull of seasons like advent and lent can be. I think they really do shape my heart.
9. "I am waiting. Come Lord Jesus." This prayer is a particular encouragement today.
   
10. another odd license plate that stirred a smile, and caused my heart again to pray.
    

Friday

There's a severe winter storm warning in effect and a glance out my window is rapidly explaining why.

To add to the fun, this afternoon we have a staff Christmas "party" that most of the staff don't particularly want to attend. A "party" that is probably 25 km out of town. Perfect. (At least I've wrangled a ride to and from the office to the party - a coworker will drive me to the party and drop me back at the office and my car.)

And then I get to face the afternoon commute in the bad weather, with the added pressure of knowing that I have an appointment that I absolutely must be at, at the opposite end of the city from our office, by 5:30.

Here's hoping the city crews do a decent job on the roads today, and start now, not three hours from now when they're already a disaster.

Snowing

It's snowing, and has been for several hours.

The roads that I can see from my office window don't look too bad, and we thankfully didn't have rain or wet snow first, to coat the roads with ice the way they were on Friday.

Who knows how long it'll take me to get home today. Or more accurately, to my parent's house, since I need to return their vehicle and then get a ride to go and pick up George from the mechanic.

I'm leaving the office a bit early, so hopefully that will help.

An Icy Drive

I had a pretty rough night, full of bad dreams.

Mostly dreams having to do with icy roads and sliding vehicles and terrible accidents.

At least I don't have to wonder why those were muddled around in my subconsious. The five hours I spent in a vehicle last night watching sliding vehicles, near misses, and a few accidents quite nicely explains that.

I will not be driving anywhere today unless it is absolutely necessary.

We had freezing rain yesterday that coated the roads, and then froze, turning roads into skating rinks, making hills impassable, and generally creating traffic chaos.

I've never liked driving to begin with. I do it because, well, it's convenient, and Calgary's public transit system is so very not.

I got my "learner's license" at 16. (Two years later than you're first legally allowed to obtain it.) I only finally got a full fledged license days before my twenty first birthday, motivated simply by the fact that the learners was going to expire and I didn't want to pay to renew it, and then pay again a short time later for a new license.

My new license was what Alberta calls a "graduated" license. I held that for a full five years, until this past summer, just days before my 26th birthday, where I scheduled a second road test to get rid of the conditions. Again, the motivation was simply that my license was going to expire, and I figured it was as good a time as any to take the test, rather than paying to renew a license and then paying several months later to upgrade it.

Winter driving is definitely my least favorite, and often leaves me shaky. Though I've seen terrible roads, I've not, in the years I've been driving, seen roads as icy as they were last night.

It doesn't help that my first accident ever happened because of winter road conditions. Or, that, months later, when I was finally able to get behind the wheel without feeling a surge of panic, I was driving home from a friend's rural home, hit some black ice at a notorious location on a major highway, and did a 360 degree spin in my rental car, starting in the right lane of traffic, and ending just barely on the road on the left shoulder. It was only by the grace of God that I wasn't hit by oncoming traffic. I drove for two more hours to get home that night, through terrible conditions. And then, last winter, after another heavy snowfall, I again hit some black ice on a major city road, and slid quite nicely into a guard rail, banging up the front end of my car, but again, thankfully, not getting hurt, or hitting any other vehicles.

So five hours (even if I was only the driver for two) on severely icy roads last night wasn't that helpful.

We've had a mild winter so far, and budgetary concerns have meant that I delayed having my winter tires put on. They're going on on Monday (only two days from now!), along with a few other repairs I've been waiting to have done. So I was driving on old, slightly bald summer tires on the iciest road conditions I've ever seen for two hours last night.

And, since Calgary doesn't salt, plow, or sand residential roads, and I live at the top of a hill, I won't be going anywhere by car until we have a bit of a thaw (predicted for tomorrow). My dad managed to get my car from the spot I'd temporarily abandoned it last night, to a safe parking spot in front of my house, and it is going to stay there until the roads thaw. I'll take transit to the one or two places it is absolutely necessary for me to go today. Because anything is better than getting behind the wheel again on those roads. I relived them all through the night, I have no desire to relive them in my waking reality today.

