Please Don't Ask

The actual move itself went very smoothly.  Very smoothly.  I was so thankful for the help of family and friends who made it such a smooth process.

The transition isn't feeling quite so smooth right now.

My internet wasn't properly connected.  Supposedly it'll be working by late Monday night.  The phone company that is my internet supplier assures me that it's very rare that these kind of problems happen.  Tell that to someone who hasn't had them botch the move of services for three consecutive moves now.

So, I'm borrowing my brother's laptop, and using the internet for a bit at mom and dad's house this afternoon.

Sleep was a pretty fleeting thing last night.  It usually is in a new place, but I've been having sleep issues all week again, and a new place with new noises just made it worse.  The trouble is, that as a rough sleep week drags on, the nightmares sometimes come.  Last night was like that.  I woke about every 20-30 minutes all night, and then capped it off with a nightmare in the early hours of the morning, just before finally waking.

Right now I'm honestly wondering if living at this new place will ever feel like it's my home, or if I'll always feel like a guest there.  And I'm wondering how it will work, living with Grandma.  Every trip upstairs last night - to use the shower, to get a glass of water, necessitated a ten minute conversation.  I've lived there less than twenty-four hours and I'm already feeling like I want to just hide in the basement.  I actually deliberately waited to go upstairs this morning until I was certain that she'd left for church, just because, after a rough night, I wasn't feeling up to her questions and chatter.  I left her house this morning before she was home from church for sort of the same reason.

On the plus side, I did manage to get my clothes at least sorted out this morning.  I know where most of them are, and my basic toiletry items.  So I should be set for the return to work tomorrow.  That, at least is encouraging.

My grandma has apparently told everyone I know about her great excitement that I will be living with her now, and I'm running out of polite and respectful ways to deflect their questions about that when I run into the same people.

Today I'm definitely at, "Please don't ask."

Mish Mash of Saint Quotes

A whole collection of quotes (mostly from the calendar on my desk) that have collected in my inbox over time and were waiting to be shared

"Even if I am tired, even if exhausted, at the end I can find rest on the heart of Jesus." (Saint Bernadette Soubirous)

To pray is to lie in constant, calm, strong, and lasting union with God, to look at everything from God's point of view, and to be so peacefully anchored in eternity that annoyances, unavoidable struggles, and continual activity have no ability to disturb us or to drag us down.  (Servant of God Elisabeth Leseur)

There are moments in life of special importance, such as when the Lord shows us the way to be followed and then leaves it up to our will to respond. (Blessed Margarita de Maturana)


Only in the heart of Jesus do we find the definitive support, deep strength, and total understanding of our soul and its needs that enable us to progress and advance toward him. (Servant of God Elisabeth Leseur)

You, O eternal Trinity, are a deep ocean, into which the more I penetrate, the more I discover, and the more I discover, the more I seek you. (Saint Catherine of Siena)

“I myself am very glad that the divine child was born in a stable, because my soul is very much like a stable, filled with strange unsatisfied longings, with guilt and animal-like impulses, tormented by anxiety, inadequacy and pain. If the holy One could be born in such a place, the One can be born in me also. I am not excluded.” (Morton Kelsey)

The immaculate conception of the Blessed Virgin leads us to realize and adore the omnipotence of God because grace totally vanquished nature in her...The knowledge that God gives us of the immaculate conception of the Blessed Virgin should cause us to glorify him eternally for this masterpiece of his omnipotence in a nature that is purely human. (Saint Louise de Marillac)

You must never ask Jesus to wait. (Saint Ursula Ledochowska)

Advent is the season of the secret, the secret of the growth of Christ, of divine love growing in silence. ...For nine months, Christ grew in his mother's body. By his own will, she formed him from herself, from the simplicity of her daily life. (Caryll Houselander)

We are in Advent. We remember that a woman held in her arms a child, and that child was God. If we remember that, then we are givers of peace, we are lovers of the Beloved. We own him through love. And he owns us! The most extraordinary thing in the world is that God loves you and me! (Catherine de Hueck Doherty)


Whoever surrenders unconditionally to the Lord will be chosen by him as an instrument for building his kingdom. (Saint Teresa Benedicta of the Cross - Edith Stein)

The season of Advent is like springtime in nature, when everything is renewed and so is fresh and healthy. Advent is also meant to do this to us - to refresh us and make us healthy, to be able to receive Christ in whatever form he may come to us. (Blessed Teresa of Calcutta)

Rejoice and be glad that so great and good a Lord, on coming into the Virgin's womb, willed to appear despised, needy, and poor in this world, so that men who were in dire poverty and suffering great need of heavenly food might be made rich in him. (Saint Clare of Assisi)


I am nourished by your will, O mighty one! Your will is the goal of my existence. (Saint Faustina Kowalska)

"We are called to be saints, all of us; do not forget that." (Saint Katharine Drexel)


