Rough Couple Days

Yesterday, around 4:00, I got a phone call from my car insurance company.  The car insurance company I just signed up with, when I got a car again.  Two weeks ago.  Yeah, that one.  Seems they reviewed the file, and because of my driving record (three at-fault accidents in the last five years), they needed to increase the premium.  Okay, no big deal.  I'd been expecting my rates would go up.  And then I choked.  Seems they will increase by 5x.  That definitely falls in the category of absolutely not at all financially feasible.  In any world of my finances, fantasy or reality.

I did some calling today, and it's looking like that is going to be the consistent story.  Because I got my license at an age quite a bit older than sixteen, and because of the accidents, the rates are going to be astronomical until one of the accidents is six years in the past (which is about two years away still).  Then they'll come down a little.  Still not great, but a bit.

What that means is that the car that I bought just over two weeks ago most likely needs to be sold, and the freedom I'd cherished is gone again.

In the good moments, I can find positives in this.  It's better for my financial situation.  It's that much more money (from insurance and gas) going to my debt every month, or to savings, or towards rent someplace other than Grandma's basement.  I can still rent a car for the occasional weekend.  It's summer (or will be when the crazy winter storm we're having right now blows over) and that makes walking and busing a much nicer option for the next 4-5 months or so.  I care about the environment and drove an old car that likely wasn't exactly low emissions, now I won't be driving it.  I get built in exercise, walking everywhere.  It gives me lots of thinking and alone time on transit - more fun, now, that I got the iphone.

To be honest, though, choosing to be thankful and joyful, even in this, kind of sucks right now.

My pride feels bruised, a little.  It was already smarting with the move into Grandma's (who moves back in with family at 26?  I've been teased a little for this, by some less than generous friends, and that hasn't helped with my pride), and knowing that I'll now be dependent on others for rides, likely for the next couple of years, is not helping the situation. 

What I'd really like right now is a hug from my mom and time to sob my eyes out.  (I have done my share of crying yesterday and today.)  But my mom is in Phoenix, and part of being a grown up means that I get to own even this.  This is my bad driving record.  It was my choice to put off gettting my driver's license until I was 20.  I'm not a great driver and I know it.  It's part of why I haven't been driving to work since getting this new car.  It stresses me out.  But it stings, and it's mine to own.  All of this is mine.  And I know that.  And I know that even in this I can survive and likely even thrive.

But just in this moment, it really sucks.

It helped a little, to get an email from a dear friend, understanding that this is a loss of a much needed freedom, given my current living situation, and reminding me that it's okay to feel sad

Tomorrow, I'll pick up the pieces and begin making arrangements to cancel the insurance policy and see if my brother is interested in buying my car.

Tonight, I'm going to enjoy driving it to house church for what will probably be the last time. 

And next week, when Mom is home, I'll probably cry on her shoulder a little, too.