Thursday, February 11, 2010

How it goes...

This has been a pretty rough day.

I don't even need to close my eyes to be immediately back in the moment mid-dream that I came awake.

It's there, pushing constantly at the edge of my conciousness, demanding attention.

It's been a long time since I had a "dream" experience of this intensity.  I dream regularly, nearly daily, and the intensity of those has been building again for the last few weeks, but I haven't seen anything like this in quite some time.

It was horrendously dark.

Different, in many ways, from the other dreams of that nature, in that this time I was clearly protected in the midst of it, but I am still deeply disturbed by what I saw.

In some ways it reinforces my need to take great care in what I watch.  Some of what I saw was clearly influenced by a partial documentary on North Korean concentration camps that we watched last week at my house church.  I knew that night that watching was a risk, and decided to make that calculated choice.

I woke praying deeply for the country of North Korea as well.  It's sort of the problem with being incredibly sensitive to visuals and world events, as well as being an intercessor type. 

I can't focus today, with this experience from the wee hours of the morning continually at the edge of my consciousness.  It's there, calling for my attention, and as the day has worn on, my prayers have become more exhausted and frantic.

I remain grateful for the protection that existed this time.  I felt like myself, but a slightly more courageous and protected version of myself, as I moved among the characters and scenes I was witnessing.  Now, at the other end of the day, I still like that version of myself.  I would hope to continue to grow into her, helping those in need, not cowed before evil.  Aware of the dangers of the moment, and moving carefully, but moving nonetheless, rather than frozen.  Drops of cool water for those in need.  In that way, at least, I am challenged by the dream, and grateful for it.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't fearful of going to sleep later tonight, and even fearful of the unpredictability of the house church gathering that I'll attend again today.  Wondering if I will see more things that shift again my experience of the spiritual.  Wondering if I'll close my eyes as my head rests on the pillow tonight, and be back in the middle of the macabre moment in which I woke.  I can witness that.  I have the strength to do so.  But I'd rather find deep rest and peace.

So I find myself praying, slightly desperately, for the darkness that still feels so near to be pushed back from me.  It's an odd prayer, since I am still feeling somewhat protected amidst it, and confident that I will not be harmed.  But it's a prayer of wanting room for breathing - space for light to expand.

That's how it goes right now... I'm grateful today's hours of work are nearly over, and that tomorrow is the last day before a long weekend.  The break will be refreshing, I hope.