On my mind...

Here are just a few of the things I'm thinking about tonight, written in my preferred, rambling sort of fashion.

My dad and I had an argument the other night about idealism. He says that it is never a good thing, that it is just something that you have when you are young, and that it comes to no good. I maintain that it is a beautiful thing, and brings much good, though, when pressed, I admit to struggling to come up with the sorts of practical, concrete examples he was looking for.

I am just presently engaged in the re-reading of a number of books in the "Anne of Green Gables" series by Lucy Maud Montgomery. I've loved these books since I was a child, and I love them still. Unlike many, though, my favorites are not the ones where Anne is a precocious child, but the later ones, the coming of age stories, where Anne is a young woman, teaching, and negotiating life and relationships, finding her way in the world.

I was rereading a blog post I wrote back in October tonight, and a few lines caught me. I wrote, "I allowed Jesus to draw me deeper into Himself, and thus make me more fully myself, for I've discovered that the moments when I'm most alive, most myself, are the moments when I am most deeply connected to what Jesus is doing in a time or place." I wonder if I realized the truth in that statement as it rolled off my fingertips? The moments when I have felt most at home (and completely alien at the same time!) in my own skin are the moments when I have been most lost in Jesus, and the things He is doing.

Have you ever had an encounter with a complete stranger, where, though no words were exchanged, it made you pause? I had an encounter like that on the train this morning. I was listening to my ipod, and generally allowing my mind to drift in the fashion I often do early in the morning, when, at one of the stops, an older man stepped on the train. He was carrying tools with him, and had the hard, weathered look of one who has done manual labor in all sorts of weather for many years. He was completely unremarkable, like dozens of other commuters I see each day, and yet, something about him made me pause. I blame it on the prayer I prayed not so long ago, asking Jesus to truly let me "see". I couldn't tell you what I saw, but I puzzled on it for a couple stops. Finally, I prayed simply in my head, "I see you. I don't know what you are, but I see you. And I carry Jesus with me." He got off at the next stop. A strange non-encounter sort of encounter, completely forgettable, and yet, it's stuck with me all day.

I'm reading a book right now, and while I'm only 60 or so pages in, can I just say that so far I heartily recommend it? The title? "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. How can you go wrong with those done in combination? Funny, how, even though the author is not a Christian - her journey of spiritual discovery ultimately (at least according to the copy on the back of the book - I'm still in the "eat" section) takes her to a yogi and an ashram somewhere in India, I am hearing Jesus in some of her descriptions. I read the conversations she has with herself, and hear Jesus speaking back to her. Her description (chapter 4, I think, should you happen to pick the book up) of the first time she prays was beautiful, and tonight, I came across the following paragraph, in which she is describing her experience of severe depression and coming to the point of admitting that it is true of her, and that she needs help, and I understood, oh so perfectly, the emotions she expresses. She writes:

"When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore."

And with that thought, I think I'm going to leave you for the night. I'm going to curl up in bed, read a little more, and then sleep.

See you around!

Quiet Friday

I know I said I was going to read tonight. I may still do that. But, to be honest, I was so exhausted when I finally made it home from work that I couldn't bear the idea of immediately engaging my brain. Soooo... I'm watching a bit of television...

I also picked up a car from my parent's house.

In a while, I'll crawl into a nice, hot bath, and read.

I'm also going to prep a Sunday school lesson tonight.

I'm pondering the timing of the arrival of an information package that I requested from a seminary well over a month ago, the day after I found out that the job I was planning on is not going to be mine.

Tomorrow, you ask?

Tomorrow I'm going to pick my baby brother up just before nine, and drive him to a church on the way out of town. He's writing a royal conservatory music theory exam. I'm heading to Canmore to spend the day with a good friend. I can't wait.

I'm so glad this week is over. At about three this afternoon I honestly thought it was never going to end. On the bus on the way home, there was brand new driver again - for the second time this week, and the third time since I've been riding the route. A driver who needed directions on where to turn. Why Calgary transit puts rookie drivers on one of the longest and most complicated routes in the city without training them on the route first, I'll never understand.

