hmm...

I picked T. up from work tonight. We were supposed to meet a mutual friend who's headed out of the country this weekend. She didn't show. We waited for over half an hour, and nothing.

But we had a great conversation instead. T. and I are pretty close, and he's been gone for the last two and a half weeks on a tour with the choir from his school. It was great to catch up, to talk about life, about the spiritual stuff, about forthcoming changes. T. is the one member of my family that it feels safe to be completely honest about the things I'm thinking, the things I believe, who I really am. I'll miss conversations with him when I move out, but will simply have to be more intentional about hooking up with him to catch up.

Silent

The voice inside my head that translates thoughts into writing has been strangely silent the last few days. Almost like I dumped enough stuff out that it doesn't feel like my head will explode if I don't write down just that one more thing. (In case you're wondering, this is a VERY good thing! It means I'm feeling more at peace and less overwhelmed than I have in a while.)

I started reading a great book on youth ministry this week. It's explaining to me in a very clear way why I've been so unhappy and ill at ease in the church I attend and do youth ministry at. It's challenging me for the future (though I don't know if much youth ministry is actually in my future I know there will be counseling in my future, and I have a heart for young women, so I figure it applies). It's shaping my thoughts about life and faith.

I'll tell you all about it and give you some great quotes once I finish reading it.

In the meantime, I'm off to pick up my brother and hang out with a mutual friend who heads back overseas for a month this weekend.

See you soon.

Today's Headline

Anyone who knows me will know that I am quite fascinated by mental health issues. As such, the headline that caught my eye today should be no surprise. It deals with the mental health issues that have arisen in New Orleans, post Hurrican Katrina, and the lack of available facilities to treat them. You can find it here.

Something Died and Healing is Coming?

Sunday was an interesting day for me.

Those of you who know a bit about my journey this last while will know that I am struggling with some deep and somewhat harmful relational issues with my mom, and while I love her dearly, a day dedicated to talking about close relationships with mothers was somewhat trying.

On Sunday night I wrote a single line in my journal. "Something broke in me today." That was it. I was in the middle of a random conversation before church started, talking about a worship song the team was practicing in the background that I happen to dislike (hate would be a better word), and something snapped and died inside of me, and I started to weep, right in the middle of the conversation. (Not exactly the way to appear mentally stable!) Just like that, from one moment to the next, a season in my life came to an end. I'm not sure yet how that will pan out, what it means, what I'll do with it, but it's over. I wept twice more before the service was over - once while hiding at the back during the worship set, and once when someone I've known for a very long time, and have some level of trust with commented that I seemed down that day.

I watched a movie with my mom that night (great story, made me laugh, despite some plot gaps), but was still quite discouraged and worn down from the emotional nature of the day. I came upstairs after the movie ended, checked my email, and found a message from a dear friend. It was two sentences. "I love you. And I love your heart." I so desperately needed to hear that that day, when I was struggling so deeply with the way my heart was clashing against so many things in my immediate life. God's timing in my receiving that particular note was beautiful.

I wrote the following yesterday, as I reflected on the events of the weekend, and particularly on Sunday. I think it quite nicely sums up the present state of my life...

So, I'm back in the place of waiting, and wondering what comes next. There are some commitments that I need to honor for the remainder of this month, and for the month of June, before some things that have died in me can truly come to an end. There are great hopes and dreams for the time over the summer, for new things, new people, new places, new relationship with God and others. There is a growing urging to study and pray and meditate and write, to find some rhythms for my life. There is a sense of great discouragement, of grief and pain, of exhaustion, and even some anger. There is also a sense of great and ever growing hope.

I was reminded of a line from a Rita Springer song as I walked from the train to the office this morning, "I was made for war! I was made for battle, Lord!" I haven't felt up to the battle this last while, though I've been quite aware of it raging around me. I felt a sense of strength returning this morning, a hope for things to come, things worth doing battle for. A willingness to step in and really fight for the things I feel God speaking, not simply wait passively for them to arrive.

As I was writing this, I was reminded of a line from Scripture, "...My God shall supply all your needs..."

And one last line, from a Chris Tomlin song that God has repeatedly used to remind and encourage me this last while, "...I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing..."

The Promised Update

I appreciate your prayers over the course of the weekend, and I’ve been wondering how to find the right words to describe the goings on…

We arrived safely in Canmore, on schedule, checked in to the hostel, cooked dinner, and then gathered for our evening. The teaching (the bit I was most nervous about) went quite well, though the format was slightly different from what I pictured in my head, and I was thus less able to follow my well laid out notes, and was somewhat more scattered. To be honest, I have no particular idea if the things we talked about that evening hit home in any of the kids, but I pray that they were challenged and encouraged by some of the things that were spoken.

I did, however, choose to share a bit personally from my own journey as I spoke about the silence of God. I spoke with a great deal of frankness about the five years that I suffered from depression, telling these young people about how frustrated I found myself with the silence of God in that time of my life, and about the frank prayers I spent so many hours repeating in those years, asking to simply be allowed to die, for life seemed completely hopeless and without meaning. I wasn’t sure how this would go over, what the shock level would be, and I was quite carefully watching certain faces as I spoke about this time in my life. I have known some of these young people since they were toddlers, and knew that none of them would have been aware of this season in my life, as it was something I very carefully worked to conceal from the church and world at large during the time I was going through it, thanks to the stigma attached to things like depression, and the corresponding frustration and anger with God. The shock I knew I would see was quite evident on certain faces!

I did not get much sleep that night (though that will surprise few of you who know me well!), but felt very much at peace as I laid on a top bunk and surveyed the young women sleeping all around me in the room. I spent much time praying for them, and simply listening for the voice of God as I lay awake through a big chunk of the night.

Saturday was filled with hiking, and a little bit of wandering around Canmore. We paused a couple of times on the hike, asking the kids to reflect on various topics, and on where they see God at work.

What was perhaps most exciting for me was a number of conversations I was able to have over the course of the weekend. Two of the girls rode in my car on the way up and the way home (though they slept most of the way home) and we were able to chat about a wide range of topics, and speak fairly openly about a number of things.

While hiking down the mountain on Saturday, one of the guys approached me. This is one of the guys I’ve known since he was probably about three years old (he’s eighteen now) and one whose face had reflected shock as I spoke so openly the night before. For most of the way down, I answered his questions about that time in my life, and began to tell the story of the grace and healing from God that I encountered so powerfully. We didn’t manage to finish the conversation, but the option is there for the future, and I find that encouraging indeed.

I am rapidly discovering that perhaps the most powerful thing God has given me to speak is my own story of depression and healing. I am rapidly discovering that things such as mental illness are still much concealed in Christian circles, though very, very common. Every time I am given the freedom to share this part of my life it opens the door for unique and beautiful conversations. I am asking God to continue to allow me to share how overwhelmed I am at the grace he has poured out on my life in this manner with as many people as he would have me tell.

So, that’s the update…

There are other things to tell, things about the course of the weekend that don’t pertain directly to the youth retreat… let’s just say that I had a rather difficult and exhausting day yesterday… I’ll unfold those things over the next days and weeks as I begin to process them and come to terms with them.