One Year Blogiversary!

One year ago today I wrote my first post on this blog. I started blogging here for a completely mundane reason. James was in Sri Lanka, and his blog didn't allow anonymous comments, so I created a blogger account, and the rest, as they (who are they anyway, and why are they talking about me?) say is history.

I could tell you so many things. But instead, I'm going to just link you to my favorite posts from the past year. For some of them I'll tell you why I picked them, and some of them I'll just let speak for themselves! There are quite a few - it's been a kind of crazy and significant year. So, pick a few and remember with me, or read them all and celebrate with me the incredible changes in my life since last April!

• May 18, 2005 - Disconnect, Crash, and a Jann Arden Song
• May 22, 2005 - Restless
• May 28, 2005 - A Call to Go Deeper - This post asked questions that had been on my heart for quite some time - How could God possibly be calling me to go deeper when I could barely survive in the shallows?
• June 22, 2005 - G. K. Chesterton on Sanity and Reason - Because this quote is one of my favorites of all time.
• July 20, 2005 - Quoting Clive Staples - Because Lewis asks good questions.
• August 12, 2005 - Stumbling Towards Faith - Because this book changed my life, and created a shift that led to a place of eventual healing.
• September 3, 2005 - Relational Highs and Lows
• September 24, 2005 - Stream of Consciousness - Because this was a moment to be marked.
• October 6, 2005 - Angry - Because it took me over a year to admit it, and admitting it was cathartic.
• October 18, 2005 - In That Moment - One of the most poignant moments of the year. A time in which I had no idea what to do, but was simply present. Something I've been thinking about this week because I held the same young woman as she wept at church again last week.
• November 2, 2005 - Those Who Hope in His Steadfast Love.... - The day after God healed my depression, before I even realized it, but simply knew that He had showed up and my life was changing.
• November 23, 2005 - Something Changed...Or I Just Showed Up
• November 30, 2005 - Whispers - Because God was speaking, and creating "vibrant harmonies".
• December 6, 2005 - The Woman's Creed - Because I am learning my value in God's eyes as a woman.
• December 12, 2005 - Practicality
• December 20, 2005 - I'm Done! - Because everyone should celebrate completing university.
• December 29, 2005 - The Silence of a Muddled Mind - Because this is one of the best titles I came up with all year, and because this post really does talk about some things that were very significant. I was "undone" in the words of a friend, and it turned out to be a very good place to live.
• January 4, 2006 - Listening to God is...
• January 24, 2006 - The Things I Need to Say
• February 1, 2006 - On Hold - Because this was a moment of desperation, and because Nolan's comment really encouraged me.
• March 2, 2006 - Mental Health - Because Stuart sent me this link on a day where I desperately needed a laugh!
• March 8, 2006 - The Kingdom Isn't Breaking Through - Because this is where my heart is, this is the place that God is speaking to me.
• March 13, 2006 - From the Ashes - Because it was a breakthrough.
• March 17, 2006 - Looking For Wisdom - Because it continues to be the cry of my heart.

I had a great time this morning, flipping through all the entries from the last year, and picking my favorites. This has been a crazy year, and I'm really glad James' no anonymous comments thing forced me to create my own blog - because if I hadn't, I'm not sure I would have such a strong chronicle of the changes that have happened in my life.

Hope is such a beautiful thing. A year ago, even six months ago I was in a place of praying something along the lines of, "God, release the tiny portion of my heart that you still hold, because I'm done. There is no reason for me to get out of bed in the mornings. There is nothing worth living for." And then, six months ago, God stepped in, and now I pray something along the lines of, "God, my life is open to you. I am yours, do whatever you want." And this new prayer is terrifying, but beautiful. There is an unexplainable, illogical and completely overwhelmingly beautiful hope that defines my life. People and things have tried to minimize it at times over the last months, but it is there and I want to shout from the rooftops the presence, the transforming presence of Jesus!

Love This Quote

I came across these lines from a poem by Gottfried Arnold, a radical eighteenth century pietist, as I was flipping through a textbook of pietist writings tonight. And they made me smile, because they have reflected things I have often felt of late.

The power of the Cross has made me a fool.
I marvel that men do not laugh in my face.

Things that Made Me Smile Today

• Chocolate Creme Oreos.
• Sitting in the sunshine on the front steps of my house, letting the sun bake my bare feet.
• Finishing a good novel.
• Finishing a non-fiction book - I buy a lot of these, and usually read 1/3 to 2/3 of them, before they get set aside in favor of a novel or the latest non-fiction purchase.
• An invitation for Vietnamese food for dinner with my mom and brother.
• A sleep last night that was restful instead of restless.
• Pasta salad for lunch. Homemade - the only thing that would have made it better was if we had had white pasta available instead of the slightly heavier whole wheat pasta.
• The public library actually having in stock a slightly obscure book that I've heard a lot about lately.
• A couple of different sermons by Donald Miller that I downloaded from here.
• The fact that the same church has an extensive sermon series on "The Kingdom of God" which I am hoping will clarify some things that I have been thinking about lately.