End of Day

I feel like this has been an incredibly draining, but surprisingly okay day.

My Telus technician came this morning, and my Telus woes are now (I think!) over until September when I need to cancel my television service. (That should be fun...)

I spent a chunk of the morning writing, praying, doing emails, and crying. Pretty draining.

The panic last night hadn't dissipated, so I spent a large chunk of the day reminding that that it didn't get to hang out with me either. That always takes a lot of energy. Which isn't my strength on a good day right now, but is definitely a challenge when I've passed an almost sleepless night.

The driving tester was great. It was (almost) a fun process. The test was an hour long, and I passed! I'm now officially a fully licensed Alberta driver, with no conditions on my license. I have an interim license (basically a slip of paper) to prove it until my new license comes in the mail.

I bought myself roses - 2 dozen actually - because there was a good sale at the shop where I buy roses. I would have bought them whether or not I passed or failed, but it was rather sweet to celebrate with flowers.

I actually felt up to spending some time on my appearance, and for the first time in a while felt really pretty as I headed out to our family gathering. We were celebrating my Grandma's 80th birthday, and about 5 other birthdays as well. It was nice to feel that way again. My dad took a couple photos of me, and he'll email them to me, so that I can hopefully share them here.

The family gathering was less exhausting than usual too.

And there were some good laughs with my dad. He's on a kick right now where he's teasing me about being the only officially unattached sibling. He called me at work yesterday to update my contact information, and was teasing me about the blank for "spouse" in his contact database. I told him I was dating Jesus. He was teasing me again tonight about not securing a son-in-law for him, and I told him that other guys simply couldn't measure up. He laughed pretty hard and told me that my standards were too high. I asked him what father had ever told his daughter that her standards were too high? We laughed, and it was nice to just laugh with him. To not pay attention to all of the tensions in that relationship, and be able to laugh a bit...

And now, now I'm home, and absolutely exhausted, and needing to go to bed.

It was a good day. But very full, and very draining. And now I'm praying for sleep. And maybe some rain tomorrow, to cool the air in our apartment down a bit...

Panicking Again

I had a rough night again.

It would seem that I'm a bit more nervous about this driving test than I realized, and that the panic I struggle with at times took advantage of that fact.

It's such a spiritual thing, an entity of sorts, this panic that comes on me, and for me, it tends these days to come when I'm not fully conscious. So, while I most certainly wasn't sleeping, I wasn't really awake either, and that's when the panic set in.

I spent the whole night worrying about something with a really simple solution. I was conscious enough to even be aware of the solution, but it wasn't until around 5 am that I was awake enough to realize what was going on around me and simply begin to take a little bit of authority and tell the panic it couldn't hang out with me. After that I got about 2 hours of disturbed sleep (it's been really hot here this week, and our apartment is brutally hot).

It frustrates me that this remains an issue, and that it can prey on me when I'm only semi-conscious and seem unable to combat it.

I'm thrilled that the ability to combat it has gotten much stronger when I'm awake, but finding the other incredibly disheartening at moments.

In the meantime, I spent the entire night panicked over something that can be sorted out with one (or two, depending on the results of the first one) phone call. So annoying.

Friday Evening, Into the Weekend

I spent a few hours tonight driving around the city, with my roommate in the passenger seat coaching me on the "bad habits" I identified while taking a driving lesson the other night. Things like keeping both hands on the steering wheel at all times - things that probably are never going to matter again if I can just manage to pass the road test I've scheduled for tomorrow.

We also managed to smoke out our apartment while trying to make toast for sandwiches for dinner. Several smoke alarms later I'd managed to set up a fan to blow most of the smoke out an open window.

So, tomorrow morning I have a tech coming that I'll have to refuse at the door. (Again, let me say as I did at the start of the month, DO NOT EVER USE TELUS TV.) Hopefully that will finally settle all the details.

