Reading Update

A quick update on the progress I'm making on my goal to read (or listen to an unabridged audio version) at least one non-fiction book a month.

This week I finished a book of essays on faith and life.  Titled "The Best Catholic Writing 2004", it was a good read, though some essays were definitely slower than others, and, because of the time frame in which the book was compiled, at the height of the abuse scandals that rocked the church, the book was a bit heavy on content dealing with that scandal, and the way forward for the church.

I also finished listening to the audio book I've been listening to for the last couple of weeks.  Titled "Traveling with Pomegranates" by Sue Monk Kidd and Anne Kidd Taylor, this is one I'd highly recommend.  It's basically the story of several trips a mother and daughter made together, but it's so much more.  Laced with Greek mythology, faith, illness, and themes of transition in life, it was a truly beautiful story.  I had to laugh at the way some of the themes I was listening to were paralleling conversations I'd been having with a dear friend.  It was definitely a timely "read" and one I'll be listening to again, as well as possibly purchasing in book form.

The Scoop

So, here's the scoop.

My parents will loan me the money to buy another beater car.  Which is more debt, but very arguably very necessary debt at this point, since we're all agreed that three hours a day on transit is not a practical solution to my transportation needs.

I'm going to move into my Grandma's basement.  It is by no means my ideal situation, but it's doable for a while.  Especially if I paint the room I'm moving into (it's currently covered in very dark wood paneling, and isn't super well lit, so a coat of white or off white paint will work wonders) - and Grandma said I could paint.  The room is large, and at the back of the basement, and will give me space to still set up my couch/loveseat so I can have friends over, as well as having an open area in front where I can put my table and chairs (since I often have friends come for dinner).

It will be interesting to see how it goes, since my grandma and I are about as opposite in personality as humanly possible.  She is maybe the most chatty person alive, loves being with people, talks on the phone for hours, is very nosy, and likes to know everything about everyone she ever meets.  She can also give you all the details on the life of someone she ran into at the grocery store the other day who you may have met, once, or whose sibling you went to school with some thirty years prior.  I on the other hand, am an introvert who LOVES silence and privacy - lots of silence and privacy.  This personality conflict was the biggest reason I was hesitating to move in in the first place, and it will definitely be the largest challenge of living there.

To be honest, I'm still a bit discouraged and angry at how things have played out.  Mostly just frustrated at the loss of a car, but also a little frustrated to have to give up this apartment.  Of the three places I've lived since moving out of my parent's home, this has definitely been my favorite, the most convenient for my work commute, and for my life in general.  I've really loved living here, and it's hard to give that up.

I'd already been mostly planning to live with Grandma.  It was the idea that wouldn't go away as I mulled and prayed over what on earth I was going to do when L's visa expired and she had to leave the country.  Especially as each of the options for replacement roommates that had seemed so certain fell away.  So, in that sense, I'm confident that this is a "right" step.  I guess I'm struggling with the "my will vs. God's leading" conundrum.  Because this "right step" is most certainly NOT the one I would have chosen.

Living with Grandma makes economic sense as well.  I will save probably somewhere between 100 and 150 dollars a month in expenses - money that can go towards debt to pay it off sooner and set me free.  Or money that can pay the likely increase in my car insurance payment thanks to another accident on my record.  I guess it's hard for me, though, because I am far more of a dreamer than a person who wants to live with the reality of numbers, and living at Grandma's is definitely going to be a challenging sacrifice for the sake of my finances.

To be fair, I'm not afraid to admit that these circumstances are somewhat of my own making.  It was my choices that led to the debt that means I can't afford my own place.  And it is my choice in how I handle this next season, waiting and paying down debt, and moving forward.  I know that these things are mine alone to own.  But I'm struggling a little with that too.  Because it would be nice to blame the debt on the circumstances that led to my spending.  On some of the disasters of life in the last couple of years that meant I relied on my credit card for groceries in order that I could make a rent payment from my chequing account, or that left me devastated and looking to buy happiness wherever I could.  But I made those choices - the attempted purchases of happiness especially.

To quote the irritating old saying, "I made the bed, and now I've got to lie in it."  (Which is really a horrible saying, and quite ruins the beauty I enjoy each week of making my bed with freshly washed sheets and then crawling into it at the end of the night!)

So.  In the next month, here's what's happening in my life.

• I need to pack all of the belongings in the current apartment, relocate them to Grandma's basement, and unpack them there.
• I need to get a Grandma approved paint color, some primer, and paint the incredibly dark 1970s wood paneling to a lighter and more liveable shade of white or beige.  (So thankful that all of my furniture is a nice bright white color as that will help immensely as well!)
• I need to shop (with my dad's help) for a replacement for George at some sort of affordable price.
• I also need to tackle the challenge of getting back behind the wheel of a car again.
• I will be involved in wedding planning with my brother and L.
• I'll be working full time, and planning a major conference for work, to take place in early April, just after Easter.
• I'll be hoping and praying my body gets back to normal post accident.

