A Lovely Prayer

Just at this moment I'm feeling exhausted. Not defeated, exactly, but spent. Working not to dread the draws on my energy that remain ahead of me. Trying to aim for rest and joy and peace.

I read this prayer on the calendar that sits on my desk (a gift from a dear friend that somehow manages to nearly daily challenge or encourage me), and just for a moment, my spirit cried out in agreement:

O my God, fill my soul with holy joy, courage, and strength to serve you. Enkindle your love in me, and then walk with me along the next stretch of road before me. I do not see very far ahead, but when I have arrived where the horizon now closes down, a new prospect will open before me, and I shall meet with peace.
(Saint Teresa Benedicta of the Cross - Edith Stein)

Not quite ready to share...

I started writing a long post this morning on the topics of self-love and rest.

I'll probably finish it eventually, but I'm feeling pretty raw in those areas this week and needing perhaps process for a while longer, alone and with a few dear friends, so I'm going to leave it for now.

This has been a week that has in many ways highlighted failures in some key things in my life right now. I don't think that has been a bad thing - I'm certainly very aware of the areas that are needing my attention in the coming days. But it is a tiring thing, and for me, a constant battle to balance the conviction from God that those things have carried, with the self-condemnation not from God that they have also stirred.

I received a phone call last night from a long time friend that may carry some interesting consequences as well. Perhaps some tiny chance at healing and forgiveness and reconciliation regarding a situation we were both part of at a home church we attended quite a number of years back. I pray there is healing and release for us as things play out, whether or not they also carry reconciliation.

I am attending a prayer conference tonight and all day tomorrow, and right now that is feeling like a colossal risk. I registered on a whim when it was mentioned one night at the church I've been sort of kind of attending for a while now. I knew of the speaker, had heard glowing recommendations of his work from some trusted friends, and felt the prompting to register. Right in this moment, that is scary to me. After this week I'm feeling the need to meet with Jesus deeply, and I believe this conference offers the potential for that. But I'm also afraid - afraid that he won't show up, afraid that he will.

If you're the praying type, I'd appreciate your prayers. This has been a very hard week. Not bad, but hard. Many things coming home deeply to me. And the need to find a way forward amidst that.

Daily 5 - Day 71

In some ways, I'm trying to choose moments to see differently (more joyfully) from all different parts of my day. It would usually be easy (depending a little on the evening) to choose 5 moments from the time after I leave the office each day. Those are usually the best moments of my day. But in this continual push to change ingrained mindsets and patterns of thought, I am trying to find moments to be thankful for even amidst the things I struggle with. I think that makes my daily 5 lists a bit schizophrenic in nature at moments, scattered, even, but it's rather important to me that I find ways to work on seeing differently, and that means the hard stuff, not just the pretty moments.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Feeling, if not at rest, at least relatively calm amidst a huge number of major issues at work today
2. Feeling like I was pretty as I dressed for and went to the concert I worked at/attended tonight
3. Wearing dove earrings
4. Steve Bell in concert - always worth it (plus, fun to catch up with some friends I don't see often, laugh a little, and even collect a few hugs)
   
5. being respected by a friend, who called to ask my permission to share bits of my story in the midst of a challenging situation, and to refer the person to whom he was speaking to me if they wanted further details.
   

Not Really Looking Up

I'm supposed to be learning lessons about resting this week. (More thoughts about that some other time.) My facebook status this morning said something to the effect of "Lisa is going to give the resting thing another try today." It's not going particularly well.

The work challenges I mentioned this morning have gotten larger.

We discovered an error in a major document printing (on our part instead of the printing company, making us responsible) this afternoon. So, I spent an hour meeting with the lady responsible for the document, and my boss, to come up with a solution that costs the least and was approved. The solution means I'll be spending a large chunk of tomorrow morning standing in front of a photocopier at Staples.

It's been a day of a thousand little things. I've been in meetings, and solving problems quite unexpectedly for the entire day. And tomorrow isn't looking better. But at least tomorrow I get to wear jeans to do it. Problems are so much more manageable in jeans.

I am, however, thankfully peaceful in the midst of the crazyness today. Or at least relatively calm. That perhaps, is a small step towards being at rest?

I read this article last night on the effects of insomnia on memory. As someone who's had chronic trouble sleeping for the last 15 years, but has seen it become an increasing challenge in the last two years, I had to laugh. Most days I cope relatively well, but in the last two years I've definitely noticed a decline in my ability to recall details and things I used to be able to remember. I write everything down these days, because if I don't I forget important things. As I said, most days I manage quite well. Today has not been one of those days. I just feel cloudy. The funniest part is, I slept relatively well (for me anyway) last night!

So, I'm going to simply choose to be glad that this insane day is nearly over. And I'm going to enjoy that tonight I'm working at a Steve Bell concert, and will get to enjoy lovely stories and music. That, at least, should be restful and worshipful.

It'll be our fault...

I'm having quite the morning at the office.

Seems it was a quiet week and a half while I was away, and they've saved the last minute drama and tensions for my return.

So. I've spent the morning sorting out strategies to minimize fault.

Because, you see, there is one manager in particular who is unable to admit failings, and invariably finds ways to make things that rest squarely in his court the fault of other departments. Particularly my department.

So, between some of his staff, my boss, and our receptionist and I, we're working on a way to minimize the ways he can find to blame us.

Did I mention how much fun I've been having?