Friday, January 29, 2010

Overwhelmed and Discouraged

Okay, so, here's the scoop.

I got the final confirmation this morning that I will definitely be moving at the end of February (barring the miracle provision of a roommate in the next two days).  Even though I knew that that news was likely coming, it was sort of the final straw, and I've been bawling off and on ever since.

I seem to have lost the ability I've relied on for the last couple of days to hold it together.

I've known I was likely moving for quite some time, and I'd made my peace with it.

What I hadn't expected was to have to move into a new location without the freedom that having a car provides.

I hadn't talked about it here yet, because it was never my ideal situation, but I was/am looking at moving into my Grandma's basement for a while.  It wasn't the ideal situation because my grandma and I are about as opposite in personality as humanly possible, and I was pretty concerned about having privacy and freedom in that situation.  A car made it a doable thing, not only in terms of freedom, but in terms of the ability to get to and from work conveniently.  Grandma's house is convenient to where I work if I'm driving.

And then Tuesday happened.  And I suddenly don't have a car, or really any prospect of purchasing one in the next couple of months based on my finances.

And so I find myself staring at the reality that the only living situation I can really afford on my own right now is to live at Grandma's.  But that I've lost the vehicle that made living there a seemingly doable prospect.  Living there now, without a vehicle, will mean about three hours a day on city transit.  It will mean that to get anywhere I need to go, I can plan on it taking at least an hour by transit.  To get to my parent's home - a five minute drive - would likely take close to an hour by transit because of the way the connections work.

I don't really know what to do, and I'm feeling like there really aren't a lot of options.  And that all hit home this morning, so I've been busy bawling.

I'm overwhelmed and discouraged, and a bit lonely as well.

(oh and did I mention that even though my parents have been generous in offering to let me borrow a car for short periods of time, right now the idea of getting back behind the wheel is enough to spark panic attacks and a fresh round of tears?)

I'll snap out of it eventually.  I always do.  But, in the moment, I can't stop crying.  (maybe that's okay...)


Anonymous said...

It is okay to cry Lisa. I am actually relieved to hear that you are crying. I know you dont like to. I love you and I am sorry that you have to move I was really hoping that you would not have to. I will pray for tht 2 day miracle. Hoping the recovery is coming along in terms of soreness and will chat at you later.


tea said...

Saying a prayer for you..

Anonymous said...

Praying for you, friend.