Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 245

Today's Daily 5:

1. A morning where I didn't have to set an alarm
2. being able to choose to see God's hand in the midst of some unexpected harder news
3. a friend who cared enough to phone and let me process and cry
4. knowing there was someone I could call and ask to pray aloud for me before I went in to write my exam
5. having my first exam go relatively smoothly

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 244

Today's Daily 5:

1. a relatively peaceful morning
2. a smooth work shift - I opened and closed on my own
3. eating some of the fruit salad I made yesterday - so good, with green grapes, blueberries, strawberries, apple and nectarine
4. reading a brainless novel, an old one that I've always loved
5. another interesting evening of teaching on Islam
6. a blog comment from a friend that greatly encouraged me
7. a few different email dialogues with friends
8. hot crossed buns - I really do like that crazy little candied fruit that's in them
9. the sense of relief that comes from nearly having a decision made
10. the offer of free access to quite a number of book titles on a topic that I've been reading a lot about

Amidst it

It's been a long time since I've gone two days without posting anything other than the Daily 5 here.  A long time.

I've had a pretty crazy couple of weeks, juggling the new job, school, and personal and church commitments, and it's taken it's toll.  I'm feeling drained, and struggling, if I'm honest, to simply make it from day to day.

Those of you who have been reading here for years know that I have a love/hate relationship with dreaming.

For years, before being healed from depression, I struggled with incredibly intense nightmares.

In my head, healing meant that all dreams would go away, and I would sleep.

God had other plans.  In the nearly six years since that time, I've had a huge variety of dreams.  The kind that are clearly from God.  The kind that are an intense playing out and processing of the things going on under the surface in my life.  And I still have nightmares from time to time - dark, terrifiying, generally spiritual things.

I've gone through seasons of being at peace with the fact that dreams are a way I process, and a way that God speaks to me.  And I've gone through seasons of hating both of those realities.

For the last three weeks or so, as I've been so busy, my already more limited time for sleep has been filled with dreams.  Mostly the processing sort, a few nightmares.  For me, that means that I have woken, nearly every single morning, from a dream.  (The dreams I remember when I wake come almost without exception in the hours just before I rouse for the day, and I almost exclusively wake directly from them, into the space of needing to sort out the dream from reality.)

I'm exhausted.  There have been a lot of interesting realities in my life the last month.  The juggling of commitments.  The work of healing - that one word that is mine for this year. 

And some realities of the supernatural or spiritual world that I don't tend to talk about a lot here, because they don't tend to fit into the safe and normal and rational world.   Those realities have been intense lately, too.

And so, amidst all this, I'm struggling.  And staring at two weeks with final exams, and the continuation of other commitments.

I'm asking questions about coping methods, and watching as the ones that have worked well for me seem to be falling apart, at least temporarily, and searching for new ones.

And amidst this, this juggling it will quite possibly be quieter here.  There may only be the Daily 5.  It feels weird to say that the quiet is needed, and honestly, every time I give myself permission to be quiet, it was really the permission, the release of pressure that I needed, and there is suddenly a plethora of things to write about.  So, who knows?  But for now, I'm giving myself the permission to be quieter, and giving you who have so faithfully read here, an explanation of sorts for the potential that there may be quiet.

I'd appreciate your prayers as I make some decisions, seek counsel, and figure out ways to cope and be healthy.  I so appreciate all of the connections I've made through this space over the years - each of the unique friends that are a part of my life.  Thanks for reading, thanks for praying, thanks for sticking it out here through the quiet spaces as well as the ones full of words.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 243

It's been the kind of day where scraping together a list of 5 reasons to smile is more challenging.

Today's Daily 5:

1. making fresh fruit salad
2. hot crossed buns
3. curling up with magic bags on my feet and back
4. a hot bath
5. a bottle of fresh water.  water really is my favorite beverage, and some days I'm just grateful for a good bottle of water.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 242

Today's Daily 5:

1. A robin perched on the very top of a tree, singing to welcome the morning
2. unexpectedly having 20 minutes to chat with my chaplain friend when we ended up waiting for friends we were meeting in the same coffee shop.  totally a god thing since it let me have a conversation and do a little processing out loud that was very helpful for me
3. coffee with the friends I went to visit over reading break a few months back
4. a really good appointment
5. good food from a local restaurant, popcorn, and an evening spent watching the movie "Despicable Me" with my mom