Then the road test in the early afternoon, a bit of down time, and then a big family shindig - the quarterly, "everyone who's had a birthday in the last several months or has one in the coming few weeks" (including me!) party.

Somewhere in there I need to do some cleaning, and build the utility shelf I bought at Ikea last night. And sort through my scrapbook supplies to put on the utility shelf, so that they're not just sitting in boxes on our living room floor.

Oh, and maybe I'll do a bit of reading. Hard to say at this point.

In any case, I haven't been feeling well today, and I think I'm heading for bed.

See ya tomorrow!

All Over Thoughts

This has been the kind of week where I've been hopelessly busy all day, every day at the office, and still feel like I've accomplished almost nothing.

A friend brought several of us at the office flowers this morning, since there's been quite a bit of stress going around the office since the launch of a new product last week. I have a bouquet of white daisies smiling at me from a canning jar on my desk today.

Whatever stomach bug I'd contracted over the weekend seems to have settled down, and I'm grateful for that. Eating is much more pleasurable when you don't immediately feel fairly violently ill after doing so.

I'm taking a driving lesson tonight. Yes, you read that correctly. Alberta has a graduated driver's license system in place, where, two years after you begin driving, you become eligible to take an advanced road test to earn a license free from conditions. (The major condition is that without taking the advanced road test, you must have a 0 blood alcohol limit - so, basically, no wine or drinks at dinner if you're going to be on the road again.) I've been eligible to take the advanced road test for a number of years, but have never bothered to do it. However, my drivers license expires on my upcoming birthday, and rather than pay to renew the license, and then pay the fee to upgrade it, I thought I'd simply do it all at once and only pay one fee. So, I booked a refresher driving lesson, to review what will be covered on the advanced road test and make sure there aren't any surprises.

There have been all sorts of office frustrations the last few weeks, mostly stemming from the launch of the new product, and from the fact that certain people seem to have a strong sense of selish entitlement. I suppose that could be said of everyone, everywhere to some extent, but it's been rather blatant in a few frustrating (and ultimately expensive) incidents the last little while.

My roommate likes to tell me that I work in a soap opera. There are a lot of days that I think it's true. Soap opera writers couldn't dream up crazier situations than some of what I've encountered the last few months and years.

But, for the most part I remain grateful to have a job that pays my bills. And I'm definitely grateful for the new position I moved into about three months back. I'm still enjoying what I get to do in that position, and the freedom that it brings.

And with that, I'm off to finish up a few last things before the day ends and I have to head out for this two hour driving lesson!

Huh...

I say this as a person who is on the record as a strong hater of winter and all things cold. I want the cooler weather back. I want it to be dark past 6 am (the hour when I'm sometimes just drifting off to sleep after a rough night). This morning I woke absolutely soaking wet - while I have no recollection of being overheated in the night (usually that wakes me as well), I can only conclude that it must have been terrifically hot in my bedroom last night - that, or I was truly thrashing about in my sleep (or lack thereof...).

Last night was incredibly rough. Other than the aforementioned things, there were dreams, and, I woke in immense pain at around 1am, down the entire right side of my body. Not sure what that was about, but it necessitated pain killers, and a few desperate prayers.

So, it's morning.

And I'm at work.

And there have been some frustrations to deal with already. The sorts of things that call for patience, and setting a sense of justice and fairness aside in the face of someone else's entitlement. (If you can't set it aside, you'll go crazy.)

I'm trying to sort out weekend plans. They're fairly dependent on whether or not a phone call I've placed several times is returned. There is an alternate set of plans in place too.

I'm meeting a long time blogging friend in person after work tonight. That should be great fun! I think we've been trading comments and the occasional email since near the beginning of my blog 4 or so years ago, and it should be lovely to finally meet in person.

I'm laughing just a little, in an ironic sort of way, (given some of the things going on around me in the last year and a half) at this quote I came across yesterday, "Junior High called. They want their drama back."

