Thursday, November 19, 2009

Maybe, in the future

I don't know exactly what to write.

I feel like this has been a deeply internal week, and I'm just not sure how to share it.

I'll be incredibly glad when tomorrow afternoon comes, and at least the work portion of the week is at an end.

It's been three nights in a row of intense dreams now. Some remembered, some not so much. Nights of (more than usual) interrupted sleep.

I had a meeting this morning that will necessitate another meeting. One that's likely to be a bit challenging. I guess I'll deal with that when it comes.

Susan posted some really beautiful thoughts here. Her story reminded me of this post I wrote in April. Of memories that, months later, are still fresh, and for which I'm still very grateful.

I'm going to check out a church option tonight. A small house gathering. While I'm not by any means as panicky as I sometimes feel about things like that (I'm quite peaceful about it, really), I have to admit that after a week like I've had, the last thing I really want to do tonight is to take my introverted self to a new place and spend the evening with a group of strangers. But I'm going to do it. Because I've missed the community I once had, and it's slowly becoming clear that the changes to that which I once had are more permanent than I had hoped.

"Don't neglect gathering together" the author of Hebrews wrote. It's a hard verse. Because while Jesus is appealing, sometimes his people are so very unappealing. Sometime I am so very unappealing. And yet... my heart, as much as it hesitates, and reminds me of past hurts, past church disasters, remains hungry for that fellowship, that community with others who love Jesus.

I feel like it's a bit of a waiting game this week.

Caught between memories, present reality and dreams for the future.

And Ingrid Michaelson's "Maybe" has become the underlying voice to my week. The answer to everything seems to be "...maybe, in the future..."

So, I'm waiting to see what the future will bring. What tonight, and tomorrow, and the weekend, and weeks, and months and years from now will hold.

...maybe, in the future...