Monday night musings

Here is a random assortment of things I'm currently thinking about.

I have an ongoing, friendly argument with my roommate about whether you can eat pancakes and bacon for supper. If I cook pancakes, it's only ever at suppertime. My roommate says that pancakes cannot be eaten for any meal other than breakfast. I had pancakes and bacon for a late supper tonight, and it was extraordinarily satisfying.

Today started off very poorly. I felt ill, and stressed, and defeated. Somehow, as the stress of trying to accomplish a thousand things on a very short deadline at work took over, the illness and the defeat melted away a bit.

I often forget that God is faithful to answer the prayers I cry out on mornings like that - the desperate pleas, even demands, for strength and energy on which to lean.

I was thinking about trust a lot today. It's a word that has come up rather frequently of late. I generally am not a particularly trusting person. I have a lot of hope, but not a lot of trust. I realized, though, that there is one thing that I almost unfailingly trust - that in the moments when I am most exhausted, but still need to meet up with a friend, or a youth kid, and be able to listen and pray and see and exercise discernment, that even in the exhaustion the Lord is faithful to meet with me and give me the strength, energy, words and discernment necessary for that moment. It almost unfailingly leaves the second I leave the person, but is always there in the moments I most need it.

This is a week for slogging. Work is insanely busy, and I will be away for the weekend at a conference for work. (There's nothing like working through a weekend without compensation, and then going right back to the office first thing on Monday morning!) So, I'll push through, and I'll be really glad when the following weekend comes along.

I still haven't caught the mice in my house. But I do definitely have mice. So, I've cleaned my closet, restored order to it (and put things up on little shelves and off the floor), left traps set, and decided to move on with life. We'll keep things clean, keep an eye on our food cupboards for signs that the infestation of rodents has spread, and move on with life.

I'm hoping to buy new glasses sometime in the next couple of weeks. This is an exciting prospect for me, as I've been wearing my current glasses for over five years. I have benefits that will cover $200 of the cost (which will be $400-$500 - for two pairs as I generally get a 2 for 1 deal), which is also helpful. (Just as a random fact, my glasses always cost more than some people's because my vision is wonky. I'm nearsighted in one eye and farsighted in the other. My left eye is also lazy.)

I am so over winter. Over the weekend it got cold here again, and snowed a couple of inches. It's nearly April, warm weather would be much appreciated. I need spring. In fact, I bought daisies to put on our dining room table from the grocery store yesterday because I was so desperate for a touch of color and spring.

Okay... I have some poetry to read, and some stuff to sort through, and some emails to send. Happy last day of March!

Travelling With the Eyes of God - Henri Nouwen

Another great thought from Henri Nouwen:

Travelling With the Eyes of God

Travelling - seeing new sights, hearing new music, and meeting new people - is exciting and exhilarating. But when we have no home to return to where someone will ask us, "How was your trip?" we might be less eager to go. Travelling is joyful when we travel with the eyes and ears of those who love us, who want to see our slides and hear our stories.

This is what life is about. It is being sent on a trip by a loving God, who is waiting at home for our return and is eager to watch the slides we took and hear about the friends we made. When we travel with the eyes and ears of the God who sent us, we will see wonderful sights, hear wonderful sounds, meet wonderful people ... and be happy to return home.

The ill-matched threads

One more poem from Rilke, the prayer of my heart tonight (for myself, and several dear friends).

She who reconciles the ill-matched threads
of her life, and weaves them gratefully
into a single cloth -
it's she who drives the loudmouths from the hall
and clears it for a different celebration

where the one guest is you.
In the softness of evening
it's you she receives.

You are the partner of her loneliness,
the unspeaking center of her monologues.
With each disclosure you encompass more
and she stretches beyond what limits her,
to hold you.

Poetry

A week or so ago I listened to a radio documentary about spirituality and depression. In the course of listening, a book of poetry by Rainer Maria Rilke, translated from the German by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy, was highly recommended. The book is titled, "Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God."

I ordered it in from the library, and, now, half-way through the book, am going to end up buying myself a copy. Rilke's poetry is strikingly beautiful, and is catching me in all sorts of tender places at the moment. Want a sample? Here are a few bits and pieces of poems, and one full poem...

But you take pleasure in the faces
of those who know they thirst
You cherish those
who grip you for survival.

~

May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

~

I want to unfold.
Let no place in me hold itself closed,
for where I am closed, I am false.
I want to stay clear in your sight.

~

It feels as though I make my way
through massive rock
like a vein of ore
alone, encased.

I am so deep inside it
I can't see the path or any distance:
everything is close
and everything closing in on me
has turned to stone.

Since I still don't know enough about pain,
this terrible darkness makes me small.
If it's you, though -

press down hard on me, break in
that I may know the weight of your hand,
and you, the fullness of my cry.

Dilemmas

I have two dilemmas tonight.

The first involves buying glasses. I went out tonight to look at my options. Do I buy slightly more funky and colorful, or slightly less funky and neutral? Keep in mind that I only buy new glasses about once every five years, and that I wear my glasses all the time (first thing I put on in the morning, last thing I take off at night.)

The second involves Sunday school tomorrow morning. I'm teaching. My class has three sixteen year old girls. The lesson from the book that I'm scheduled to teach is a presentation of the salvation message. The book is designed for large youth groups, with a mixture of Christian and non-Christian kids. I have three girls, all of whom I've known since they were born, all of whom are dedicated followers of Christ. Not really sure what I'm going to do about that.

Thoughts?