Daily 5 - Day 7

Today's 5 things:

1. Leftover mexican food for dinner.
2. a short phone call that left me slightly encouraged
3. having time to shower in between work and going out for the evening (not necessary, but refreshing after a difficult day)
4. a gift of a Jewish calendar that my roommate purchased for me on the weekend because she knew I'd really appreciate it.
   
5. our temporary receptionist volunteering to stay a bit longer than usual to cover the phones so I could have at least a bit of a lunch break.

I'm pretty tired, and I've had two very people and challenge filled days in a row. I think I'm off to curl up in bed, do some devotions, and then just fall asleep watching a dvd. I'm loving the fact that it's raining a bit again lately. The rain at least, is quite comforting. And I'm grateful that there is absolutely no particular reason for me to be up late tonight. Devotions, and then sleep. That's what I'm hoping for.

Holy Cannoli (Redux)

This has been an absolutely nutty day.

An all over the place roller-coaster, and there's still two and a half hours of work left, followed by an evening with a friend.

My g-chat status right now reads, "Breathe. Exclaim "Holy Cannoli!" Laugh at the ridiculous exclamation. Breathe again, and get back at it with a smile."

I think I need to add, "eat chocolate" before the bit about breathing again - it'll help with the smile.

And with that, I'm off to follow my own advice - find some chocolate, take another deep breath, and dive back in.

Challenging Morning

My "official" work day is not quite half an hour old, and I'm already having a challenging morning.

I've had a conversation in semi-official capacity, needing to encourage a particular (very new) staff member to stick it out. There was frustration over interaction with another staff member, and I needed to hold my own thoughts about that staff member in check, while communicating to the staff member I was talking to that there are definitely ways to work around the things that were discouraging her and causing her stress.

And then, then I got to deal with a lecture. Somewhat deserved I suppose. The way I responded to a particular question last night (though certainly unintentional) probably didn't present the best image to the person I was responding to, or to the client he was conversing with. So, I apologized, and I'll work on that in the future. But, at the same time, that moment underscored a far larger communication problem which the person lecturing me continually refuses to acknowledge.

So, I'm starting the day off already feeling frustrated. Which is making life more challenging these days, since I'm making a colossal effort to encounter life in a more joyful and positive manner.

It probably doesn't help that after a fantastic weekend, I found yesterday at the office to be particularly challenging in that regard. There are good reasons that my roommate has taken to referring to my place of employment as "The Soap Opera", and to some extent, those reasons were out in full force yesterday. It didn't help that because the staff person who usually covers my lunch breaks is away for a couple of days, there is really no one to replace her, and I essentially ended up working through my lunch hour yesterday as well (and probably will again today). I was definitely less than excited about the prospect of getting out of bed this morning and returning to the tensions of the office.

I went out for a very enjoyable dinner with a long-time friend last night, and ended up arriving home at exactly the same time as my roommate. We sat in the living room talking, and I found myself so exhausted from the day - from the challenges at work, from the various interactions with people, and from the colossal effort to not agree with all of the negative "voices" that habitually stir within me that I was once again in tears. My roommate has, thankfully, been very patient this summer as tears have continually spilled over. At least last night's stemmed mostly from exhaustion, and perhaps, just a little bit of discouragement over how difficult I'm finding this current challenge to make different choices.

So. I just had a telephone conversation that helped. I'm not feeling totally incompetent in my job. I'll watch the way I express myself.

And I'll remember that I had a really lovely and peaceful morning commute, listening to a sermon that eased my heart and reminded me that God is with me and will give strength even for these things that seem so disastrously hard. I'll sip tea. I'll choose to anticipate that my coworker (and friend with whom I vent a little to blow off the frustrations of the office) returns tomorrow. I'll play music that causes my heart to focus on all the beautiful (if challenging and hard) things that Jesus is doing in my heart right now. And I'll plan to play a good, encouraging, we believe in miracles, sort of charismatic sermon driving home again. Because by that time, I'll probably need it.

Daily 5 - Day 6

Today was a much more challenging day. Very hard to find the positive things. Very hard to find smiles and joy. And very, very long. So, instead of having time to write about yesterday, or taking time to write about today, I'm going to put both of those things off for another day or two, and go to bed.

But, first, today's daily 5:

1. Blackberries from the farmer's market
2. Mexican food for dinner
3. the company of a long time friend and lots of laughs
4. listening to a sermon driving home, while desperately in need of some encouragement and finding it there
5. wearing "hope" that a friend mailed to me recently around my neck all day (and receiving a few compliments on it, and the earrings that match it.)
   

Several from Henri

It's been a little while since I've shared from Henri Nouwen, but here are a few that I've been storing up in my inbox.

Keeping the Peace in Our Hearts

Whatever we do in the Name of Jesus, we must always keep the peace of Jesus in our hearts. When Jesus sends his disciples out to preach the Gospel, he says: "Whatever town or village you go into, seek out someone worthy and stay with him until you leave. As you enter his house, salute it, and if the house deserves it, may your peace come upon it; if it does not, may your peace come back to you" (Matthew 10:11-13).

The great temptation is to let people take our peace away. This happens whenever we become angry, hostile, bitter, spiteful, manipulative, or vengeful when others do not respond favourably to the good news we bring to them.

Hiddenness, a Place of Intimacy

Hiddenness is an essential quality of the spiritual life. Solitude, silence, ordinary tasks, being with people without great agendas, sleeping, eating, working, playing ... all of that without being different from others, that is the life that Jesus lived and the life he asks us to live. It is in hiddenness that we, like Jesus, can increase "in wisdom, in stature, and in favour with God and with people" (Luke 2:51). It is in hiddenness that we can find a true intimacy with God and a true love for people.

Even during his active ministry, Jesus continued to return to hidden places to be alone with God. If we don't have a hidden life with God, our public life for God cannot bear fruit.

Hiddenness, a Place of Purification

One of the reasons that hiddenness is such an important aspect of the spiritual life is that it keeps us focused on God. In hiddenness we do not receive human acclamation, admiration, support, or encouragement. In hiddenness we have to go to God with our sorrows and joys and trust that God will give us what we most need.

In our society we are inclined to avoid hiddenness. We want to be seen and acknowledged. We want to be useful to others and influence the course of events. But as we become visible and popular, we quickly grow dependent on people and their responses and easily lose touch with God, the true source of our being. Hiddenness is the place of purification. In hiddenness we find our true selves.

Clinging to God in Solitude

When we enter into solitude to be with God alone, we quickly discover how dependent we are. Without the many distractions of our daily lives, we feel anxious and tense. When nobody speaks to us, calls on us, or needs our help, we start feeling like nobodies. Then we begin wondering whether we are useful, valuable, and significant. Our tendency is to leave this fearful solitude quickly and get busy again to reassure ourselves that we are "somebodies." But that is a temptation, because what makes us somebodies is not other people's responses to us but God's eternal love for us.

To claim the truth of ourselves we have to cling to our God in solitude as to the One who makes us who we are.