- 1 year, 75 days of making daily 5 lists
- This website "I Need Help" totally made me laugh today. My favorite so far was "Help, I suffer from Ennui." Try it!
- frost on the grass looking beautiful and delicate this morning
- having a plan for the day
- toast with butter and jam
- pomegranate green tea
- laughing at a facebook status
- escapist television
- being thankful for flexibility on the other end of an awkward phone call I had to make
- a truly funny text message exchange with my friend H.
- being encouraged by blog comments
- egg rolls and mozza sticks
- pajama day
- warm blankets to curl up under
- a day of rest
Friday, October 29, 2010
Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 75
Today's Daily 5:
Pajama Day
After the slightly rough start to my morning I decided to emerge from bed.
It turned out that simply giving myself permission to stay in bed was all I needed, and when I spotted the sunshine, a new plan formed.
The other day Hope made a comment in a blog post about liking to clean in her pajamas.
This morning, as I pondered the day ahead of me, I remembered that comment and inspiration hit.
I declared it a pajama day.
I made a list of things that either could or should be done today - some household stuff, and a lot of self-care stuff, and decided that I would do some or all of it, but that I was not changing out of my pajamas.
I recommend this as a way to spend a day.
And, to be honest, I didn't do much on my list. Mostly I rested. I got up and did a few things here and there, but mostly, escapist television, and tea and resting.
And I recommend it as a way to spend a day.
I needed this day.
A pajama day.
And I plan to continue resting, watching escapist television, and maybe doing a few little tasks here and there through the evening.
Oh, and praying. I have some time set aside later to pray for some specific people, events and things.
It's been a good day. (And it's been a while since I could say that, so it's really nice to say it today.)
It turned out that simply giving myself permission to stay in bed was all I needed, and when I spotted the sunshine, a new plan formed.
The other day Hope made a comment in a blog post about liking to clean in her pajamas.
This morning, as I pondered the day ahead of me, I remembered that comment and inspiration hit.
I declared it a pajama day.
I made a list of things that either could or should be done today - some household stuff, and a lot of self-care stuff, and decided that I would do some or all of it, but that I was not changing out of my pajamas.
I recommend this as a way to spend a day.
And, to be honest, I didn't do much on my list. Mostly I rested. I got up and did a few things here and there, but mostly, escapist television, and tea and resting.
And I recommend it as a way to spend a day.
I needed this day.
A pajama day.
And I plan to continue resting, watching escapist television, and maybe doing a few little tasks here and there through the evening.
Oh, and praying. I have some time set aside later to pray for some specific people, events and things.
It's been a good day. (And it's been a while since I could say that, so it's really nice to say it today.)
Hiding Out, or Burrowing In
I'm in bed.
I might just stay here all day.
Curled up and insulated from the outside world.
No world gearing up for halloween.
No walking by the house near the train station that has seen fit to include severed limbs in their flower beds.
"Decorations," you know.
For me, they're actually quite literally the stuff of nightmares, those severed limbs.
It's not my favorite "holiday" - can you tell?
Maybe I'm overly sensitive, or maybe I thought this year would be different.
I've been taking baby steps, trying to sort out which reactions are simply fear, and which come from an incredible sensitivity to things spiritual.
I've made progress. Done things I wouldn't have done a year ago, and enjoyed them.
But nope, this is still something I'm overly sensitive to.
And quite frankly, it makes me want to burrow deeper into my bed and just stay here until Monday comes.
It's ironic, that the one big "moment with God" that I celebrate each year falls on November 1st. All Souls Day.
The day after Halloween.
And that every year, the days leading up to that anniversary of my healing from depression are filled with nightmares and avoiding images on the streets, on television, and everywhere, of the things that often occupy my nightmares. They're filled with this feeling of wanting to curl up in a hole and pull blankets over me and hide.
Can I use the word "oppression" without someone freaking out and calling me an over-sensitive Christian?
And so I'm hanging on until Monday.
Today I'm going to hang out at home.
Tomorrow I have a few appointments to attend.
Sunday I think I'll go to dad's church, since my baby brother is preaching.
And then I'll hole up, turn out the lights in the house, and let the evening pass.
And on Monday, on Monday I'm going to celebrate healing. 5 years of it.
I'm just going to burrow in until then.
To fight hard for good days, and to push back the darkness that becomes heavy, threatening, and overwhelming at this time of year.
I'll fight for it, because it's worth it. Because I'm worth it.
And Monday I'm going to celebrate!
I might just stay here all day.
Curled up and insulated from the outside world.
No world gearing up for halloween.
No walking by the house near the train station that has seen fit to include severed limbs in their flower beds.
"Decorations," you know.
For me, they're actually quite literally the stuff of nightmares, those severed limbs.
