I'm thinking, just now, about finding the sacred in the most commonplace of happenings, even in the things that are disappointing.
I was supposed to be fasting today, part of a commitment to seek God's face through this Lenten season. I'd already planned to make it shorter than normal, because of some health and physical energy issues I've been having lately, but ended up having to break the fast by noon, instead of at dinner as planned. I was developing a fairly severe headache, and the fruit juice I was drinking to bring my blood sugar wasn't putting a dent in it. But, you know, I found God anyway, in little ways through the day.
In conversations, in enjoying the food, since I knew it was a treat to be consuming it. In dinner out with my best friend. In chatting about the stuff of life, her hospital stories (she's a nurse), a few of my recent "blond" moments at work. In flipping through some pictures she hadn't seen from a road trip we took together last fall. In the book I'm reading. In the U2 I was playing at work today. In a compliment from my boss.
I met Jesus in lots of little places today, and I'm grateful for the surprising sacred moments.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Saturday sighting
So just as a random, Monday morning story, I thought I’d mention something that I spotted on Saturday.
A group of us were walking along 17th Avenue (the infamous “Red Mile” in Calgary) to get some lunch, and a well-dressed guy in a suit, bigger sort of guy, with a shaved head walks by. Something seems funny, and we all clue in at once. This man, in a suit, walking along a major downtown street, has a very large, very alive snake wrapped around his neck. And he is acting as if it is perfectly normal to do your Saturday afternoon errands with a snake of this sort wrapped around your neck.
I admit that we were rather incredulous, and there was definitely some pointing and exclaiming, as we watched him walk further on, and waited for a light to change so we could cross the street. Somehow, snakes and things just don’t belong on the major downtown street, unless they’re dead and have been made into shoes or bags!
A group of us were walking along 17th Avenue (the infamous “Red Mile” in Calgary) to get some lunch, and a well-dressed guy in a suit, bigger sort of guy, with a shaved head walks by. Something seems funny, and we all clue in at once. This man, in a suit, walking along a major downtown street, has a very large, very alive snake wrapped around his neck. And he is acting as if it is perfectly normal to do your Saturday afternoon errands with a snake of this sort wrapped around your neck.
I admit that we were rather incredulous, and there was definitely some pointing and exclaiming, as we watched him walk further on, and waited for a light to change so we could cross the street. Somehow, snakes and things just don’t belong on the major downtown street, unless they’re dead and have been made into shoes or bags!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
In the tension
I am thinking a lot, lately, about living in the tension between two realities, about being willing to exist in that space, instead of fighting against it in both directions.
I went to the seminar yesterday, and quite enjoyed myself. There was one really awkward moment, as I was walking with the lady who was teaching it, and a bunch of others along a busy downtown street, to pick up some lunch. She asked which sponsoring church I was a part of. I flinched a little, inside. Then I answered very calmly that I wasn't part of any of them. I'd gone to one (and I named it for her to give her context) but I wasn't going there any more, and I said it was a bit of long story. That was it.
But here's why I started this entry by mentioning that I've been thinking about living in tension lately. That's kind of why I left the church in the first place. I was frustrated with the unwillingness, or inability of some people to live with some very clear tensions in the lives of a number of people I was involved in caring for, and in my own life. When it became clear that things weren't going to change for a while, I spent hours and hours in prayer and conversation with a wide variety of people, and left for new spaces with a great deal of peace and rest about the decision, but frustration over the unresolved tensions.
I do not like conflict. I like to solve things. I want to clear them up, and most of the time, I want it to go "my" way. I become very easily convinced of my own "rightness."
So as I was driving to the seminar yesterday, I was praying. (I pray out loud a lot as I drive, especially since I had the car accident in December. I probably look a little like the crazy people I would laugh at as teenagers, talking to themselves, alone in their cars at traffic lights, but I'm okay with that!) I was praying, talking to Jesus about how much I was dreading what I perceived as a situation likely to be very awkward, and I was getting a bit angry that I was finding myself in this situation, and as I was praying, I felt like God was reminding me that I had done everything possible from my end to create resolution in the relationships that were damaged when I left the church, and to speak the things He had laid on my heart. More than that though, I felt like he was asking me how I could expect those I was angry with to live in places of tension that they found hard, if I wasn't myself willing to live in the tension of my obedience to what I felt him speaking, and the resulting relational strains.
