Reformation Day

The church history geek in me much prefers to acknowledge reformation day than halloween on the 31st of October.  That said, this year, on the day when so many people are acknowledging one of these two "festivals", it occurs to me that neither is particularly in the spirit of where my heart is at.  On this day before one of the most significant anniversaries of my faith journey, I am pondering these two festivals, and reflecting on the places in my heart that thoughts of them are touching.

I don't like halloween.  There's something about a holiday that demands the use of costumes and masks to disguise oneself, and seems to embrace the imitation of evil that just doesn't do it for me.  This year I'm thinking particularly about the use of masks and costuming.  After spending the vast majority of workday on Friday listening and observing as two coworkers planned, shopped for, and then tried on their costumes for a Saturday night party, I am struck by the need to hide one's identity.  What sort of day requires the putting on of masks?  The hiding of who one is, and assuming an alternate identity.  There is something about this that seems beyond the child's play and fun the world seems to preach.  For me, it's simply this - when I have fought so long to find an place of joy and comfort within my own skin, why would I choose to embrace another identity, and particularly one that is evil?

And then there's Reformation Day.  Martin Luther nailed 95 Theses to a church door in Wittenburg, and the world changed.  In the past I've written posts about Reformation day, seeing it not so much as a reminder of the splintering of church factions, but as a reminder of the need to be constantly re-formed.  To be constantly open to being made new.  I still think about that.  I've thought about it a lot in this year where my One Little Word is "heal".

But this year I'm thinking too about the splintering.  I've seen much splintering of friendships that I'd thought were permanent over the past years, and it's nothing in comparison to the splintering set off by Luther's act.  And while I'm a member of a protestant church, in faith somewhat a daughter of Luther's act, this splintering grieves my heart deeply.

I am one who has spent a chunk of this year realizing that my heart loves deeply, and once it loves, is intensely loyal.  If you have found space within my heart, I will welcome you openly.  And yet, I've learned that at times that loyalty breaks me.  And so, today, I find myself thinking of the shattered body of Christ called the church, and grieving just a little that we would celebrate this day.  Mark it?  Yes, I think it's one that needs to be remembered, but celebrated?  No.  I am reminded again of a passage I've prayed often over the last years, as I've experienced some of those shattered relationships.  The words of Jesus, praying shortly before the crucifixion, "I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one - as you are in me, Father, and I am in you.  And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me...May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me."

So, October 31st.  I'm thinking about another Monday, October 31st, six years ago.  About how the events of that night led into the following day, and ultimately changed my life.  I'm thinking about the journey of the last six years, and coming from a place of not wanting to wear a mask, but not being comfortable without one to a place of celebrating the work of reforming that Jesus has done within me to make me more wholly present with Him, in my own unique role created for me by Him.  And I'm thinking about celebrating the process of being healed, of being made new, acknowledging that there are times that this process causes pain and splintering, and that my heart remains heavy to pray for unity - for the healed wholeness of my own spirit, and for the healed wholeness of Christ's body here on earth.

Re-formation

It's time for the post I seem to write every year on October 31st.
The "I celebrate Reformation Day and not Halloween" post.

So, let me start here - last year a friend of mine who is Catholic informed me that she really didn't appreciate Reformation Day any more than Halloween.  I believe her reasoning was something along the lines of "why celebrate the beginning of truly incredible schisms and disunity in the body of Christ?"

Fair enough.

To be honest, I think that's maybe a good point.

But it's not so much the great schism that I think about on this day, but the idea of being reformed.  Re. Formed.

Made again.

Made new.

This year especially, after all of the changes that have come, after finding my life entirely deconstructed and myself duckless, I am enamored with the idea of being re-formed and made new.

I think about this every year on the eve of my healing anniversary anyway.  Because if there was ever a day that was one of reformation, that day was it.

So today I'm thinking about being made new again.  It's not a new theme, really.  The idea of rebirth, of practicing resurrection has been coming up constantly for the last few weeks.  And I'm pausing today to think about it.

That said, the history geek in me thoroughly enjoyed hearing my baby brother preach on the reformation, and being people of the book and being made new this morning.  I don't often go to dad's church on Sunday mornings these days, but I did today, to hear my brother speak.  The part of my heart that loves the universal church, the Catholic church, celebrated that he didn't focus on the schism, but challenged the congregation to ponder whether they were still being reformed by their time in the scriptures.

The part of me that is a history geek, and spent four years getting a degree in church history, focused primarily on the church in the reformation period, though, had to laugh when he stopped by this afternoon and made sure to show me a funny youtube video on the reformation that he had come across while researching for his sermon this week.

And so, as I pause to consider being made new, I'm also laughing at this humorous retelling of history in polka form.



I don't really "celebrate" reformation day any more than halloween.  But I do want to continue to stop and ask Jesus to be making me new.

Hiding Out, or Burrowing In

I'm in bed.

I might just stay here all day.

Curled up and insulated from the outside world.

No world gearing up for halloween.

No walking by the house near the train station that has seen fit to include severed limbs in their flower beds.

"Decorations," you know.

For me, they're actually quite literally the stuff of nightmares, those severed limbs.

It's not my favorite "holiday" - can you tell?

Maybe I'm overly sensitive, or maybe I thought this year would be different.

I've been taking baby steps, trying to sort out which reactions are simply fear, and which come from an incredible sensitivity to things spiritual.

I've made progress.  Done things I wouldn't have done a year ago, and enjoyed them.

But nope, this is still something I'm overly sensitive to.

And quite frankly, it makes me want to burrow deeper into my bed and just stay here until Monday comes.

It's ironic, that the one big "moment with God" that I celebrate each year falls on November 1st.  All Souls Day.

The day after Halloween.

And that every year, the days leading up to that anniversary of my healing from depression are filled with nightmares and avoiding images on the streets, on television, and everywhere, of the things that often occupy my nightmares. They're filled with this feeling of wanting to curl up in a hole and pull blankets over me and hide.

Can I use the word "oppression" without someone freaking out and calling me an over-sensitive Christian?

And so I'm hanging on until Monday.

Today I'm going to hang out at home.

Tomorrow I have a few appointments to attend.

Sunday I think I'll go to dad's church, since my baby brother is preaching.

And then I'll hole up, turn out the lights in the house, and let the evening pass.

And on Monday, on Monday I'm going to celebrate healing.  5 years of it.

I'm just going to burrow in until then.

To fight hard for good days, and to push back the darkness that becomes heavy, threatening, and overwhelming at this time of year.

I'll fight for it, because it's worth it.  Because I'm worth it.

And Monday I'm going to celebrate!