Mental Clarity?

I read yesterday that your brain continues growing until you are 26 years old. I'm 26 years old.

When I read that, all I could think was, "oh dear, I've lost two years of brain growth to stress and illness." Because I can tell you with certainty that my memory and thought clarity have been degraded over these last two years of stressful moments.

These days I write everything down. If you need me to do something, and I don't put it in writing, it's quite possible it won't get done. If someone asks me to do something at work, and I'm not at my desk to write it down, I ask them to send me an email reminding me of whatever it is that they need done.

My memory issues came home in a truly amusing way this morning as I was getting ready for work. I found myself staring at my closet, thinking about the outfit that I'd like to wear that day, and realizing that though I thought I might have worn it quite once this week, I really had no idea. I had no idea what clothes I'd worn this week, except for the ones I'd worn yesterday. I ended up picking out a rarely worn outfit, because it was the only one where I could be absolutely certain that I hadn't worn it at all this week!

Here's hoping the mental clarity and memory can be restored as I continue to move towards a place of managing the stress and health issues with greater deftness, and bringing them under control or turning them over to Jesus.

Daily 5 - Day 77

Today's Daily 5:

1. Happy memories sorting through photos from my trip, and a heart revisiting some really special and joyful moments
2. Edo Japan takeout for lunch... was so tasty...
3. A very smooth (for me anyway) grocery shopping trip
4. A bit of time to read
5. clean drinking water - today I'm thankful for that.
   

Holiday Photos...

I spent the last weekend of my recent holiday with a very dear friend. The sort of friend that is really more heart family than anything else. For those few days, even amidst some challenging conversations, my heart was at rest, joyful, peaceful, and even playful. Not many people could bring that out in me, but she did.

I've made a slideshow of a few of my favorite images from that weekend. Twirling, playing, and just generally being together. Unfortunately I wasn't able to upload the higher quality images for the slideshow, so they're slightly blurry, but happy memories none the less. (And let me tell you, it's been nice to revisit those memories within my heart this week.)



If you want to see more photos from the trip, check out the following albums on facebook:

Fall in Ontario
Toronto Part 1
Toronto Part 2
Niagara Falls and Niagara on the Lake
The Last Weekend (This one has the less blurry versions of the slideshow images as well)

Oh, and leave me a comment or two if you click through to the photos. I love comments!

A few from Henri...

A few thoughts from Henri Nouwen on church and leadership, and wounding because of church. Rather challenging thoughts to me in the midst of this week.

Forgiving the Church

When we have been wounded by the Church, our temptation is to reject it. But when we reject the Church it becomes very hard for us to keep in touch with the living Christ. When we say, "I love Jesus, but I hate the Church," we end up losing not only the Church but Jesus too. The challenge is to forgive the Church. This challenge is especially great because the Church seldom asks us for forgiveness, at least not officially. But the Church as an often fallible human organization needs our forgiveness, while the Church as the living Christ among us continues to offer us forgiveness.

It is important to think about the Church not as "over there" but as a community of struggling, weak people of whom we are part and in whom we meet our Lord and Redeemer.

Our Spiritual Leaders

The Church as the body of Christ has many faces. The Church prays and worships. It speaks words of instruction and healing, cleanses us from our sins, invites us to the table of the Lord, binds us together in a covenant of love, sends us out to minister, anoints us when we are sick or dying, and accompanies us in our search for meaning and our daily need for support. All these faces might not come to us from those we look up to as our leaders. But when we live our lives with a simple trust that Jesus comes to us in our Church, we will see the Church's ministry in places and in faces where we least expect it.

If we truly love Jesus, Jesus will send us the people to give us what we most need. And they are our spiritual leaders.

Morning Again.

So, it's Wednesday. I'm over halfway through the work week since I'm only working a half day on Friday.

I'm still feeling like life is pretty tenuous and rough.

Our receptionist told me this morning that I looked peaceful and relaxed today. And then she knew enough to ask "Are you feeling that way?" The answer is no. But I'm glad I'm at least looking a little better.

Another coworker asked how I was doing. (She was one of the ones who asked a really basic question Monday morning that led to a teary meltdown, and has been checking in on me daily since then.) She wanted to know if I was better or worse. "About the same as yesterday," was my reply. And then we laughed, because, as I pointed out, yesterday was better than Monday. On Monday I was in tears three times before nine am.

This week, leading up to the anniversary I'm acknowledging (and maybe even celebrating) on Sunday, is traditionally hard. It's complicated this year by a number of other factors.

It also never helps that it is the week that leads up to Halloween. I am incredibly sensitive to the spiritual realm, and halloween is not a good thing for someone like that. On Saturday I'll likely be holed up at home, safely tucked away from all that activity.

It's morning again. I'm pondering thoughts surrounding freedom and surrender, and a parable Jesus told. I'm hoping to write some of those thoughts out later, but tonight seems already full with cooking and then the much "loved" trip to the soul-sucking mega store for our weekly grocery purchases.

I'm sipping tea, and wearing a scarf - both feeble attempts at prayer, but ones that I can manage today.

A dear friend succeeded in making me laugh last night when she told me something along the lines of, "You don't need a reason to celebrate. Celebrate every day. Jesus loves you, and he died for you. So snap out of it." (She said it with much love, and while we were chatting online and not with voices, I could "hear" the quirky tone in her voice, and couldn't help but chuckle. I let her know that I was pondering that, and that she'd made me laugh - no small feat at the moment!)

And with that, I need to focus on work for a bit.