I'm also laughing at the latest cartoon on the Naked Pastor. Perfect clarity indeed!

I'm still in pain this morning, though thankfully not nearly as intensely as last night.

I saw the funniest thing when I glanced in the rearview mirror while sitting at a stop light on my way to work this morning. I looked back and wondered "what the heck is she doing?" After watching for a while, I realized that the driver of the car behind me was taking advantage of the stoplight and using the time to pluck her eyebrows! I've never seen that one before!

For the lack of sleep I've had this week, I've hit some sort of place of hyper-awareness. I'm very aware of some of the things that are going on around me. The beautiful things and the painful things. In some ways, I'm feeling both incredibly aware of the spiritual again, and completely deaf at the same time. It's an odd sort of feeling.

And with that, I'll conclude this all over the place "huh" post and head on into my day!

Productive?

I feel like it's been an oddly productive morning thus far, on both a work front, and a "things I personally need to do" front.

I talked with my car insurance company to get an answer to a question I had.

I scheduled a driving lesson - long story, but my license is coming up for renewal, and I'm also well overdue to take the advanced road test that is part of Alberta's Graduated Driver's Licensing system. (I think I was eligible to take the test about three years ago!) Anyway, because it's been over five years since I last did a driving road test, and since this one covers different things, I thought I'd book a bit of a refresher lesson to try to ensure I can pass this test in one attempt and only have to pay for it once.

I knocked several items off of my work "to do" list.

I bought groceries (unexpectedly) for the office.

I spoke briefly with the rep for our filing system when she dropped off some samples I'd asked for. And I supervised the delivery of several new furniture pieces in the office as well.

I talked with my mechanic about George. He informed me what a particular problem that I'd noticed was caused by. I'm really thankful for our mechanic, who's honest and never tries to cheat me. I asked if I needed to have this problem repaired, and he told me that George is absolutely safe to drive without repairing the problem, that it was my preference. Since I'm trying not to sink huge amounts of money into my rather old vehicle, I opted to leave it unrepaired for the moment. So, George just had an oil change, and I'll pick him up after work tonight.

I find myself somewhat surprised at what's been accomplished today. Especially since I slept very poorly again last night, and was most definitely dragging this morning.

I'm less than excited about the fact that there is a trip to the soul sucking mega grocery store in my future tonight, but I'll survive it, and then probably have to do another round of yoga to recover!

And I'm still in the mood to wear scarves (and pray). Yesterday's was sent to me by a friend, a gift from Morrocco. Today's is a gift from another friend, this time sent from Nepal.

More thoughts later I suppose...

Mountains

When you live in the part of the world I live in, it's fairly inevitable that you spend at least some time in the mountains as you're growing up.

I've always loved the mountains - I learned to meet God in creation when I spent time in them. Even during the years of depression, a day of hiking, or simply driving and spending time in the mountains could lift my spirits.

Until recently. The last couple of trips I've made out to the mountains have been pretty hard on me. And suddenly, I've had absolutely no desire to be in the places my heart has loved for years. In fact, the times have been so hard on me that I've been afraid to be in the mountains - wondering if it was simply the atmosphere of the places I visited that made it so difficult to enjoy what I'd always loved.

I'm going to the mountains today. And to be honest, I'm dreading it a bit. I'm serving as the driver of a rental car that will take myself, one of my roommate's, and a houseguest who's been staying with us for about a week to the mountains. Those of you who know me well will know that the fact that I'm driving is making it that much harder for me to do this.

But I'm going to do it. And I'm hopefully going to meet with Jesus. They're planning a two hour hike that my energy levels right now won't allow me to do. So I'll be sitting in the car and sleeping or reading. Or sitting in a hotel by a beautiful mountain lake and sipping tea and writing, or (if the weather permits) simply sitting by the lake.

I don't like being afraid of the places my heart loves.

So, as much as I'm laying here in bed, getting ready to get up and go pick up the rental car, and fighting panic, I'm going to do this.