Re-Ordered

In my pursuit of mental quiet yesterday, I spent most of the day cleaning and reorganizing.

Often this helps re-organize my mental space as well.

I did a lot of laundry.

Changed the sheets on my bed.

I get excited about things like the first night in bed after you put on fresh sheets.

I like to sleep like I'm in a cocoon, so the first night or two, when the blankets are all still nice and tight and tucked in all the right places so that they just sort of swallow you when you crawl into bed are the best.

And (and I feel pathetic for being excited about this), I got a pillow to put underneath/between my knees while I sleep. My back was getting really sore all the time from the way I was laying to sleep, and the pillow between my knees is a great invention.

And I dreamt. Not disturbing so much as intense, and possibly vaguely profound. A nice change from the dreams I'd been having through much of the "noisy" mental week.

There will be more cleaning today, and a trip to the "Wedding Fair" with my roommates (one is getting married this summer). There will be more quiet, and writing - on paper, in a journal. And there will likely be pancakes. Probably for "brunch". Maybe for lunch or dinner instead, though. I don't believe in eating breakfast food for breakfast if it can be avoided.

Re-ordering the exterior helped with the interior again.

And for a while anyway, I am at peace.

Headlines

A few news stories catching my attention:

Migrants Escape on Italian Island

Pope move ignites holocaust row

Pursuing Quiet

My headspace has been way too loud and cluttered of late.

I've been bogged in stuff that I can't figure out, thrashing around, trying to find freedom in the midst of some gross stuff.

Late last night I decided that I needed my interior space to quiet down a little.

So today I'm doggedly pursuing quiet.

I'm being rather ruthless in what I will take in. What thought patterns I'm letting run their course. What I'm reading and listening to.

And I'm cleaning.

I'm not entirely sure if this is a needed thing, or just an elaborate method of avoiding that is working on a temporary basis.

But for now, I'm more peaceful.

And I decided that if I really do want to pursue freedom right now, it might be helpful to stop thrashing against the things that bind long enough for someone (Jesus I hope) to come and unbind them. It seems that it would be easier for unbinding to occur if I am still enough to make it a less difficult task.

Dumb Decision

I made a stupid decision today.

I was exhausted, and angry, and hurting, and broken, and frustrated, and I made a stupid decision.

Nothing life altering, thankfully. Just dumb.

Something I knew fairly quickly wouldn't solve the exhaustion, anger, hurt, brokenness, or frustration. That would in fact likely add to a couple of those categories.

I've told people for years when I've shared about the lessons I learned in the midst of depression that they shouldn't make any decisions when they're in a low.

I ignored my own advice today.

And I regret it.

On the edge of a precipice

I am broken and overwhelmed.

A friend of mine has a lyric that reads "the lie, the lie is becoming convincing".

The lies are overwhelmingly strong today. And they are becoming convincing.

There is very little strength to stand, and even less to fight.

I had a disturbing dream just before waking again this morning, and the vivid nature of this one has carried with me into the day.

I dreamt that I was standing on the edge of a precipice, trying to prevent myself from falling into pitch darkness and danger. There were only two spike like stalagmites, one on either side of me to hold on to to prevent the fall. I had no choice but to hold them, but they are like razors, and slice my hands when I do. I was in pain and my hands were bleeding, and I was working to prevent the fall into nothingness...

It haunts me today, the image of my bloody and painful hands, gripping a razor like object for dear life.