Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 81

Today's Daily 5:

1. Waking up in time to catch the necessary bus, but not having to rush to do it
2. Skype with L in the UK
3. Apples and string cheese
4. a text message regarding chocolate that totally made me grin
5. another sunny day - not something to take for granted in Canada in November
6. finishing two different books today while reading on the bus
7. The perfect timing of the arrival of a kid's book (to be blogged about soon!) that a friend had insisted that I not only needed to read, I needed to own.  When it came today, it turned out to be perfect for the lesson I was in charge of leading at house church tonight!
8. Iced Passion Tea Lemonade from Starbucks
9. Having an option other than tuna casserole (which is what mom made) for dinner
10. gathering with loving friends at house church tonight

A Growing Confidence

I'm sitting on the bus writing this. For the fifth time in six days I hopped on a bus that takes about three hours to make a complete circuit, and spend time reading, thinking and praying. I'm grateful that I have the time and space in my life to do that right now.

My thoughts are quieter right now, and mostly not for public consumption. All the reading has been helpful.

I'm still living in limbo on so many fronts, but this week I am somehow managing to be more at peace with that. To live in that place and do more than simply exist.

I'm dreaming again - looking forward. Knowing in a way that somehow defies words that even if things don't work out as I hope and long and pray for them to, I'll be okay. More than okay, actually.

I'm being made new. Made whole. I'm walking out the journey of healing that I celebrated earlier this week, the journey that has spanned the last five years, in new ways. In ways that are deep and defy public explanation.

There is a deep and growing confidence within me that I am worthy, and that I am loved.

And that, I think, is a pretty special place to be living.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 80

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 80 days of making these lists
2. a long, hot shower
3. late night smiles
4. productivity
5. sunshine
6. green grapes
7. wearing a remembrance day poppy
8. eavesdropping on nursing students on the bus
9. taking time to read things I really enjoy
10. daydreaming about reading projects to come
11. feeling like there are things in life to enjoy and anticipate - that life is more than just something that beats me up day after day
12. needing sunglasses in November (even if I also needed to be wearing a jacket and down vest)
13. mini Kit Kat bar
14. catching sight of the mountains in the distance
15. "If you think about it, we'd all be millionaires if we, like, didn't have to pay any bills."
16. wearing a favorite colorful scarf
17. recognizing ways God was working when I least expected it
18. 10 minute yoga
19. perogies and farmer's sausage
20. encouraging emails at just the right moment
21. getting a ride home
22. sipping tea
23. sorting and planning
24. escapist television
25. melatonin that buys me some sleep most nights

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 79

Today's Daily 5:

1. really cute twin girls on the bus this morning, chorusing, "thank you bus driver" as they disembarked with their nanny
2. a relatively good sleep last night for the first time in a while
3. starting the morning slowly
4. toast with butter and jam
5. sunshine
6. getting a few quick errands done
7. reading on the bus again
8. finishing a book
9. my neck pillow
10. a mug of rooibos tea in my own room, in a new mug I bought specifically for that purpose
11. This quote from an old episode of Grey's Anatomy: "At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."
12. getting a bit of cleaning done
13. watching escapist television and laughing as I realized that the book I'd just finished reading was causing me to talk back to the television in a very snarky tone
14. candles lit around the room
15. making a plan for the day, and actually accomplishing the tasks I set for myself
16. talking politics as supper with mom and dad

Not About Me

A while ago a dear friend of me sent me a link to a post that Sarah Markley had written.  I loved the post, and immediately subscribed to Sarah's blog, and have been loving it ever since.

Late last week Sarah posted this post "It's SO not About Me".

And oh, boy, do I identify.

I work to hide it, and I rarely vocalize it, but I'm totally insecure.

If I haven't heard back from a friend about something, I do not immediately assume that they're busy or out of town.  My thoughts immediately go to, "I must have done something," or "they're avoiding me" or "I'm an obligation and they don't really want to spend time with me."

And then I talk myself down to "oh, they're really busy, or out of town or whatever."  Sort of successfully.

It's almost never totally successful until I actually hear from that person that they've been busy or away or whatever.

I liked Sarah's solution of offering grace.

Lately, the big lesson has been learning to offer that to myself. 

To have the security to believe that I am loved.  That my friends aren't friends with me because it's an obligation.  That I am surrounded by people who are loving on me, caring for me, and supporting me.

It's a lesson in grace - and a reminder "It's not about me."