But, it's the weekend, and I'm going to enjoy friends and family. I'm going to rest, and pray, and light candles. I'm going to try and not think about my job - and how next week promises to be even more crazy and stressful than this week. I'm going to read, and maybe do some baking. I'm going to talk with Jesus. I'm going to relax, breathe, take sabbath. It's so cool that I can do that.

With the wind...

I found out yesterday that I won't get the job I was so certain I'd get after all.

And I'm okay with that.

I'd prayed hard before making the decision to apply, and it seemed God was leading in that direction, so I went with it.

Within a week of applying, though, I found out some more details about possible future travel plans (next summer), and realized that if I wanted to follow my heart on the traveling, I couldn't make the time commitment to the job.

So, I let things sit in limbo, and waited for my employer to bring it up.

Yesterday morning, as we discussed the unpaid leave time that I'm taking to go to Malta, it came up.

I also found out that while they'll generously grant me leave for Malta, that's the only time they'll do it. The next time the Lord asks me to make a trip around the world somewhere, I'll be out of a job.

I wrote a friend last night to tell her about the job situation.

As I was writing, I realized that I really am okay.

I feel so many things changing still in my life... I am being pulled outward to the world, and sense that there will be many opportunities to travel in this next season. Possibilities (vaguely for some, less vague for others) exist on my radar for trips to Rwanda, Peru, India/Pakistan, and Europe.

I told my friend, "I want to be blown with the wind for this next while, not settled." I want to go wherever Jesus takes me and hang out with friends in locations spread across the country and across the globe.

I leave for Malta in just over a month.

I'm ready to float on the wind...

Quiet evening

I got my hair cut tonight, but I'm too lazy to take a picture to show you. 3 or 4 inches cut off. Layers. Bangs - albeit long ones. Generally it has a shape again. 6 months is too long in between cuts. But moving out and and a few other things made it less feasible to spend the money for a really good cut for a while there.

I wandered in the mall for a little while before I had the hair appointment. Mostly I hung out in the bookstore.

I've been in bookstores a little too often this week for the good of my budget.

I picked up two new titles tonight. Both were one's I was surprised to find in a secular, large chain bookstore. "Starving Jesus" by Craig Gross and J.R. Mahon, and "The Year I Got Everything I Wanted" by Cameron Conant. I've been reading Conant's blog for a while now (I link to it in my sidebar) and was delighted to find his book in the store tonight.

If this week ever actually ends (a fact I'm sort of doubting since it feels like one of the longest on record), I'm going to spend tomorrow evening curled up with lit candles, a cup of tea (or several) reading. I have at least three titles purchased this week that I'm looking forward to diving into. And a magazine. I have a magazine too. And probably a hot bath. The books would be good while soaking in sweetly scented salts for an hour or so.

For the moment, though, I'm going to enjoy watching Grey's Anatomy, then I'm going to try and catch some sleep. Not something I've been doing that well this week, but still worth the effort...

Surviving Thursday

I've hardly eaten today. I don't know exactly what's been going on with my body the last few days, but it's NOT happy with me at the moment. I'm inescapably nauseous just at the moment, and sipping tea and water as if my life depended on it.

I still need to get through three more hours of work, the evening commute, and a haircut before I get to be home for the night. If I can survive the time at work, then I'll make it.

The atmosphere in the office feels heavy again today, and I'm not sure why. There's not the usual things that are connected to that. It's making me more tired (and probably more ill) than usual.

I'll be glad when this week ends.

In the meantime, here are a few things I'm clinging to as things that are making me smile and remember that life is so much more about the things outside the walls of my office building.

• a fair degree of certainty about a job uncertainty that had been hanging in the balance for several weeks. (more on that another time).
• a surprise lunch with Kari since the highway was closed to clear up an accident
• the fact that my siblings and I each decided to purchase our own ticket to a Rascal Flatts concert in March, and make that our Christmas gift to each other - an evening out in March.
• a haircut scheduled for tonight.
• a venti passion tea sitting on my desk.
• a warm polar fleece sweater.
• that I get to take the bus home tonight instead of the train.