Friday, October 29, 2010

Hiding Out, or Burrowing In

I'm in bed.

I might just stay here all day.

Curled up and insulated from the outside world.

No world gearing up for halloween.

No walking by the house near the train station that has seen fit to include severed limbs in their flower beds.

"Decorations," you know.

For me, they're actually quite literally the stuff of nightmares, those severed limbs.

It's not my favorite "holiday" - can you tell?

Maybe I'm overly sensitive, or maybe I thought this year would be different.

I've been taking baby steps, trying to sort out which reactions are simply fear, and which come from an incredible sensitivity to things spiritual.

I've made progress.  Done things I wouldn't have done a year ago, and enjoyed them.

But nope, this is still something I'm overly sensitive to.

And quite frankly, it makes me want to burrow deeper into my bed and just stay here until Monday comes.

It's ironic, that the one big "moment with God" that I celebrate each year falls on November 1st.  All Souls Day.

The day after Halloween.

And that every year, the days leading up to that anniversary of my healing from depression are filled with nightmares and avoiding images on the streets, on television, and everywhere, of the things that often occupy my nightmares. They're filled with this feeling of wanting to curl up in a hole and pull blankets over me and hide.

Can I use the word "oppression" without someone freaking out and calling me an over-sensitive Christian?

And so I'm hanging on until Monday.

Today I'm going to hang out at home.

Tomorrow I have a few appointments to attend.

Sunday I think I'll go to dad's church, since my baby brother is preaching.

And then I'll hole up, turn out the lights in the house, and let the evening pass.

And on Monday, on Monday I'm going to celebrate healing.  5 years of it.

I'm just going to burrow in until then.

To fight hard for good days, and to push back the darkness that becomes heavy, threatening, and overwhelming at this time of year.

I'll fight for it, because it's worth it.  Because I'm worth it.

And Monday I'm going to celebrate!

10 comments:

Susan said...

celebrate - you ARE worth it.

Just Be Real said...

((((Lisa))))

Kristy said...

I'm with you. I don't remember being this grossed out about halloween when I was a kid, but I am with ya' now. I will take my kids to some "safe" places, but they really are impacted with, like you said, visions of the "severed limbs".

Lisa said...

Thanks ladies! It's been a pretty good day :)

tea said...

I don't like halloween either. The day, to me, is just filled with a bunch of darkness. I know it's "all in the name of fun," but I don't like it anymore.

I hope you are able to enjoy these next few days and stay sheltered from those bad images. I'm so happy for you, celebrating your special 5 years of healing anniversary with God. That is a wonderful and amazing thing!!

Lisa said...

Tea - yep, I'm with you on halloween... nothing too fun about it.

and yes! I'm so excited to celebrate 5 years :) It is pretty wonderful!

christianne said...

Hi Lisa,

First I'll say it's very nice to meet you. :)

I've read through a number of posts on your blog and think you and I could really enjoy one another's company if we were to ever meet in real life. The things you list on your "Daily 5" lists are the sorts of things I love, too ... and the way you've been responding to the "grey days" and sadnesses of late ... well, they're so akin to the way I cope with those things, too.

I'm glad you said hi today so that I could discover you.

I chose to comment on this post in particular for two reasons:

1. You mention a healing that happened 5 years ago on the anniversary of All Souls Day ... I'd love to learn more about this part of your story. Perhaps I will learn more if I dig around in your archives? :)

2. I am not a fan of Halloween either! In fact, just tonight on Facebook I confessed it publicly. I said something along the lines of, "I'm such a Halloween grinch. Instead of passing out candy, I hole up in my bedroom with all the lights off and watch To Kill a Mockingbird."

I'm like you ... I've become increasingly sensitive to this holiday in the last couple years. I was just telling Kirk today that it feels weird ... that I'm not sure where this increased sensitivity came from ... that it's not like anything specifically bad happened to make me dislike Halloween so increasingly so. He had a perceptive insight: "It's because you have a sensitive spirit, and your spirit keeps growing more sensitive with each passing year as you keep tuning in more and more in maturity."

Wow.

Seems similar to some of the things you've said here about having a sensitive spirit. And I feel connected to you in this regard, too, given the "tender heart" post you commented on today on my blog.

Much care to you, new friend!

xoxo,
Christianne

Lisa said...

Hi Christianne!

It's lovely to meet you too :)

And how fun that we seem to have similar tastes. I recently met a friend in person that I'd met via my blog, and it was great fun to add that "in person" experience to this funny written world.

You will find more about the healing story if you dig in the archives. I think I've written about it every year on November 1st for the last 4. And on November 2nd the day after it happened. And I'm sure I'll write about it again on Monday. But, I'll save you the digging, and give you this link - I think it's probably the best piece I've written on that subject :)

http://ofalltheliars.blogspot.com/2009/11/remembering-healing.html

And yep - I just can't do the halloween thing. It makes me cringe. And tomorrow night will find me at home with the lights out (unless I happen to get a better "safe" offer). And I'd agree - I don't have a specifically bad experience - just a spirit very sensitive to good and evil, and one that cringes at the glorification of evil. I love your husband's insight though.

Some days, I have to admit, that I'd give just about anything to be a little less sensitive, and a little more "normal". To not have to take great care in what I read and watch and experience because of that sensitivity. But most days, most days I'm grateful for a heart that is sensitive to the Spirit of God, and one that I hope is being continually shaped and formed by His Spirit into something tender and new and different.

I'm so glad you stopped by.

hugs and prayers (my two favorite offerings to friends) to you tonight new friend!

Lisa

christianne said...

Thanks for your response, Lisa. I felt a little silly after I posted my comment last night because I didn't realize it was SO LONG! :)

There's something about the costume aspect of Halloween that has always bothered me, too. I don't like dressing up, and I tend to have a pretty visceral reaction to other people in costumes. Lately I've been realizing it probably has something to do with people going to great lengths to become something they aren't.

This probably taps into the part of me that values authenticity so much and getting to know the deep-down truth of my own heart, plus valuing that same process for other people. I don't know. That seems to resonate a bit.

Thanks for sharing the link to your healing post. I'm going to read it now and learn more of your journey and heart along the way.

Love to you on this more sensitive of days,
Christianne

Lisa said...

I love long comments :)

And yes! the costume thing and hiding identity, or becoming something one is not is a huge point for halloween too!

love back to your also sensitive heart on this particular day :)

Lisa