Quiet again

I feel like a lot of parts of my life are quiet right now. In a weirdly intense kind of way.

Like there just aren't a lot of words to go around the things that are going on in me.

I don't know how I feel about that.

I kind of want the control of being able to name exactly what I'm experiencing.

On the other hand, I know that the things I'm going through are deep and beautiful, and worth experiencing, even if they can't be named or controlled.

So, I'm quiet again.

Tired...

Have you ever had those times when you're so chronically behind on sleep that even when you've had a decent night's rest, you still feel fuzzy and completely exhausted? I'm there right now, though I've only had about 2 proper nights of sleep in the past couple of weeks.

Work remains crazy. I told someone this morning, "I'm really good at multi-tasking, but right now, if anyone asks me for one more thing, my brain may implode." I am a methodical, linear thinker by nature. I like to do one thing, from start to finish, or at least to a good stopping point, before I start the next thing. This is an impossibility at the moment, and it's taxing my limited mental reserves.

I'm wondering where I'm going to find the energy to read and write a Bible study about chapters 5 and 6 of Velvet Elvis before Thursday night when I have to lead a Bible study about said chapters. I tried to read a novel that I've read several times previously just for a few minutes last night, and fully fell asleep making the attempt. Not sure how I'm going to manage to stay awake and think coherently enought to create discussion questions around 2 full chapters of a book.

The stress and exhaustion are affecting my appetite again. I'm subsisting on mandarin oranges and crackers, and even those aren't sitting all that well. I'm also eating chocolate, because it's appealing, my body doesn't seem to be rejecting it, and it gives me the little sugar rushes I've been needing. (I know - SO not healthy, but I'm working on it!) I'm drinking water by the gallon as well.

I need a nap - or to stay home from work for a day and do nothing but sleep. I can't do either. I don't have time.

One month from today I'll be on a plane to Malta - how crazy is that?

Until later!

Perspective

Someone asked me this morning why, if I hate my job so much, I don't just quit.

Here's the answer. I don't hate my job in general. I hate my job right now. I hate the stress. I hate the time crunch, and being the last person in line to receive the items, but the one who has to do the most to them to get them out the door. I hate being blamed for things I can't control, and being the punching bag for other people's stress. I hate my boss' current pushing of an attitude of "I will try my hardest to get that done" instead of "It won't be done today." I'm a realist - I will always try my hardest, but if I tell you it won't be done today, it probably won't be done today.

I have perspective. I know that in a week or two it will calm down around here again. I know that a month from tomorrow I will be getting on a plane to go to Malta for a month. I know that I will train a temp to do my job while I'm in Malta, and that I'll miss the busiest time of year for my job (with the exception of the next couple weeks). I know that, sometime in the spring or summer, when I make the next overseas trip, I won't have this job to come back to. That means this season is coming to an end, and I can stick it out (even when I really hate it) for the next while until the season really does end.

Liked this article...

It's been a while since I linked to any stories from my daily morning perusal of the news, but I came across this article on Rob Bell on the TIME magazine site this morning, and found it interesting, and thought I'd link to it for the rest of you!

The Hipper-Than-Thou Pastor

Tired...

I'm heading for bed. Or at least to read in bed.

I'm really tired. Weeks of sleeping only 4 or so hours most nights is catching up to me. Last night I stayed with some friends. I normally sleep well at their home for whatever reason - something I can't say about very many places. Last night wasn't unsettled, I just hardly slept.

I crashed for two hours on the couch this afternoon, and I'm still exhausted.

I did something to the muscles in my left shoulder and neck yesterday. They're painfully stiff. I'm laying with a magic bag draped behind me.

I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. I feel guilty for dreading it, but I'm so done with the stress, and other's stress, and the negative emotions flying high, and having enough work for three people, when I'm only one person. I'm tired of being blamed for things that aren't my fault, and doing the work for a manager who has a staff, and for whom I don't even really work for.

I could use a week off.

This last while has been full of stressors. People stuff. Work stuff. Personal direction in life stuff. I could use a week where all that was on my agenda was laying on the beach with a really good book. Or laying on my couch with a really good book. Or laying in a bathtub with a really good book. (are you catching the theme here?)

This week, however, remains busy. Full of all the stressors. So, I'm choosing to trust - that Jesus walks with me and shields me. That I will survive (and possibly thrive). I'm choosing to be thankful for the beautiful things, and to try not to carry the ugly ones with me.

And I'm going to bed early.

Good night!