Something Died and Healing is Coming?

Sunday was an interesting day for me.

Those of you who know a bit about my journey this last while will know that I am struggling with some deep and somewhat harmful relational issues with my mom, and while I love her dearly, a day dedicated to talking about close relationships with mothers was somewhat trying.

On Sunday night I wrote a single line in my journal. "Something broke in me today." That was it. I was in the middle of a random conversation before church started, talking about a worship song the team was practicing in the background that I happen to dislike (hate would be a better word), and something snapped and died inside of me, and I started to weep, right in the middle of the conversation. (Not exactly the way to appear mentally stable!) Just like that, from one moment to the next, a season in my life came to an end. I'm not sure yet how that will pan out, what it means, what I'll do with it, but it's over. I wept twice more before the service was over - once while hiding at the back during the worship set, and once when someone I've known for a very long time, and have some level of trust with commented that I seemed down that day.

I watched a movie with my mom that night (great story, made me laugh, despite some plot gaps), but was still quite discouraged and worn down from the emotional nature of the day. I came upstairs after the movie ended, checked my email, and found a message from a dear friend. It was two sentences. "I love you. And I love your heart." I so desperately needed to hear that that day, when I was struggling so deeply with the way my heart was clashing against so many things in my immediate life. God's timing in my receiving that particular note was beautiful.

I wrote the following yesterday, as I reflected on the events of the weekend, and particularly on Sunday. I think it quite nicely sums up the present state of my life...

So, I'm back in the place of waiting, and wondering what comes next. There are some commitments that I need to honor for the remainder of this month, and for the month of June, before some things that have died in me can truly come to an end. There are great hopes and dreams for the time over the summer, for new things, new people, new places, new relationship with God and others. There is a growing urging to study and pray and meditate and write, to find some rhythms for my life. There is a sense of great discouragement, of grief and pain, of exhaustion, and even some anger. There is also a sense of great and ever growing hope.

I was reminded of a line from a Rita Springer song as I walked from the train to the office this morning, "I was made for war! I was made for battle, Lord!" I haven't felt up to the battle this last while, though I've been quite aware of it raging around me. I felt a sense of strength returning this morning, a hope for things to come, things worth doing battle for. A willingness to step in and really fight for the things I feel God speaking, not simply wait passively for them to arrive.

As I was writing this, I was reminded of a line from Scripture, "...My God shall supply all your needs..."

And one last line, from a Chris Tomlin song that God has repeatedly used to remind and encourage me this last while, "...I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing..."

Still Not Working Properly... But I'm Thinking!

I have had a really hard time writing anything of substance for quite a while now. I manage the occasional blog post, and once in a while I type a journal entry, or hand write some thoughts in a journal. But mostly, I've felt unable to write anything worth considering for more than about three seconds.



There are two possible reasons I see for this.



The first is that I have been wanting for quite some time now to be out of Calgary, and am waiting for the pieces to fall into place for that to be possible. I find Calgary hard to breathe in these days, and for me, the ability to draw deep, spiritual breaths is closely tied to the creative processes necessary to write.



The second thing niggles every once in a while at the back of my mind. "What if I can't write anymore because I was healed from depression? What if everything interesting that I had to say was a result of the depression?"



These are the things I'm thinking about.



I'm off to finish planning the girls Bible study for tomorrow afternoon - that and take a hot bath with a good novel.



If blogger ever gets fixed, and solves my problem, I'll get back to posting regularly!

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