There were also a couple of cartoons that made me smile when I came across them in some notebooks where I keep these kinds of things that make me smile.

The first one has two characters. The first person says to the second person, "The problem with today's world is too much freedom. We need less freedom so we Christians can put an end to all the things we don't agree with. Who asked for a free society, anyhow?" The second person replies, "The church. We wanted to worship as we please without being persecuted." The first person looks disgruntled and responds, "Oh... there's nothing like a little historical perspective to ruin a good tirade." I love this. Of course, I am a history major, with an ironic sense of humor.

The next cartoon has two characters again, a child and an adult. The child says, "The pastor told our class that if we study our Bibles, we might grow up to be a minister like him. He also told us how much he makes, how many hours he puts in, and how much he's appreciated by the congregation." The adult then asks, "So what did we learn?" and the child replies, "Never go near a Bible!" Again - the pastor's kid in me couldn't resist the humor in this kind of statement.

There have been other things, but these are the main ones that made me smile. These, and plans to relax and watch television or a movie after dinner, preferably while wrapped cozily in the best throw blanket ever - a blanket that is basically a cable-knit sweater, but not a sweater, a blanket. And then, I've got writing to do - either a piece I'm tentatively calling "Who is this Jesus?" or continued research and work on some stuff on redemption that I'm pulling together. These are the ingredients to a good evening - especially when the dinner that kicks it off is Vietnamese food.

Slightly Fevered Quiet

I have had an interesting couple of days.

I spent Monday with two friends from YWAM Calgary that I met on the trip to Mexico - my "twin" (Sara) and Miriam. (Ironically enough, while sitting in a coffee shop in Mackenzie Townes with Sara and a couple other friends, someone who knew the other three, but not me came in and asked Sara if I was her sister. We laughed pretty hard over that one! Mexico all over again. "You'd really never even met before this trip? You're sure you're not sisters?") So much fun, relaxing, doing some shopping, and sitting in a coffee shop sharing life. I am grateful for new friends in my life right now.

Yesterday was also a unique day, that I can't really say a lot about. I did something I've needed to do for a while, something that God confirmed in Mexico, but that was very scary and difficult for me. I faced a situation that is hard, and spoke my heart, and the things I felt God was speaking.

Today, I am ill. I was going to spend the evening hanging out with my mom at a movie, but wasn't feeling that well, checked my temperature at dinnertime and discovered a 101.3 degree Fahrenheit fever. Nothing brilliant, just another cold and sore throat. This is what happens when you're sick for five months. You have no immune system left and spend a lot of time catching every bug that goes around.

So I'm blaming my slightly muddled state of mind on the fever (although it probably has more to do with the emotionally, relationally, and spiritually charged nature of the last four or five days!) And here's to hoping I'll be better tomorrow - I'm writing a really great piece on redemption, and I want to work on it and put it here, as well as the very basic fact that I need to spend some time job hunting.

Last Night

Last night was a study in interesting moments.

Within minutes of the service starting, the first worship song or two, the friend sitting on my right broke down and began to weep. I'd known from the five word conversation we'd exchanged that things weren't going that well, but this was unexpected. So, for the entire service, I held her. I wrapped my arms around her, did my best to continue focusing on the service while also monitoring her needs, and whether God was speaking to me for her.

As the service drew to a close, first a few, and then a number of our friends gathered around her and began to pray. To be honest, other than a long-needed release of emotions, I'm not sure that much was accomplished. I don't feel that we were that successful in battling the things going on in the spiritual in her life - and they are many. I suspect that this will be a long and on-going battle. If you have a moment, pray for my friend. Her spirit is broken right now and she is wrestling heavily with life and with God. The greatest failures seem to come on the heels of the greatest victories, and it is hard in those moments to remember the victories and rest in them, rather than condemning yourself for the failures.

After the service, I headed out to Earls with another good friend. I could tell there was stuff going on in her life, I wasn't ready to go home yet, so I invited her to go for "coffee" which we turned into dinner for me and dessert for her. God is doing some cool things in her life, but it had been a really rough week, and she was exhausted. Plus, the new things God is doing are scaring her - because she's beginning to hear His voice, and that's weird when you come from a conservative baptist church! I was so grateful for the chance to sit with her, to hear what's genuinely going on in her life, to speak encouragement from my own experiences as I too have begun to hear God's voice, and then to walk back to my car, encourage her to climb in, and spend time praying with and for her.

It was a strange night - a series of snapshots that seem disconnected somehow. Two friends announcing that they've begun dating, dinner with my friend, holding a weeping young woman through an entire worship service, and then praying for her for at least an hour afterwards. But I think it might have been good. I came home exhausted emotionally, and have a busy day planned for today, and again for tomorrow, but I think it was good.