Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 19

Today's Daily 5:

1. House church tonight
2. The challenge of listening for God in a new way via an exercise at house church
3. the smile of a friend
4. organic dried mango
5. grateful today for the intercessor part of my heart... not always, but today, as I prayed for several friends going through various challenges right now, I was grateful for it.

Melancholy Day

This has definitely been the sort of distractable "weird intercessor space" kind of day.

Susan wrote this on her blog this morning, "Strangely, I can be "not okay" and grateful at the same time."  I know how that feels.  Today especially.

A bit of melancholy as I ponder having said another goodbye.  (I know it was inevitable this time, since she was never from here, but what is it with friends of mine being so very far away?)

A bit of fear as I work through some things in regards to my living situation at present.  And as I wonder about boundaries, and how they apply when the person you're trying to set them with is past the age of 80.

A bit of anticipation as I look forward to joining new friends for house church tonight, and one new friend for dinner or coffee beforehand, since she generously offered me a ride.

A bit of sadness and longing as I consider and pray for the concerns of some that are very dear to my heart.  As I long to see healing and rest and restoration brough to fruition in their lives and mine.

And yet, I'm grateful too.

Odd Morning

I'm in odd spaces again this morning.

Weird intercessor space as L and I refer to it.

Thinking about the goodbye I said last night.  The friend I'll miss deeply.  How my current living situation is underscoring just how deeply I'll miss her.

I'm sipping pomegranate green tea (by Yogi).  Because Starbucks recently switched to whole leaf tea, and the new version of my long-time favorite, Passion Tea, just doesn't taste very good anymore.  It costs more, it's weaker and more bitter in taste.  I have several boxes of the old version left.  I stocked up when I heard it might be changing.  But I'm also looking for a replacement for the day that will come, when there's just none of my passion tea left.  So far, I think this pomegrante green tea will work.  And hey, pomegranates and green tea are both supposed to be really good for you, right?

I'm thinking about a very dear friend, facing some hard spaces right now, and praying.

The sermon I listened to on the bus this morning stirred those prayers even more.

I'm thinking about the school at the church that presented the sermon I was listening to.  And wondering if someday, perhaps, I'll spend a year or two there, learning and living this faith thing differently all over again.

I'm dreaming a bit of travel.

I'm trying to set aside a difficult email that a colleague and I received.  Someone who is not our boss sent us instructions on how to do our job.  I'll set it aside.  It's happened before, and certain to happen again.

Thinking about boundaries too.  How do you set boundaries with someone who is 50 years your senior, a family member, and the owner of the house you're living in?  I'm pretty sure Grandma is exploring my room when I'm not there, and that bothers me quite a bit.  So I'm waiting and watching, and trying to figure that one out too.

I'm in odd spaces this morning, and somehow learning and working to be okay with them.

God is Looking for Intercessors

A while back I was sent the following devotional by Richard Blackaby.  I've hung onto it to share here.

God Is Looking for Intercessors


So I sought for a man among them who would make a wall, and stand in the gap before Me on behalf of the land, that I should not destroy it; but I found no one. (Ezekiel 22:30)

God looks for those whose hearts are prepared to be intercessors before Him. Intercessors have hearts in tune with God's heart. They are so acutely aware of what is at stake, for their land, that they will stay before God as long as necessary in order to obtain God's answer. That is why you do not volunteer to be an intercessor. God enlists you.

Why do we not intercede as we should? Perhaps we are afraid to put God to the test. We worry that God might not answer our prayers. Yet God promises that if we ask, we will receive (Matt. 7:7). We may fail to intercede because we believe the busyness of our everyday lives is more effective than prayer. Jesus warned that apart from Him, we can do nothing (John 15:5). Without being intimately acquainted with God and His will, all of our labors are futile. Perhaps we fail to intercede because we misunderstand the heart of God. Jesus wept over the city of Jerusalem as He interceded for it (Matt. 23:37). If we truly have God's love within us, we will feel compelled to plead with God on behalf of those who face His imminent judgment.

Intercession is a lonely business. There may be many days or even years when there appear to be few results for your labor. Yet intercessors can be the only ones standing between a family and God's judgment, or between an individual or nation and God's wrath.

How it goes...

This has been a pretty rough day.

I don't even need to close my eyes to be immediately back in the moment mid-dream that I came awake.

It's there, pushing constantly at the edge of my conciousness, demanding attention.

It's been a long time since I had a "dream" experience of this intensity.  I dream regularly, nearly daily, and the intensity of those has been building again for the last few weeks, but I haven't seen anything like this in quite some time.

It was horrendously dark.

Different, in many ways, from the other dreams of that nature, in that this time I was clearly protected in the midst of it, but I am still deeply disturbed by what I saw.

In some ways it reinforces my need to take great care in what I watch.  Some of what I saw was clearly influenced by a partial documentary on North Korean concentration camps that we watched last week at my house church.  I knew that night that watching was a risk, and decided to make that calculated choice.

I woke praying deeply for the country of North Korea as well.  It's sort of the problem with being incredibly sensitive to visuals and world events, as well as being an intercessor type. 

I can't focus today, with this experience from the wee hours of the morning continually at the edge of my consciousness.  It's there, calling for my attention, and as the day has worn on, my prayers have become more exhausted and frantic.

I remain grateful for the protection that existed this time.  I felt like myself, but a slightly more courageous and protected version of myself, as I moved among the characters and scenes I was witnessing.  Now, at the other end of the day, I still like that version of myself.  I would hope to continue to grow into her, helping those in need, not cowed before evil.  Aware of the dangers of the moment, and moving carefully, but moving nonetheless, rather than frozen.  Drops of cool water for those in need.  In that way, at least, I am challenged by the dream, and grateful for it.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't fearful of going to sleep later tonight, and even fearful of the unpredictability of the house church gathering that I'll attend again today.  Wondering if I will see more things that shift again my experience of the spiritual.  Wondering if I'll close my eyes as my head rests on the pillow tonight, and be back in the middle of the macabre moment in which I woke.  I can witness that.  I have the strength to do so.  But I'd rather find deep rest and peace.

So I find myself praying, slightly desperately, for the darkness that still feels so near to be pushed back from me.  It's an odd prayer, since I am still feeling somewhat protected amidst it, and confident that I will not be harmed.  But it's a prayer of wanting room for breathing - space for light to expand.

That's how it goes right now... I'm grateful today's hours of work are nearly over, and that tomorrow is the last day before a long weekend.  The break will be refreshing, I hope.