So, I sit here today, staring at my computer screen, with candles lit behind me, Jason Upton singing on my stereo, and I resolve again to be willing to live in the tension. To spend tomorrow's time of Lenten fasting seeking the patience necessary for that sort of living in tension. Not just this one relational tension, but the tension of knowing God is calling me out, but that he has also asked me to walk through a season of waiting. Of knowing that God has called me to youth ministry for a time, and knowing that my personality is not always suited to youth ministry. Of knowing that there will be relational tension from time to time as I seek to walk God's path for me. Of knowing that God's path for me is NOT his path for everyone.
The mystery of the kingdom - already and not yet.
I went to the seminar yesterday, and quite enjoyed myself. There was one really awkward moment, as I was walking with the lady who was teaching it, and a bunch of others along a busy downtown street, to pick up some lunch. She asked which sponsoring church I was a part of. I flinched a little, inside. Then I answered very calmly that I wasn't part of any of them. I'd gone to one (and I named it for her to give her context) but I wasn't going there any more, and I said it was a bit of long story. That was it.
But here's why I started this entry by mentioning that I've been thinking about living in tension lately. That's kind of why I left the church in the first place. I was frustrated with the unwillingness, or inability of some people to live with some very clear tensions in the lives of a number of people I was involved in caring for, and in my own life. When it became clear that things weren't going to change for a while, I spent hours and hours in prayer and conversation with a wide variety of people, and left for new spaces with a great deal of peace and rest about the decision, but frustration over the unresolved tensions.
I do not like conflict. I like to solve things. I want to clear them up, and most of the time, I want it to go "my" way. I become very easily convinced of my own "rightness."
So as I was driving to the seminar yesterday, I was praying. (I pray out loud a lot as I drive, especially since I had the car accident in December. I probably look a little like the crazy people I would laugh at as teenagers, talking to themselves, alone in their cars at traffic lights, but I'm okay with that!) I was praying, talking to Jesus about how much I was dreading what I perceived as a situation likely to be very awkward, and I was getting a bit angry that I was finding myself in this situation, and as I was praying, I felt like God was reminding me that I had done everything possible from my end to create resolution in the relationships that were damaged when I left the church, and to speak the things He had laid on my heart. More than that though, I felt like he was asking me how I could expect those I was angry with to live in places of tension that they found hard, if I wasn't myself willing to live in the tension of my obedience to what I felt him speaking, and the resulting relational strains.
So, I sit here today, staring at my computer screen, with candles lit behind me, Jason Upton singing on my stereo, and I resolve again to be willing to live in the tension. To spend tomorrow's time of Lenten fasting seeking the patience necessary for that sort of living in tension. Not just this one relational tension, but the tension of knowing God is calling me out, but that he has also asked me to walk through a season of waiting. Of knowing that God has called me to youth ministry for a time, and knowing that my personality is not always suited to youth ministry. Of knowing that there will be relational tension from time to time as I seek to walk God's path for me. Of knowing that God's path for me is NOT his path for everyone.
The mystery of the kingdom - already and not yet.
Friday, March 23, 2007
A Dilemma
I'm trying to decide if I'm going to attend a seminar of sorts tomorrow morning. It runs from 10-2, and the topic is journalling and creative writing. I attended a similar seminar by the woman instructing a number of years ago, and quite throughly enjoyed it. None of this is part of the dilemma.
The thing is, the event is partially being put on by the church I left. They're doing it in conjunction with a number of other groups in Calgary, but it's being held in their building, and a number of their leaders are heavily involved.
This always creates an awkward space for me. I feel like so much was unresolved in my decision to move on from that church, and yet, I still believe in the things they do, and I have tried (though unsucessfully in some cases) to maintain friendships with a number of people there. I ever worked a number of times to meet with leaders in order to resolve some of the unresolved things, but they chose never to respond, and I'm left unsure how to handle it. I have a whole lot harder time ignoring the relational rift when we're together than they do.
I usually try to find someone to go to these sorts of events with. I had planned to go with my best friend, but because of her work schedule, she can't drive me now, and will probably come late. When I go with someone else to these things, at least there's a bit of a buffer zone. It's a lot harder to go on my own. I'll probably still go, but uggh... in some ways I dread the relational tension I know I'll feel, and I wonder if this is really a good way to spend a Saturday?
The thing is, the event is partially being put on by the church I left. They're doing it in conjunction with a number of other groups in Calgary, but it's being held in their building, and a number of their leaders are heavily involved.
This always creates an awkward space for me. I feel like so much was unresolved in my decision to move on from that church, and yet, I still believe in the things they do, and I have tried (though unsucessfully in some cases) to maintain friendships with a number of people there. I ever worked a number of times to meet with leaders in order to resolve some of the unresolved things, but they chose never to respond, and I'm left unsure how to handle it. I have a whole lot harder time ignoring the relational rift when we're together than they do.