Those are just the immediate and major tasks.  There's quite a lot of them to be honest.

That's the scoop.  I'm still tired and frustrated.  I'm working on readjusting my expectations to what my new reality is going to be.  I'm a bit overwhelmed at the seeming enormity of the tasks in front of me, especially at a time when I know that I'm not physically well (I was still having health problems before the accident, and I've now compounded them.)  I'm working at finding that peace again.  At accepting what the next section of my life is going to look like.

Daily 5 - Day 170

Today's Daily 5:

1. 170 days of showing up here to write daily 5 lists!
2. Swimming today - I don't know how well known a fact it is, but I was a synchronized swimmer for twelve years (and the last 5 of those years I also coached).  I quit formally involvement with swimming in any form at the end of high school, and in many ways have felt like that love of being in the water was something that was lost or stolen as I became buried in depression.  A few years ago as I was sitting near the Mediterranean Sea, I felt like God was telling me that He was restoring to me that love of being in/near water.  I still don't swim very regularly, and today, to be honest, was painful (I was after all, there for therapeutic reasons, post accident), but even as I swam for the twenty minutes or so that I could manage, I felt hope, and that love and comfort that comes from being held in the water stirring in me again.
3. Family - today I'm very thankful for my family.  I wrote this morning's first post mid-meltdown, and by about an hour later, I was feeling a little better.  My dad had called me, we'd talked logically through some of the challenges presented by my forthcoming move and lack of a vehicle, and my financial situation, and we'd decided that I need to buy a car.  That living with my grandma still makes all of the financial sense it did before the accident, but that because of the way our city is laid out, and the location where I'll be living, a car is pretty much a necessity.  My parents have also offered to loan me the money necessary to get a vehicle, thus helping me avoid further interest charges and debt.   
4. My mom also helped me out today.  She picked me up from the swimming pool (I'd taken the bus from my apartment to get there) and took me to do some errands, including a stop at the bank, for groceries, and at the library to pick up some books I'd requested before my car's life was tragically ended.  It was so great to do each of those things, since all of them are in locations that are quite difficult to access by transit.
5. New audio book from the library, since I'm apparently going to be spending time on transit for a bit until I can find a car to buy
6. I'm choosing to be thankful that I do have a place to move to, that will help me financially, even if it isn't my ideal situation.
7. A long online conversation with a dear friend.
8. A few friends who checked in on me in various ways after discovering I was feeling quite discouraged today.
9. Knowing that I am being held in the prayers of many this week - can't quite explain how much I appreciate that.
10. A new friend leaving me a note this morning to simply say that I'd been missed at the house church gathering I was unable to attend last night.

Everyone Out

They're used helicopters to airlift the last of the tourists stranded at Machu Picchu by mudslides earlier this week to safety.

Overwhelmed and Discouraged

Okay, so, here's the scoop.

I got the final confirmation this morning that I will definitely be moving at the end of February (barring the miracle provision of a roommate in the next two days).  Even though I knew that that news was likely coming, it was sort of the final straw, and I've been bawling off and on ever since.

I seem to have lost the ability I've relied on for the last couple of days to hold it together.

I've known I was likely moving for quite some time, and I'd made my peace with it.

What I hadn't expected was to have to move into a new location without the freedom that having a car provides.

I hadn't talked about it here yet, because it was never my ideal situation, but I was/am looking at moving into my Grandma's basement for a while.  It wasn't the ideal situation because my grandma and I are about as opposite in personality as humanly possible, and I was pretty concerned about having privacy and freedom in that situation.  A car made it a doable thing, not only in terms of freedom, but in terms of the ability to get to and from work conveniently.  Grandma's house is convenient to where I work if I'm driving.

And then Tuesday happened.  And I suddenly don't have a car, or really any prospect of purchasing one in the next couple of months based on my finances.

And so I find myself staring at the reality that the only living situation I can really afford on my own right now is to live at Grandma's.  But that I've lost the vehicle that made living there a seemingly doable prospect.  Living there now, without a vehicle, will mean about three hours a day on city transit.  It will mean that to get anywhere I need to go, I can plan on it taking at least an hour by transit.  To get to my parent's home - a five minute drive - would likely take close to an hour by transit because of the way the connections work.

I don't really know what to do, and I'm feeling like there really aren't a lot of options.  And that all hit home this morning, so I've been busy bawling.

I'm overwhelmed and discouraged, and a bit lonely as well.

(oh and did I mention that even though my parents have been generous in offering to let me borrow a car for short periods of time, right now the idea of getting back behind the wheel is enough to spark panic attacks and a fresh round of tears?)

I'll snap out of it eventually.  I always do.  But, in the moment, I can't stop crying.  (maybe that's okay...)