"Apart from the cross, there is no other ladder by which we may get to heaven." (Saint Rose of Lima)


Be trustful, firmly believing that God always provides for souls who trust in him. Then the devil is powerless because of the power of the trust in God. (Saint Catherine of Siena)

We have no desire other than to glorify God by fulfilling at every moment his divine will. Let's always live with great joy. God is infinite joy. (Saint Teresa of Jesus of the Andes)


My spirit engrossed itself in the benefits that God has lavished on me throughout this whole year. My soul trembled at the sight of the immensity of God's graces. From my soul, there burst forth a hymn of thankgsiving to the Lord... All that this year contained has gone into the abyss of eternity. Nothing is lost. I am glad that nothing gets lost. (Saint Faustina Kowalska)

God is Looking for Intercessors

A while back I was sent the following devotional by Richard Blackaby.  I've hung onto it to share here.

God Is Looking for Intercessors


So I sought for a man among them who would make a wall, and stand in the gap before Me on behalf of the land, that I should not destroy it; but I found no one. (Ezekiel 22:30)

God looks for those whose hearts are prepared to be intercessors before Him. Intercessors have hearts in tune with God's heart. They are so acutely aware of what is at stake, for their land, that they will stay before God as long as necessary in order to obtain God's answer. That is why you do not volunteer to be an intercessor. God enlists you.

Why do we not intercede as we should? Perhaps we are afraid to put God to the test. We worry that God might not answer our prayers. Yet God promises that if we ask, we will receive (Matt. 7:7). We may fail to intercede because we believe the busyness of our everyday lives is more effective than prayer. Jesus warned that apart from Him, we can do nothing (John 15:5). Without being intimately acquainted with God and His will, all of our labors are futile. Perhaps we fail to intercede because we misunderstand the heart of God. Jesus wept over the city of Jerusalem as He interceded for it (Matt. 23:37). If we truly have God's love within us, we will feel compelled to plead with God on behalf of those who face His imminent judgment.

Intercession is a lonely business. There may be many days or even years when there appear to be few results for your labor. Yet intercessors can be the only ones standing between a family and God's judgment, or between an individual or nation and God's wrath.

Daily 5 - Day 198

Today's Daily 5:

1. This is probably going to sound strange to some of you, but the absolute highlight of my day was getting behind the wheel of my grandma's truck a little while ago, and driving it from her house to my apartment.  But not because I was driving her truck.  It's because I drove, at night, for the first time since my accident.  And I was alone while doing it.  And it was pretty much as panickyn as I'd been thinking it might be.  And I drove all the side streets to make it home.  But I'm really proud of myself for managing to do that tonight.
2. Feeling actually really good about how this move is coming together.
3. So grateful for being allowed to take the afternoon off and the time it allowed me tonight to just rest.
4. Thankful for the family members who have been so helpful in making this move smooth.
5. Thinking about the fact that this is the last night in this apartment, and grateful for the seven months we lived here.  After two really brutal years, the last seven months in this place have been a time where I've finally seen healing begin to happen, and for that time I'm so incredibly grateful.

(Daily 5 will hopefully be back tomorrow night if all goes smoothly with the phone company moving the internet.  If not, well, it'll be back once I get the internet stuff sorted out.)

At Rest

At some point in the coming days, I want to write a bit about the process of this move, how it was that I've decided to live in my Grandma's basement at nearly 27 years of age.  I want to talk about the very unique challenges that this move is creating in me.

But for tonight, I'm trying to rest.  I have to go out one more time, a bit later, to pick up my grandma's truck so that it's at my house and ready to be loaded when the people who are helping me move arrive in the morning.

About half way through the morning today I realize that I was pretty much useless at the office thanks to my distraction and fairly high stress level.  After a quick chat with my boss I'd gained permission to take a half a personal day on incredibly short notice.  That meant that the load of stuff I was supposed to move tonight was moved this afternoon, and then I was able to come home, move quickly through the vast majority of what remained for packing tasks, do a few little cleaning things, and now I can rest.

I don't think I can quite express how grateful I am right now for my boss' flexibility this morning.  It's an invaluable thing to me to be able to rest and sit quietly for a bit tonight, reflecting a little, praying a little, and just breathing. 

If you've been around this blog through the last three moves, you know that my struggle with panic tends to greatly intensify in times of massive change - and particular when I'm moving.  I've been so grateful to see a degree of healing in that this time.  Yes, the panic is still lurking close by, but thanks to the help fo friends and family, I think tomorrow will actually be a fairly quick, one, maybe two load process, followed by some cleaning.  My thoughts aren't in overdrive right now (though I am conciously stopping myself from moving, and forcing myself to take advantage of the opportunity to rest.).  The very lack of thought overdrive is a total blessing, and an answer to prayer.

So, for the moment I'm resting, and thankful.