Daily 5 - Day 99

Today is day 99, and I can't quite believe I've been doing this for that long. Without further ado, here are today's daily "5":

1. I'm thankful, today, on a day with 9s for the friend who started pushing me towards changing thought patterns to more positive ones in the first place, who has pushed me to choose life and joy. (It was her pushing that led to the eventual idea to make these lists every day.)
2. I had an unexpectedly decent evening - some good conversations. I think I'll go back to this house group.
3. I found joy tonight both in the feeling of wearing makeup and looking pretty, and in the freshly washed feeling of taking it off several hours later.
4. Smoked Gouda, homemade pita chips, and hummus for a quick, simple, on-the-fly dinner
5. laughter - in various moments through a crazy day
   
6. the pleasure of praying with other believers
7. chocolate cake in bed to finish up the night
8. a constant refrain that is slowly bringing peace, and hope
9. Tomorrow is Friday! (a little anticipating the joys to come!)
10. feeling welcomed in the midst of a situation that could have been incredibly awkward
    

Henri on Waiting

I found this in my inbox from Henri Nouwen AFTER I wrote this morning's post. Funny how that works...

Active Waiting

Waiting is essential to the spiritual life. But waiting as a disciple of Jesus is not an empty waiting. It is a waiting with a promise in our hearts that makes already present what we are waiting for. We wait during Advent for the birth of Jesus. We wait after Easter for the coming of the Spirit, and after the ascension of Jesus we wait for his coming again in glory. We are always waiting, but it is a waiting in the conviction that we have already seen God's footsteps.

Waiting for God is an active, alert - yes, joyful - waiting. As we wait we remember him for whom we are waiting, and as we remember him we create a community ready to welcome him when he comes.

Maybe, in the future

I don't know exactly what to write.

I feel like this has been a deeply internal week, and I'm just not sure how to share it.

I'll be incredibly glad when tomorrow afternoon comes, and at least the work portion of the week is at an end.

It's been three nights in a row of intense dreams now. Some remembered, some not so much. Nights of (more than usual) interrupted sleep.

I had a meeting this morning that will necessitate another meeting. One that's likely to be a bit challenging. I guess I'll deal with that when it comes.

Susan posted some really beautiful thoughts here. Her story reminded me of this post I wrote in April. Of memories that, months later, are still fresh, and for which I'm still very grateful.

I'm going to check out a church option tonight. A small house gathering. While I'm not by any means as panicky as I sometimes feel about things like that (I'm quite peaceful about it, really), I have to admit that after a week like I've had, the last thing I really want to do tonight is to take my introverted self to a new place and spend the evening with a group of strangers. But I'm going to do it. Because I've missed the community I once had, and it's slowly becoming clear that the changes to that which I once had are more permanent than I had hoped.

"Don't neglect gathering together" the author of Hebrews wrote. It's a hard verse. Because while Jesus is appealing, sometimes his people are so very unappealing. Sometime I am so very unappealing. And yet... my heart, as much as it hesitates, and reminds me of past hurts, past church disasters, remains hungry for that fellowship, that community with others who love Jesus.

I feel like it's a bit of a waiting game this week.

Caught between memories, present reality and dreams for the future.

And Ingrid Michaelson's "Maybe" has become the underlying voice to my week. The answer to everything seems to be "...maybe, in the future..."

So, I'm waiting to see what the future will bring. What tonight, and tomorrow, and the weekend, and weeks, and months and years from now will hold.

...maybe, in the future...

Daily 5 - Day 98

Today's Daily "5":

1. feeling relatively peaceful, despite two rather intense days and two rather intense nights in a row
2. the chicken gumbo I made last night was tasty!
3. grocery shopping went relatively smoothly (read: I didn't leave the store in an incredibly foul mood)
4. Wendy's for lunch - I was in the mood for a grilled chicken sandwich and some fries, and it was ultimately quite satisfying
5. "Maybe" by Ingrid Michaelson (played it on repeat almost all day)
6. both of my parent's calling me within 10 minutes of each other to tell me that a package had arrived for me (I get my mail at their address still - easier than changing addresses every time I move)... it was really quite funny to have them both call to tell me exactly the same thing, and added a chuckle to my day
7. telling funny childhood "word" stories at coffee break... those moments when as a parent or grown-up you just really want to laugh, but shouldn't.
8. chocolate cake
9. a few games of bejeweled blitz on facebook (sort of a nice way to relax)
10. finishing up my four days in a row of exercise for the week, and knowing I'm coming up on some days where I don't have to rush home from work and cram yoga in before cooking dinner.
    

Feels like a long week

It feels like it should be Thursday at the very least. It's only Wednesday.

I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson's "Maybe" on repeat this morning. The refrain, "maybe, in the future..." plays over and over in my thoughts.

I discovered this morning that Jason Upton is doing a conference in a small city only 3 hours drive from here this weekend. I'm far too broke to attend, which is disappointing.

Tonight is grocery shopping night. That means that I'm already praying for a peaceful experience there. (Have I mentioned that while I don't mind grocery shopping, I have a strong dislike for the discount warehouse type store we do most of our grocery shopping at? I refer to it as the "soul-sucking mega store".)

I started my four days of exercise a day earlier than usual this week. (I read a brief study that suggested that one way to increase seretonin in your brain was to do 20 minutes of moderately aerobic - they suggested yoga - exercise for at least four days in row. Apparently if you do this, there was an increase of seretonin levels in the brain shown over a period of sixty days.) Because I started a day early this week, that means tonight is my 4th day, and that I'm actually kind of excited about.

My budgeting strategy is being put to the test tomorrow. One of my favorite shops is having a sale. A good sale. 20% off everything for members instead of 10%. And it's very tempting to go stock up on the products I buy there (which include my skin care products and hair care products). But I bought what I needed, and a bit extra fairly recently, and my budget is already a bit stretched, so I think tomorrow I'm going to quietly ignore the sale. (Which hurts the bargain loving part of me that rarely pays full price for things...)

I'm really looking forward to eating the chicken gumbo I made last night for dinner tonight. It looked pretty tasty, and it's rather nice to know that on a night that will already be busy, there is a full pot sitting in the fridge, just waiting to be heated up and consumed.

I'm still in the midst of odd, deep spaces, and am thus sharing mostly the ephemera of life at the moment. I hope you'll bear with me as I sort through memories and ponder the events of my days (and nights) more quietly.

The dreaming has been thick lately, and has carried memories with it, and I'm feeling the need to process deeply and internally before sharing with the world (or perhaps never sharing with the world.)

It feels like a long week. How is it possible that it's only Wednesday?