A Little Bit Frustrated

In a few minutes I'm going to show up here and write a "daily 5" list and talk about the fact that it was actually pretty good day.

But just in this moment, I'm feeling exhausted and frustrated.

I've mentioned off and on that I've been struggling with my health for the last couple of years. That has been particularly true in terms of having an almost zero energy level. I quite literally think about every social commitment I make, and how every decision to be away from home for the evening or for part of the day or all of a day on a weekend will affect my ability to function for the next week. (For those of you who had been part of my social life prior to the last couple of years, and have been less so during the last few years, well, I still love you, I've just been severely limiting my commitments!)

It has meant that I can't be on my feet for more than a couple of hours at a time.

It has meant that most nights I need to be home and in bed early. Often I'm in bed, winding down by nine, with my lights out by ten.

It has meant that I try to schedule only one or maybe two evenings out a week, recognizing that more than that takes energy that I simply don't have to expend.

I've been oh so slowly noticing signs of improvement, but tonight I'm feeling just a bit discouraged.

I spent the day with family, doing some baking, and some grocery shopping and christmas decorating with my mom. I was on my feet for much of the day, but not in an overly strenuous way. I enjoyed the day quite a lot.

But...

I'm exhausted. Completely done in to the point of crying.

To be fair, there are memories and dates and other little things that were already making this weekend emotional.

But I'm drained, and I find it discouraging to discover that the ground gained with my health is still quite minimal, and that the process is still so very slow. I wish for more or different. I long and pray for the days to return when I don't approach life with the energy level of an 80 year old. (Actually, I think my 80 year old grandma has more energy and a far busier social life than I do!)

I'm not going to focus on this for very long. Because, like I said, it was a decent day. But I do want to pause, just for a moment and acknowledge that I'm frustrated and discouraged by my health at times still. And that I'm committed to keep taking steps towards healing and praying for restoration.

Snowy Morning

It's nearly ten am, and I am sitting cross-legged beneath the blankets of my bed, with another thick blanket wrapped around my shoulders. It's cold out there, and the snow is still falling and still drifting.

I made it out of bed long enough to find some breakfast. Necessary so that I could take all of the supplements that are contributing to my return to being a stable human being rather than a frail person with no energy.

I think I'll mostly be staying in today, though I may venture to the mall briefly, and to the grocery store.

Baking, maybe a few creative projects. Some cleaning, time reading and thinking and praying and maybe even writing. Those are the things on the plan for today. Those and things like budgeting, painting my nails (fingers & toes), and perhaps some general organizing.

The wind is absolutely howling around our building, and the winter storm warning remains in effect. Like I said, I don't think I'll be venturing very far.

And yet, on days like this, I feel almost trapped and lonely. I wish for a friend who is stuck inside with me, or just for the ability to drive somewhere by myself for a bit, without having terrible panic at the state of the roads. Days like this make me wonder what I'm going to do with myself over the ten days I have off from work at Christmas. Ten days where my roommate will be out of town and I'll be rattling around the house alone.

I'm sure I'll figure it out. I'm sure I'll figure today out.

One day at a time. That's pretty much what I can manage these days.

Daily 5 - Day 114

Today's Daily "5":

1. Safe driving
2. A christmas party that got moved, and was far better than expected because of the move
3. making it to my natural health treatment in spite of the weather
4. Loving the lyrics to this Christmas song that Paul Brandt and his wife Elizabeth wrote a few years back.
5. lighting candles, sipping tea, eating jello, being wrapped in a blanket, wearing freshly washed pjs, and simply enjoying a quiet evening of prayer
6. loving a quote from Mother Teresa about Advent - will blog more about that coming soon
7. a hug from my mom at my treatment this afternoon
8. the fun of pulling together with several ladies on staff to turn a fairly utilitarian boardroom into a space suitable for a staff christmas party, on very short notice, with very limited resources, and creating a space that looked and felt festive.
9. realizing while arriving at the end of a week that has in some ways been quite hard that there is new life slowly forming within me, and that amidst the hardness of the week, I am joyful in deep places
10. I'm thankful for LP/CA who has offered encouragement, the advantage of a perspective separate from my daily life, and whose emails have helped me this week as I've been processing some challenging events of late.
    

Curled up

I am enjoying a quiet Friday evening.

The party for the afternoon was moved to our office, and was perhaps one of the better parties we've had at Christmas (this is the fourth one I've attended, and was, in my opinion, the best.)

The roads were miserable, and the snow is still falling and showing no signs of stopping. However, tonight I was thankful for roads that were simply snowy instead of sheer ice like they were a week ago. I made it in plenty of time to the appointment I needed to be at (in fact, I got out of work earlier enough that I was able to accept a cancellation appointment, and have my appointment an hour earlier!)

I've been at home for a few hours now, and am in a quiet space. Wrapped in a blanket, curled up in my bedroom, with candles and lovely scented things burning all around the room.

I'm eating jello (don't laugh at me - I love jello! I think it's an endearing, child-like, and possibly slightly quirky quality!) and have a large mug of mango rooibos tea cooling to just the right temperature nearby.

I'm taking it slow.

I've been awake off and on since 3 am.

I woke at 3 in a deeply prayerful space, and have been in and out of that place for much of the day since.

So I'm having a quiet night. Prayers and writing. Jello and tea. A hot shower, candles, and freshly washed sheets and pajamas. Caring for me, and letting my heart listen and talk with Jesus.

Nights like these are some of my favorites.

Friday

There's a severe winter storm warning in effect and a glance out my window is rapidly explaining why.

To add to the fun, this afternoon we have a staff Christmas "party" that most of the staff don't particularly want to attend. A "party" that is probably 25 km out of town. Perfect. (At least I've wrangled a ride to and from the office to the party - a coworker will drive me to the party and drop me back at the office and my car.)

And then I get to face the afternoon commute in the bad weather, with the added pressure of knowing that I have an appointment that I absolutely must be at, at the opposite end of the city from our office, by 5:30.

Here's hoping the city crews do a decent job on the roads today, and start now, not three hours from now when they're already a disaster.