I usually try to find someone to go to these sorts of events with. I had planned to go with my best friend, but because of her work schedule, she can't drive me now, and will probably come late. When I go with someone else to these things, at least there's a bit of a buffer zone. It's a lot harder to go on my own. I'll probably still go, but uggh... in some ways I dread the relational tension I know I'll feel, and I wonder if this is really a good way to spend a Saturday?
Joy, work, and girly stuff
I was thinking (and writing) some more on the train on the way home from work yesterday about how beautiful it is to experience emotions.
Particularly, if you had told me in the midst of my years of depression that I could experience deep, unexplainable joy and peace in the middle of crazy circumstances I would never have believed you. But I’ve been experiencing it lately, at the oddest moments – this sense of rest in the knowledge of God’s overwhelming love, and it bubbles into a smile, and a sense of calm.
Work remains crazily busy, but I am, at just this moment at a standstill. I have dozens of things left to do to prepare for the conference next weekend, but can’t move on most of them until my boss finishes some things I need to have to move on to my next step.
And, I enjoyed the thoroughly girl pleasure of shopping for wedding dresses last night. Now, before you all have a heart attack and think that I’ve suddenly up and met a boy and decided to get married, let me just say that it was for a girl in my youth group. (She’s a bit older than the rest of the girls.) Her parents are missionaries in Thailand, and her fiancé is still finishing up school in Thailand, but she’s in Calgary, working, and quite alone, so it is my very great pleasure to help her with wedding plans, and particularly, in the absence of her mom and sister, to take her shopping for wedding dresses. So, we went to a dress shop, and she tried a couple on. We have plans to hit a few more stores after church on Sunday. After the dress shop, we headed for the local chapters, plopped ourselves down in the magazine aisle and looked at bridal magazines. Money is tight for her right now, so I treated her to a couple just for fun, because every girl deserves to have girly wedding magazines to flip through for ideas.
I mentioned to a friend earlier in the week that I was excited about shopping for a dress with this other friend, and the first friend thought I was being sarcastic. Apparently, since I’m not particularly interested in dropping everything in my life to find a guy and get married right this second, I’ve developed a reputation for not being into the really girly stuff like wedding plans. Hello! I’m still female, and I love to indulge my girly side once in a while. Plus, who better to help plan a wedding than someone who worked as a gift registry and wedding consultant for two years? So there!
And with that, I’m back to work, if my boss gets here soon, and finishes her stuff…
Particularly, if you had told me in the midst of my years of depression that I could experience deep, unexplainable joy and peace in the middle of crazy circumstances I would never have believed you. But I’ve been experiencing it lately, at the oddest moments – this sense of rest in the knowledge of God’s overwhelming love, and it bubbles into a smile, and a sense of calm.
Work remains crazily busy, but I am, at just this moment at a standstill. I have dozens of things left to do to prepare for the conference next weekend, but can’t move on most of them until my boss finishes some things I need to have to move on to my next step.
And, I enjoyed the thoroughly girl pleasure of shopping for wedding dresses last night. Now, before you all have a heart attack and think that I’ve suddenly up and met a boy and decided to get married, let me just say that it was for a girl in my youth group. (She’s a bit older than the rest of the girls.) Her parents are missionaries in Thailand, and her fiancé is still finishing up school in Thailand, but she’s in Calgary, working, and quite alone, so it is my very great pleasure to help her with wedding plans, and particularly, in the absence of her mom and sister, to take her shopping for wedding dresses. So, we went to a dress shop, and she tried a couple on. We have plans to hit a few more stores after church on Sunday. After the dress shop, we headed for the local chapters, plopped ourselves down in the magazine aisle and looked at bridal magazines. Money is tight for her right now, so I treated her to a couple just for fun, because every girl deserves to have girly wedding magazines to flip through for ideas.
I mentioned to a friend earlier in the week that I was excited about shopping for a dress with this other friend, and the first friend thought I was being sarcastic. Apparently, since I’m not particularly interested in dropping everything in my life to find a guy and get married right this second, I’ve developed a reputation for not being into the really girly stuff like wedding plans. Hello! I’m still female, and I love to indulge my girly side once in a while. Plus, who better to help plan a wedding than someone who worked as a gift registry and wedding consultant for two years? So there!
And with that, I’m back to work, if my boss gets here soon, and finishes her stuff…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
