A Little Bit Sorry for Myself

Okay, I admit it, I'm sitting here feeling just a little bit sorry for myself.

I have a commitment tonight that I don't particularly want to attend because of some of the people who will be there, but need to attend, because I care about the person it's honoring.

Incidentally, I had to laugh last night when, while discussing tonight's plans with my mom, she asked the reason I wasn't looking forward to being around this particular group of people. My answer? "Because they're so christian!" We both got a good laugh out of that, especially since my mom has met a few of these people, and knows me well enough to know that what I was referring to was a particular strain of conservative, sheltered naivete that makes me a little bit crazy after a while. The sort of naivete that makes me a very shocking person (and those of you who know me, know that "shocking" isn't particularly a word that's regularly applied to me!)

But I'm feeling just a little bit sorry for myself because of the demand of tonight's commitment.

Because, you see, this is a very low energy weekend. This week was draining, and I came into the weekend knowing that I'd need to really limit my commitments. That I'd keep the ones I had planned (massage, banking, tonight, and tomorrow night) and that it would likely not be wise to add any more.

No big deal, except that there is another commitment, a gathering of the house church network I'm becoming involved in, tomorrow. And based on how I'm doing at the moment, and the knowledge that tonight will likely be a later night, and that I have a family commitment tomorrow night, it's unlikely that it would be wise for me to attend said gathering.

And, at the moment, that's making me a little bit grumpy and resentful. Grumpy because it's the event I'd definitely rather attend. And resentful because at 26, I really shouldn't have to make decisions like this based on health and energy levels.

I think it's actually been harder to be accepting of the energy level and health struggles over the last month. I've been feeling a little bit better. There are signs of life within me again. For the first time in a long time, I'm finding that I want to re-engage with the world. To be a bit social, make new friends, and seek out community again. And it has been frustrating me that sometimes even the most basic day to day things can exhaust me, and that the necessity is that the weekends are a time when I conserve energy a bit, to make it through the work days that pay my bills.

I'm telling myself that things are slowly getting better. (And they are.) And that it took a long time to get this overwhelmingly fatigued, so I certainly can't expect to heal overnight. (Also very true.)

But I'm still just a little bit grumpy. I'll get over it.

And who knows, maybe it'll be an earlier night than I think tonight, and I'll have one of those rare fantastic sleeps, and I'll be able to attend the gathering and my family event tomorrow evening.

If not, I'll choose joy in the morning somehow, and pray for those who are gathered, that it would be a time of great blessing and laughter and joy.

Numbers and Such Like

I started my morning with a massage.

It was a pretty good way to start the morning.

After that, well, most of the rest of my day is going to be about numbers.

I had a meeting at a new bank to open some accounts and start the process of changing banks.

I went to my current bank to deposit a couple of cheques so that I can pay some bills.

And now I'm home, and wrapped in a blanket.

It's -34 Celsius out there with the windchill today. That's -29.2 Farenheit for those of you who don't think in Celsius. So I'm wrapped in a blanket, curled up with my laptop.

And I'm dealing with banking and financial stuff. Will probably be doing that for most of the rest of the afternoon.

Not my favorite way to spend a day, but it's stuff that needs to be done.

And at least it's warm inside.

Daily 5 - Day 121

Today's Daily "5":

1. Dinner invitation from Mom. Though I do sometimes turn these down, it's rare. Mostly because on the nights when I would have onlly been cooking for myself, it's nice to not have to cook.
2. Climbing out of a long hot shower and putting on pajamas still warm from the dryer.
3. clay mask on my face for a while
4. freshly washed towel for after my shower, and freshly washed sheets on my bed to climb into shortly
5. the scent of myrhh filling my bedroom (oil burning in my oil burner tonight)
6. A friend's facebook status that I came across tonight which made me chuckle. It read: ...is having a hard time making lemonade with life's lemons today. Maybe we should kill all the lemon trees? I'd rather make wine anyway!
7. not having to sit in traffic for hours thanks to another successful train ride
8. sipping a cup of mango rooibos tea.
9. getting lots of little domestic things done while still enjoying a quiet evening with an empty house
10. being in a space of prayer deeply, even though it's uncomfortable and rather exhausting, I'm glad for the moments when Jesus deeply draws my heart to pray.
    

A Christmas Light

I really appreciated this cartoon at The Naked Pastor today.

That's it? A baby? That's all we get?

Great questions!

The Spirit Groans

Romans 8:26-27
And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will."

My somewhat tongue-in-cheek facebook status this morning reads: Lisa is so thankful for that verse that talks about the spirit praying with groanings for us when we have no words, but sometimes wishes either that my spirit would save its groanings for the waking hours, or that my body could figure out how to sleep while my spirit talks to God.

Like I said, it's somewhat tongue-in cheek.

Last night was one of those "groaning" nights. I lay awake most of the night, knowing that my spirit was talking to Jesus, and thankful for that, but also slightly grumpy that on a night when I was rather badly in need of some sleep, I was awake and praying.

I'm still working out (sometimes, as Paul writes, with literal "fear and trembling") this faith thing.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'd change it. (Well, other than the sleep thing.) I've been through some really difficult things in the last several years, and my relationship with Jesus is far deeper than it has ever been and for that I'm truly grateful.

But the practical daily outworking of living out this prayer and faith and life and intercession thing? I don't have a handle on that most of the time.

And this is a day of "groaning". Which I suppose fits nicely in the advent season. This season of longing and waiting for birth. And the process of birth itself, so deeply marked by groanings. But today, more than some days, I feel that groaning deeply. I feel it for my own life, but particularly for the lives of some I love who are facing some very challenging and painful moments these next days. And I'm grateful for a Spirit that intercedes for me, and for them, with groanings beyond words. Because, right now, I think the groanings are perhaps the most appropriate form of communicating those longings.