It's not my favorite "holiday" - can you tell?
Maybe I'm overly sensitive, or maybe I thought this year would be different.
I've been taking baby steps, trying to sort out which reactions are simply fear, and which come from an incredible sensitivity to things spiritual.
I've made progress. Done things I wouldn't have done a year ago, and enjoyed them.
But nope, this is still something I'm overly sensitive to.
And quite frankly, it makes me want to burrow deeper into my bed and just stay here until Monday comes.
It's ironic, that the one big "moment with God" that I celebrate each year falls on November 1st. All Souls Day.
The day after Halloween.
And that every year, the days leading up to that anniversary of my healing from depression are filled with nightmares and avoiding images on the streets, on television, and everywhere, of the things that often occupy my nightmares. They're filled with this feeling of wanting to curl up in a hole and pull blankets over me and hide.
Can I use the word "oppression" without someone freaking out and calling me an over-sensitive Christian?
And so I'm hanging on until Monday.
Today I'm going to hang out at home.
Tomorrow I have a few appointments to attend.
Sunday I think I'll go to dad's church, since my baby brother is preaching.
And then I'll hole up, turn out the lights in the house, and let the evening pass.
And on Monday, on Monday I'm going to celebrate healing. 5 years of it.
I'm just going to burrow in until then.
To fight hard for good days, and to push back the darkness that becomes heavy, threatening, and overwhelming at this time of year.
I'll fight for it, because it's worth it. Because I'm worth it.
And Monday I'm going to celebrate!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 74
Today's Daily 5:
- Getting in and out of an early morning downtown appointment quickly and easily
- the new experience of being inside the American consulate here in Calgary
- staying at mom and dad's, meaning that when a second unplanned trip downtown became necessary, it wasn't a several hours long endeavour.
- eating leftovers from the lunch a friend treated me to yesterday for lunch today
- nachos as a snack at house church
- playing with baby M.
- great discussion, and seeing the house church group really come together and get interested as we've embarked on a new study together
- a long hot shower on a cold day, knowing no one is timing it, no one is worried about the water bill, and I could just stand there until I really relaxed
- a hot mug of tea
- listening to a sermon on the bus.
How You Doin'?
I watched a re-run of Friends yesterday, an old episode where Joey is coaching Rachel on how to ask a member of the opposite sex for a date. His advice was something along the lines of "I just look a girl up and down and go 'How you doin'?'"
I laughed at it yesterday and thought of it today when a friend sent an email asking how I was.
I replied honestly that it has been a "mostly okay" day.
A few minutes after I replied I got a phone call that heightened an uncertainty, a "don't borrow trouble" moment that I'd been working hard to set aside.
And it reminded that this is my reality too.
That right now, even the good, or "mostly okay" days, have the potential to become unbalanced in moments.
I preface any conversation that has even the potential to be emotional (positively or not so much) these days with "Everything makes me cry right now, just ignore the tears."
I've discovered that when that downward swing hits, sometimes it lasts and sometimes I can corral it back into submission.
I've learned that exercising just as that swing hits can sometimes lead to successful corralling of it. It just means I have to push through the onslaught of the downward swinging mood, and the fact that I hate to exercise. Even yoga. I rarely regret the exercise once I've done it, but I wouldn't ever say I enjoyed it (unless we're talking about say, a day walking all over a zoo, or a theme park, or the city with friends).
And I'm learning to trust that this weird emotional place I'm existing in won't last forever. That as I heal and piece my life together again, it will pass. And in the meantime, don't mind me - everything makes me cry these days!
I laughed at it yesterday and thought of it today when a friend sent an email asking how I was.
I replied honestly that it has been a "mostly okay" day.
A few minutes after I replied I got a phone call that heightened an uncertainty, a "don't borrow trouble" moment that I'd been working hard to set aside.
And it reminded that this is my reality too.
That right now, even the good, or "mostly okay" days, have the potential to become unbalanced in moments.
I preface any conversation that has even the potential to be emotional (positively or not so much) these days with "Everything makes me cry right now, just ignore the tears."
I've discovered that when that downward swing hits, sometimes it lasts and sometimes I can corral it back into submission.
I've learned that exercising just as that swing hits can sometimes lead to successful corralling of it. It just means I have to push through the onslaught of the downward swinging mood, and the fact that I hate to exercise. Even yoga. I rarely regret the exercise once I've done it, but I wouldn't ever say I enjoyed it (unless we're talking about say, a day walking all over a zoo, or a theme park, or the city with friends).
And I'm learning to trust that this weird emotional place I'm existing in won't last forever. That as I heal and piece my life together again, it will pass. And in the meantime, don't mind me - everything makes me cry these days!
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